by David Mamet
GOULD: Hey, Charl, kidding aside, that is what I'm here for. . .
FOX: Then, you can do something. (To KAREN, of Gould:) This guy, Karen, this guy . . . the last eleven years.
GOULD: Forget it. . .
FOX: Forget? Bullshit. This man, my friend . . .
GOULD: Now we're even.
FOX: Oh, you Beauty . .. What's it like being Head of Production? I mean, is it more fun than miniature golf?
GOULD: You put as much energy in your job as you put into kissing my ass . . .
FOX: My job is kissing your ass.
GOULD And don't you forget it.
FOX: Not a chance. (Pause.)
KAREN: Sir:
GOULD: Yes.
KAREN (Pause): I feel silly saying it.
GOULD: What?
KAREN: I. . .
GOULD: Well, whatever it is, say it.
KAREN (pause): I don't know what to do. (Pause.) I don't know what I'm supposed to do. (Pause.)
GOULD: Well, that was very frank of you. I tell you what: don't do anything.
KAREN: Sir . . .?
GOULD: We'll call it a Bank Holiday. (To FOX:) Huh? Let's get out of here.
FOX: Good, let's get out of here.
GOULD: Huh?
FOX: Well done.
GOULD: And let's get out of here. (To KAREN:) Look in my book, and cancel whatever I've got today. Anybody calls, call me tomorrow. I'll be in tomorrow for my ten A.M. meeting with Ross.
FOX: Young America at WORK and PLAY.
GOULD: You get done cancelling my stuff, you can go home.
FOX: Where we going for lunch?
GOULD: Well, I figured we'd drop by the commissary, get the tuna sandwich, then go swishing by Laura Ashley and pick out some cunning prints for my new office.
FOX: Whyn't you just paint it with broken capillaries, decorate it like the inside of your nose.
GOULD: I may. I just may. So, lunch, the Coventry, in half an hour. (To KAREN:) Call the Coventry. Table for two, at One. Thank you. (She exits. Pause. He sighs.) First in war. First in peace. First in the hearts of Pee Wee Reese.
FOX: Lunch at the Coventry.
GOULD: That's right.
FOX: Thy will be done.
GOULD: You see, all that you got to do is eat my doo doo for eleven years, and eventually the wheel comes round.
FOX: Pay back time.
GOULD: You brought me the Doug Brown script.
FOX: Glad I could do it.
GOULD: You son of a bitch . . .
FOX: Hey.
GOULD: Charl, I just hope.
FOX: What?
GOULD: The shoe was on the other foot, I'd act in such a. . .
FOX: . . . hey . . .
GOULD: Really princely way toward you.
FOX: I know you would, Bob, because lemme tell you: experiences like this, films like this . . . these are the films . . .
GOULD: . . . Yes . . .
FOX: These are the films, that whaddayacallit . . . (long pause) that make it all worthwhile.
GOULD: . . . I think you're going to find a lot of things now, make it all worthwhile. I think conservatively, you and me, we build ourselves in to split, minimally, ten percent. (Pause.)
FOX: Of the net.
GOULD: Char, Charlie: permit me to tell you: two things I've learned, twenty-five years in the entertainment industry.
FOX: What?
GOULD: The two things which are always true.
FOX: One:
GOULD: The first one is: there is no net.
FOX: Yeah . . .? (Pause.)
GOULD: And I forgot the second one. Okay, I'm gonna meet you at the Coventry in half an hour. We'll talk about boys and clothes.
FOX: Whaddaya gonna do the interim?
GOULD: I'm gonna Work . . . (Indicating his figures on the pad.)
FOX: Work . . .? You never did a day's work in your life.
GOULD: Oooh, Oooh, . . . the Bitching Lamp is Lit.
FOX: You never did a fucken’ day's work in your life.
GOULD: That true?
FOX: Eleven years I've known you, you're either scheming or you're ziggin’ and zaggin’, hey I know you, Bob.
GOULD: Oh yes, the scorn of the impotent. . .
FOX: I know you, Bob. I know you from the back. I know what you're staying for.
Gould: You do?
FOX: Yes.
GOULD: What?
FOX: You're staying to Hide the Afikomen.
GOULD: Yeah?
FOX: You're staying to put those moves on your new secretary.
GOULD: I am?
FOX: Yeah, and it will not work.
GOULD: It will not work, what are you saying . . .?
FOX: No, I was just saying that she . . .
GOULD: . . . she wouldn't go for me.
FOX: That she won't go for you.
GOULD (pause): Why?
FOX: Why? (Pause.) I don't know.
GOULD: What do you see . . .?
FOX: I think . . . I think . . . you serious?
GOULD: Yes.
FOX: I don't want to pee on your parade.
GOULD: No . . .
FOX: I mean, I'm sorry that I took the edge off it.
GOULD: I wasn't going to hit on her.
FOX: Hmmm.
GOULD: I was gonna . . .
FOX: You were gonna work.
GOULD: Yes.
FOX: Oh.
GOULD (pause): But tell me what you see.
FOX: What I see, what I saw, just an observation . . .
GOULD: . . . yes . . .
FOX: It's not important.
GOULD: Tell me what you see. Really.
FOX: I just thought, I just thought she falls between two stools.
GOULD: And what would those stools be?
FOX: That she is not, just some, you know, a “floozy” . . .
GOULD: A “floozy” . . .
FOX: . . . on the other hand, I think I'd have to say, I don't think she is so ambitious she would schtup you just to get ahead. (Pause.) That's all. (Pause.)
GOULD: What if she just “liked” me? (Pause.)
FOX: If she just “liked” you?
GOULD: Yes.
FOX: Ummm. (Pause.)
GOULD: Yes.
FOX: You're saying, if she just. . . liked you . .. (Pause.)
GOULD: You mean nobody loves me for myself.
FOX: No.
GOULD: No?
FOX: Not in this office . . .
GOULD: And she's neither, what, vacant nor ambitious enough to go . . .
FOX: . . . I'm not saying you don't deserve it, you do deserve it. Hey, . . . I think you're worth it.
GOULD: Thank you. You're saying that she's neither, what, dumb, nor ambitious enough, she would go to bed with me.
FOX: . . . she's too, she's too . . .
GOULD: She's too . . . High-line . . .?
FOX: No, she's, she's too . . .
GOULD: She's too . . .
FOX: . . . yes.
GOULD: Then what's she doing in this office?
FOX: She's a Temporary Worker.
GOULD: You're full of it, Chuck.
FOX: Maybe. And I didn't mean to take the shine off our . . .
GOULD: Hey hey he sends the cross, he sends the strength to bear it. Go to, go to lunch, I'll meet you at. . .
FOX: I didn't mean to imply . . .
GOULD: Imply. Naaa. Nobody Loves Me. Nobody loves me for myself. Hey, Big Deal, don't go mopin’ on me here. We'll go and celebrate. A Douglas Brown Film. Fox and Gould . . .
FOX: . . . you're very kind . . .
GOULD: . . . you brought the guy in. Fox and Gould Present:
FOX: I'll see you at lunch . . . (Starts to exit.)
GOULD: But I bet she would go, I bet she would go out with me.
FOX: I bet she would, too.
GOULD: No, No. I'm saying, I think that she “likes” me.
FOX: Yeah. I'm sure she does.
GOULD: No,
joking apart, Babe. My perceptions . . . Say I'm nuts, I don't think so—she likes me, and she'd go out with me.
FOX: How much?
GOULD: How much? Seriously . . .? (Pause.)
FOX: Yeah.
GOULD: . . . that she would . . .?
FOX: Yeah. That she would anything. (Pause.) That she would anything. (Pause.) That she would deal with you in any other than a professional way. (Pause.)
GOULD: Well, my, my, my, my, my.
FOX: What can I tell you, “Bob.”
GOULD: That I can get her on a date, that I can get her to my house, that I can screw her.
FOX: I don't think so.
GOULD: How much? (Pause.)
FOX: A hundred bucks.
GOULD: That's enough?
FOX: Five hundred bucks that you can't.
GOULD: Five hundred? That's enough?
FOX: A gentleman's bet.
GOULD: Done. Now get out of here, and let me work . . . the Coventry at One. I need . . .
FOX: The script, the budget, chain of ownership . . .
GOULD: Good.
FOX: I'll swing by my, I'll bring it to lunch.
GOULD: Good. Char . . . (Pause.)
FOX: What?
GOULD: Thank you.
FOX: Hey. Fuck you. (Exits.)
(GOULD sits alone for a moment, writing. KAREN enters.)
KAREN: Mr. Gould . . .
GOULD: Bobby.
KAREN: Sir. (Pause.) I was not able to get you a table at the Coventry. But I tentatively booked you at. . .
GOULD: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. (Pause.) It's alright. I'm going to tell you what you did, and it's alright you did it. Sit down. You called up the Coventry and asked them for a table for two at one o'clock. And they told you they had absolutely nothing. That right?
KAREN: Yes. (Pause.) I . . . I . . . I'm so sorry. Of course. I should have mentioned your name.
GOULD: It's alright.
KAREN: It was very . . . it was naïve of me.
GOULD: It's alright.
KAREN: I had . . . no: you're right. I had a thought, when I was hanging up, then I thought: “You forgot to . . .”
GOULD: . . . it's alright.
KAREN: “You forgot to ‘tell’ them,” then I thought: “what difference does it make? If they don't have a table . . .”
GOULD: It's alright.
KAREN: If they didn't have a table, what difference who called up? But, of course, they have a table for you . . . I'm sorry. It was naïve of me.
GOULD: Listen, there's nothing wrong with being naïve, with learning . . .
KAREN (simultaneously with “learning"): And I'm sure. . . I'm sorry.
Gould: No, go on.
KAREN: . . . I was going to say . . .
GOULD: . . . yes . . .?
KAREN: I was going to say that I'm sure that much of a job like this, a job like this, is learning to think in a . . .
GOULD: Yes.
KAREN: To think in a . . . business fashion.
GOULD: That's what makes the life exciting, addictive, you know what I'm talking about, you want a thrill in your life?
KAREN: . . . a thrill. . .?
GOULD: To make something, to do something, to be a part of something. Money, art, a chance to Play at the Big Table . . . Hey, you're here, and you want to participate in it. (Pause.)
KAREN: Yes.
GOULD: Well, of course you do. And it is an exciting world.
KAREN: I'm sure it is.
GOULD: Sudden changes all the time. You want to know some of it. Now, you want to know a secret?
KAREN: Yes.
GOULD: I'll tell you one. Siddown. (KAREN sits.) Charlie Fox comes in and he's formed a relationship with Doug Brown. Doug will leave his studio and do a film with us. Charlie Fox brought it to us, brought it to me really. And in the Highest Traditions of the Motion Picture Industry, we're actually going to make a movie.
KAREN: Is it a good film?
GOULD: I'm sorry.
KAREN: Is it a good film?
GOULD: Well, it's a commodity. And I admire you for not being ashamed to ask the question. Yes, it's a good question, and I don't know if it is a good film. “What about Art?” I'm not an artist. Never said I was, and nobody who sits in this chair can be. I'm a businessman. “Can't we try to make good films?” Yes. We try. I'm going to try to make a good film of this prison film. The question: Is there such a thing as a good film which loses money? In general, of course. But, really, not. For me, ‘cause if the films I make lose money, then I'm back on the streets with a sweet and silly smile on my face, they lost money ‘cause nobody saw them, it's my fault. A tree fell in the forest, what did I accomplish? Yes. You see? There is a way things are. Some people are elected, try to change the world, this job is not that job. Somebody, somebody . . . in this job, in the job I have, somebody is always trying to “promote” you: to use something, some “hook” to get you to do something in their own best interest. You follow me?
KAREN: Of course.
GOULD: ‘Cause this desk is a position to advance, y'understand? It's a platform to aid, to push someone along. But I Can't Do It. Why? That's not my business. My business is to make decisions for the studio. Means I have to be blunt, to say “no,” much, most of the time, that's my job. And I think it's a good job: ‘cause it's a job of responsibility. Pressure, many rewards. One of them, one time in a billion years, someone was loyal to me, and I'm talking about Charlie Fox, stuck with me, comes in here, let's face it, does a favor for me . . . he could of took the script across the street, no, but he came to me, now—I can throw in with him and we rise together. That's what the job is. It's a job, all the bullshit aside, deals with people. (He hunts on his desk, picks up a copy of the book he was reading from earlier.) Look here. Agent gives his client's book to Ross: “The Bridge or, Radiation and the Half-Life of Society”: Now, who is Mister Ross, now . . .?
KAREN: He is the Head of the Studio.
GOULD: And he has a button on my console. That's right. Author's agent gave this book to Ross. A novel. Written by a Very Famous Eastern Writer. What's this book about? “The End of the World.” Great. Now: Ross, no dummy, says, of course, he'll read the book. Gives me the book to read, so when he tells the author “how he loved the book but it won't make a movie,” he can say something intelligent about it. You get it? This, in the business, is called “a courtesy read. “
KAREN: A courtesy read.
GOULD: Yes. No one has any intention of making the book, but we read it, as a courtesy. Does this mean that we're depraved? No. It's just business . . . how business is done, you see?
KAREN: I think.
GOULD: A business. Start to close.
KAREN: But what if there is something in the book?
GOULD: In the book?
KAREN: Yes. (Pause.)
GOULD: It's a novel about the historical effects of radiation . . .
KAREN: Yes, but. . .
GOULD: I mean, I mean, the author's crazy as a fucken’ June bug.
KAREN: But, but.
GOULD: . . . what if. . .?
KAREN: Yes.
GOULD: What if, after everything . . .
KAREN: . . . yes . . .
GOULD: Hope against hope, there is something in the book.
KAREN: Yes.
GOULD: Something in the book, that. . .
KAREN: Yes. (Pause.)
GOULD: Well, I'd be delighted. No. You're right. You're right. I'll tell you. (Pause.) You're making my point. Absolutely. This job corrupts you. You start to think, all the time “what do these people want from me?” (Pause.) And everything becomes a task. (Pause.)
KAREN: Does it have to be that?
GOULD: Can we keep ourselves pure? Hey, I prayed to be pure.
KAREN: You prayed? To be pure?
GOULD: I did, I said God give me the job as Head of Production. Give me a platform to be “good, “ and I'll be good. They gave me the job, I'm here one day and look at me: a Big Fat Whore.
A book, it may be a fine, fine book by a well-respected writer. And because this writer's got the reputation being “artsy” . . . artsy, you understand . . . I'm ready, everybody backs me up in this, to assume that his book is unsuitable for the screen, so I look on it as a “courtesy read.”
KAREN: Do you enjoy your work?
GOULD: Excuse me?
KAREN: Do, if I'm being too frank . . .
GOULD: . . . do I enjoy my work? Yes. Very much. (Pause.) Don't you think you would enjoy it?
KAREN: Yes, I think I would enjoy it.
GOULD: You do? Good for you. What of it would you enjoy?
KAREN: The making decisions.
GOULD: Then good for you.
KAREN: Because . . .
GOULD: . . . yes . . .?
KAREN: Perhaps I'm naïve, but I would think that if you could keep your values straight, if you had principles to refer to, then . . .
GOULD: Hmmm.
KAREN: I know it's naïve . . .
GOULD: Yes it is naïve, and it's also correct.
KAREN: You think it is?
GOULD: Yes, I do. Now, we could talk about purity or we could turn the page. What do you want to do?
KAREN: Talk about purity.
GOULD: Okay. (Pause.) If you don't have principles, whatever they are . . . then each day is hell, you haven't got a compass. All you've got is “good taste” and you can shove good taste up your ass and fart “The Carnival of Venice.” Good taste will not hack it. ‘Cause each day the pressure just gets worse. It gets more difficult. (Pause.) I want you to do me a favor. Read that book for me.
KAREN: I should read it. . .?
GOULD: Yes.
KAREN: The Radiation Book?
GOULD: Let's be frank: it's probably, it's almost definitely unsuitable, it probably is artsy. But as you said, maybe it isn't. You read it, you'll tell me, and I'll tell Mr. Ross.
Karen: . . . I. . .
GOULD: . . . and then, you're right, and then at least we looked.
KAREN: I'd be flattered to read it.
GOULD: Good.
KAREN: Thank you.
GOULD: Not at all. I thank you. I'll need a report on it. . .
KAREN: . . . of course.
GOULD: By tonight. How long will it take you to . . .
KAREN: Well, I won't be able to start reading it ‘til after work. . .
GOULD (simultaneously with “work"): Fine. Tonight, I'm going to be home. When you're finished, you bring the report to me and we'll discuss it.
KAREN: Absolutely. Thank you.
GOULD: Not at all. Now, I've . .. Please call the Coventry. Tell them, a table for Mr. Fox and me, twenty minutes . . .
