‘Anna, that’s not what it is.’
‘What is it, then?’
He sighed and ran his hands through his hair. ‘I’ll talk to you tonight. I’ll come home as soon as I can, OK?’
She nodded, sniffed and turned away. ‘Fine.’
He went out, and the swing door swooshed shut behind him, leaving her feeling more alone than she’d ever felt in her life.
Adam felt sick. He was torn, so torn. His children needed stability. They needed something to rely on. He couldn’t let them get attached to every woman he had an affair with, and he would have to be blind not to see how attached they were to Anna.
Not that having affairs was something he did often. She was the first woman since Lyn, and the thought of touching any other woman after Anna was too painful to consider…
He pushed the thought aside and got out of the car, locking it and walking up the path with dread in his heart. He needed her, and yet he didn’t see how he could juggle things so he was living two lives and doing either of them justice. He had to get her out of the house, but could they go back to how they were before? Would it be enough?
God knows. Sometimes he felt he needed her more than he needed air, or water, or sleep…
He went in and found Anna in the kitchen, sitting at the table with a cup of tea. She looked awful. She’d been crying, and her eyes were red-rimmed and swollen.
Adam felt like the worst bastard in the world, but he had no choice. He had to protect his children.
He sat down opposite her. ‘Anna, I’m sorry,’ he said quietly, his voice rough with emotion.
She met his eyes. ‘I thought you said you loved me?’ she said in a voice overflowing with tears. ‘I thought you cared?’
‘I do care.’ He sighed heavily. ‘I do love you.’
‘Then what’s this all about, Adam? I’m not trying to steal your kids’ affection, or come between you, or anything like that.’
‘I know. I just can’t let them get too close to you, Anna.’
‘Why not? They get close to the au pairs, and they leave, and they get close to teachers at school, and go on to the next class, and they make friends and then move, and have to learn to deal with it. Why am I any different? What makes me so special that I’m not allowed near them? Am I an undesirable influence or something?’
‘Of course you’re not,’ he protested helplessly. ‘Don’t be silly.’
‘So why? Why, Adam? I love you. You love me. How can that be wrong?’
He closed his ears to her persuasion. He couldn’t let her talk him round. It was too important.
‘It’s not wrong,’ he told her quietly. ‘I just have to keep my priorities right, and that’s going to hurt us both—I know that.’ He swallowed hard, trying hard to shift the lump in his throat. ‘You have to leave here. I can’t go on like this, wanting you, loving you, knowing it’s going to end.’
‘So are we going back to the way we were? With you coming round whenever you can spare a minute from your hectic schedule to fit in a bit of sexual recreation?’
‘That’s not how it is.’
‘Isn’t it? Sometimes it feels like it. But I’ve got no choice. You know that. I can’t turn you away. You need me, and I need you. I don’t agree with you, but they aren’t my children, so I’ll respect your feelings even though I don’t think you’re right.
‘Just do me one small favour,’ Anna went on in a voice filled with pain. ‘Don’t pretend that what’s between us is less than it is. Don’t turn our love into a secretive, hole-in-the-corner affair. Keep it separate from your life with the children, by all means, but don’t pretend I don’t exist. I won’t be treated like something you’re ashamed of.’
‘I’m not ashamed of you, or what we have between us,’ he told her honestly. ‘Do you want to know the truth? I wish I’d never met you. I was happy before, and now I want things I can’t have, and I’m ruining your life. I can’t give you children, or happy ever after, and you deserve all that and more. I can’t give it to you, and I can’t keep you hanging on in limbo—we can’t go back to how we were.’
She stared at him in silence for a while, then sighed unevenly. ‘So that’s it, is it? It’s all over? Can you just tell me why, Adam? That’s all I want. I just want to know why.’
He chased a crumb around on the tabletop. ‘You don’t know what it was like with Lyn,’ he said quietly. ‘Every time she had a period, my life was hell. She cried, she ranted, she accused me of cheating her. We tried everything. Nothing worked. Then she seemed to come to terms with it. She told me she was happy to adopt, but all the time it was festering inside her, destroying her.’
He looked up into Anna’s wounded eyes. ‘It would destroy you, too. Maybe not at first, but eventually. The need to have a child would tear you apart—’
‘No.’
‘Yes. Trust me, I know. Every time I look at you I hurt because I can’t give you a child. It’s basic biology, Anna. Survival of the species. Continuation of the human race. It’s fundamental and powerful, and unbelievably destructive—and it’ll destroy you as surely as it destroyed Lyn.’
‘No,’ she said firmly. ‘It won’t, because I’m not like Lyn. I don’t want to have just any child. I want to have your child. I want to conceive it, and carry it, and give birth to it, and raise it. And I can’t. I know that. It hurts, God, yes, it hurts, but it’s nothing compared to the thought of losing you.’
Adam’s heart contracted at the pain in her carefully controlled voice. He wanted to stop her, to tell her it was all right—but it wasn’t.
‘Anyway,’ she went on, quietly reasoning with him, ‘you can give me a child. You can give me three—three beautiful children who I love more than I can say. And they love me, Adam, and they need me.’
‘They’ll get over you.’
‘No. No, they won’t. They need me. Skye, especially, needs me. She needs a mother, Adam, and I want to be that mother. She’s so scared to love, so afraid it’ll be taken away from her again. You can’t take me away from her, Adam, I won’t let you. She won’t survive it.’
‘I have to,’ he said rawly. ‘I can’t trust anyone but myself, Anna. I know how I feel.’
‘And do you know how they feel?’ she interrupted. ‘Do you know how sad and confused they’ve been this week while you’ve been out at the hospital, burying yourself in unnecessary work? They think you’re angry with them, Adam.’
Guilt hit him like a sledgehammer. All week he’d been avoiding Anna, trying to distance himself from her so that the break would be less painful, and all he’d done had been to drive the children into her arms—exactly what he’d been striving to avoid.
‘I’ll talk to them,’ he said. ‘Explain.’ Though God knows how I’ll explain, he thought numbly.
His bleeper squawked, and he sighed raggedly and stood up, reaching for the phone. He spoke to the hospital, then hung up.
‘I’m needed in A and E—multiple trauma, child of ten. I’ll be back when I can.’
He headed down the hall, grabbing his coat off the end of the banisters. Anna was behind him.
‘I’ll wait up,’ she said. ‘We need to finish this conversation.’
‘It’s finished,’ he told her firmly. ‘I’m sorry, Anna—more sorry than I can say, but I can’t let it go on. I know you believe what you’re saying, but I’ve heard it all before. It won’t work. I want you out of our lives, no matter how painful it will be at first.’
‘Well, I’ll let you tell the children,’ she said, her voice clogged with tears again, ‘because I can’t.’
‘I’ll tell them,’ he said heavily. ‘I’ll tell them tomorrow.’
‘No. Tomorrow I promised Jasper we’d do something. I can’t break my promise.’
‘I’m afraid you’ll have to. I’m sorry. I have to go.’
He went out, closing the door softly behind him. As he got into the car, he could see Anna still standing in the hall, motionless. I’m sorry, my darling, he said sile
ntly. I’m sorry…
Anna stood there for a long time, unable to move, unable to breathe. She heard Adam’s car start, then the lights swept across the front of the house as he turned and drove away.
She heard a creak on the stairs behind her and turned, her eyes dimly taking in a little figure standing halfway up, near the banister Adam hadn’t yet got round to mending.
‘Are you going?’ Skye asked in a terrified whisper. She nodded, swallowing hard. ‘Yes. Not now, but tomorrow. I’m sorry. He’s going to get another nanny for you—’
‘But I want you. I love you.’
‘Oh, Skye.’
The tears wouldn’t be held in check, and she ran to catch the little girl as she flew down the stairs into her arms. ‘Darling, I’m sorry. It’s just—’
What? What was it? Nothing just. Unjust, perhaps. How could she explain a father’s complex motivation to his tiny, terrified child? ‘Skye, I love you, too, my darling, but sometimes things don’t work out the way we want them to. But we’ll still be together sometimes, I promise. You can still see me.’
‘How?’ Skye asked in a choked little voice.
‘You can come and visit me, if your father will let you, and you can phone me and write to me, and I’ll write to you, all of you, and I—I only live round the corner, Skye. When you’re older you can cycle round to see me, if you still want to, and we can go shopping together and do girl stuff, OK?’
‘But you won’t be here to tuck me up at night, and au pairs aren’t the same. You’re like my mum—she used to tuck me up, and then she died, and Lyn did it, and then she went, and now you’re going, too.’
‘Shh, sweetheart,’ Anna whispered, biting back her sobs. ‘I’ll still be here for you, I promise. I’m not going anywhere. I just won’t be living here any more, but I won’t be far away, and I’m not going to forget you—I couldn’t forget you. Never. I promise.’
‘I want you to stay,’ Skye said, and sobbed uncontrollably. Her heart almost breaking, Anna scooped her up in her arms and carried the little girl to her room, settling her down on the bed in the crook of her arm.
‘Skye, we can’t always have what we want, but sometimes things work out for the best. I have a job to do, and I can’t really be here all the time. But if I hadn’t stayed we wouldn’t have become such good friends, would we? And so it’s good that I’ve stayed. I know you’re sad I’m going, and I’m sad I’m going, but we’ll still be friends. Do you understand?’
‘Sort of,’ Skye said with a sniff. ‘I was sad when my hamster died, but Daddy said think how lucky I was that I had him and he was such a nice hamster. I suppose it’s like that, really.’
‘Just like that,’ Anna said, aching. ‘Now, why don’t you get into bed and I’ll read you a story—all right?’
‘OK. And then you can tuck me up.’
‘OK.’ Anna picked up a book. ‘How about this one?’
‘Mmm.’
‘Right. “Once upon a time there was a big fat caterpillar…”’
‘We lost him. Sorry to get you out under false pretences. He arrested before we could stabilise him.’
Adam nodded. ‘OK. I’ll go home. Thanks, Ryan.’
He went back out to his car and sat for a moment, dreading the coming confrontation with Anna.
She wasn’t going to back down without another fight, he was sure, and every word she spoke was like an arrow in his heart. It all made so much sense, if only he could dare to trust her—dare to believe in her.
‘Oh, damn,’ he muttered, and turned the key, starting the engine. He had to get it over with, no matter how painful. He had to let her move on, give her a chance.
She’d find love with someone else—someone who could give her the child he knew she needed.
‘Hell.’ He pulled over and blinked hard, pressing his fist to his mouth. This was going to be so hard to do, but he had to do it for her sake.
He dragged in a deep breath, looked over his shoulder and pulled out into the light evening traffic. He wondered if she’d still be standing there in the hall. He half expected to find her there when he came in, but she wasn’t.
He closed the door softly and leant back against it, steadying himself. Give me strength, he prayed silently. Help me do the right thing.
He could hear her voice coming from upstairs, and he kicked off his shoes, stripped off his tie and hung his jacket over the banisters, then walked quietly up the stairs. He’d wait for her. She was with Skye, reading a story, and he sat on the top step and listened to her voice. It was enough to send him to sleep. He was so tired—so tired and sad and full of despair. How would they cope without her?
“‘And the caterpillar had turned into a beautiful butterfly.” There. Isn’t that nice?’
‘Thank you.’
‘My pleasure, darling.’
‘Tuck me up.’
‘OK. There. All right now?’
‘You will see me?’
See her? Adam’s brows pleated in a puzzled frown.
‘Of course I’ll see you. I promised you, Skye.’
‘And you’ll write to me?’
Oh, lord. Skye knew. How? Had she overheard? He listened, agonised, to the rest of the painful exchange.
‘Yes, I’ll write to you, if Daddy will let me, and you can phone me any time you like, all right? I’ll always be there for you, Skye, I promise.’
‘I love you, Anna.’
‘Oh, Skye, I love you, too, darling. Come on, don’t cry any more. It’ll be all right. Your new nanny will be nice, and your granny and grandpa will be back soon and you can see them.’
‘And you’ll see me?’
‘Yes. I will see you. I promise. Now, go to sleep, darling, or you’ll be too tired tomorrow.’
Tears choked Adam. Slowly, soundlessly, he stood and turned towards Skye’s door, just in time to see Anna emerge.
She walked through the door, wrapped her arms around her waist and sagged against the wall, tears streaming down her cheeks.
He was a fool—a stupid, deluded fool. Anna was nothing like Lyn. Lyn had never cried for anyone except herself. Anna was breaking her heart because a little girl loved her, and he was tearing them apart. Tearing them all apart, because he was afraid to trust her, to believe in her, to give them all a chance.
‘Anna?’
She looked up, her eyes stricken, and he held out his hand.
‘Come—talk to me.’
She came, but she didn’t take his hand. She kept her arms wrapped round her body, holding herself together as she followed him down the stairs to the sitting room.
He closed the door firmly behind them and turned to her.
‘I’m sorry, I was wrong,’ he said unevenly. ‘I should have trusted you to know your own feelings. I should have had more faith in you. Just now, hearing you talk to Skye—you’re right. She loves you, she needs you, and I think you need her, too. And as sure as God made little green apples, I need you, my love.’
‘So what happens now?’ Anna said, her voice raw with unshed tears. ‘Do I stay as the nanny, or do I go back to being the mistress, or what, Adam?’
‘Neither. I swore I’d never marry again, but…I love you. You mean more to me than I can begin to understand. You’re my life.’
‘You say that, but you were going to send me away, Adam,’ she said with her usual logic. ‘How can I believe you? What if you change your mind again?’
‘I won’t,’ he promised. ‘I was only doing it for the children. I thought it was the right thing to do, and I was wrong. I don’t even know if in the end I would have been strong enough to let you go.’
He searched her eyes for any sign of forgiveness, but they were expressionless, shimmering with tears. He forced himself to go on. ‘I love you. I need you in my life. Marry me, Anna—please? Be my wife. Be their mother. I know I can’t give you the child you want, and that will haunt me to the end of my days, but I can give you more love than you’ll ever know what to do with. Please?’
>
He closed his eyes, unable to bear the suspense, and he felt the soft touch of her hand against his face, brushing away the tears. ‘Oh, Adam,’ she said gently. ‘Of course I’ll marry you. I love you. I love you all.’
Adam’s arms wrapped round her, crushing her against his chest, and a ragged sob rose in his throat. ‘I thought I’d lost you. I thought I’d said too much—that you couldn’t forgive me.’
‘There was nothing to forgive. You did it all for love.’ She tipped her head back and looked up at him, and he brushed the tears from her cheeks with gentle fingers.
‘I can’t believe I’ve found you. I’ve been waiting for you all my life, and I didn’t dare to believe in you. I’m such a fool.’
‘No, you’re just wary,’ she said gently. ‘It’ll be all right, Adam. You’ll see. It’ll be all right because we’ve got each other, and that’s all that matters. Just dare to believe, my darling. It’s all there, waiting for you. You just have to believe in it.’
He took her mouth in a tender, reverent kiss. Sweet relief coursed through him, leaving him trembling in her arms.
And then a little voice behind whispered, ‘So are you going to stay?’
Anna turned, and Adam saw Skye standing in the doorway, her eyes filled with a hope she didn’t dare trust. Adam knew exactly how she felt.
‘Yes,’ he said firmly. ‘Yes, she’s going to stay. She’s going to stay for ever.’
He reached out his arms, and gathered Skye and Anna into his embrace. This was real. This was love. This, he could believe in…
ISBN: 978-1-4603-5640-1
A MOTHER BY NATURE
First North American Publication 2001
Copyright © 2000 by Caroline Anderson
All rights reserved. Except for use in any review, the reproduction or utilization of this work in whole or in part in any form by any electronic, mechanical or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including xerography, photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, is forbidden without the written permission of the publisher, Harlequin Enterprises Limited, 225 Duncan Mill Road, Don Mills, Ontario, Canada M3B 3K9.
All characters in this book have no existence outside the imagination of the author and have no relation whatsoever to anyone bearing the same name or names. They are not even distantly inspired by any individual known or unknown to the author, and all incidents are pure invention.
A Mother by Nature Page 15
