by Ivy Smoak
“I wrote my vows to her a few weeks ago. Before…this.” I looked over at the coffin again. How could she be dead? How was this happening? I took a deep breath and pulled out the folded up piece of paper in my pocket. I stared down at the words that I’d planned to say to her on our wedding day.
“I don’t know anything better to say than how I feel about her.” The words started to blur in front of me, but I knew them by heart anyway. “Brooklyn. When I first met you, you thought you were invisible. But I always saw you. The first thing I loved about you was how your eyes lit up whenever you saw me. Like I was the only one that could make you happy.”
Happy? Fuck. I destroyed her. I wiped the tears out of my eyes. I had to get through this. I had to let her know.
“But you were the one making me happy. You were a breath of fresh air in this city. I was infatuated with you before we ever spoke. And I fell harder for you every single day since you first let me in. And I know that I’ll keep falling harder every day from here.”
I dropped my head. “I know you’re scared of time. But I’m giving you all of mine. Every second. I’ll cherish you, Brooklyn. I’ll keep you safe.” I choked on my words.
“I know that we’re young. But you’ve taught me that the one thing in this life we can’t waste is time.” I shook my head. “Baby, I can’t imagine my life without you. I’d be lost if we weren’t together. I’m only happy when I know that you’re happy too. And it took me being an idiot, but I know for a fact that I’m only really living when we’re together. And I don’t want to go another day without you by my side.”
I took a deep breath. “I promised to be all your firsts. First kiss. First love. First husband.” When I’d written these vows, I could picture her smiling at that. An inside joke that not one damn person would understand but her. And she wasn’t fucking here to laugh with me. “And there are so many more firsts we’ll get to experience together. First child…” my voice cracked. I couldn’t read this part. I couldn’t make myself think about all the firsts that had been ripped away from us. I wiped my face and skipped to the last paragraph.
“Brooklyn Sanders. Or Pruitt. It doesn’t matter what your last name was. Because you’re a Caldwell now. My wife.” I tried to steady my voice, but it was impossible. “My home. My heart. My best friend. And the love of my life. I promised you that I’ve only ever loved you. And that I will only ever love you. And I’m standing here today, doubling down on that promise, baby. Because I will love you and only you until the day I die.”
I promise. I walked down from the altar and past the pew where my family was sitting.
I heard my mom call my name, but I kept walking. No one could say anything to fix this. And I couldn’t sit here and listen to any more speeches about how much other people would miss Brooklyn. Because they wouldn’t miss her like I would. They didn’t love her like I did. I was all she had. She’d told me that. I was supposed to be her rock. And she’d died thinking I hated her.
I knew what it felt like to not be able to breathe now. Because my lungs fucking hurt every second of every day that Brooklyn wasn’t beside me. It was like the pain was eating me whole. Or maybe it was the regret.
How was I supposed to keep going without her? I couldn’t imagine a world where she was gone. I thought I’d known what the pain of a short life felt like when I’d lost my aunt. But this? It was like a knife twisting in my chest.
I pushed out the doors of the church. The cool autumn breeze rushed past me. And like everything in this world, it reminded me of her. And how she’d told me how she and her mom used to rake leaves and jump in them every fall. I’d never even gotten the chance to do that with her. She couldn’t be gone yet. There was still so much we had to do. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare. How was this the end? I sat down on the front steps and put my face in my hands. How was I supposed to keep going without her?
Someone put their hand on my shoulder.
I looked up to see Mason sitting down beside me. He didn’t offer any words. Because what could he say?
James and Rob joined us a second later.
“Matt?” James said. He stepped in front of me. He wiped the tears off his cheeks and shook his head. “I gotta tell you. Brooklyn didn’t know how far the prank was going to go. I didn’t even know.”
“It was my fault,” Rob said. He wiped a tissue under his nose. “I just thought it would be funny. I wasn’t trying to mess with your relationship, Matt. I swear.”
I nodded. Rob always took jokes too far. He didn’t have to explain that to me, I’d seen plenty of his pranks firsthand.
“And she really was just trying to get us all to be friends again,” James said. “We made a deal. That if she helped us with the prank, we’d try to sort things out with you guys.”
I knew that too. I’d listened to all the missed voicemails. And read all the texts that I’d originally ignored. Brooklyn had explained everything.
I thought about the last voicemail she left me. She’d been crying. And she called me a hypocrite. Her last words to me. You’re a fucking hypocrite.
And mine to her? I’d told her I didn’t believe in her. And called her a liar. And walked out instead of having a conversation with her. I’d left her feeling alone, when being alone was her greatest fear. Having no one that loved her. And time. Time and not having enough of it. It felt like there was a knife in my chest twisting every time I thought about her. Did she die thinking I didn’t love her? Was that the last thing she remembered of me?
“It’s okay,” I said. It wasn’t. I forgave James and Rob for the prank. I did. But what they’d roped Brooklyn into doing had set me off. That prank caused me to say those terrible things to Brooklyn. My last fucking words to her.
So I hated James.
I hated Rob.
But I hated myself the most.
Rob sat down next to me. “I feel awful. I should have told her about the rest of the prank. She was so mad at me. I never meant to upset her. I thought…I don’t know what I thought. Well, I thought she’d think it was funny. But she wasn’t laughing. And I hate that she was mad at me at the end.”
James nodded. “That look on her face after you left, Matt. She was so mad at us. I felt awful. I never meant to hurt her. I really liked her. She was perfect. For you. She was perfect for you. And I’m really sorry that I interfered at all. I never should have flirted with your girl. I’m just…I’m really fucking sorry, Matt.”
I looked down at my shoes. I couldn’t even look at him. I’d been waiting for him to apologize to me. But the wound felt too fresh. He’d flirted with her brazenly right in front of me. Like it was all a game. Nothing felt like a game anymore. “It’s okay,” I finally said. It wasn’t. But I didn’t have the energy to hold a grudge right now. I just needed my friend back.
“I told her not to follow you after the prank,” Mason said. “I was so cold to her.” He grabbed a tissue out of his pocket. “I feel like a dick.”
“You guys have nothing to feel guilty about,” I said. I was the one that was guilty. Not them. She’d relied on me. I was the one that let her down.
“Do you want to talk about it?” James asked.
I shook my head.
“Maybe another time? You guys could come over later. Like old times.” He smiled, but I could tell it was forced. There was no going back to old times now that Brooklyn was gone. And we all knew it.
“I can’t talk about it.” I couldn’t voice what I’d done. My horrible last words to her. Saying it out loud would make it feel more real. I hated that she thought I hated her. I hated that I’d let her down.
They all waited like they thought I’d change my mind.
“I can’t, you guys.”
“Okay,” Rob said. “Then we won’t talk about it.” He put his hand out. “Let’s all promise to never talk about her again. Not until Matt’s ready to.”
“Yeah.” James put his hand on top of Rob’s. “We all fucked up.”
Mason
put his hand on top of James’. “If we hadn’t been fighting, there wouldn’t have been a prank. And we never would have said those things to her.” He shook his head like he felt guilty too.
I just stared at the three of their hands. They could feel bad about how they’d treated her, but they’d never feel as guilty as I did. And maybe they could just turn off a switch and never think of her again, but I couldn’t. I loved her.
“So we won’t talk about her until Matt’s ready?” Rob asked.
Mason nodded.
James looked like he was going to start crying again. “Yeah.”
They all turned to me. Maybe it would help them not to talk about her. But it wouldn’t help me. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to. I just…couldn’t. I couldn’t talk about her without falling apart. I placed my hand on top of theirs anyway though. Because it was what Brooklyn would have wanted. She’d been trying to fix us. This was the first time we’d talked in weeks. She’d want this.
“Friends again?” Rob asked.
I hated them. But I nodded. I’d pretend to be their friend until I could actually be their friend again. Maybe once I could forgive them for making Brooklyn think I hated her before she died. Maybe once I forgave myself.
“Friends on three,” James said with a smile.
I shook my head and threw my hand up when they did. I watched Rob and Mason walk back into the church.
“I really am sorry,” James said. “She was a great girl.”
“I thought we weren’t supposed to talk about her.”
He nodded. “For now. But whenever you’re ready to talk about her again, I’m here.”
I wouldn’t be taking him up on his offer. It wasn’t that I just blamed him in part for the horrible last words I ever spoke to Brooklyn. He’d also robbed time from us. His girlfriend had kissed me. Not the other way around. And I’d tried to keep the secret to protect him. Because I was fucking worried that he’d take his own life. But he was still standing here breathing. And Brooklyn was dead.
I’d wasted weeks of my time with her, keeping her a secret, hurting her feelings…because of my loyalty to him. So he couldn’t fucking stand here and tell me he was here for me. I was the one who had been there for him. Not the other way around. James wasn’t my friend.
“I really am sorry,” he said.
I knew he meant it. And I knew that Brooklyn wanted me to forgive him. Fuck. I took a deep breath. I had to let it go. I knew he was sorry. And honestly? I was sorry too. I was sorry I hadn’t told him right away when Rachel had kissed me. I was sorry that we’d stopped being friends in the first place. Brooklyn was right. I couldn’t just cut him out so easily. James was like a brother to me.
I expected James to walk back into the church with Mason and Rob. Instead, he sat down next to me. Maybe he was the one worried about me now.
I’d forgive him eventually. I knew I would. One day I’d be able to call him my friend and mean it. But that day wasn’t today. It was better that we just sat in silence. It was nice of him to stay though. It made me feel a little less alone. He knew I needed him. And wasn’t that all friendship really was? After all, time was limited. Just like Brooklyn had said. I didn’t want to waste any more of it by fighting with James. And I just really needed my friend back right now.
“She loved you,” James said.
The past tense made the knife in my chest twist again. But they were still somehow the exact words I needed to hear. Brooklyn did love me. And I’d always love her. I just nodded. Because there was nothing else to say.
Chapter 41
Wednesday
Matt
Felix gave me another hug before walking away from the gravesite. I didn’t know exactly when we’d become friends. But Brooklyn, me, Kennedy, and him always hung out. I was glad someone had gotten all his charges dropped. But I didn’t know how to hang out with him and Kennedy without Brooklyn. I didn’t know how to do anything without Brooklyn.
A few more people gave me hugs. And I waited until I was the last one standing by Brooklyn’s grave. Just me and her.
I watched the last black car drive off and then I sat down on top of the fresh dirt. “Hey,” I said into the silence. I wasn’t sure what I was doing. But I wasn’t ready to walk away from this spot just yet. All I could picture was Brooklyn being cold. And scared. And alone. I needed her to know that I was here.
“I love you.” I wouldn’t use the past tense with her. Not now. Not ever. “You know that right? How much I love you, baby?”
I wiped away the tears from my eyes. “You had to have known that.” I shook my head. “You were right about me though. I am a hypocrite. I deserved that.”
I stared down at the dirt. It was like I was waiting for her to say something back. I would have killed to hear her voice again. See her smile. Hear her laugh.
“I’m sorry that I let you down,” I said. “I’m so fucking sorry.” I wiped away the tears that were dripping down my chin.
How was I supposed to let her go? My whole heart was hers. She was the only person that I ever wanted to hold. She was it. She was everything. She’d always be everything to me.
I pulled her ring out of my pocket. I’d meant what I wrote in my vows. She was it for me. I pushed aside some of the dirt with my hands. And I put the ring down and scooped the dirt back into place. I wouldn’t be needing that ring for anyone else. It belonged here with her.
I knew our last words to each other were harsh. But she didn’t stop loving me. I knew that. She loved me. And just because she was dead, it didn’t mean that love just disappeared. She was still all that I thought about. I still woke up reaching out for her. I still turned around expecting her to be there. How was I supposed to ever let go of her? I wasn’t just in denial. I physically couldn’t do it.
I patted the dirt where the ring was. She was all the firsts I’d ever experience. I wouldn’t marry someone that wasn’t her. I wouldn’t have kids with someone else. I wouldn’t grow old with someone other than her. I would never be able to do it. She was gone. But I didn’t want to love anyone else. Ever.
I felt like she was so far away from me. I lay down on the dirt to be even closer to her. “I promised you forever. I meant it, baby.”
I closed my eyes and pretended she really was beside me. If I’d gotten just a few more moments with her, I’d tell her how much I loved her. How sorry I was. I closed my eyes tight. I couldn’t believe the last thing I said to her was that she was a liar. She wasn’t the liar. I was. I’d promised myself I’d make her an Untouchable. And I’d failed.
“Matt?”
I opened my eyes. Kennedy was standing at the foot of Brooklyn’s grave. The sun was starting to set behind her. I must have fallen asleep. I sat up and brushed the dirt off the side of my face. “What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Same as you, I think.” She patted Jim’s tombstone. “Hi, Uncle Jim,” she said, and then sat down beside me. “I needed to talk to her.”
I nodded. The only concession I’d gotten from Mr. Pruitt was that Brooklyn be buried next to her uncle. She wouldn’t have wanted to be in some gaudy Pruitt mausoleum. She belonged here. With someone that loved her. I cleared my throat. “Do you want me to give you a second?”
“No, not really.” Tears started streaming down her cheeks. “Matt, I messed up. The last thing I ever said to her was that I couldn’t even look at her. I told her that her life was like a fairytale. A freaking fairytale? No one I know has ever experienced as much pain as she had. Her life wasn’t a fairytale. She thought I hated her. That I thought she was a bad friend.”
“She knew you didn’t mean it.”
“But I still said it. And I ignored all her calls and texts. She died thinking that I hated her. And I can’t stop crying.”
I wrapped my arm around her shoulders. “Me too.”
“You can’t stop crying either?” She tried to laugh, but it came out forced.
“Yeah, that. But we had a fight before she died. I told he
r she was a liar. And that she’d never given me any reason to believe in her. I can’t stop thinking about what I said. I know exactly how you’re feeling.”
Kennedy started crying even harder. “I just want to tell her that I’m sorry. And that she was the best friend I’ve ever had. And I don’t know what I’m going to do without her.”
“Me either.”
We were both silent as we stared down at the ground. I didn’t know what to say to her because I felt the same guilt. But I did know what Kennedy needed to hear. “She knew that we loved her.” She had to have known.
“It’s silly,” said Kennedy, “but I was going to sit here and reminisce with her. Remind myself about all the good times to convince myself that she did know.” She handed me a photo album. “But since you’re here, I think you should have this. It was going to be my wedding present to the two of you.”
I opened it up and saw a picture of Brooklyn smiling at the camera. Page after page of her laughing and smiling…at me. Just the way I remembered. Her whole face was lit up. I smiled when I saw pictures from the homecoming game. Shots of me dancing like a fool and Brooklyn grinning with joy. Pure joy. I’d made her feel that.
“I know it’s a cheap gift,” Kennedy said. “But I…”
“It’s perfect,” I said. I didn’t have any pictures of Brooklyn. And for some reason, it was like her face had started to get blurry in my head. I needed this. “Thank you,” I said.
“This isn’t right.” Kennedy sniffed. “She’d been through so much. And she was finally happy. No one so kind and wonderful should be allowed to only have such little happiness in their whole life. It’s not fair.”
No, it wasn’t. But life wasn’t fair. If it was, Brooklyn’s mom and uncle would still be alive. But if Brooklyn’s mom was still alive, I never would have met Brooklyn. She never would have moved to New York. She’d still be alive.
This city was what killed her. Mr. Pruitt killed her. And there wasn’t a single thing I could do about it. Because Brooklyn’s name was on those papers, signing away her kidney to her sick dad. And Mr. Pruitt owned the cops. And the lawyers. He was the untouchable one. Not me.
