by Joss Ware
“What do you say?” he asked, moving a lock of hair from her face, brushing it over the top of her head.
“I say that parenting is hard enough when you’re doing it with someone you love, when you’re ready for it. But it’s even harder when you aren’t. So, I don’t advocate for people to have babies just to populate the world. My view might not be the most popular, but that’s it.” She shrugged. “That’s another thing I used to ask why about—why I only have Sammy.”
“That wasn’t your choice?”
Selena shook her head and that lock of hair fell back down. She pushed it away, then let her fingers slide gently against his chest. “I’ve had five pregnancies, possibly more.”
“But . . . any ch—” he started, then stilled. “Five?”
Her mouth drew down a bit at the corners. “At least three miscarriages, one little girl that died as an infant, and of course, Sam.”
“Oh . . . Selena,” he said, his voice low. “I’m so sorry.”
She nodded, her face sideways, her eyes holding his in the low light. “Me too. But . . . it was a long time ago, the last one. And obviously . . . Well, for whatever reason, Sam is my only surviving child. I always wanted another baby, though. So . . .” Her voice trailed off. “If it happened again, even at my advanced age, I would be happy.”
Theo’s mind scattered into little pieces of shock, panic, curiosity, and warmth. And one big question: How did he feel about that?
But Selena, as she often appeared to do, seemed to understand his quandary. “As much of a stud as you are . . . and you definitely are,” she added with a meaningful smile, “don’t worry that I’m using you to father my child. I’m definitely not.”
“I wasn’t worried about that,” he interrupted. “I just . . . well, becoming a father isn’t something I’d take lightly. I’d want to be married first, to a woman I knew I’d want to be with for the rest of my life. Which is why I was angry when I wasn’t prepared—even though I should have been.”
Selena sighed. “I wish Sammy felt that way. I don’t know if he and Jennifer are having sex, but— Well, what do you think? What are the chances?”
“Uh, pretty good. I’d assume they’re moving bookshelves,” he replied with a grin at the euphemism. “Seventeen-year-old boy and a girl who looks like Jennifer? Done deal. Sorry,” he added when she looked at him with displeasure.
“Ugh,” Selena replied. “That is not a thought I’d like stuck in my mind.”
“Then let me take your mind off it,” Theo said, reaching for her.
She slid close with an eagerness that heated him up again.
This time, everything was long and slow and easy. Body sliding against body, pausing to feel the way they fit, looking at the way the different shades of skin matched up in the faulty light, the texture of hair-roughened flesh against smooth, silky skin. He couldn’t seem to get enough of tasting her, sliding his fingers through her heavy hair, of the little sounds she made when he did something pleasurable, of the now-gentle tracing of her nails on his shoulders.
When he lifted himself over to cover her, to fit into her, he made those strokes last, allowing the threads of pleasure to weave slowly, in soft little waves, until he felt the change in her breathing and the pumping of her heart beginning to match his own. And even then, they moved in that sensual rhythm, holding back as comfortable lovers do, knowing that the end would come and taking their time getting there.
And when they did, they matched that too. It was as if he slipped over the top of the Ferris wheel, arching and then sweeping down in a long, rush of pleasure that ended in a bubble of heat that burst through him just as she tensed and shuddered beneath on her own ride.
Wow, he thought as he uncurled his toes and rolled his eyes back into position some time later. His body slowly came back to earth.
Once again, shifting a bit, he gathered her against him and curled an arm around her shoulders. Tucked under his chin, she sighed and he felt her relax into slumber.
But Theo didn’t sleep.
He didn’t dare. He lay awake, holding Selena, wondering about all of the variety of emotions barreling through his otherwise exhausted body.
He’d succeeded in keeping her in tonight. Keeping her safe.
The very thought of her going out there into that wildness again was enough to thrust away all of the pleasure and satiation of the last hours. He was still angry that she’d lied to him, or changed her mind, or whatever. Whether he had the right to be or not, he couldn’t dismiss the feeling—it was a fury driven by fear and confusion.
He had to find a way to stop her. To keep her safe.
To convince her that it wasn’t worth the danger. That she was needed here, for her patients. For people who came to the Death Lady and needed her peace and guidance.
And that she had a responsibility to those who lived, those who loved her. Vonnie, Frank, Sam.
And, Theo considered, very likely himself.
He was a very different person since he’d awakened from this second resurrection. Or maybe he’d just reverted to who he was before.
Maybe that was why.
He realized as he felt her comforting presence next to him, as the sun just started to light the sky beyond the window, that he could do this every night. That he would.
So much for staying away from her until she got to know him.
Chapter 11
Theo awoke to the sun blasting with great force through the easterly window. Selena was gone, but the stab of worry that had him vaulting from his bed lessened when he remembered that he’d remained vigilant until the danger of night was past.
She couldn’t have gone out after those zombies; she was safe somewhere.
Nevertheless, he dressed quickly and thought about going down to the kitchen to see what Vonnie was cooking . . . and to see how Selena was.
Now, in the light of day, did he feel uneasy about manipulating her into staying in?
No.
Mayyybe.
He knew it was for her own good. But would she see it that way?
Hell, he’d seen and felt the resistance and apprehension in her as she approached the gate last night. Whatever it was she thought she was doing helping the zombies to die a humane death, it wasn’t something she wanted to do. He hadn’t had to work hard to convince her to spend the night in his arms.
Theo told himself all of those logical arguments, but he couldn’t quite dismiss the fact that she was gone. That she’d left without waking him.
His thoughts, circular and greedy, were interrupted by the sound of footsteps on the stairs and a dull rapping on the side of the door.
Theo pulled to his feet from the couch when he saw Sam. “Hey,” he said, shaking off the last vestiges of worry.
The kid had a tray with food on it—Bless Vonnie!—and he set it on the table next to the monitor that was still lit up. So much for a screen saver, because the image of the Cult of Atlantis still glowed there. Was probably burned onto the screen forever.
“Brought this for you,” Sam said, gesturing to the food. But he was looking at the monitors. “I want you to teach me about these. What you’re doing. Hey”—he froze, and his eyes goggled as he looked at Theo; suspicion, and maybe a little fear, glowed there—“I’ve seen that before.”
He was pointing to the labyrinthine symbol.
“You have?” Theo asked casually, taking a drink of sweetened tea for his dry mouth, and doing a quick glance around the room to make sure Selena hadn’t left any signs of her presence. This sleeping with a mother had definite complications. “Where?”
“The Elite. When they come here, they have it sometimes on their list. I think I saw it once, inked on someone’s arm.”
“Do they come here often?” Theo asked, trying the thick hunk of bread. Slathered with butter, just a bit warm, it tasted like heaven. Zucchini bread. And scrambled eggs. Vonnie was a goddess. He could marry her.
“Yes. Once or twice a year. What are you doing?” S
am had moved forward and looked as if he wanted to touch the keyboard. Fascination warred with apprehension and he hesitated.
“Go ahead. Try it.” Theo came over and shoved the keyboard from the second computer toward him. Right onto the spot the kid’s mom’s bare rump had been only a few hours ago. He nearly blushed at the memory, and had to pull his thoughts back to the present. Yep, he had it bad if he was fantasizing about the kid’s mom while the kid was here.
“I don’t know what to do with it,” Sam said. But he sank onto the chair and tapped one of the keys.
“Why do the Elite—or the bounty hunters—come here?” Theo asked.
He had heard a variety of horror stories about the Elite—or Strangers—and their visits to settlements. Sometimes they were uneventful, but other times there were repercussions later. Only two months ago, he and Elliott Drake had been trying to save a group of teens about Sam’s age from being taken off into slavery for the Elite. The Strangers had tricked the teens into becoming addicted to grit, the post-apocalyptic version of crystal meth, and had lured them away from Envy with the promise of more. “You should stay away from them.”
“That’s what Mom says,” Sam replied. He was pecking at the keys, typing nonsense on the coding screen. Theo let him get a feel for it.
“Listen to her. I’ve seen lots of bad things happen with them.”
Sam paused and looked up at him, his eyes wary. “You seem a lot older than you are. I mean, than you look.”
“I am,” Theo replied. Not that the kid would believe him, but lying was never a good policy. “What do they do when they come?”
But Sam didn’t get a chance to reply, because they heard the sound of footsteps, followed by his mother’s voice calling for him. The kid bolted from the chair faster than Theo had ever seen him move, and was across the room trying not to look at the pinball machines and video game consoles when Selena appeared.
“Vonnie said you were up here,” she commented, looking at both of them, but speaking to Sam. Her glance over Theo had been impersonal, but she generally was all business in front of her son. It didn’t necessarily mean anything. “Sammy, you and I are overdue for a chat, I think.”
Theo tried not to ogle, but it was hard not to. She just looked so good, so casual and warm and feminine with her dark hair long and loose, and in a deep-vee pink shirt that buttoned down the front. Her legs were bare beneath dun-colored shorts, long and golden, and—Oh boy—she was wearing something around her ankle. A woven cord with little beads on it, low and sagging just slightly over the curve of her ankle. Just loose enough that he could slip his little finger beneath it, slide it around the tender skin of her foot.
Anything he might have said was interrupted when she gave Sam a firm look and gestured to the stairway door. Apparently, she wasn’t about to be dissuaded from her chat with him.
“Later,” Sam called, and trudged off.
Theo watched them go, trying to quell an uneasy feeling that bubbled up higher and larger than he liked. He couldn’t talk to Selena now, but maybe in a little while they’d have a minute together.
Instead of worrying about something he couldn’t do anything about for now, he snagged a spoonful of eggs and turned to the computer. Now that he knew the truth about Blizek, he had to dig into the system and find all of the data Brad had been hiding. He wondered if there were any other clues in his video message, along with the mention of Truth.
Lou. I could really use you!
His brother’s response came back almost immediately, filled with hubris. Knew you couldn’t handle things without me. I’m close, brother.
Theo smiled and sent back a fuck you. Then a hurry your ass up. He opened his mind and felt Lou’s direction, and agreed that he was indeed close. Maybe tomorrow. Sure you don’t want me to come get you?
The fuck you came back just as swiftly as Theo had sent his, and he chuckled, returning to the computer puzzle at hand. Definitely, two brains would be better than one. Theo might be the better hacker, in general, but Lou was smarter about other things . . . not that Theo would admit it to him.
He sat and worked some more at it, focusing on the problem of getting even deeper into the annals of the computer system, then decided to take a break and play some pinball. He’d rebooted the Star Trek game the other day, and it had worked fine, although the ball shooter had stuck a few times. Today, in deference to his dream, he plugged in Aragorn and Legolas and waited for the lights to start up after the reboot.
The lights.
Blinking, rapid lights.
A prickling started over him and Theo leaned closer, looking at the game and its bells and bumpers and lights.
What had Selena said? Zombies don’t like blinking lights like that. It seems to confuse them.
And then he had an idea.
***
The minute she saw the circling hawks in the distance, Selena had a bad feeling.
She was still tense and upset from her conversation with Sam earlier today, which had not gone as well as she’d hoped. And now, with his angry words still ringing in her mind, she was bringing a basket of vegetables from Frank’s garden to Yellow Mountain, as well as delivering Robert’s swaddled corpse to Cath, who would cremate the man for his family.
Sam was supposed to be the one doing it but stormed off in the middle of hitching up Thelma and Louise when Selena tried to approach him again, just to smooth things over. He was still not talking to her, and Selena decided she could use a change of scenery. She also thought she might have the chance to speak to Jennifer, if she was in the settlement.
Along with all of that tumult, she was trying not to think about last night for a variety of reasons—the least of which was how good it had felt to waken next to a man who felt so solid and comforting.
Theo had found her later, not long after her conversation with Sam. Just before lunch. Selena had been angry still; angry with Sam for his stubbornness, for his blindness in the face of love, for his unwillingness to talk about consequences—and, if she had to be honest, angry with Theo for stopping her last night, for giving her an excuse to stay inside. And, most of all, she was angry with herself for being so weak. For giving in to momentary pleasure in the face of responsibility, just because it was easier.
So when Theo approached her, seeking her out in the guise of informing her that lunch was ready, she wasn’t in the best frame of mind. But then he said nothing; he merely gathered her into his arms in the storage room and held her.
And the rush of warmth, of comfort, flooded her. When she was in his arms, she felt so good. Home. Safe. As if she had nothing to fear.
“I just want you to be safe,” he said, reading her very thoughts. “Selena. I don’t understand it. I’m trying, but I have to be honest with you—I’m having a hard time comprehending why you put yourself in such danger.”
“It’s not some big deal what I do out there at night,” she said in a rush, her face buried in his male shoulder. Oh God, here I go. It was all going to come out. “It’s not that it’s such a huge secret. I just don’t tell people, I don’t want them to know—because they might misunderstand. People have misunderstood. And it’s—well, it’s hard.”
“I know,” Theo said gently. “Vonnie told me a little about Sivs. And Crossroads.”
Selena nodded. She wasn’t surprised. “Vonnie knows more than anyone else, and she tries—but she doesn’t really understand either. No one does. They can’t see what I see, and really comprehend it, here.” She pulled away and touched her heart so he could see. “When I help them die, when I touch the zombies and touch my crystal, I feel like—no, I know—that I’m saving them. They were human once, like you and me. And when I touch them, somehow I know that they’re released. They can die in peace.”
“They were human, a long time ago. But they aren’t any longer,” Theo said. His voice was quiet but firm. “I know that you don’t want to see anyone or anything hurt or tortured, and that you only want kind deaths for them. I can�
�t understand that viewpoint, because I’ve seen enough of the damage they do. I’ve seen the bodies, the skin and bones and what’s left after. There’s nothing commendable or redeemable about a zombie, to me. But,” he said firmly when she opened her mouth to speak, “I respect you and what you believe. And so I want to help you. Because I can’t believe you want to risk your life like that, over and over.”
“I don’t want to, but I have to.” Tears gathered at the corners of her eyes, and Selena tightened her fingers on his shoulders. “I can’t not help them. Even if I can’t save every single one of them, it’s my responsibility to help as many as I can. Talk about asking why! I ask myself every day why I have to be the one. Why I was found with that damned crystal. Why me?”
“Ask yourself,” Theo said, reaching up to touch her hand, “what would happen if you didn’t. If you stayed inside, safe, and remained a mother to your son, a daughter to Vonnie, and a guiding angel to those who come to the Death Lady to help them die with dignity, and in peace. Would that be so bad?”
She was shaking her head, even as a soft flower of wondering opened inside her. Was he right? The tears burned her eyes and she blinked them away. I don’t know.
“The zombies are already dead. Beyond help. They don’t even know what they’re doing. But what if something happened to you?”
I don’t know.
I don’t know.
She didn’t come to lunch; she wasn’t hungry. There was too much . . . too much to think about. His words, so compelling and his arguments so believable. His concern for her was so genuine.
Was he right? Was risking herself worse in the long run?
And shortly after ending their conversation, feeling brittle and confused, Selena had accepted the chance to run the errand to Yellow Mountain. It would be an opportunity for her to get away. To think.
To have some time to herself, away from the demands of mother, daughter, caregiver, lover.
But when she caught sight of the spiraling and diving hawks not far from the roadway, her insides began to churn.
