He went down the bed, chortling. “Mila discovered it,” he said. “She has been comparing you with me. After all, I am a full thirty years older than you. I cannot do it twice anymore like I used to. Ah, when I was younger! Now, not even with vitamin E and KH3 and all that sort of thing—they aren’t much help.”
His words, every nuance, were mirror-clear. He was not telling me that he enjoyed watching, he was saying that he envied me, for his mistress was young and she must have desires he could no longer satisfy. We went down to the living room and he opened the refrigerator. It was stocked with food—enough to last a month, cheeses I had never seen, preserved meats, candies. He opened a bottle of San Miguel, but I never liked beer and told him so. He hastily opened a Coke, which I took, together with a cold leg of fried chicken. I was beginning to feel comfortable after my embarrassment when I had looked down the crack in the wall.
We went back to the door and its unchanging view of weeds and dilapidated houses. He asked me my name and when I told him, he said, “Pepe, do not po-po* me. Just call me kuya† if you can’t muster enough will to call me Nick.”
“All right, kuya.”
“But don’t ever tell my wife that I took you upstairs,” he nudged me with his elbow and I almost dropped the glass. A burst of laughter, then he was all seriousness again. “You must really go to La Salle. I think it is easier for you to be a salesman there. And it is much easier getting them to buy, too. You can start in the next semester.”
“What will I be selling?”
Another nudge and laughter. “You want to earn money, don’t you? There are easy ways of making it if you know the right people, like Kuya Nick.” He gave a flourish with his hand then thrust his chin toward the alley. The neighborhood kids were shouting at one another in their immemorial game of patintero and, beyond them, Lucy was coming but without her market basket.
He took my empty glass and closed the door, saying, “I will see you again.”
One of those faultless June afternoons coming to an end. It began to get dark. When Lucy saw me, she smiled wanly as if to say she was sorry. “Where have you been?” I asked hotly. “I have been waiting here for hours.”
She opened the door and we hurried in. There would be time before my aunt and uncle arrived and Lucy sensed the urgency, too. But the idea of being watched, now that I knew it, dampened my desire. Still, I wondered if I could perform knowing that someone was watching. I decided not to tell Lucy, but that I would try and put on a show that the mistress next door would not forget. Perhaps she might even end up wanting me and that would be something over Kuya Nick and his diamond ring, his manicured nails, and his Mercedes 250.
Lucy was explaining that she had gone to visit her sister—she did this once a week, no exact day—and she was sorry she had not told me.
I ignored her explanation as I put the latch on, then kissed her. Her mouth was wet and she kissed me with passion. Her arms around me were viselike and her hair smelled of sun and cigarette smoke. I wanted it right there, the door behind us, but she would not let me.
“No,” she said. “It is much too late. I have to cook. I have to cook—” She quickly disengaged herself, but I followed her to the kitchen, my hands eagerly all over her, my lips on her nape. She stood still and let me do what I wanted, but when I turned her around, she kept saying, “Pepe, there is no time. Tomorrow, please, we have all the time tomorrow …”
It really had to be on the morrow, for in another instant there was a rap on the door. I kissed her again then went to open it. It was Tio Bert, arriving a bit earlier than usual.
I bade him good evening and he seemed surprised to see me. He switched on the light in the living room. I did not ask why, but he seemed to think it necessary to explain—“I finished early today”—then he rushed upstairs. I tried to tell him that I had to wait at the door, for Lucy had gone to visit her sister, and perhaps it was time for me to have a key but he mumbled, “Tomorrow, tomorrow, we will talk about it.” But when he came down finally, shortly before my aunt arrived, and I repeated what I had said, he said perfunctorily that he would have the key made, but that I was not to mention to my aunt that Lucy had gone out and left the house. She would not understand, there would be another scolding, and it was so difficult to get a maid nowadays, they were all working in the factories for higher wages.
“So many robberies in Manila, Tio,” I said. “Your TV. If Lucy plans on visiting her sister, she can go when I am here so that there will always be someone in the house.”
He thought it was a good idea—yes, it should be that way—but he would give me a key nonetheless—it was so easy to have one duplicated, but again, conspiratorially whispering, “Don’t tell your tia Betty. It is so difficult to get a good maid.”
I could not sleep, thinking of Kuya Nick, his promise that I would earn enough to pay him back in a month. Selling what? I pressed my ear to the wooden wall to hear any sound of his mistress moving about, but there was none loud enough to penetrate the wall. I placed a chair beside the wall and stood on it; then, with the lights out, I peered into the crack, but all I could see was the ceiling. Sleep finally came to me after midnight; the last baggage train had thundered by, shaking the house like a matchbox. When I woke up, it was already light and Lucy was on my bed, kissing me, telling me we were alone again.
She pinched me saying I had been naughty and impatient; now we had all the time. The old cot creaked so we transferred to the floor. I had an urge to turn to the crack above, to wink at it, for with all the noise we were raising she must be watching and wondering, perhaps, how it would be if it was I, and not Kuya Nick and his vitamin E and KH3, paying homage to her this beautiful day.
Now, to my mind, I was really Toro. A vulgar sense of superiority, of prowess suffused me. My self-control amazed me with its perfection; I was Toro, unflappable; Toro the terrible, endowed with vaunted willpower. I decided to put on a good exhibition and Lucy was responsive—each wave I stirred lifted her, arched her, shook her. She moaned so loud I thought the whole neighborhood would hear. Then I scaled the crest and what a dizzying, electrifying varooming dive it was; I collapsed on her limp, quivering form, a euphoric peace enveloping me like a warm, silk cocoon.
We lay thus for some time—I didn’t know how long—and did not care. Outside children were playing, a vegetable vendor was shouting her wares—eggplants, string beans—and women were gossiping on their way to market. I tensed, hearing a sound in the other apartment. I could hear the hum of the air conditioner. We had been seen.
The greatest show on earth.
I was late for my first-period class, but it was one time I did not mind. Toto obviously did, for he rushed to me when I arrived; it was much too late to go to class so we went to the canteen and had Cokes.
He was stammering again. It was always like this when he was excited. “Pepe, listen, you should really be somebody in the Brotherhood. But first, here, in the university … you must be in the Student Council. That is the important thing. And to be in it you must be class president. You can do it. I can campaign for you and we can prepare posters—all that you will need.”
“Hoy, I am not a politician. I do not like politicians.”
“But you are popular, with boys and girls. Your name … it is easy to remember. And you have personality.”
“Your words are difficult to resist,” I said in high humor. “Flattery will get you somewhere.”
“I am serious, Pepe,” he said. “First we have to elect you class president—that will be next week—then you must run for the Student Council.”
“What will it get me?” I asked the old question.
It flustered him. “I don’t know, more popularity I think. But that is not the reason. I am thinking of the Brotherhood. If we can have a member of the Brotherhood in a high position, in all the high positions … can you not see what this means? It is so damn basic.” He was exasperated. “All right, you will be invited to many parties. Meet many girls, the prettiest in school. You will e
ven get a scholarship, I think, if you become president of the council. And you will not spend everything for your tuition.”
“Those are things I like to hear,” I said eagerly.
“Damn you!” he cried, the strongest expression I ever heard from him. Then he was contrite. “I wish you were not so demanding, Pepe. But I am beginning to understand. You are very … very pragmatic.”
“Practical!”
I put my arm around his shoulder. “Toto, if it will make you happy, I will be a candidate.” He did not speak, but I knew he was very pleased.
Looking back, I am surprised at the slow change that had come over me, my interest in school, my running for election, for I was not doing these for myself but for Mother and Tia Bettina. My class was crowded—sixty of us—and I could not ask questions as much as I wanted, and yet I had begun to find the atmosphere to my liking. Some of the teachers were quite repulsive; after all, most of them were there just for a living. If they were any brighter they would be at the elite colleges where the pay was better and the workload lighter.
There was, however, one exception, and that was Professor Hortenso. He had a very good reputation among the teachers, the only Ph.D. from England who was in Recto by choice. It seemed at first as if this permanent smile was plastered on his face. I saw him quite often in the corridors, for he had a full load, which meant teaching classes four hours a day.
My classmates lived in the districts—Sampaloc, Santa Cruz, Tondo—in cramped apartments, and I suspect some of the girls worked in bars and restaurants, particularly those who seemed aloof and well-dressed. The classes at night were packed with students who worked during the day. At nine, when the last classes were over, the human flood gushed out of the dimly lighted halls into the boisterous arteries of the University Belt, racing after buses and jeepneys already bursting with people. By eleven, Recto, Morayta, and Legarda were empty and silent but for the small cafes and restaurants such as those we frequented.
In the end I was left to fend for myself and hammer out my own education. I could fail, of course, for the teachers were not all that lenient, but as long as I read, attended class, and did not get my report card marked for absences, the likelihood of my failing was remote.
The election for class president came within two months of our enrollment, and after that, the election of the University Council. Our class election was no problem. When the call for nominations came, Toto was the first to raise his hand. There were three other candidates and we were allowed five minutes each to speak. I wanted to be last. The first three went beyond their limit, and they perorated on duty, freedom, all the usual stuff about the responsibility of youth and the future of the nation.
I never had stage fright, for as Toto had said, I was so outgoing and extroverted I could manage any crowd.
“I want you to know,” I said, “that I have many honors to my name. In high school, for instance, I was the Ping-Pong champion. [Laughter.] But I do not expect to win this particular election, for I almost failed to make it to this university. Physical education and recess have always been my favorite subjects. [Laughter.] Many politicians, I need not tell you, are dishonest. And because I am now a politician, I should not claim exception. [Laughter.] So I am telling the truth.
“You will want to know what I can do for you. I have no money, but I have a big mouth. [There was now laughter after every sentence.] But you can do something for me. You can elect me. Then, because I have no money, I can, as my good friend here said, attend more parties, get to know more of the girls, and if forced to study, I may even end up with a scholarship.
“You are laughing. But if I lose, it will not be a laughing matter anymore. Since I am supposed to make a promise, I will make one. It will be very difficult for me to do it, but I will try to be honest. If there are funds to be collected, I promise not to spend them alone. I will spend them with the treasurer.
“But I would rather be president. Even if I have to be honest to be it.”
As Toto said, I would easily make it. It was, in his words, lutong macao.‡ Fifty votes out of sixty.
Next was the Student Council, not the presidency—that was almost always reserved for the seniors who had been in the university longer, had more of a following—just membership, or the secretaryship at the most.
I still did not have money, and I wondered when Kuya Nick would really give me a job, even if only for afternoons. Perhaps I should see him next time his Mercedes was there. Thus, it was Toto again who treated me to siopao and Coke at our cafe in Recto. It was not yet noon, and the place was quite empty, so we had a corner to ourselves.
For all the warmth that I felt for him, I did not deserve his kindness; I had briefly suspected that he was gay, but he made no advances and we even talked of some of the students who were gay, those in the dramatics guild, how some of the more handsome ones made a living being call boys for them. It was just that Toto was raised differently—an orphan. Now, as I ate his siopao, I thanked him for being good to me, then sprang the question: “What have I done for you, Toto?”
“Luck, Pepe,” he said. “You were the first person I met on the first day of school. That is all. I would have developed the friendship of others, but, well, they all seemed plastic. You are a real person.”
“Shit,” I said.
He shook his head and smiled patronizingly. “If you had grown up in an orphanage, you would look at people differently, too. You would understand what I am saying. It is so difficult to explain to someone who has parents, relatives. I never had these—friends in the orphanage, yes, but they all left and we never saw each other again. Sometimes I go there with Father Jess to see the nuns—they are old now, the ones who took care of me. I love them but they belong to another world.”
I had always been myself. Now here was one who needed a brother. “How was it inside? How does one get in?”
He bit into his siopao. “I should take you there sometime. On a Sunday when the kids are taken out for a breath of fresh air. A baby gets in this way: A revolving basket is at the door. The baby is placed there together with anything the mother wants to leave, maybe some clothes. She rings the bell, turns the basket around so that it faces the inside of the orphanage. Then she leaves. The bell would bring the sisters out.”
“What was it like when you were small?”
“It was not a harsh life,” Toto said softly, “if that is what you want to know. Children have little knowledge of what is difficult as long as their bellies are not empty. I did not mind the secondhand clothes. And I had many playmates! But from the very start I knew I was an orphan.”
His eyes were misting, and I told him not to continue if the telling was too painful. “No,” he said, attempting a smile. “It is just that it is a very difficult feeling, to know that you have been cast aside, that no one wanted you, not even your mother.”
I wanted then to tell him that my father did not want me, either, that the world is not cruel, but both of us knew the knavery, the wretchedness around us.
“It does not matter much after you get to accept it,” he said. “Besides, there were the sisters and the maids. They were mothers to us. Then there were the visits of prospective parents—couples who came to look for kids to adopt. Usually they took the very small ones, the babies. But there was always a chance that the bigger ones would be considered. And as we grew older, we knew the importance of these visits and we tried to look our best and act our best, wondering if we would be taken. But the years went on. I grew up and no one took me. The girls were taught skills and some were even chosen as brides. But boys can stay there only till a certain age, after that they must leave. They are too much of a problem, I suppose. That was when Father Jess came—good luck, I should say, for he is a very fine man. Without him, I would not be going to school; I would not be earning a little money so that I can feed you like this.”
“Thank you,” I repeated. I was finished with my siopao.
“Pepe,” he said, “you are honest, ev
en if you joke about it.”
“Shit.”
“You appeal to most. And you are sincere. It shows on your face when you are angry.”
“Then I’ll make a lousy politician.”
“The old kind,” he said, emphatically. “We really need good people, particularly in the Brotherhood. You have no pretensions.”
“Shit.”
“Yes, yes,” he said. “I know psychology. With my background. And in church, I meet many people—phonies telling us problems that are not true. I can read you.”
“Shit again,” I said.
“But most important, Pepe, you are bright. Brighter than I. Though perhaps you don’t know it.”
“I should be feeding you,” I said.
Leaving him, I felt this wonderful warmth suffuse me, satisfied not with the pork siopao but with the friendship. Toto did not want anything from me and I wasn’t going to be of any help to him. He stuttered, he looked lost, he was deeply religious but was an activist. He had nobody but a priest named Father Jess and a professor, both of whom he held in awe. There was also an old woman who cooked for him named Tia Nena. Now he had a brother as well.
When I got home I was surprised to find Lucy furious at me for not having arrived earlier. Toto’s siopao had filled me and I had not realized it was past one. “Now,” she said petulantly, “I cannot go and visit my sister.”
“Shit,” I told her. “Why did you not tell me this morning? You can go now and not blame me. After all, there is the whole afternoon if you wish.”
“But you don’t understand,” she said. “She was waiting for me in Quiapo at lunchtime. And I did not go.”
“I thought you visited her at her home,” I said. “How did you know she was going to wait for you in Quiapo?”
“That is what we agreed on.”
“You should have told me,” I said wearily, all desire for her having ebbed.
“I forgot.” She said it lamely.
I suddenly felt uneasy; intuition told me it was not her sister she was going to see.
The Samsons: Two Novels; (Modern Library) Page 33
