In some weird way, she had chosen him, seen something in him that most people didn’t bother to look for—the tender part of him that he liked to pretend wasn’t there.
She seemed to think that she was the only one risking her heart. Did she not realize his heart was every bit as much in her hands as hers was in his?
Chapter Sixteen
A week later Jordan plopped into the red vinyl booth at the Hilltop Café across from Levi’s caseworker. “I’m exhausted. Our first annual horse show is in two weeks and I’m losing my mind. My to-do list is about seven miles long.”
Ash’s mom, Bertie, slid a mug of coffee onto the table in front of Jordan. “Blueberry pancakes?”
“Yes, ma’am. Reesa?” Meeting for breakfast had been the caseworker’s idea, and the tiny part of Jordan’s mind that wasn’t occupied with her to-do list was dying for information.
“Just coffee in a to-go cup, please.” Reesa looked down at her phone as she dashed out a text before setting it down on the table again.
Jordan raised one eyebrow. “You’re going to regret not ordering food and let me just say that when you do, you will have to get your own pancakes.”
Reesa laughed, checking her phone again as it buzzed. “I wish I had time for pancakes. I have another appointment in a few minutes.”
A waitress came by with a to-go cup and filled it with coffee for Reesa, leaving a few small containers of half-and-half on the table.
The caseworker opened the half-and-half, poured it into her coffee and took a sip. “Oh, that’s better. Okay, are you ready for some good news? Both biological parents have signed forms to relinquish their parental rights, so if you want to adopt Levi, it can probably be done within about eight weeks.”
Jordan couldn’t speak. Her heart in her throat was about to choke her. So many feelings. Relief mingled with grief for the loss Levi suffered, almost instantly followed by the fear that she wasn’t...enough. Good enough, strong enough, wise enough, to be Levi’s mother.
On the table, Reesa’s phone buzzed again. She looked at the readout and sighed. “I’ve got to go. One of my teenagers is in crisis and it looks like we’re going to have to get her into a residential treatment program today.”
Reesa snapped the lid onto her coffee cup and slid closer to the edge of her seat. “Think about what you want to do and let me know by Friday. We have families who are adopt-only, but we’d want to move Levi as soon as possible if that’s the way we’re going to go.”
She slid out of the booth, her phone already buzzing in her hand again. “I’ll touch base with you soon.”
The idea of them moving Levi made Jordan physically sick, so much so that when Bertie placed the plate of pancakes in front of her, still steaming from the griddle, she knew she couldn’t eat them.
Bertie slid into the spot Reesa had just vacated, setting down her coffeepot on the table. “Jordan, honey, what’s going on? All the color drained from your face.”
“Reesa is Levi’s caseworker. She asked me if I’d consider adopting him. Both of his biological parents surrendered their rights.”
“That’s wonderful!” Bertie stopped and studied Jordan’s face again. “Right?”
“It is. I mean, it will be so great for him to have a permanent home and family. I just hope I’m the right person to give him the stability he needs.”
She’d gone into being a foster parent with blinders on, with a heart full of love for kids who needed it and a desire to change the world for the better. She knew it would hurt and it would be hard, but she could handle it.
She’d almost had herself convinced, but each time one of the kids left Red Hill Farm, they took a part of her heart with them.
Jordan knew that if she chose to adopt Levi, she couldn’t go into adoption with blinders on. Adoption was forever. For her and for Levi it was a decision that couldn’t be undone. She couldn’t raise the white flag when she reached the end of her abilities.
“What’s the alternative if you decide not to adopt?” Bertie’s voice was calm and she asked a reasonable question that made Jordan’s heart quake in her chest.
“They would move him to an adoptive home as soon as possible.” Tears formed in her eyes as she said the words.
“Oh, honey. What worries you about adopting Levi? What’s giving you second thoughts?”
“I’d be a single mom to a child with multiple special needs, some that we don’t even know about right now.” Her throat clamped down on the words. “What if I can’t do it?”
“I have some experience at having a child with special needs. There’s no love like the love of a mother for her child and when your child is sick, it requires more of you than anything you can imagine, but every day, it’s worth it. There’s no greater joy than seeing your child thrive and succeed despite the obstacles they face.”
“You’re talking about Ash.”
Bertie’s blue eyes, so much like her son’s, searched Jordan’s face. “Yes. He told you?”
“Yes. He’s—We’ve—He’s really special to me, Bertie.” She swallowed hard over what seemed like a permanent lump in her throat. “When I make the decision to adopt, I’m not just making the decision for me. It’s a decision that affects my whole family and...everyone in my life.”
“Including Ash?”
“Yes, I think so. I hope so. Oh, Bertie, I don’t know.”
Bertie put her hand over Jordan’s and squeezed. “Being with Ash through all the health issues he had was one of the greatest honors of my life. It’s scary and it’s sad and it’s heartbreaking, but I wouldn’t trade being his mother for anything under the sun.”
“I love Levi that much.” She remembered Ash’s words to her that relationships are not about perfection, they’re about love.
“I can see that. You love him enough that you’re willing to let him go if you think that’s the best thing for him. That sounds like a mother’s love to me, Jordan.”
Bertie got out of the booth and came around to her side, wrapping her arms around Jordan. “Sweet Jordan, you don’t have to worry. There’s enough love in your heart to do whatever you want to do.”
“Thanks, Bertie.” She left money on the table for her meal, grabbed her bag and left. When she got outside, she stood on the sidewalk for a minute as if she couldn’t remember why she was there and what to do next.
Ash’s office—the crisp white brick, black shutters and bright red door—was right across the street. Despite every bit of craziness, these past few months had been some of the happiest she’d ever had and it was because of Ash and Levi. Ash had her heart, probably from the first time she saw him.
Jordan walked to the truck and sat in it, staring blindly out the window. She’d fought so hard not to feel anything for Ash, but every time she got to know him better a little piece of her heart and that wall she’d built around it crumbled.
She didn’t want to live life without him but she also didn’t want to make a decision for him that could—would—affect the rest of his life. Bertie had said that Jordan loved Levi enough to let him go if that was the best thing for him.
Did she love Ash enough that she would let him go if she thought it was the best thing for him? His childhood memories were still painful to him—memories of the hospital, of medical treatments and interventions. Would asking him to be a father to Levi be asking too much?
The idea of breaking things off with him felt like she was ripping her heart out with her bare hands, but...she did love him that much. She didn’t want to tie him down to a life he didn’t choose. And she was afraid, so afraid, that if she did, he would never forgive her.
* * *
Ash had a firm grip on Jordan’s hand as they wound their way through the woods. He’d found her in the barn, hot and cranky, spitting mad at the goats, who had chewed a hole in
the fence and gotten into the feed room in the barn. Luckily she found them before they ate enough to make them sick.
“Where are we going? Ash, I really don’t have time to be wandering the forest—” she shot a look at him “—potentially lost for hours.”
He laughed and pulled her deeper into the woods, where the trees were closer together. It was cooler here, the underbrush deep, but there was a trail and he knew where it led.
Jordan stopped talking and just followed his steps, her hand still gripped tightly in his.
“We used to play down here when I was a kid. I knew these woods better than I knew my own bedroom. My best friend Latham grew up on the property next to Red Hill Farm. If you haven’t met him yet, you will.” As he got deeper in the woods, his heart felt lighter, as if the years had been stripped away and he was a ten-year-old boy again, adventuring.
Jordan was quiet, much quieter than she normally was. She was stressed. He understood. All of the things that had been put on hold when Levi came to live with her pushed her further behind when they both got sick. The horse show with her clients was a big deal.
But this little side trip was stress relief. Ahead of them, he could see sunlight streaming through the trees and knew they were in the right place.
Thirty seconds later they broke through the tree line into a little pine straw-covered clearing. In the center was a small clear pool of water, about six feet across, but the best part about this little spot was the bubbling spring just above.
“What is this place?”
“It’s a spring, like Red Hill Spring. This one is smaller and the yield is lower but it’s private.”
“It’s beautiful.”
The water was clear down to the rocks below. The bubbling of the creek sounded like music. He led Jordan to an overhang, slipped out of his loafers and sat.
She stood behind him, obviously reluctant.
“Sit down with me for a minute. Find your center and breathe a little and you’ll be ready to go when you get back.”
He’d never seen her so distracted. She took off her boots. One at a time they clunked onto the hard ground. When she rolled up her jeans, he knew he had her. Jordan dropped her feet into the water with a long, “Oh.”
“Yeah, it’s pretty great. Ice-cold, all year round, even in the middle of the summer. When I was a kid, Latham and I found some arrowheads not too far from here. Can you imagine Native Americans coming here to fill their jugs? We played like we were Native Americans for months.”
She stared into the water. He didn’t think she even heard him.
“What’s going on, Jordan?”
“I talked to Reesa this morning. She said both parents signed the forms to relinquish their parental rights and if I want to adopt Levi, I need to let them know. Things will go fast now, like eight weeks, maybe.”
He blinked, letting the words sink in. “So she was able to get the dad to sign, too.”
“Apparently.” Jordan looked into the clear, cold water. He wanted her to look at him.
“But that’s amazing news!” He laughed, thinking about Levi being a part of their family for good, before he realized Jordan wasn’t laughing, or smiling. “What’s wrong?”
In response, she pulled her feet out of the water and rolled her socks back on, ignoring the fact that her feet were wet.
“Jordan?” She was scaring him.
She shoved her feet into her boots. “I thought a lot about whether I would be the best person to adopt Levi. I’m sure there are people out there more qualified to be a parent than I am, who could give him a better life. But the truth is, I’m the first mom he had who sat up with him through the night when he was scared, who gave him medicine when he was sick. I’m the one he’s attached to. I’m the one he trusts.”
“You’re a great mom, Jordan. I see moms all the time and I would know.” How could she not see how amazing she was with Levi?
“I can make the decision to parent Levi. I love him and whatever happens, I know I will still love him. I’m willing to take the risk on all the rest of it. But I can’t make that decision for anyone else. That’s just not fair. It’s too much to ask.”
She had him at such a disadvantage and he was achingly aware that while he had told her exactly how he felt about her, she hadn’t returned the favor. He stood, and when he spoke, his voice was as cold as the spring water. “I don’t think I know what you mean, Jordan.”
“This—us—it was a stupid idea, anyway. Just look at us. I’m jeans and flannel. You’re khaki and oxford cloth. I’m boots and trucks and you’re loafers and a Lexus. I’m ball cap and braids and you wear bow ties. How mismatched can two people be?”
He stood there in his bare feet on the bank of the spring, his khakis rolled up around his ankles. “You’re looking at this the wrong way, Jordan. You’re looking with your eyes and your mind. You have to look with your heart.”
“I’m looking at you. I’m not willing to take a gamble with your life. That’s not my decision to make. And I’m scared, Ash.” Her voice broke.
He slid his fingers down her arm, curving them around her wrist, taking a moment to really look at her. Her nostrils were flared, her pulse racing, full-out panic.
Ash took a step toward her, willing her to see how he felt. “You fight for love every day, Jordan. It’s what you do. What you live for. You fight for Levi. Please...fight for us.”
Her throat worked. She whispered, “I’m just not sure I can.”
When she walked away this time, he let her go.
Somehow she’d convinced herself that she was doing this for him, that she was letting him go for his own good. She was overwhelmed right now, with work and responsibility, and she’d flat-out admitted she was scared.
The anger slowly drained out of him, just leaving sadness behind.
She’d had the idea at one time that he was a real ladies’ man. Maybe he had been if that meant he went out with a lot of different people and didn’t settle down. He thought that she’d gotten beyond that idea, but maybe she was afraid that if things got hard, he wouldn’t stick, that he’d always be looking for the next best thing.
He loved Jordan, wanted her and Levi in his life, no matter what. But if she didn’t believe it, where did he go from here? How could he show her that they were worth a fight?
* * *
Jordan put Levi to bed and went into the kitchen for a glass of iced tea. She was sad. And tired. And broken.
The front door cracked open. Claire stuck her head in and, once she got a look at Jordan’s face, brought the rest of herself into the small cottage. She had a pint of rocky road and two spoons in her hand.
Jordan didn’t smile. “I’m not really in the mood for ice cream.”
“What? This is more serious than I thought. What’s going on? I brought ice cream because you’ve been working so hard and you deserve a break.” She set the ice cream on the island and turned toward Jordan. “What’s wrong?”
“I found out that Levi is going to be free for adoption. They want me to adopt him.”
Claire’s eyes clouded with confusion. “Okay...?”
“And I broke up with Ash.” Her breath hitched as she said it.
“Oh, Jordan. I’m so sorry. What happened?”
Jordan snapped the top off the ice cream and stabbed it with a spoon. “It’s complicated.”
“Complicated like he cheated and you wanted to kill him but you can’t go to jail because you have a kid now, so instead you just broke up with him?” Claire brandished the spoon like a sword.
Jordan stared at her sister. “No. Where do you even come up with this stuff?”
Claire dug her spoon into the ice cream and took a bite. “If you would spill, I wouldn’t have to use my imagination. Just tell me if I need to beat him up. I would do it.�
�
“I know you would. I love that about you.” The smile on Jordan’s face was fleeting. “I made the decision to adopt Levi. But I can’t make that decision for someone else. It’s not fair. We don’t know what level of care Levi is going to require.”
“It’s scary. I know it is. None of the kids we’re raising have normal reactions to anything. I don’t think Ash would be scared by this, though.” Claire dug around in the ice cream for the chocolate-covered almonds.
“He wasn’t upset. He was mad.” Jordan put the spoon down. “He’s got a right to be. I didn’t handle it well.”
“Did you ask him if he still wants to be in a relationship if you adopt Levi?”
“No. I didn’t want to pressure him. That wouldn’t prove anything.”
“Maybe not, but I don’t think a conversation would hu—” Her sister got a look at Jordan’s face and stopped midsentence. “I’m sure you’re right.”
“I wouldn’t trade being Levi’s mom for anything. I love that little boy so much. He had no choice about who his parents were, or being abused, but I have the choice to stand for him from here on out.”
“Yes, of course. But?” Her sister’s hand automatically went to her belly.
“I’m in love with Ash.” Jordan’s eyes filled with tears and she closed her eyes and sniffed. “I didn’t plan it. It just happened.”
“Oh, Jordan.” Claire’s eyes went wide. “Did you tell him?”
“No. He said it to me, but I didn’t—couldn’t—say it back. I’m so stupid.”
Claire wrapped her arms around Jordan’s neck, like she used to when they were little. “A little bit. But we’ll figure out something.”
Jordan didn’t know how they could possibly fix this. She was stuck between two things she wanted desperately and couldn’t see any way to have one without giving up the other.
Chapter Seventeen
“Our first group of riders are the youngest equestrians at Triple H.” Jordan’s voice carried from the rented speakers to the crowd of parents and grandparents. Multicolored bunting hung from the eaves of the barn, fluttering in the wind. The horses—and the ring—were groomed to perfection.
A Baby for the Doctor Page 16
