by Green, Vicki
By the afternoon my emotions have done me in and I make a big decision, somethin’ I didn’t think I’d ever do. I take a shower and head into town. I don’t look around and don’t stop for nothin’, until I’ve reached my destination. When I walk into the house, memories of comin’ here with Prie hit me hard, makin’ me even more determined.
“May I help you?”
I walk straight to the desk and fold my arms across my chest. “I need to see the doc.”
I sit in the livin’ room type waitin’ area, things familiar from when I was here before.
“Mr. MacKay?”
My head turns. The doctor stands in the doorway, a warm smile on her face. I stand and walk straight to her, my hand extended. “Trevor please. Nice to see you again, Doc. Sorry for bargin’ in.” She shakes my hand, her smile warm.
“Not at all, Trevor. I’m actually very pleased that you’re here. Please follow me.”
I follow her up the stairs into another large livin’ room area and sit down on a long couch. She sits down on a chair across a big coffee table from me, crossin’ her legs and foldin’ her hands in her lap. “What can I do for you, Trevor?”
I lean my arms on my legs, rubbin’ my hands down my face then look up at her. “Doc. I love Prie Greer.” Her face doesn’t change, her expression not waverin’. “You don’t seem surprised.”
She smiles, shiftin’ in the seat. “Not really. Of course, anything that Prie has said to me I can’t share but let’s just say I had a really good feeling that you felt this way.” I let out a low chuckle and her smile grows. Seems like a really nice lady. No wonder Prie likes her so much. “She’s a wonderful woman. Making great strides in her healing.”
I sit up and lean back against the couch, puttin’ my right foot on the other knee, feelin’ a bit more relaxed. But I know I have a long road ahead of me, one I’m determined to follow. “Yes. She is. She’s remarkable. I’m pretty damn proud of her.”
“So. Is the reason you came here is to talk about Prie? Or did you have something else in mind,” she asked inquisitively, her brow raised arched with her question. Although, I think she knows the answer.
“Partly. Ya see…. I’m in love with her.” Her eyes widen but relax quickly, all knowin’ gleams from them. “However, I have my own healin’ to do before I can really give her the happiness she deserves. I know she’s out findin’ her peace now so I figure I need to find mine. She may not come back to me….” Sadness tries to take hold of my heart but I push it away, filin’ it for when I’m alone. “Then I need to get strong and fight for her. I don’t aim to let her go, Doc. Not a chance in hell.” She nods and reaches over to the table next to her, pickin’ up a notebook and pen and smiles.
“You have to want this for yourself too, Trevor. It’s admirable to want to heal for the woman you love but the success rate is so much lower if you don’t fight for your own healing as well.” She leans her arms down on her legs and looks deeply in my eyes, stern, hard, yet carin’. “You have to fight for yourself.”
I shift in my seat, suddenly uncomfortable. “I know,” I choke out. “Ain’t gonna be easy but I’m willin’ to fight for both of us.”
She gives me a curt nod, her satisfaction met. “Whenever you’re ready.” Her smile is back, my determination set. I’ll fight for her, for us. It might kill me, wear me out, but I’ll do it. I have to.
“I’m not proud of the things I’ve done in my past – findin’ food from trash cans in restaurant alleyways and sleepin’ underneath overpasses, curled up in a ball to try to stay warm.” We’d been talkin’ for over an hour. I’m exhausted after relivin’ memories about Grammy, losin’ her farm, and talkin’ about Hattie. But I keep pushin’ on, knowin’ I have no choice if I ever want a chance to get Prie back.
“Probably the worst times were givin’ myself to others to get a few bucks. Oh, I could have my choice of women, never had a problem with that, but to have to do things to get a little money, prostitutin’ myself that was the worst.” I swallow hard, rememberin’ things that I never wanted to think about again. Wouldn’t allow them to purge up into my head before.
“I took everythin’ they made me do. Tie me up, hit me with belts. I took it all. Once….” I close my eyes tight, not wantin’ to expel this from myself, not ever wantin’ anyone to know I’d let myself get so low that I’d allow this to happen. I can’t bear to open my eyes, to see the look on her face. “A woman I was with brought in a friend. A male friend. I sucked up my pride. The pay was too good to pass up. It would help me get on my feet, try to get where I needed to be. I….” I swallow hard again, my throat so dry I can barely talk. “I took what they made me do, what they did to me. I lost more of myself that day, vowin’ I’d never stoop that low again.” Scared to open my eyes, I make myself. Her face not changed, her expression the same as when I closed them. “I vowed I’d never do that again, never sell myself.”
We spent another hour talkin’. By the time I left all I could think about is I need to take a shower with the hottest water I could stand. I felt dirty, needin’ to get clean again. It didn’t help. I couldn’t erase those horrible memories from my mind. She suggested I come back tomorrow, same time, and every day if needed. She told me I could set my pace though but all I want is to be free, find the peace that Prie’s findin’ for herself. I want to be whole again.
Prie has had her writin’ to help her. I have my homemade punchin’ bag in the barn. I scared the horses with my aggression so tomorrow I’m gonna build a small structure on the right of my house, makin’ a kind of gym. I need to get my anger out, need to work out all the bad memories. I think it’ll be therapeutic just buildin’ it as much as workin’ out when it’s done. Tonight, after my shower, I made a small bit of dinner, not really hungry for much. I flipped through the channels on my TV not really seein’ anythin’ but tryin’ to get the visions out of my head that I’d expelled earlier today. I gave up and went to bed, layin’ on my back, tryin’ to remember the feel of Prie’s skin, her smell and smile. I feel like even though she’s not been gone very long, her face is fadin’ in my mind already. That makes my heart even heavier than it already is. I miss her so much. I feel like I can’t breathe right without her, like she took my air when she left. I close my eyes, hopin’ to find her in my dreams, hopin’ someday to find her in my arms again.
“Come on, baby. Push harder.”
“No.”
“You want the money. You have to work for it.”
Smack!
“Ungh!” I bite my lower lip until I taste blood, tryin’ not to give them the pleasure of my pain. The belt hits me hard across the back of my legs, makin’ me wince.
“Fuck me, man. Give me what you got. Fuck, you’re so damn hot.”
I’ve lost my mind, my pride. I’m lower than I’ve ever been in my life. The money’s too good. I have to do this.
“Yeah, right there. Damn! That feels so good.”
My eyes close so tight, not wantin’ to see, to feel anythin’. I push into him deeper, harder as my tongue presses into her pussy, tastin’ her on my mouth.
“Harder. Fuck! Harder! I’m cumming!”
Thank God! As soon as he yells out, she comes all over my tongue. Two more hours. Just two more hours and I can leave. I’ve never been more scared of what they may do to me in that time, what they’ll have me do. I have to get that money. I’ll never do anythin’ like this again. I’ll die first.
I can’t take the memories yet I can’t seem to wake up. Help me. God, please help me.
“Bend lower. That’s a good boy.” I feel somethin’ runnin’ down my back. I shiver hard. “Just relax. That’s it.” I look up, my hands grippin’ the end of the table hard, my knuckles white. I feel his hand, touchin’ me. I shiver again. A wet mouth captures my cock, suckin’ it hard, teeth scrapin’ the skin. Light touches across my b
ack then ‘whack’, my body jolts with a force of what hit me.
“Dammit, Lila. Wait until I’m done. Man, you’ve got a big dick. Taste so yummy.” I feel him stroke me gently. “Come on, baby. Relax and enjoy what I’m giving you.”
I cringe, the thought of him down there. He takes me in his mouth again. I can feel his hand rollin’ my balls. I’m tryin’ so hard to keep myself hard. I need that money. I feel kisses down my back, light, but my back hurts so badly from what hit me, they make the pain worse. I twitch when somethin’ intrudes into my bottom, the feelin’ foreign and painful. “You’re supposed to lubricate there first, stupid. You’re gonna ruin him for my turn.”
“Shut up, asshole.” Her voice once so seductive, now harsh.
I cringe when the object is removed, replaced with somethin’ moist. I twitch again when a finger is pushed into me and he sucks me so hard, pullin’ at me, I shudder.
“Stop!”
“No!”
“Relax, baby. Come on.”
I try holdin’ back. I try. His mouth sucks me harder, takin’ me clear to the back of his throat, his hands tuggin’ and pullin’ my balls. The object is pushed into me again from behind, fillin’ me whole. God, please stop them. I lay with the side of my face smooshed against the table, my entire body movin’ as they play with me, like a fuckin’ toy. His hand leaves my balls, travels around until I feel him pull my bottom, spreadin’ me out more. “Make sure you have him ready for me, Lila. I’m gonna fuck you so hard, boy. You’ll feel me all the way through.”
“STOP!”
I sit up, my body covered in sweat. I hadn’t relived that night since then, not allowin’ it to ever come into my mind. The doctor’s visit. Everythin’ comin’ back to the forefront again. Pain. Agony. Regret. I pull my legs up, the sheet risin’ with them and put my elbows on my knees, rubbin’ my face, over and over. My fingers move into my hair and I pull on the strands, hard. My chest is risin’ and fallin, my heart beatin’ so hard I can feel it in my chest. I knew this would happen. It was inevitable. I throw the damp sheet off me and bring my legs over the side of my bed. I look at the clock. Two in the mornin’. I walk to the shower, turnin’ the water as hot as I can bear and climb inside, lettin’ the heat roll over my body, scaldin’ me. I may never be clean on the inside but I try to clean the outside, washin’ myself hard, tryin’ to get the horrible feelin’ off myself. It doesn’t work.
Quickly, I get dressed, foregoin’ a coat, I run down to the barn. The horse’s heads risin’ as I enter in a fury, the sound of their whinnies, the chickens cacklin’ that I woke them up. I look at the gloves layin’ on the table and walk to the bag, wantin’ to feel the pain instead. I start hittin’ it hard, tryin’ to erase the memories, push them back where they belong. Not sure how long I’ve been in here but my breathin’ is labored, my knuckles and hands bloody. I grab the bag, stoppin’ it mid swing and try to take a deep breath. My hands shoot pain up my arms, but feelin’ it makes me know I’m alive, helps me to see that I’m here and not back in that horrific place. I squeeze my eyes shut tight, not wantin’ to remember anymore. “God, please help me to forget.”
After takin’ another shower, bandagin’ my hands, I get most of my chores done and go back into town, dreadin’ my time with the doctor but knowin’ I have to do this.
For Prie.
For myself.
“I’m sorry it’s bringing up old memories, ones I’m sure you’d rather not remember. Unfortunately, that can happen but sometimes it’s part of the healing process. I’m proud of you, Trevor.” She’s tryin’ to be reassurin’, I know.
That night, less sleep, more nightmares. I was expectin’ them this time.
“That’s right. Right there. Oh, yeah.”
They moved me back to the bed, on top of her, my dick inside, pushin’. He’s behind me, rammin’ his dick in the one place I never thought anyone would ever be. Takin’ my pride more with every thrust, every feel of his balls slappin’ against me. “Look at me, sugar.” I open my eyes, lookin’ down at her. “Fuck me harder. Come, give me those full lips.” She pulls on my hair hard, bringin’ me down to her mouth. She bites my lower lip, already sore from when I drew blood earlier. How much more can I take? My eyes quickly shift to the clock on the wall. Thirty more minutes. I can do this – bear whatever else they have in store. I have to.
“God! You’re so fucking tight here.” My head lifts when he grabs my hair, pullin’ my head back until I look at him. “You feel me, boy?” I try to nod but can’t move. “I feel so fuckin’ good, don’t I? You love me inside you, don’t you?” He releases my head and I try to take a breath until she grabs my hair again and pulls me back to her mouth. The money. Keep thinkin’ about the money. I jump when I feel him hit me as he pushes in and out. I’m so damn sore, all over. He releases inside me about the same time I release inside her. He pushes me roughly and I fall down next to her, my breathin’ labored, my body spent.
I look up into her eyes. She starts brushin’ her fingers through my damp hair. “Oh, poor baby. We wearing you out?”
My eyes shift to him when I feel the weight of his body, layin’ across mine. He starts rubbin’ my bottom and I cringe inside. “We’ll help you get hard again, boy. We still have you for a little while longer.” I close my eyes, prayin’ this’ll be over soon. My eyes snap open when I feel his finger enter me, pain hits me hard. “Lila,” he says starin’ into my eyes. “Go get the ice.”
Caprice
I’ve spent the majority of the day boxing up everything in the house, sorting through everything and making separate piles. Some boxes I’ll take over to the Goodwill, some I’ll keep. Memories. So many memories. I’ve cried all day, my eyes swollen and red. I’ve been listening to my old CD’s, the house full of music, hoping it would drown out my thoughts. I’d opened all the blinds earlier and several windows. The front and back doors are open, the warm air on a hot filled day breezing in. I have my long hair up in a high ponytail, a tank top on with my shorts, bare footed. I knew I needed to be comfortable today, having so much work to do. I haven’t eaten since I got here, not sure I can stomach anything yet.
A knock sounds on the front screen and I turn my head. Mr. Erwin. I stand, soreness pushes through me from sitting for so long, a little tingle from my foot falling asleep as I walk to the door. Instead of a suit and tie, he’s wearing a t-shirt, fitted tightly across his broad chest, and a pair of jeans, a little out of character from when we met yesterday. He gives me a wide smile, his teeth gleaming in the sunlight. I open the door and smile.
“I hope I’m not bothering you.”
I look behind me at the mess of boxes piled everywhere then back up at him. He stands a few inches taller than me, the top of my head reaching his nose. “No. I actually could use a break,” I say as I wipe away a wayward tear from my cheek. “Please. Come in.” He nods as he walks through the doorway. I take a few steps back, giving him room to enter. “I must look frightful,” I laugh.
His eyes darken but change back to their brown color quickly. “On the contrary.” His eyes roam down my body, making me slightly uncomfortable until they reach my eyes again. “You look great. Although you look like you’ve been crying. I’m sorry.”
I rub my cheek, still feeling the dampness from my tears. “It was bound to happen. I knew it would be hard going through everything.” I look around again and then snap back to him. “I’d offer you something to drink but I haven’t been to the store yet. I’m sorry.”
He looks down at me, care filling his eyes. “Don’t be sorry. How about I take you out for a bite to eat and then to the grocery store? When was the last time you had something to eat?” I bite the inside of my cheek, trying to remember. He laughs. “Well, if you have to think that hard, it’s been too long. Come on. I insist. It’s Saturday and I don’t take too many of them off from work.” I give him a smile and nod.
I hold my finger up and walk into the family room, grab my purse, slip into my flip flops, and shut the back door, locking it. When I get back to the hallway, he’s still standing there, watching me intently. “I know a great little diner about twenty minutes from here. Best home cooked food you’ll ever eat.”
He reaches down and I let him take my hand, pulling me out the door. I stop long enough to close the inside door, locking it tight, and then he takes my hand again and leads me to an SUV parked behind the covered mustang. He opens the passenger door for me, helping me up into the seat, then closes it and runs around the front. I watch him move, his muscles flexing, and I let out the breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding. My heart’s beating a little faster than I’m liking but he really is a nice looking man. He gets in the driver seat, smiles at me, making my heart rate increase more. Putting his car in gear, he backs out of my driveway and heads down the street.
“What’s under the tarp in your driveway,” he asks, shifting his eyes to mine then back on the road. “All this time I never looked.”
I give him a smile back, remembering all the fun we had in Hattie’s car. “It was my sister’s mustang. I haven’t taken it out for a spin yet.” I look down at my hands, my fingers pulling on each other subconsciously. “I haven’t even been out in the garage yet. My parent’s cars are in there.”
One step at a time.
