by Green, Vicki
We eat at the kitchen table, the silence deafenin’. I should tell her, she deserves it, but I don’t really understand it all myself. She smiles occasionally, the only sounds in the room is the clankin’ of our forks and our chewin’. I excuse myself after we clean up, sayin’ I’m really tired. The need to relieve myself causes me to take another shower but it’s somethin’ I have to do. I need release, peace, the latter I’m thinkin’ not gonna come for a long time if ever.
Never needed to handle my own release, always had someone to be with, but desperate times call for desperate measures and all that. I step under the hot spray, immediately taking my hard and achin’ cock in my hand. Just a touch and it twitches. My eyes close as I begin to stroke hard and fast, knowin’ it won’t take much to get the much needed release. Prie visualizes in my mind, her small hand takin’ over. “Damn.” I blow out a breath, my balls already startin’ to tighten. I know it’s wrong of me, but how I wish this was real. To see her fully naked in front of me, her innocent eyes, which aren’t as innocent as they appear, starin’ up at me as she runs her hand up and down my achin’ cock. “Fuck!” My release grabs hold of me, bringin’ me what I need. I stand here pantin’, my hand slammin’ against the cool tile. After I can catch my breath, I wash quickly, dryin’ off and puttin’ on my sleep pants then climb into bed. I close my eyes but all I can see is her.
“Hattie. You’re so fuckin’ beautiful. How did I get so lucky?” We’re layin’ in the hayloft, snuggled together. Her lips are swollen from our kissin’. Our breathin’ labored. She’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. There’s no one like her.
“I’m the lucky one, Trevor.”
My smile is huge as I bring her into me closer. Always closer. Never being able to get enough of her. I love her.
“Damn, you feel so good,” I moan as I slam my cock into her tightness. She withers beneath me, the feelin’ of her nails diggin’ into the flesh of my shoulders spurrin’ me on more, drivin’ into her faster, deeper each time. My mouth finds her peaked nipple and I begin to suck like I thirst from bein’ in the desert. “Mmmmm,” releases from my mouth, soundin’ muffled from against her breast. Her legs wrap around me, holdin’ onto my waist tight, and her feet press into my bottom. God, she feels so good. Perfect. I pull my mouth off but with great frustration. Wantin’ more. I replace it with my hand, her breast fillin’ it perfectly. My thumb rubs over her wet nipple, my finger joinin’, pinchin’, tweakin’. Her moan comes out low, deep within her. Sexy. She loves this, wants me as much as I want her. My thrusts begin to get faster, my breathin’ labored from the strain of holdin’ myself up, my body still too weak to really do what I want. What I need. Her legs begin to shake around me. She grips my cock tight as her release hits her hard. Mine follows right after, not able to hold it back or make it last longer. Don’t have my stamina built up yet, tirin’ out too easily.
Wait!
We were so young. We never made love! Never had the chance to grow up together. Be together. I open my eyes when she yells out my name, mine widenin’ when I see this isn’t a dream. Her eyes are closed. The look of complete satisfaction spreads across her face. This can’t have happened. This is so wrong. What have I done?
I climb off her, layin’ down beside her, my hands coverin’ my face. “FUCK!” I yell. I feel her tense up, stiffen. I lay here breathin’ hard, some from the exertion and more from fear. Silence except for our labored breathin’. Dammit! “I’m sorry. God, I’m sorry,” I mumble into my hands afraid to look at her. I can’t bear to see the look in her eyes. The hurt. I know I can’t ignore her, have to own up to what I did, no matter how hard it is. I pull my hands down, my eyes shiftin’ to hers. She’s just lookin’ at me, doesn’t seem upset, angry. She looks – sated. Maybe even a little relieved. “You shouldn’t be in here.” Her mouth turns into a frown, her chin quivers slightly. “I’m always hurtin’ you. Doin’ things I shouldn’t be doin’. I’m not good for you, Prie.”
She looks up at the ceilin’, a tear falls down the side of her face into her hair. “You want me to leave?” she whispers.
I turn over onto my side, raisin’ up on my elbow. I reach over as she turns her head towards me, strokin’ her damp hair from her face. “No, Darlin’. I just don’t want to keep hurtin’ you.” She nods, lookin’ defeated. “You don’t have to leave. I don’t want you to but I also don’t want you to be uncomfortable or do anythin’ to hinder your healin’. I only want what’s best for you, sweetheart.”
She raises her casted arm, her fingers coverin’ my hand on her face. “I’m comfortable with you, Trevor. I know you’d never hurt me intentionally.” Her chin quivers and I feel even worse. She looks down then back up into my eyes. “I don’t want to leave. But I will if you want me to. You didn’t hurt me, Trevor. In fact, I needed that as much as you did. I may have been through a lot in my life, but I am a woman.”
I pull my hand away and wrap my arm around her waist, pullin’ her into me as I kiss her forehead. “I don’t want you to leave, sweetheart. I want you to heal and don’t wanna do anythin’ that will stop any progress you make.” She nods against my chest, her arm movin’ beneath mine and around my back.
“I trust you,” she whispers so faintly I barely hear her.
We hold each other, our bodies still slick with sweat. I begin runnin’ my hand down her hair, soothingly. Soon, I hear her light breathin’. I’m thankful she doesn’t hate me. My fear is that one day she will. I rest my chin on the top of her head, continuin’ my soothin’ motions. “So much pain,” I whisper, closin’ my eyes. “So much heartache.” I blow out a deep breath. “God, please don’t let me hurt her anymore.”
I wake up, my eyes scourin’ my room for Prie. Nowhere to be found. The smell of bacon cookin’ fills my room, my door left wide open. Anxiety fills me thinkin’ about what I did last night. What we did. I was havin’ a dream about Hattie, one of the last times I’d seen her. Ever since Prie had said her last name, flashes of times I’d been with Hattie had overwhelmed me the rest of the day and night. I’d pushed those so far back in my mind, locked away forever, never wantin’ to put myself through that pain again. I was so surprised how easily they came floodin’ back. I rub my hands down my face in frustration. How could I have done that to Prie? Not sayin’ it wasn’t the best sex I think I’ve ever had in my life. Feelin’ her body, tastin’ her, was more than amazin’. But it was wrong. So wrong.
My fist meets the mattress as I slam it down. “Dammit, Trev. Get your shit together,” I murmur as I slam my fist down again. She didn’t deserve that even though she said she wanted it too. How could she after everythin’ she’s been through? I admit, I’ve been horny as hell and she is a woman but…. I beat the mattress again. Not again. Never again. Somehow, I need to keep myself in check when it comes to her. I have to. For my sake as well as hers.
I feel more than rested, my body startin’ to heal. My stomach growlin’ tellin’ me I’m hungry but I must go take a get cleaned up first. I take a quick hot shower, brushin’ my teeth almost as fast. I look around my room, dirty clothes everywhere. Guess I need to do some laundry soon. I find my last clean pair of jeans and the last clean t-shirt I own, put them on and head downstairs. As I get closer to the kitchen, the sweet sound of singin’ reaches my ears. So many things I still don’t know about her. She has a lovely voice. Leanin’ against the door frame, I watch her putter around the kitchen. She’s got her hair pulled up in a ponytail, the long strands flingin’ back and forth as she sways her body to music only she can hear. “Smells like heaven in here,” I speak. She startles but relaxes instantly, turnin’ her head towards me, a huge smile gracin’ back at me.
“I seem to be starving this morning. Thought I’d make us some pancakes,” she replies. Her smile breathtakin’, catchin’ my breath. Her smooth skin has a glow to it, her eyes sparkle.
“Sounds right good to me. Thank ya.”
I walk into the kitchen, sittin’ down at the table. I’m not surprised to see our plates and silverware have been placed, napkins, butter, syrup, and glasses of milk and orange juice by each of our plates. I watch her as she cooks. She seems different today. Happy? Was that because of last night? Surely not. Maybe it was seein’ the doctor yesterday. Whatever it is, I like it. I’ve only known the shy girl. The girl who’s seen more than most. Battered. Beaten. My thoughts are broken when she turns around, plate stacked with pancakes in her hand, the fingers of her casted hand grippin’ a small plate of bacon. She walks over and sits down. I reach out and take the plates from her and set them on the table.
“Thank you,” she smiles. Beautiful.
I feel like I’m seein’ her in a different light this mornin’. Grown up. A woman, not the girl I’d first met.
“You’re welcome, Darlin’.” I look down at everythin’ then back up at her. “You first.” I give her a grin and she nods eagerly but then jumps up out of her seat.
“I forgot the most important things.”
Confusion sets in. What could we need more than butter and syrup? I watch her open the fridge. Stoopin’ over to get what she needs, she stands back up, closin’ the door with her foot, grabs somethin’ else off the counter and walks back over to the table. My heart stops when she sets everythin’ down on the table. Cut up bananas and strawberries and peanut butter. I used to eat this same thing when I’d go to Hattie’s house before school. I told her how I thought it was so unusual, but it definitely became my favorite quickly. Coincidence? Do a lot of people like their pancakes this way? I feel like I’m in a haze – a dream. I didn’t even realize she’d been talkin’. I’ve been in my own world.
“Mom always had these since I was young. I was in love with them from the first bite I can remember.” Her face saddens as she places the slices of banana on her pancake over her butter then sets the bowl down and picks up the strawberries. Quickly my mood changes to grief for her. She lost so much. To watch her parents bein’ killed by that madman is undeniably unfathomable.
“Well, I’m just glad to see you eatin’ so well,” I reply quickly, tryin’ to lighten both our moods. She looks up and smiles.
“You need to try it. It’s really the best!”
I pick up the bananas and start placin’ them on my stack of pancakes. “I have no doubt, Darlin.’” I give her a wink and start pilin’ them on.
After pourin’ the syrup over my heap of fruit and peanut butter, I cut out a huge bite. I almost moan as I put it in my mouth, all the tastes mixin’ together creatin’ a euphoria of delectable goodness. God, I’ve never tasted anythin’ like it. Haven’t had it since….
“So, I was thinking.” I open my eye, watchin’ her throat move up and down as she swallows. Memories of last night envelope me. My hand around the base of her throat, my thumb sweepin’ over her smooth silky skin. I shake my head, hopin’ to shake off my lust filled thoughts.
“I was wondering if you’d have time to give me driving lessons.” She looks down, watchin’ her push her fork through the syrup on her plate. Her eyes move back up to mine. I can see the excitement in them. “I mean…. I remember the basics. Dad had started taking me to the church parking lot a bit before….” She swallows hard, almost chokin’ on her words. My heart beats hard for her. “Before. Well, anyway. I remember some things.” Her mouth tries to lift into a smile but it’s not very convincin’.
My heart begins to race. What I wouldn’t do, no give, to comfort her. Hold her in my arms and stroke her hair. It was hard enough to lose my parents but I really don’t remember them, their faces, expressions, or things they said to me. All I have is some pictures that I’ve kept in a box. I couldn’t imagine watchin’ them die. “Anythin’ you want, sweetheart.” Her smile is genuine now. Her eyes back with the light that was there before.
We finish eatin’ in silence but I can feel her excitement again. I need to look into gettin’ her a vehicle of some kind. One that can make it through the heavy snow here. She needs that independence. Until then she can use my truck. Hopefully she’ll be used to it by the time she gets her license. She’d told me durin’ breakfast that Shiloh let her use her credit card yesterday so she could send for a copy of her birth certificate to be able to get her license. I’m so proud of her.
After cleanin’ up the best breakfast I think I’d had in a long time, we get our coats on and get into my truck. I plow through the snow. Thankfully, some had melted yesterday, and the sun shinin’ today will remove more as the day goes on. I take her out to an open place that Colby had shown me. It’ll end up bein’ a great place to fence in to keep the horses that I’ll be boardin’. Her excitement as I park is contagious. I remember the first time I drove when I got my license. I was so happy to be able to drive around Grammy’s farm, go get groceries for her, and just be free to go where I pleased. There’s a sense of freedom that comes from it, bein’ your own person. I look over at her. Her smile is just a big and bright as the sun, so different than the first time we’d met. I know she’d been through so much especially for someone her age but she’s gotten stronger, more self-assured, in such a short time. She’s shown just how much she wants to be strong, be healed. I admire her.
I rest my arm over the steerin’ wheel, givin’ her one right back. “Well, Darlin’. You ready to sit behind this wheel?” She doesn’t hesitate. She’s out the door and joggin’ around the front of the truck before I can blink. I can’t help but chuckle as she opens my door. I slide over the seat, restin’ my arm on the center console. “Tell me what you remember.”
She looks at me, bitin’ down on the corner of her lip and then tells me. She remembers quite a bit. I tell her to put it in drive and she takes off. It’s like she’s been drivin’ for years. I’m so proud of her. She even got stuck in a deep area of snow and managed to get us out. Makes me wonder where she’s from, if they had snow there. After an hour, I’m parched. I let her drive us home, sittin’ back and enjoyin’ the scenery.
“Darlin’?” Her eyes move to mine then back to drivin’. “I know you probably don’t like to talk about it but where are you from?” She swallows hard. Her hand and the fingers of her casted one, grip the wheel tightly. “If you don’t want to answer….”
“No! I….” I can see wetness formin’ in her eyes but she shakes her head, blinkin’ rapidly. “Originally we lived in a small town in Texas.” My heart begins to race, an ill feelin’ washin’ over me. “I don’t remember it much. I was only five when we moved. Dad had gotten a new job, so we moved to Georgia. My sister wasn’t very happy about it. Well, she told me later.” I swallow hard.
“Yes. You mentioned you had a sister. Where is she?” I’m afraid to know the answer but somethin’ is drivin’ me to ask.
She looks over at me, tears wellin’ up real thick now. “She was killed in a car accident about four years ago.” No. Could it be her? Dare I ask? She never mentioned a sister until the other day. “Stupid drunk drivers. She was coming home from a date with her boyfriend which is funny because when I was old enough she used to talk my ear off about never dating, never wanting a boyfriend.”
“Why is that?” my voice but a whisper, chokin’ out my words.
She wipes a tear from her face and frowns. “She said there was this boy when we lived in Texas. Said they were inseparable. She loved him with everything she had. Apparently, Mom and Dad didn’t like him. She wrote to him every day, sometimes twice in a day. But she was only eight when we moved and Mom and Dad never mailed them for her. She was devastated because she thought they did and thought this boy never wrote back to her. Thought he’d forgotten her. She found out later that our parents had kept all his letters from her.”
She keeps talkin’ but I’ve gone numb, starin’ out the front window. Hattie’s face enters my mind, her voice still in my ears. How could she think I’d never written her?
She knew I loved her with everythin’ I was. I didn’t give up hope for so long but then I knew deep down I’d never see her again. Killed. Accident. Just like my parents.
“She told me she cried for days. Months. It took her a long time but she never really got over this boy.” Never got over. I’ve never gotten over her. Silly it may seem. So long ago. We were so young. But she was mine and I was hers. “She even tried to find him when she got old enough.” My head snaps to her, my heart beatin’ so hard I can feel it pumpin’ in my chest. “She tried everything but couldn’t locate him.” She tried. God, she tried to find me. I moved so much, never settlin’ down for long. “Trevor? Are you okay?” Am I okay? No. I’m not. My Hattie, killed by a drunk driver, tried to find me and couldn’t. Some may say that it wasn’t meant to be. I say it’s the story of my life. Everythin’ comin’ hard at me, never easy. I look at her, just as she pulls into the drive and parks. Resemblance. More and more now that I know. I turn in my seat and look into her eyes. Familiar.
“What was her name, Prie?”
She gives me a strange look. Confused. She swallows hard, her chin quiverin’ a bit. “Hattie.”
I turn abruptly, openin’ my door and slammin’ it shut with force. I start to walk through the snow, headin’ anywhere but here.
