by Green, Vicki
“Want me to go with you.” My eyes focus in on his and I smile, shaking my head. I reach out and place my hand on his arm.
“No. Thank you.” I look back over there and sigh. “I might be a little while if you want to leave and come back later.”
I feel his hand on mine and look at him. “I’ll wait. Take your time.”
I swear if this man wasn’t gay, I’d go for him in a heartbeat.
I gather up the small bouquets of flowers from my lap and open the door. I have to admit, I do have a little trouble walking with my broken toes, but slowly I make it to their graves. I place the flowers down against each headstone and then carefully sit down on the grass in front of them.
“I carried guilt inside me for a long time thinking if not for me you two would still be alive. But then a couple of people showed me that it wasn’t my fault. I was taken by force. They were right and I knew that all along but it was easier to feel guilty then deal with my broken heart. I miss you every single second of every single day. I’m trying to do the right thing and give a lot of our things to charity. Of course I’m keeping everything of monetary or sentimental value.”
I look over at Mom’s headstone and smile. “Mom. I miss your wit, your hugs, and most of all, being able to talk to you. We were always so close. Sometimes when things are at their worst, when I feel like I can’t go on anymore, I think about us sitting on my bed and me wrapped in your arms. You were always there for me. I miss you terribly.” I wipe away a tear and pull the tissue from my pocket. I was expecting this.
Looking over at Dad’s grave, I become serious. “Dad. You know I’ve always loved you with all my heart, but it was wrong of you to keep Hattie’s and Trevor’s letters. Never mailing Hattie’s out was wrong. Never giving her Trevor’s letters was worse. Sorry, but I had to tell you that first before I tell you that I love you anyway. You’re my dad. Thank you for taking such great care of us, for the fun we used to have, and the money you left me. You made sure even in your death that I’m well taken care of. For that I’m eternally grateful. I miss you so much.”
More tears. I blow my nose and look over at Hattie’s headstone. “Hattie,” I blow out a deep breath. “God. I used to follow you around everywhere, always hanging on your every word, always in your way. But you always let me. I couldn’t believe you were killed. You had so much life left to live. Life isn’t fair but sometimes I think those of us left here have it much worse. You’re with Mom and Dad while I’m here all alone. Oh, I’ve made some great friends who’ve become like family but you know that’s not the same.” I let out a deep breath, my tears flowing down my cheeks. The wind picks up and I shiver.
“Hattie. Don’t be mad at Dad, even though I understand you want to. He loves you so much and was just trying to take care of you.” I look down at my hand, my fingers pulling on each other. I stop and thread them together, clasping my hands. “I have a confession. Trevor helped save me from the bad man who took me. Small world, huh? Hattie. I love him. I’m so sorry. I had no idea at the time that he was your Trevor. You know I’d never hurt you. I’m so confused on what to do. One minute he acts like he has feelings for me then the next he seems to push me away. Except….” Flashes of the last night we spent together flow through my mind. His touch. His loving embrace. Making love to me so tenderly, lovingly. I smile. My heart is racing with the memories. I sneeze and rub my arms. “Hattie. You should see the man he is today. Even though he has his own demons to deal with, he’s the most genuine, caring, loving, sweet, and kind man. His laugh and chuckle make you laugh. His smile melts you the instant you see it. His blue eyes gleam at you with such love. He looks like a freaking model but is so down to earth. He has no idea just how beautiful he is.” I look down and start pulling at the grass before me. “I love him but I don’t know if it’s enough.” I look up at her name and sigh. “I’ve worked really hard on putting the bad parts of my life behind me but I’m not sure he can do the same. I have no idea what all happened to him, what he’s had to endure, but I’ve seen him after he’s had his nightmares and to be honest, that scares me. Oh, he would never intentionally hurt me but I just think…. I’m not sure he can ever get past them. I’m not sure if my love is strong enough to fight past that. So. I sold the house and I’m putting everything in storage so I can go back to Montana for a wedding. You’d love Sadie and Shiloh. I don’t know if I’ll stay. I’m just not sure what to do.” The wind blows my hair around me and I shiver again.
I stand, not knowing how long I’ve been here and rub my hands up and down my arms, feeling all the goose bumps. “Well, I’d better go” I look up at the dark clouds overhead then look back down at each of their headstones. “Looks like it might storm.” At that moment, a couple of sprinkles hit my face and I laugh. God, it feels so good to laugh. “I love you all and miss you so much it hurts. At least I know you’re together. I’ll be back.”
By the time I get back to Grant’s car, he sits up straight looking like he’d been asleep. Silently I get in the car and buckle up. When we get to my house, he follows me inside and sits down next to me on the couch. I move into his side, laying my head on his shoulder as his arm wraps around me. No words are spoken, no more tears shed. I’m cried out and exhausted emotionally.
Chapter Twelve
Trevor
Day after tomorrow is Memphis and Sadie’s weddin’. I had to go into town to be fitted for a tux, somethin’ I thought I’d never have to do. It feels too tight, too confinin’ for this country boy. But I’m excited for them. Been a while comin’ and hopin’ someday I find someone to be with and be as happy as they are. I admire their love for each other. Prie. I’ve never been so nervous in all my life. I’ll be seein’ her for the first time in three months. Everythin’ rides on it. I feel like I could swallow my heart just thinkin’ about it. I wonder how much she’s changed. What all did she do while she was at home? I wish I could have been the one to be there for her. I’m sure it was really hard on her. I know I’ll want to run to her as soon as I see her. I’ll want to grab her, hold the back of her head and lay my lips against hers. I’ll want to breathe her in, rub my nose along the smooth skin on her face. I can’t though. I have to hold myself back. I can’t take the chance of scarin’ her off. Won’t take any chances. It’s too important. Everythin’ depends on this. My life.
I’ve been workin’ up a sweat all day and not just on my body. My mind is in overdrive, nervousness about seein’ her makin’ me a bit crazy. I’ve never wanted anythin’ so badly in all my life. No, I mean…. My grammy was everythin’, Hattie was the love of my youth, but Prie? Prie is everythin’. My future. I don’t even know if she’s stayin’ or for how long but I’ll do anythin’ to fight for her. Anythin’.
By the end of the day, I’ve cleaned the entire house. Put fresh flowers in vases on the coffee table in the living room and on the breakfast bar in the kitchen. I’m exhausted from my chores outside the house but had to get everythin’ done in here, in the off chance she’d come over. Laundry done, clean sheets on my bed, I even cleaned her old room. I sit down on her bed, rubbin’ my hand over the comforter, lettin’ out a big sigh. God, I miss her. Have no one to blame but myself, runnin’ her off with the demons that haunt me. I know I scared her a few times, hated myself for it. But things have changed. I’ve changed. I faced those demons head on, gave them a good fight, and I won. Not gonna lie and say I don’t have any nightmares but they are fewer and far in between and don’t make me wake up in a cold sweat anymore. Kinda proud of that. Oh, it’s taken endless work, nightly horrors, and a lot of talkin’ with my best friend, Shiloh. Don’t think I would be where I am today without her.
The roar of thunder takes me from my thoughts. The room brightens in a flash from the lightnin’ crackin’ outside. Guess I’d better to see to the animals before I take my shower and go to bed. I rally the horses back to the barn then ride Fancy out and gather up the cows. B
y the time I get them all into the barn, I’m wringin’ wet – drenched to the bone. The heavens opened up. The wind was blowin’ the trees in such a fury. Water pours off the rim of my cowboy hat as I lift the saddle off Fancy. I carry it out of his stall and stop mid step. There stands a vision, right inside the barn doors. Her hair is longer, darker from bein’ drippin’ wet from the rain. Her eyes look into mine with such intensity, I almost drop to my knees.
“Trevor,” she whispers, a faint smile on that beautiful face I’ve missed so much.
Wasn’t expectin’ her. Thought the first time I’d get to see her would be at the weddin’. She’s completely caught me off guard, makin’ me thick with emotions that I can’t quite get a hold on.
“Prie,” I choke out her name, my tongue thick and dry.
Finally, I get my wits about me, walk the saddle over and set it down on the rack. I lean over and pick up the dry cloth and start gettin’ the water off it, never takin’ my eyes from hers. “It’s good to see you. You look….” My eyes scan down her body. She’s added a little weight, just enough to make her look healthier. She’s wearin’ a t-shirt, I grin when I see it’s one of mine. It’s tucked into her low ridin’ jeans, her feet in flip flops instead of boots. That makes me chuckle until I make my way back up her body, it shiftin’ a little with my gaze, then I meet up with her eyes again. It’s hard to describe the feelin’ I get as she stares into mine. Carin’. Lovin’. Tender. Soft. “You look really good, Darlin’.” She gives me that warm smile then shivers a bit. “Want to go to the house? Get warmed up? Don’t want you catchin’ somethin’.” She shifts in her stance, becomin’ uncomfortable. I get the saddle dry and wipe off my hands, puttin’ the folded towel back onto the work table. I take a few steps, noticin’ her arms are behind her. Strange since she’s normally pullin’ at her fingers in front of her, a habit that maybe she’s broke now.
“You look really good too,” she speaks, her voice hittin’ me right in my heart, down into my soul. She seems nervous or anxious, maybe both. “I wanted to see you before the wedding. I’ll be pretty busy helping Sadie tomorrow.”
I take a step towards her, noticin’ her chest risin’ and fallin’ heavy with her accelerated breathin’. Guess mine is too, when I can breathe. “I’m glad you did.” Her smile grows as her head tilts down a bit, shyly. “How’ve you been?”
She looks up at me through those long damn lashes. God, she’s so sexy.
“I’ve been really good. Got my GED.” So proud. She should be.
I take another step, the distance not as far to her now. “That’s amazin’, sweetheart. I’m proud of you.”
I take another step, my heart beatin’ so fast.
“How have you been?” Her brows raise, her eyes wide, awaitin’ my answer.
I grin, clear my throat that suddenly is so fuckin’ dry. “I’m good. Got several horses, cows and chickens now. Vegetables comin’ in regular, fruit off the bushes and trees.”
Another step. Two more and I’ll be able to touch her. My fingers twitch with the thought. Eagerness.
“Sounds like you’ve gotten a lot done.” She looks down and then back up at me. “But how are you? I mean….” She wants to know if I’m still broken, damaged. Wants to know if I’m still havin’ nightmares, if I’ve made peace with my past. Same things I want to know about her.
Another step. I can almost feel her warm breath on my skin. Can almost smell her, feel her.
“I’m better. Still have a ways to go. You?” She looks disappointed. Makes my heart hurt. Everythin’ I’ve done, I’ve done for her. Guess I’ve done it for me too but with her in mind. All of it.
She doesn’t know.
I take the last step, look deep into her eyes. I can’t stop my hand from raisin’, runnin’ my fingers through her long hair. Wet. Soft. She closes her eyes. Shivers. “But I’m in a better place.” Her eyes open slowly, filled with desire. She nods, shiverin’ again. “You’re cold. Let’s go to the house.” My eyes widen when she takes a step back. Is she leavin’?
She doesn’t want to go with me.
“I….” she stammers, confused. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.” She looks around, everywhere but at me. Finally, her eyes land on mine and she smiles, relaxes. She brings her arms out from behind her. She’s holdin’ a small case. “I brought you something from home.”
Home.
This is your home.
I’m your home.
“What’s in it,” I ask, curiosity gettin’ the better of me. What could she have in her home to bring me?
She swallows hard. Looks like she gettin’ up the nerve of what to say. “It’s the letters from Hattie to you and those you sent to her.”
Hattie.
My brows lower, my heart beatin’ hard. “How can that be? Is this some kind of a joke?” Don’t mean to be cruel but how could she have them? I never got letters from Hattie, mine sent never answered. I take a step towards her and she takes ones back, a look of alarm on her face. She’s almost outside the barn, the sound of the rain louder, the storm roarin’ its ugly head. Thunder hits as lightnin’ cracks, soundin’ as mad as I’m feelin’. She shakes her head, the case tremblin’ in her hands. “How do you have those, Prie?” My voice sounds angry even to me but I’m more confused than anythin’.
She straightens, her chin liftin’ up at me. Determined. “I sold my house. When I was going through everything, I found this in a safe in the basement. Dad must have put them in there.” She’s standin’ up to me, knowin’ I’m upset. She’s stronger. She takes a step towards me now, her posture full of purpose, resolve. “I thought you’d like to have them. I thought maybe it would help you to read what she wrote to you so long ago.” She holds up the case as an offerin’, to what I don’t know. Do I want to read them? For the first time in so many years, a piece of Hattie is within my reach, her written words from so long ago. Do I dare read what was in her mind from back then? Does it really matter anymore? I’ve changed since then, battled evil, fought demons from my past. I’ve struggled hard for one thing and one thing only – to be able to live with myself again for Prie. To be me again. Do I take a chance that it might take away all the progress I’ve made, make me so remorseful again I lose myself?
Takin’ the one step left that separates us, I gently remove the case from her hands. She lowers her arms, takin’ a step back. Always back. Always away from me. I look down at the piece of metal in my hands, grippin’ it tightly. My eyes snap to hers. She’s chewin’ the inside of her cheek, her resolve breakin’ as she takes another step back. “Don’t go,” I plead.
Don’t leave me again.
The horses whinny as thunder roars. Restless. Nervous. Prie startles, brushin’ her fingers through her long wet hair. “I should go,” she whispers, unsure. I nod, not knowin’ what to do. I don’t wanna scare her. She’s only just come back. She gives me a timid smile and turns. I watch her walk through the doorway, lightnin’ brightenin’ up the sky in a flash. Darkness envelopes her. She’s gone. I take a deep breath and open the lid. Stacks of letters, bound in ribbons. I pick up a stack. My handwritin’ was never that good. I look beneath and see another stack. Her handwritin’ – perfect, sweet, young. I look up and out the doorway, my heart beatin’ so hard it fills my ears.
My love.
My life.
Quickly, I jog over and set the case down on the work table turn and take off in a run. The rain hits me hard, comin’ down too fast. The darkness pulls me into it, squintin’ my eyes tryin’ to find her. The heavy rain soundin’ loud and the trees blowin’ and whippin’ their leaves and limbs around. Thunder booms as I continue to run. Lightnin’ hits, the crack loud when it hits a tree in the pasture. It brightens the sky for a fleetin’ moment. I stop, breathin’ heavy. There she is. She’s runnin’, her arms around her waist, fightin’ against the ragin’ storm, almost
to the edge of my house.
Don’t go!
I take off runnin’, the rain peltin’ me hard. I can barely see, my hat blowin’ off my head and I cover my eyes with my hand. I make it up the hill, my speed pickin’ up when she starts to round the corner, lookin’ over at me. She disappears. I almost fall, my boot slippin’ in the soaked grass. Reachin’ down, I catch myself, my hand pushin’ off the ground, and am up again runnin’ hard. By the time I round the corner, she’s almost to the end. Almost to her car. Panic rises inside me, my heart chokin’ me, and I can’t catch my breath. I’m gainin’ on her, thunder hittin’ loud, the crack of more lightnin’ makes the ground feel like it’s vibratin’ underneath my boots.
Closer.
Closer.
I reach out, my fingers barely touchin’ her hair that’s plastered to her back. Finally, I grasp her upper arm, spinnin’ her around. Her face is full of surprise, her eyes wide and filled with tears. I grab her other arm, holdin’ onto her tightly. She shakes, shivers uncontrollably. “Please….” I gasp, tryin’ to get oxygen into my lungs. She’s breathin’ just as heavy, her skin cold, wet. “Please don’t leave.”
I push her back, guidin’ her until she’s against my house. Her lips part, a light blue from the cold rain. “I wanted to give you time. If you got upset, I….” Her eyes shift around then back into mine. “I thought you’d want to read them alone.”
She’s scared of me.
I made her feel that way.
I relax my hold, my fingers flutterin’ up the soft and wet skin of her arm. She closes her eyes as I move them, across her collarbone, up her neck, her chin then across her cheek. I run them through her hair, snarled in the wetness, placin’ my palm on the side of her face. “I never want to scare you, Darlin’. Never meant to hurt you.” She opens her eyes. Soft. Green. Beautiful. “No. I’m not gonna read them.” Her brows lower, questioningly. I swallow, not sure what to say, how to convince her.
