by Nikki Wild
I drop my gaze to my palette.
“Got any ideas?” he probes while wiping his hand on an old rag. “I wanna see if I can get out of here tonight.”
“Um…Um…Yeah, sure. I—I’ll see what I can do.”
“You’re amazing. Thank you.”
Truth be told, I knew exactly who to call. Todd would be happy to help Landon get out of town… And the thought of it made me sick inside.
I was in no hurry.
I wanted to draw it out: Go do my six hour shift, come back home to Landon, pretend we’re still together… Let him hold me… Make him remember…
And if he doesn’t remember, he leaves me.
And then I’m alone.
And then I’m sad.
I don’t wanna imagine any further than that because all that comes to mind are those stones slipping off the side of that cliff and the splash no one would hear.
“I’m only going to be a few hours away, Lucy. What happened last night… It doesn’t have to be a one time thing.”
“I’ll think about it,” I reply, as if I hadn’t spent the whole day thinking about it already…
I give him a tight-lipped smile as he returns to more work on his bike. Once he’s breached the door, I toss my paintbrush hard against the wall to my right with a clack. The girl’s shiny eyes I’d just given her — they taunt me. Suddenly, I’ve given her this glowing, hopeful air. She’s a relic of a future and feeling I’m not allowed to have.
14
I go to work at ten o’clock. The busy lunch shift allows me a good distraction from my thoughts, at least.
“So?” says Billie. We haven’t talked much since our fight and she hasn’t been coming over to mine anymore to collect me for my shifts.
“I’m getting him a ride for tonight.”
“How?”
“I’m going to ask Todd to give him a lift… I’m sure he’d be happy to help send Landon down the road…”
“I certainly hope so. This has been a very weird time for you, Lucy. Don’t just think I’m gonna go quiet about this when he’s gone. I need to talk to you about this week and what the fuck you were thinking.”
Her firm tone makes me nervous even though I know I’ve done nothing wrong. I’m an adult. Plus what else more can I say to her? For me to move on, I have to keep up this charade of Lucy Rivers. And Lucy Rivers has never had a boyfriend called Landon come back from the dead.
“I have to take this order out,” I say to her.
She puts her hands on her hips and throws me a look of fury.
“Afternoon.” Todd appears behind me. I swallow nervously, having not spoken much since our awkward run in at his house. His body language isn’t giving too much away.
“H—Hey.” We give each other a quick hug and I back away, fully cowering in the awkwardness of the situation.
“Lucy, I want to apologize for the other day.”
“For what?”
“I was out of line. I shouldn’t’ve snapped at you like that. I know you get nervous and I should’ve been better to you about it.”
“No, I’m the one who’s sorry. Really. I was a bitch. I just…We were on different pages…”
“I’m patient, Lucy. I know you can get a little crazy sometimes.” Todd rests a hand to my shoulder.
“Why do you like me?”
“I ask myself the same thing.” He gives a toothy grin and pushes some hair behind my ear. I release it back when he turns away.
Through the rush of dinner customers, a welcomed face appears at the bar. Landon beams at me, smiling with his eyes. He’s dressed in his leather jacket and jeans— He’s ready to leave. I feel this urgency, this panic wash over me and suddenly I’m coming up with more plans on how to keep him here.
“Did you sort that ride out?” he shouts over the hum of the room while I’m busy pouring out pints of beer.
“Um… Yeah. I’m going to ask Todd to help you out as soon as his shift is over.”
“Oh,” he shouts again. He’s crestfallen. “You’re not coming along to say goodbye?”
“I have work to do here in the morning…” I reply, the lie burning my tongue. Landon seems to pick up on it, and his whole demeanor changes.
“Luce, look…I have to get out of here tonight whatever way I can. When does Todd get off? I can’t keep delaying this.”
“Here you go, Sir,” I tell another customer.
“Luce?!”
“Yeah?! Um…I’m sorry! Just… Let him finish his shift… He’s off at two in the morning.”
“And what if he isn’t up for giving me a ride?”
“Then we’ll figure something out in the morning,” I reply, secretly hoping he’s right.
I don’t give him a chance to respond, turning away and pulling out a bottle of wine to give to Billie.
“Young man, if you’re too blind to notice, Lucy is a little too busy for your shenanigans right now.” My stomach creases.
“Gimme a few minutes. I’m only looking for a quick ride outta here.”
“That so?” she says sharply. “Well then, there’s always the option of leaving in a cop car if you wish. Free-of-charge.”
“Billie, quit it.” My cheeks turn hot.
“Son, where y’headed?” says an elderly man, a little rough round the edges with white, shoulder-length hair and a long beard.
“Jethrow.”
“That up north?”
“I’m not sure on that one, Sir,” Landon says.
“It is,” I add. “About three hours drive.”
“You been there, Lucy?” Landon says with an air of surprise.
“I looked it up on a map,” I lie, “to see how far it is.”
Landon holds a weary look on his face as the older man keeps talking. “When you leavin’?”
“As soon as possible. I might have outstayed my welcome here…” he says, his eyes falling hard on me.
“Welp, son, that truck out there is mine if you don’t mind a slow trip through the hills. I’m headed all the ways up so it ain’t no trouble.”
“I’ve got a hog in about three pieces. If you can fit the both of us, I’d appreciate it… I’ll try to find a way to pay you back once we hit Jethrow.”
“Hell, my miles are on the company and I got plenty o’ room in back. Be good to have some company.”
Landon tosses his hair as he considers it.
I can’t hide my sad eyes glistening at him through the amber-lit bar.
“Fuck.” We let our gazes drop from each other. “If you’re offering then I will take you up on it.”
“Right then. I’ll be leaving after a little feed. I know it’s late…or early dependin’ how you look at it but if you don’t mind a red-eye run we can get you up there before the sun’s up.”
Landon looks back at me. I’m silently plotting to slash the trucker’s tires or call the company he works for to claim he’s a hazardous driver. I bite my lip and wring a towel between my fingers.
“Luce?” he asks. “Are you going to talk to me?”
“I’m busy.”
“Whenever you have a break.”
Billie begrudgingly gestures her head that it’s alright. I take off my apron and wave Landon toward the back door.
15
It’s cold tonight. I don’t want this to be the place I say goodbye, in the darkness of a parking lot. But what I’m coming to accept here is that there’s no version of my life with Lucy in it.
I only have one little trick left up my sleeve.
“I want you to come with me,” I tell her as soon as we’re outside. “I need you to come with me.”
She stops herself from saying something. Her head shakes side to side. She’s wearing me down with her mixed signals and secrets.
“Lucy, what is so hard for you about leaving this place?”
“Agoraphobia, of sorts.”
“Agoraphobia?”
“Yeah, meaning I can’t leave. I’m… Scared.”
�
�Scared? That why you take those pills?”
“Look, Baddock is more like a security measure for me. Nothing bad has happened to me since I moved here. I can’t say the same for…other places.”
I’m wrapped around her finger. I’m hanging on every word she says, just waiting for her to finally give in to my request or let me in, let me into who she really is. There has to be a way to persuade her to join me. After the most passionate sex one can experience, I don’t know how the fuck I’m supposed to leave her here alone. How can I not pursue something with her, follow this connection we share? I don’t want to let her go yet. She lightens up when she sees me. I can’t place why… And she makes me feel the same. I have feelings for this girl.
I can’t lose her.
“I can keep you safe from that bad stuff,” I tell her. She sighs a cloud of her breath into the night and seems to almost laugh off what I say. “All I’m asking is this weekend, for your help to figure shit out at least until I have a better handle on who the fuck I am.”
She picks some leaves off a bush beside her while she thinks.
“Lucy, c’mon. I’m fuckin’ begging you here. A weekend with you so I have a little more time. Then you can head right back here, back to your simple life. You trust me right?”
She lifts her doe-eyed gaze to me gives me a single nod.
“Then come with me. That trucker in there, I know he’s got room for both of us.”
“But…My job.”
“We both know you’re not working tomorrow. Billie will understand.”
Quietly, she answers me. She’s considering it. “Will you go to the hospital?”
“You’ll come?” I say with more pep in my voice.
“Will you go to the hospital?”
I don’t let myself get too excited yet, not until I hear her say it. For now, I have to agree with her. “You got it. As soon as I sort out what’s going on, I’ll go to the hospital.” I extend my hand for her to shake and she takes it. “You’re coming?”
“Lucy!” comes a male voice from the doorway.
“Oh, Todd. I’m…”
I scowl. Of course Todd would interrupt the one conversation I’m being vulnerable.
“Who’s this?” The dude is like a walking Abercrombie ad. Nothing like me. I take a step toward him and offer my hand.
“Landon.”
He dismisses my offered palm and throws Lucy a glare so powerful, I’m half-tempted to kick his ass for looking at her like that.
“Thought he was leaving.”
“W—He… He is.”
“Why don’t you just say goodbye and come back inside then?” Todd says, his temper flaring which I desperately don’t want it to do. We don’t need to make this messier than it is.
“Are you drunk right now?”
“Drunk? Pfft. I had a few shots. Some girls bought a round for me. Just providing my excellent customer service.”
Lucy shakes her head and looks at me for comfort. “Todd. Please keep calm right now.”
“Ugh, shut up and come inside.”
“I think maybe you should back off the lady,” I reply, stepping between them.
“Dude, I’m her fucking boyfriend. Go fuck yourself,” Todd says. I flare my nostrils and flex an inch taller, now standing toe-to-toe with the prick.
“She told me she doesn’t have a boyfriend.” I shouldn’t’ve said it. There’s no need to stir this shit-pot but I had to say something to bring this asshole down a few pegs.
“Stop it, both of you. Todd, stop it. we’re not together. I…Just…I’m fucking confused, okay? I need you to back off from me a little bit. Go back inside. I’ll be two more minutes.”
“No, you won’t,” Todd replies dismissively. He’s watching me with eyes full of fury, barely paying attention to the woman he’s disrespecting. “Get the fuck inside. Men are talking.”
My leather jacket creeks as I fold my arms but decide to stay quiet. I don’t need more trouble.
“See, thing is Todd, you talk to me like this every time you get angry,” she says, fearlessly, "and you wonder why I’m not with you.”
“You push me to this, Lucy. Every damn time.”
“Man the fuck up. You’re the one that’s got your panties in a bunch,” I say, drawing his attention off Lucy. I can’t take the way he’s talking to her but I decide not to fight her battles.
“Fuck you, bro,” he jaunts.
“I’m not your bro, bro.”
After some silent steps toward each other, our noses are almost touching. I swear there’s almost smoke blowing from my nose. Lucy tugs at Todd’s arm to put some space between us. He shakes her off then turns his attention back to me.
I stand up taller.
“You wanna go?” Todd says.
“Please. This is so stupid. Calm down and I’ll explain everything soon.”
“Get out of our town.”
“Oh, trust me. I am.”
“Todd, get inside. We don’t need trouble.”
“Don’t tell me what to do, bitch!” Todd snaps. “Why the fuck are you standing up for this piece o’ shit?” His fist hits a wooden pole beside us and he paces around a bit, raging and shaking his hand out from the pain.
“You’re a piece o’ shit,” I murmur.
“Yeah, I’m the piece o’ shit? I am? Fucking white trash over here,” Todd says. “What the fuck are you doing, Lucy?”
“I’m saying goodbye,” I say. He doesn’t hear her, instead he lunges at her, his hand seemingly ready to take her throat. I step between him and Lucy pulls me away.
“He’s a fucking criminal! A complete goddamn stranger! Don’t you have a brain in there?”
“You don’t know him,” she says. He was gonna hurt her just now. That mother fucker was going to put his hands on her.
“I know him just fucking fine. A patched MC member? I know your kind. You’re not welcome in this town.”
I wanna kick this fucker’s ass, show him he ain’t the big man he thinks he is, but I hold myself back. Fighting this asshole isn’t going to help me get home, and the last thing I want to do is get Lucy or myself into anymore trouble.
But then he paces towards me. I shove him hard so he stumbles backward. He grabs for me but I’m able to take his arm and twist it up behind his back. I’m not in the mood for this bullshit. Todd flays a bit until his knee hits my balls. I cry out.
“Yeah, who’s the piece o’ shit now, huh?” he says.
A left hook meets my ear. Actually, maybe I can find it in me to kick his ass. I feel some blood trickle out, tickling down my neck. I shift and tackle this pussy ass bitch to the floor, pummeling a hard punch across his cheek. Kid can’t be too experienced in hand-to-hand combat. He’ll give up soon.
“Stop it! Landon!” Lucy’s arm tugging me backward pulls me too. The fuck am I doing? I step backward as Todd shimmies back in the dirt, holding a hand to his face.
“She doesn’t deserve this shit from you and in no alternate Universe do you deserve her,” I spit.
“Stop it! Stop it!”
“You’re damn lucky she’s here to protect your ass,” I continue.
“Get the fuck out of here before the police arrive.”
“Who called the police?!” Lucy booms.
“Who the hell do you think called them?” Todd replies, grinning toothily from the ground.
I can’t hear any sirens in the distance, but something inside me makes it fucking clear I can’t be around if the cops show up…
“Landon…Just…Go.”
I turn to look at her, but she can’t meet my eyes.
“Really?” I say.
She shakes her head some more.
“Fine. See you in another life, sweetheart…” I say, stepping past them both.
“Don’t you dare go after him,” Todd’s voice echoes from behind me.
I’m pleading, begging that she will. She has to. This can’t be where this ends.
16
I consider fo
llowing Landon, I really do. This situation is out of control and my mind can’t figure it out. This whole scenario is worse than I’d ever imagined it would be— Landon’s leaving. Landon’s leaving now…And he doesn’t remember me.
Todd sees my tears and pulls me in for a controlling hug.
“Why are you doing this?” he says into my hair. “You’re so silly sometimes.” I stare past him toward the far end of the gravel car park to the eighteen-wheeler on the far side. There’s shadows walking up to it. Is that them? It can’t be. He can’t be leaving now…
“You were gonna hurt me,” I say quietly into Todd’s chest.
“Pfft, I…wasn’t, sweetie.” He laughs it off. “I wasn’t.”
I lift my head back. He forces a laugh, this time. “Don’t shrug that one off. You lunged towards me. If Landon wasn’t there, you would’ve laid your hands on me.”
He keeps trying to laugh to ease the tension. “You say you know how I get and you push me there, right to my limit.”
“You’re really blaming me right now?”
“Christ! Listen to yourself. You are certified crazy.”
“You’ve almost done it before. Forgive me for having a guard up.”
“Well, sometimes you almost deserve it. And I’m sorry about that…that time. I was too drunk.” His jaw clenches and his fist slams atop the outdoor table as he tries to calm his aggression.
I fight the tears and back away from him.
Me and Todd fight. We always fight but he’s being vicious this time; Hitting me where it hurts— A place in my mind where I deserve to be punished. I’m drawn to the conflict. I’m obliged to stay and bear it because this is the way I think I need to be treated because, in my mind, it somehow makes up for what we did to Daryl.
“Oh, the silent treatment, huh? Fuck you, bitch.” Todd goes back inside behind the taps to return to serving customers. Billie catches my eye through the window with a look of concern but doesn’t approach me.
Outside, everything falls quiet. All I hear is my breath. All I see is the billow of it. My mind is awash with what-if’s and should-I’s.
I look to the truck, to Landon and the man hauling pieces of his bike into the back.
