I stared at his somewhat skanky appearance. ‘Blimey, there’s loads of women out there complete pushovers then. Or do you have some kind of strange power of suggestion?’
The sun had faded now and we were lit only by the reflection on the snow. It was an odd golden light which accentuated his eyes and the atmosphere felt strangely heavy, as though we moved through something semi-solid, something which slowed our responses into deliberation. ‘Yes.’ He leaned in, touched my hair, his eyes never leaving mine. His hands were cold but even icier was the touch of the silver ring which almost stuck to my skin as his fingers drew my face in close. But his mouth was warm as it came down and it tasted of lust.
And I knew what he was doing. Recognised that need to block real life out with sex, to hide from the big and the scary and the sheer perpetuality of the ruthlessness and the guilt, behind physical reactions. It was how I got through the days, after all. His tongue flickered against mine and his teeth slid gently over the soft skin on the inside of my lower lip, raising an erogenous zone I hadn’t even known I had. One of those long legs slid between my thighs, bringing his body in so close that I felt the bones of his hips against my flesh and the firm length of arousal around my navel.
It felt slightly weird to be inside the moment whilst knowing what was behind it all, but, dear God, he was gorgeous … I kissed back, reaching up until I could put my arms around his neck, pulling him into me, thigh to thigh and lip to lip, my body held against his chest so hard that I could feel his heart racing and the faint tremble of his ribs as he breathed in. He smelled musky and the taste of his mouth was pure sex.
He moved, trying, I think, to touch bare skin, but the movement unbalanced us. We toppled backwards, landing on the bed in a tangle of legs and arms and hair; I was underneath suddenly, lying on a duvet which smelled of his skin, staring up at his chest. From the way he was gazing down at me his usual blocking technique wasn’t working for him this time – his expression was all distress and confusion.
‘Well,’ I said, to hear a normal, human sound.
‘Well indeed.’ He rolled off me, and lay flat on his back. His eyes looked a bit unfocussed. ‘I’m sorry.’ A flick of a look, ‘I shouldn’t have done that.’
I was breathless. ‘Where did it come from? Not that I’m complaining, you understand, just … it was a bit intense.’
‘Habit, I guess. Use sex to block everything else out. But I usually try for at least a little subtlety, not that …’ He waved an arm, struck wordless. ‘It was like pole dancing.’
‘It was from where I was standing,’ I said, and giggled. ‘I bet you’re really something with your clothes off, Mr Rhys.’
‘Ha. Of course I am.’ He turned towards me. ‘I guess I was – I dunno. Overwhelmed by the moment? Uptight and in need of some contact? Because when you’re using your body, you don’t have to use your mind, and I really don’t want to think at the moment.’
‘Well, I’m here,’ I said, almost as an instinctive response and then bit my tongue as the realisation blossomed slowly through my mind that I didn’t want to be something he used to block everything out. Knowing what he was trying to do had blown my own life open in front of my eyes and left me staring at the wreckage.
‘Yeah.’ A fingertip traced the contours of my face. ‘You are.’
The line we hadn’t yet crossed trembled in the air between us. Part of me wanted to throw myself over, let gravity take me down, but that part was pure habit and the part that was looking down from above and starting to understand the suffering of this man held me back. There was a sense that something was changing.
‘But this isn’t what you want.’ My voice sounded hoarse, dark, unlike me.
‘No.’ His hand fell away to rest casually against my hair.
‘Thanks very much.’ I didn’t move away though.
‘What I said just now, about short, intense relationships. And how there’s nobody when you need someone. Understanding … I’m having a major rethink about it all, about my life.’
‘Whilst lying on a bed with a woman.’
‘As you say.’ He smiled gravely. ‘Still working on the fine details.’
‘Well.’ I sat up, trying not to let my inner confusion show. ‘At least something has been resolved. God, I know I wished for excitement, but it could have been a bit more …’
‘You wished for what?’ He grabbed the change of topic and ran with it. ‘Is this part of that spell thing you were making?’
Cautiously, waiting for the laughter, I told him about our wishes. ‘Mine was for excitement. And, you have to admit, that was pretty exciting. So, maybe, that was my part of the spell working out for me.’
‘It was really that exciting?’ Kai propped himself up on one elbow. ‘God. You should see me on a good day. ‘ His legs stretched over the side of the bed and he was up, standing beside me, looking down. ‘Come on.’
‘That bastard streak really does run wide in you, doesn’t it?’ I complained, but I’d felt it too, our moment of closeness was over.
‘It wouldn’t be right, Holly. I think you felt it too, didn’t you? That whatever we did here, it was never going to be enough to stop …’ he cupped his hands over his eyes and bent his head into them for a second. ‘When … just as I kissed you I saw your expression … You haven’t always wanted it either, have you? You’ve gone along with it, played along with men … blocking stuff out. Hiding from the hurt but never managing to connect … and I don’t want that from you. Not just to block out something …’ He stopped talking and turned his face as he let his hands fall. ‘I didn’t want that,’ he finished.
‘Unfinished business,’ I said, trying to lighten the mood and swinging up to stand next to him. ‘Well known for causing impotence.’
‘Cheeky mare.’ He leaned past me to turn on the lamp, but carefully avoided touching me. ‘Did I feel impotent to you?’
I didn’t dare look at him. He’d felt anything but impotent pressed against me on that bed, and I was beginning to feel a touch ashamed of my response. Why, though? He’d been offering, I’d been willing … hadn’t I? I hesitated a moment, driven by an impulse that was strange to me and then touched his arm. Not for the sake of touching, not to try to rekindle his interest in my body, but simply as a gesture of support, an attempt to comfort. ‘Kai … it will be all right. Whatever you decide, it will be the right thing for you.’
This time he looked at me and I saw his eyebrows rise. ‘You’ve got a lot of faith in me for a woman who hardly knows me, haven’t you?’
‘You seem to have made the right choices so far. Just don’t let fear make you jump the wrong way this time.’
He gave a ragged laugh. ‘Right choices? Yeah, that’ll be why I’m sitting here in a house that looks like Aleister Crowley’s weekend retreat pouring my heart out to a woman I’ve just met who has every right not to give a tuppenny shit about my life.’ His voice was low and bitter. ‘Right choices all down the line, Holly.’
I had to lift the mood. I knew how it worked, this kind of thing, and it circled downwards into scariness really quickly. Had to make a joke … ‘Anyway, maybe you can get it up but you can’t use it.’
I moved past him to get to the doorway, flinging the door open to surprise Cerys, about to knock.
‘I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that,’ she said. ‘In fact, I’m going in for hypnosis tomorrow to get it wiped from my mind. Holly, your mobile’s been ringing and ringing down here, on and off for the last twenty minutes.’ She held out my phone. ‘If someone’s that desperate …’
‘Probably Megan, calling from work to tell me British Home Stores has got a special on cushions again,’ I said, looking through my Missed Call record. ‘I’ve got no idea why she thinks I’d be interested.’
But it was my parents’ number, in Aberdeen. I dialled it, and my mother answered immediately. ‘Holly! You’re there.’
‘Well, actually I’m over here,’ I said jokingly, but worried by her tone. �
��What’s up, Ma?’
Cerys and Kai looked at one another. He shook his head gently at her, I couldn’t guess what she’d been about to say.
‘Is Nicholas with you?’
‘No.’ Ridiculous, I know, but I looked around in case he might have been. ‘He’s with you. Isn’t he?’
‘He … he’s stopped taking his medication. Yesterday he got a bit … oh, Holly, it was bad.’
I stared at the phone. Stopped? But he’d been so settled, so happy on them. ‘Are you sure he’s not … forgotten or something?’
‘He’d been fine up until the day before yesterday. Then he just seemed to … have one of his moments, you know how he gets overexcited about things, a bit … silly. Anyway, he and your Dad had … words last night, and he went off. I thought he’d come in later and gone to bed, and we were out all day today. I thought he was sulking, you know how he can be, but when I went to call him for tea, he wasn’t there, and then I thought …’ her voice wavered. ‘His mobile is switched off. I thought he’d be with you.’
I couldn’t get my head around this. Nicholas definitely had enough meds with him, so why would he stop taking them, just like that? I mean, usually I phoned him or saw him every morning to check that he’d taken everything, but, surely, Mum would have made sure while he was up there …? I had a moment of cold guilt. I’d virtually forgotten about Nicky while he’d been away; out of sight, out of mind …
‘He might be trying to get here, Ma. I’ll go and look in the usual places, don’t worry. He’ll probably be in in half an hour, starving hungry and terrified of the dark, if not with you then with me.’
I reassured her several times that Nicholas, even on one of his worst days, could manage to transport himself safely, then hung up. Cerys and Kai were watching me and they followed me down the stairs to the kitchen.
‘I’ll go and drive around,’ Kai said. ‘Do the local train station and the bus station and then try York. Cerys, you co-ordinate.’
‘I can’t ask you to do that.’ I dragged my still-damp coat from the back of the chair where it had been steaming gently in front of the fire. ‘It will be fine, he …’ I swallowed the terrified lump in my throat. ‘I can find him.’
Kai’s hand intercepted my attempt to pull my coat on. ‘It will be easier with two pairs of eyes,’ he said evenly. ‘We can cover twice as much ground.’
‘Yes, but …’
‘You need help, Holly. For fuck’s sake, take it when it’s offered.’ Despite the urgency of his words his tone was still light and careful. ‘And like you said earlier … I’m here. I’m offering.’
I hesitated, but the wind drove another fierce flurry of snow against the window and I gave in. ‘I’ll go up to the dual carriageway, in case he’s hitching in,’ I said. ‘He might have got dropped off.’
‘If I find him,’ Kai paused, starting down the stairs, ‘is there anything I should do?’
‘Get him somewhere safe and call me. It’s okay, Cerys, he’s thirty-two.’
‘Thank God, I thought you’d lost a child!’ She clutched her heart. ‘So he’s a bit fragile, Nicholas, yes?’
‘You could say that.’
We parted on the step, Kai to get the Jeep out, me to drive the treacherous ten miles back to Malton to search all the main road junctions. As he swung into his jacket and palmed the keys, I put a hand on his shoulder.
‘You really don’t have to do this.’
He looked at me darkly. ‘I want to. And I can’t sit here worrying about that letter. Looking for Nick will give me something to do.’
‘Well, thanks.’
A pause. ‘I guess sometimes we all need help. Let’s just find him, Holly.’ And then, as the night swallowed up his shape, ‘Holly?’
‘Yes?’
‘I don’t think any of this is the kind of excitement you wished for, is it?’
I turned my back and headed for the car.
Chapter Fourteen
I drove faster than was safe, terrified that Nick would have started travelling, got caught up in one of the many things that were liable to take his attention from the task in hand, and decided to sleep rough. The temperature was plummeting below freezing and the wind kept beating snow on the sides of my little car; even Ranulph Fiennes and his huskies would have gone home to bed on a night like this.
There was no sign of Nicholas. I drove up and down the motorway for a bit then parked in the Service Station and rang his mobile again, but it went straight to voicemail. I rang the flat he shared with several other lads, but no one was there either. As I was about to pull back out onto the almost deserted dual carriageway my phone rang and I snatched it up, my heart thundering. ‘Nicky?’
‘No, it’s Kai. Are you all right?’
‘Cold and my tyres seem to have lost all grip. You?’
‘I’m in York, waiting for a train. Someone thought they saw a guy who looked a bit like Nicholas on the platform at Berwick getting on a train headed south. Where are you?’
I told him, clutching the steering wheel so hard that my fingers went grey. ‘How did you find out about Berwick?’
‘I put the word out. Being a journalist has its advantages, sometimes. The staff on Berwick railway station are very friendly, you know.’
‘God, I hope it’s him.’
‘So do I. Look, the weather is pretty diabolical, why don’t you get back to your place. One of us on the roads is enough tonight. It’s getting dangerous and I’ve got the Jeep. Your car doesn’t have four wheel drive, does it?’
‘I consider myself lucky that it’s got four wheels.’
‘Then get home. There’s nothing to be gained by being in a nine-car pile-up, and I’ll keep looking until even the Jeep can’t handle it any more.’
‘Thank you.’
I heard the smile in his answer. ‘That’s all right. This is nicely distracting, if you know what I mean,’ and he hung up.
I drove very carefully back to my house, where the heating was battling to keep the draughts at bay, drew the curtains and cried for a bit. I couldn’t bear it. Couldn’t bear the thought of Nicholas somewhere out in the cold, alone and confused. Or the awful sorrow that I’d seen on Kai’s face at the idea of his birth mother trying to find him after thirty-something years. And a little bit of introspective horror at the realisation that what I’d really and truly felt on hearing Nicholas had disappeared, was relief.
I rang Megan on the house phone, leaving my mobile where I’d see its flashing Incoming Call light.
‘Hey, Holl. Isn’t it a filthy night? The snow is nearly over the top of my window ledge. I’ve got the phone in bed, it’s the warmest place.’
A little bit of tension went out of me at the normality of her chat. She might not be the most practical person on the planet, but Meg was always there for me. ‘Yeah, it’s disgusting. I’ve got the heating going full blast and it’s still chilly in here.’
‘You remember that dog from the yard? It’s so cold, and I didn’t like the thought of him being out there with no shelter, so I let him into the passageway.’ She spoke quickly, and I knew she was lying.
‘He’s on your bed, isn’t he?’
‘Well … Holl, he’s so thin and so sweet, and I offered him a tin of stewing steak and he ate it so fast, I’m sure he’s been starved, and I gave him a bath and he looked so grateful,’ she said in a rush. ‘I’ll find out who he belongs to when the storm dies down.’
‘Right now I’d settle for a mangy dog,’ I muttered.
‘Sorry?’
‘Nothing.’
‘Oh, and Vivienne wants us all over at hers tomorrow morning at nine, if the roads are clear enough. She said that it’s time for us to perform some devotions, or something like that. To get the spell to start working.’
‘Do you think the spell knows that there’s two feet of snow lying? Don’t you think it might cut us some slack?’ I looked out into the darkness. The main road, which lay outside the front of my house, was empty. Every
so often an enormous truck or snowplough would barge its way through the deepening snow, but there was no regular traffic and cars were parked up where my neighbours had got home early. I felt a lurch in my stomach. ‘Anyway. I might see you there, if I can dig my way through.’
‘The ploughs are out. Roads will be clear by morning.’
‘Okay. Look, I’d better go.’ Nicholas might be trying to get through on the landline. Or Kai. ‘Stay safe.’
‘You too, Holl. Oh, look what he’s done! Get down! Or sit, or something …’
I checked the phone. No one had tried to ring. I went to the front window and stared out at the misleadingly soft whiteness. People died in this stuff. They lay down and they froze, or their cars went off the road, or they …
My mobile rang. Kai didn’t waste time on pleasantries. ‘I’ve got him.’
‘Oh thank God.’ I was afraid I might cry again. ‘Where are you?’
‘Back at mine. I picked Nick up, then went on to his doctor’s, got him some emergency meds. By then we were nearer here than your place, and the roads are getting so bad I thought I’d better come back. You know, with Cerys and everything.’
‘No, that’s … it’s fine. Is he …? Can I speak to him? I ought to come and get him.’
‘Don’t worry about coming. He was pretty strung out when I got to him, but the doc gave him something and he’s asleep now.’
‘Oh, Kai.’ I swallowed. I wanted to say something else but my throat seemed to have swollen. ‘Kai.’
‘Hey,’ and his voice was soft. ‘Everything’s okay. Go to bed Holly. You can fetch Nicholas tomorrow, but don’t hurry, wait until the roads are clear. He’s fine here.’
My heart was calming down now. ‘You are brilliant, Kai Rhys.’
A smile in his words. ‘Yeah, yeah. See you.’ And he put the phone down.
I had too much of the adrenaline of relief to want to sleep. I decided to watch TV for a bit, so I wrapped myself in a fleecy blanket and snuggled down on the sofa. There, life wasn’t so bad, was it? My brother was safe, I had a plate of toast, warm toes and some trashy programmes, it was going to …
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