Now she was in a position where she had to think about it, had to think about whether being a part of her family would be what was best for Levi.
“Mama, wook!” She probably heard those words a hundred times a day now. And at least fifty of them, she corrected him. Mama J.
What would it be like to actually be Levi’s mama?
This thought seemed premature in a lot of ways, but what about Ash? If their relationship continued to progress, how would he feel about being an instant parent?
It was a lot to think about.
And they had to go see some little pigs.
Chapter Fourteen
Mr. Haney, in his signature overalls, greeted them at the car with a smile lighting up his kind gray eyes. Ash had a special place in his heart for Mr. Haney, ever since he was a kid. Mr. H had come to visit him once a week when he was sick, bringing a loaf of fresh-baked bread from Mrs. H and farm fresh butter.
Often, in those days, Mr. Haney would show up on Ash’s doorstep with a kitten or a puppy or a boxful of chicks. Anything to take a young boy’s mind off cancer. There was nothing sophisticated about Harvey Haney, but there was an easy acceptance and that had meant the world to a sick little boy.
“Well, if it ain’t the town doctor. Haven’t seen you in a while. You been busy with this measles outbreak, I guess.”
“Yes, sir.” Ash unbuckled Levi and picked him up from his car seat. “It’s starting to wind down now.”
“Nothing new in the world, is there? I remember being a child and the measles breaking out. Polio, too. Always in the summer months. My mother wouldn’t let us out of her sight. Had to swim in our old lukewarm pond instead of going to the creek like everyone else.”
Ash nodded. “My grandmother would talk about that. It was a scary time.”
Jordan hugged Mr. Haney as she came around the car. “We’ve been so excited about coming to see the piglets and our favorite farmer.”
“Now then, we’re glad that Levi could come out and see Pappy’s new pigs.” Mr. Haney held out his hands and Levi dove into the old man’s arms. “Mary Pat’s got some lemonade on the patio for you two grown-ups. Levi and Pappy are going for a little walk.”
Ash smiled, watching the three-year-old bounce in Mr. Haney’s arms as they walked away, knowing from experience that Mr. Haney would talk to Levi about the cows and pigs and plants on the farm, patiently telling him the names of each one.
As Ash and Jordan walked around to the backyard, they were greeted by an enthusiastic cocker spaniel.
Mr. Haney’s daughter Mary Pat, a blonde with a heart of gold, bustled toward them. “Bristow, get down. I swear that dog would jump up and lick your face if he could. Ash, are things settling down for you at all?”
“Yes, thanks. We haven’t had any new cases of measles in the last week, so hopefully we’re getting close to being in the clear. How’s my prom date doing?” He wrapped his arms around the youngest Haney daughter. He and M.P. had dated for about five minutes their junior year before they both realized that being friends was a lot more fun.
“Life is good. Helping out around the farm is keeping me and the kids busy. We can’t keep up with Dad, though, now that he’s back on his feet.” She smiled, and now when she did, there was a light in her eyes. When she’d first moved back to Red Hill Springs to care for her ailing father, she’d just been through a divorce and her eyes were decidedly world-weary.
“No one could ever keep up with Mr. H.” Ash grinned and lounged in one of the deck chairs, Jordan settling beside him.
“No, and we have the piglets in the barn and new puppies in the laundry room. Bristow here is a proud daddy—okay, more like a confused, indifferent daddy, but still. The puppies are cute.”
Jordan glanced toward the barn where Mr. Haney had disappeared with Levi.
“He’ll be fine,” M.P. said. “Daddy’s been hauling kids all over this land for years. He has a knack.”
“I’ve seen it in action.” Jordan sat in the chair across the table from Ash. Mary Pat put a frosty glass of lemonade and a small plate of banana bread in front of each of them.
Ash picked his glass up and drank with a long, smooth gulp. He reached for Jordan’s hand. “Levi’s fine. He’s over being sick and he’s doing great.”
Jordan squeezed his fingers. “I know. I never thought I’d be one of those moms, but when he got so sick, I don’t know. It just happened.”
M.P. looked between their hands and Ash’s face. His cheeks got warm, but he didn’t let go of Jordan’s hand, tossing a piece of banana bread back with his other hand.
She caught Ash’s gaze with a raised eyebrow. “I know how that is. Ross crashed his bike and broke his elbow last summer. I was paranoid for months.”
Ash took another drink of lemonade. He was so thirsty. The weather was unusually hot, or at least it seemed that way. Was it his blood sugar? He should probably test.
Jordan glanced up at him and back at Mary Pat. “When do you start your clinicals?”
“I finish my course work as soon as I take finals and I’ll start at the hospital the next week. I can’t wait. It’s taken me forever to finish school.”
“I know your kids will be so proud of you. And your dad.”
M.P. smiled. “Yeah, and I’ll feel better once I’m contributing to the household finances. It’s been hard—I feel like I’m always taking, even though it is from my own family.”
“I felt that way when I moved here after Claire. She was all established and had made friends. It just takes some time, I think. This banana bread is delicious, Mary Pat.”
Ash leaned his head back against the chair. He was so sleepy sitting in the sun. He could hear the hum of conversation from the women and just let himself drift.
Jordan shook his shoulder. Her voice sounded as if it came from a long way away. “Ash! Wake up!”
He opened his eyes and tried to focus on her face. She was blurry and his fuzzy brain realized that he was hyperglycemic. “I need to test.”
Digging his PDM out of his pocket, he roused himself enough to prick his finger. His blood glucose level was three-twenty after having banana bread and lemonade. Duh. No wonder he felt so sick and sleepy. He forced himself to focus on the screen, programming a bolus of insulin with clumsy fingers. His tongue felt thick in his mouth.
Jordan stayed at his side, talking to him, making jokes, anything to keep him awake. He heard the lower rumble of Mr. Haney’s voice, but kept his eyes on Jordan’s. His average blue to her brilliant. They weren’t even just blue. Bright blue around deep green with brown flecks.
He smiled at her. She was really so pretty. He would kiss her if he didn’t feel so lousy.
His thoughts sharpened and he realized his fast-acting insulin was kicking in. He’d nearly made a very serious mistake, one he hadn’t made in a long time, because he’d let himself get distracted. It happened—part of life as a diabetic—but forgetting for a minute that he had a life-threatening disease could very literally threaten his life, and he was usually more careful.
He sat up in the chair and drank from the glass of water Mary Pat pushed into his hands. “I’m fine, guys. Thanks.”
Concern still lingered in Jordan’s eyes. “Do you want to go?”
Mr. Haney held a hand out to Ash, hauling him to his feet, and looking him over. “You’re looking a bit peaky, yet.”
“No. I’m good now. I promise,” he said to the still skeptical Jordan. “Besides, we haven’t seen the piglets, yet.”
Mr. Haney clapped his hands together. “Let’s go, then. We’re bottle-feeding this lot since the sow refused to nurse them. It’s gonna get messy.”
* * *
Jordan watched Ash as they played with the little pigs. He did seem to be fine, if still a little pale.
He
held a little pink pig with brown spots and fed it a bottle. The baby dribbled more than he drank. Luckily, M.P. kept a load of old towels washed and in the barn for this purpose. Jordan handed one to Ash, who tucked it under the piglet’s neck, like he would a baby.
The tiny pigs were no bigger than the length of her arm and were the cutest things she had ever seen, especially the way they played with Levi. One little guy in particular would trot up to the toddler, who was sitting cross-legged next to Jordan, put his teeny hooves on Levi’s chest and sniff his face. Levi would belly laugh, the piglet would run back to his sisters and brothers and the whole thing would start over again.
“I believe that little pig needs a new home at Red Hill Farm.” Mr. Haney’s deep chuckle tickled Jordan.
She laughed. “It’s tempting, but I think we have enough of a menagerie as it is. The goats alone are about to make me lose my hair.”
“All right, then. You put those little ’uns back in their stall when they’re finished eating. I’m gonna take Levi down to the pond and feed the fish. No getting bored around here, young man. There’s always something that needs doing.” Mr. Haney stood and held his hands out to Levi, who immediately reached for his new best buddy.
“Yes, sir, I know how it is.” Jordan picked up another piglet, this one solid black. It squealed and she almost dropped it, but she stuck the bottle in its mouth and it eagerly attacked the food. The barn was dim, dust swirling in the light streaming through cracks and crevices in the old building.
This barn, like her own, smelled like fresh hay, animals and a hint of freshly oiled leather.
Ash had a damp washcloth that Mr. Haney had used to wipe the piglets off after they ate and he was gently cleaning up the pigs they had just fed. He glanced up to catch her watching him and sighed.
“I’m sorry about before,” he said softly.
“What? No, it’s fine. I mean, not fine because I’m sorry it happened, but I’m not freaked out or anything. Maybe worried, a little, that it might happen to you when no one is around.”
He didn’t look at her and she worried that she’d said the wrong thing, but then he met her eyes, seeking her understanding. “I have good control using the continuous glucose monitor and insulin pump, but there are times that everything goes wrong. Sometimes the insulin pump isn’t placed right or my body is just particularly resistant to the insulin. There’s nothing I can do about that. But usually if there’s a problem, it’s because of user error. Today I forgot to program a bolus of insulin before eating Mary Pat’s banana bread and drinking lemonade.”
He shrugged, frustration evident on his face. “I guess I get to feeling like a normal person who does normal person things and I don’t want to stop to be a diabetic again, even though I know I have to do things a certain way.”
“I can understand that.” She took the washcloth out of his hand and wiped the chin of the black piglet.
“It wasn’t a conscious decision, but I’ll be more careful. I really am sorry.”
She released the piglet she was holding into the stall Mr. Haney had prepared for them and sat down on the barn floor face-to-face with Ash, their knees touching. “You don’t have to explain to me unless you want to. I know you have the pump and the monitor and I’m grateful to them for helping keep you alive, so that I can know what an incredible person you are. I don’t care—at all—that you’re a diabetic. I just want you to be safe.”
He took a deep breath, his shoulders relaxing a little bit. “Okay. If you say so.”
She leaned forward, pressing a kiss to his lips, laughing at his surprised expression. “Stop worrying. If you’re good, I’m good. Come on, let’s go. I want to take pictures of Levi down by the pond.”
She followed him out of the barn and tried to ignore the way her heart filled up with happiness when his hand slid into hers.
* * *
Ash lifted a very sleepy Levi from his car seat. “I’ve never seen a nonmobile kid get this dirty.”
“Might’ve had something to do with the fact that Mr. Haney let him play with a bucket full of fishing worms.” She slung the diaper bag over her shoulder. “Not enough wipes in the world for that.”
With Levi on his hip, Ash followed Jordan around the pond, falling into step beside her. “If you’re wondering what that sound is, my shoes are squishing.”
“I told you not to dress up.”
He spread his free hand and looked at her like she was crazy. “My shirt’s untucked?”
She laughed. “Yeah, wow. I don’t know how I missed that obvious sign.”
“This is the third pair of shoes I’ve ruined this month.”
She tried not to laugh; he could tell by the way the dimple deepened in the corner of her mouth. In the end, though, she couldn’t keep the laugh from slipping out.
He entertained Levi as Jordan gave the dirty toddler a quick bath in her farmhouse sink and dressed him in soft short pajamas.
She lifted Levi into her arms. “Want to go sit outside? It’s too nice a night for us to be cooped up inside.”
When Ash nodded, she grabbed a quilt from a rack by the door and laid it in the grass by the pond. Levi had a little second wind from his bath but played quietly with his cars beside them on the quilt.
Claire and Joe’s younger kids were on the play set in their backyard, and the sound of kids laughing and playing carried in the soft evening air. It was peaceful—the pond reflecting the sky, the animals blowing and shuffling—one of those summer nights that just seemed to stretch. Ash took a deep breath, just because he could.
“Hey, look,” Jordan whispered.
When Ash glanced over, Levi’s eyes were dipping closed. He smiled. “Piglets and worms wear a guy out. Hey, I forgot to ask how things went with the caseworker?”
“It was good. I always get nervous, but it was fine.” She paused. “Reesa said that Levi’s mother talked to her about relinquishing her parental rights.”
“Wow. That’s quite a development.”
“Yeah, it really is. I’m trying not to get my hopes up.” She didn’t look at him, but he could see the tension in her face.
“What are you thinking?”
She stared across the pond, her voice almost a whisper. “I don’t want him to ever feel unwanted or unloved. It kills me to think about him going to someone else after everything he’s been through. I just don’t know if I’m the best person to give him what he needs.”
“Jordan, I’m a cancer survivor and an insulin-dependent diabetic. You saw what happened today. I’m the definition of relationship risk. Watching you be a mother to Levi has shown me that the best attribute for a relationship is not perfection, it’s love. And, babe, you’ve got the love part down.”
She looked away and for a long minute he was afraid he’d said something wrong, until she turned around, scrubbing tears off her face. She flipped onto her stomach so her face was even with his. He reached up and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, taking the opportunity to slide his fingers down her cheek.
When her eyes widened, Ash leaned closer, letting his lips hover over hers.
“Why do you second-guess yourself?” he murmured. “You amaze me every single day, Jordan. The way your mind works, the way your heart is always big enough for whatever comes your way.”
Her lips trembled and he caught them in a kiss.
“It’s probably a good thing we have an audience. You make me feel things that I never imagined I would, Jordan.” Ash paused. “You make me feel brave, like I can do anything.”
“You can.”
“You can, too.” He locked his gaze with hers. “I love you, Jordan.”
The words came of their own volition, out of the feelings she stirred in him. He was so close he could hear her breath quicken. Tears slid down her cheeks again and he rubbed them away w
ith his thumb.
She cupped his cheek with her hand and let her lips roam over his face, the tender kisses nearly undoing him.
Her gaze met his, the vulnerability still in her eyes. “I need to get Levi in bed. Tomorrow is Sunday and it’s always crazy. Will you be here for Sunday lunch?”
“Unless something comes up. I’m on call this weekend.”
“Okay. Monday we start prepping for the horse show. My clients are so excited to show off their skills for their parents and friends.”
“I gotta head home, too.” Ash got to his feet and held his hand out for her. She slid her fingers into his and he lifted her to her feet, wondering if maybe he had spoken too soon.
He held her hand in both of his. Strong and sturdy, nails clipped short, her hands were working hands. He loved them; he loved her.
And really, he just wondered why it had taken him so long to realize it.
Chapter Fifteen
Jordan stood in the back of the church with Levi on her hip. He wasn’t super-pumped about being in the service, but when she’d tried to put him in the nursery, he’d had an epic meltdown.
The nursery worker had given her a disbelieving look when she’d pulled him close and said they would try again next week. The children’s minister had patted Levi on the back and told Jordan that all kids went through separation anxiety.
Jordan had held her tongue when what she wanted to do was haughtily inform the children’s minister that all children hadn’t suffered severe trauma and abuse and some of them needed time, sometimes a lot of time, to learn that their caregiver could be trusted.
She rubbed Levi’s little back as she swayed. He was finally relaxing the death grip he’d had on her neck. She sighed. It wasn’t the nursery worker’s fault and it wasn’t the children’s minister’s fault. For most people, the idea of a child being genuinely afraid his caregiver wouldn’t come back for him wasn’t a real thing. In Levi’s world, it was. And so, Jordan held her tongue and stood between him and the world that was so anxious for him to grow up and act normal.
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