by Izzy Shows
"Well, no," I said, grimacing because I hated to agree with him on this. "Curfew and meal times were strictly dictated, but we were allotted a small amount of free time each month, assuming we had completed a specified number of kills."
"Hm. So, even then, you didn't get to choose when or how long you had to do something. Even your free time was dictated to you. And am I correct in assuming that, with your free time, you chose from a prescribed list of activities?"
"There was only so much you could do," I said, but the excuse sounded weak even to my own ears.
"So, again, you had little to no choice in the matter. Tell me, Nina--what decisions have you made in your life, and when?"
"I saved Gray," I said immediately, without thinking.
The corner of his lips tugged a bit, as if he was fighting a smile. "And that's it? The only decision you've ever made?"
I looked down at my hands, now disentangled and spread out in front of me, as I tried to think hard on his question. Tried to find another answer.
I didn't choose to be a prisoner, no more than I chose to be a hunter. I didn't choose what kills I completed. I didn't choose when to eat or sleep. I didn't choose to come to court, to lie to everyone here. I didn't choose to do any of this.
I shook my head, frowning down at my hands. "I chose to save Grayson. I chose to come back here, to make a deal with the Council for my life. I chose to accept the terms they laid out in front of me--although at that point, it was either agree or die."
"So, not much of a choice on that last one, but still, you’ve made two choices in your entire life. Doesn't that seem odd to you?"
I looked up at him. "What other life is there?"
Pity filled his eyes, much to my distaste. I hated the thought of being pitied.
"There's a lot more to life than what you've been shown, Nina, and I'm sorry for that. I wish I could change it for you, or that I could promise it will be different for you now, but I don't know what life has in store for you yet. I do know that you're one of the strongest women--no, not just women. You're one of the strongest people I've ever met, and I don't think this will be your life for long. I don't think you'll let it stand, now that you know it's not the only option."
"I don't see what I can do..." I started to say, but even now, I could feel the wheels turning in my mind, could feel the need rising in me.
It had always been there, I realized, representing itself in some fashion or another. Hadn't I always striven for independence when I worked for Conall? Hadn't I dreamed of getting out from under the thumb of yet another man, to make my own decisions and work for him on my terms?
Hadn't I taken this job for exactly those reasons?
And yet I hadn't known then that it was possible to be free of others like that. Now that I did, now that I knew that not everyone lived like I had--what would I do with that information?
I looked up at Alex, eyes narrowed. "I don't know whether to thank you or hate you for opening my eyes like this."
He smiled. "Free will is both a blessing and a curse. But I believe in you."
"Why? Why are you being so kind to me? After all of this, why do you still care?"
He glanced to one side, and something passed through his expression for a second before he looked at me again.
"I hate to say it, after you've been so open with me, but there are things I'm not quite ready to share yet. I said before that I don't condone the hatred of an entire race for the actions of the few in the past--I have good reason for that. I recognize that you have had little opportunity to make your own decisions, that perhaps you don't yet know who you are or what you want--but I do look forward to watching you find that out. Others won't be so understanding, as I'm sure you're learning, but I have learned what it means to be hated simply for existing, for the matter of your birth. And I would never wish that on someone else. I want to be your friend, Nina."
Friend.
For some reason, my heart ached at the word, and I felt fresh tears spring to my eyes.
"My friend?"
"If you'll have me," he said, smiling.
"I've never had a friend before."
"Well, then, I'm honored to be the first," he said, standing up and offering his hand to me. I took it, and he pulled me to my feet and wrapped his arms around me in a warm hug. "I already wanted to be your friend, Nina, but I thought it might matter more to you to hear it after you had told me your story, so that you couldn't doubt that I would be your friend no matter what you had to hide. I don’t judge you for your actions, and I will stand by you just as I stand by Gray."
Now, the tears slipped over my cheeks, and I found that I couldn't answer--that I didn't have the words to respond to something as beautiful and heartfelt as that.
All I could do was hug him back and hope he knew how much his words meant to me.
8
Grayson
By the time I reached my suite, I was mostly under control again, though I was still clenching and flexing my hands as I tried to rid myself of the emotions that had ridden me so strongly just moments ago.
Gods, I almost took her. Almost took what she wasn't willing to give, like an animal. Like a monster that didn't care what happened, that didn't care what she wanted... I almost...
Self-loathing poured through me for what I had almost done to her, and it was enough to quash the lust that had consumed me earlier. Oh, it wasn't all gone; the beast within still raged to return, to take what belonged to it, to mark her and make her mine. But I was more than the beast within. I was a male capable of rational thought, and I would not be ruled by my body like that.
I would not hurt her.
What must she think of me now?
I entered my suite as the thought haunted me, shutting the door with a firm hand; I only wished that I could shut the door on my thoughts as effectively. But, no, they wouldn't go away. Wouldn't leave me in peace. They would only torment me, and I knew I deserved every moment of pain they would inflict. What I had almost done was despicable, a crime that could never be washed from my soul.
Would she ever forgive me?
Oh, it's her forgiveness you seek now? Have you forgotten what she is? What she did?
I frowned at the contrasting thought, shaking my head.
"It doesn't matter what she did. No one should be so used, so abused. My actions are inexcusable," I said aloud, as if to reinforce the words to myself. As if mere thought was not strong enough to chastise myself with.
I cast my eyes about my suite, barely noticing the luxurious furniture and artwork that bedecked the antechamber or the ornate carvings on the doors that led to the other rooms. My eyes settled on the easel in the far corner, where a blank canvas rested.
My soul lightened for a second as soon as I saw it. Painting had always been an escape for me, a way to lose myself in the moment and find some semblance of peace, to escape the rules and regulations that dictated my life and just exist, even for a moment.
I walked over to the easel and repositioned it so that it faced the wall, with just enough room for me to stand between it and the wall. As soon as I began mixing the paint, I felt a sense of calm come over me, an ease that I hadn't felt in several days.
Yes, this is what I need. Just to lose myself for a moment, to forget everything that has happened, to just be.
A knock on my door interrupted me the moment I put brush to canvas, and I scowled at the intrusion.
"Come in," I said without bothering to find out who it might be. No doubt it was one of the Council come to chastise me for enthralling Nina in private rather than allowing them to observe, but I was glad now more than ever that I had insisted on it being a private matter.
I didn't know that I would have been able to control myself because others were in the room, not when I remembered how the animalistic need had taken me over the moment I tasted her blood.
The memory made my fangs ache and my body harden--and brought with it a rush of shame at the way I had acted.
<
br /> You don't deserve to want her. Not after the way you behaved.
"Darling?" My mother's voice filled the room as the door swung open to reveal her. Her graying hair was swept up into an elegant updo, and a small tiara was nestled in her hair. She swept into the room without waiting for further instruction, her long blue gown brushing against the door. "I hope this is a good time."
"As good as any," I said, aware of the barely contained growl at the back of my words. I turned my mind back to the canvas before me. If my mother was here, it was no doubt to talk about the presentation balls, and I knew she wouldn't mind if I painted while she talked.
It would also allow me to ignore most of what she said.
She settled herself on the couch, I saw out of the corner of my eye, and I couldn't help but notice how she always seemed to make herself belong, no matter where she was. She never looked awkward or out of place. She always carried herself with a regal air that couldn't be taught; it could only be bred.
She was a Queen, through and through, and I loved her with all my heart. She was the most important person in my life, and I wanted to give her anything that would make her happy.
Anything but this. Anything but taking a mate.
I couldn't understand how she couldn't see how miserable the very thought of it made me--or if she did, how she could ignore it.
"I know you must be feeling quite a lot right now," she said, smiling tentatively. "And I had hoped to give you more time to process the situation, but you know how the Council is. They’re pressing me to hurry the preparations along. They want to get this over with as soon as possible." She made an aggravated sound. "I don't see how they can be so difficult. Everyone knows that a rough hand gets you nowhere. You need time to come around to the decision you've made, time to process everything that's happened, and I need time to get everything in proper order. Some things cannot be rushed, but they don't see it that way."
I smiled wryly as I painted, shaking my head. At least she was thinking of me in this, even somewhat; she cared enough that she didn't want to rush me into it, no matter that it was no longer up to either of us.
"What's done is done," I said. "No amount of time is going to make me 'warm up' to it."
"Oh, Grayson, I really wish you wouldn't look at it like that. A mating is a beautiful thing, and all I've ever wanted is for you to find that someone who completes you. You know I’ve always regretted that you have no siblings, and I feel like it's made you a little isolated, taught you not to form close attachments. And really, being able to trust someone..."
"What would you know of trusting your mate?" I asked before I could think better of the words.
She stiffened, sniffing indignantly.
My mother and father hadn't had the best mating possible. They’d been well and truly in love at the beginning, and even several years in, but I was the only child she'd been able to carry to term. With each miscarriage, a wedge had been driven a little deeper between them, until they regarded each other almost as strangers.
It hadn't left me with the best impression of what a mated couple could be, though logically I knew their situation had been an oddity. I had seen plenty of mated couples since then, and I knew how devoted they were to one another. Your mate was the only one you could trust in a world of politics and sabotage. In a world where you had to watch every word you said to everyone else, your mate was the only one you could be yourself around.
As she’d said, it was supposed to be a beautiful thing.
But the thought of beginning the search for a mate turned my stomach, and I knew my reaction was unnatural. I had never heard of anyone who didn't want to find their mate. Most were desperate to have it happen, to find the person who completed them, but I'd never felt that way before. Before, I had been ambivalent to the idea, preferring to continue the life I was accustomed to.
Now, for some reason, I hated it with every fiber of my being.
Ignore all of this. Just paint. Just lose yourself in the moment. Let her prattle on about this mating nonsense. She won't mind. She's had more than one one-sided conversation with you.
It was true: my mother was quite accustomed to that, especially on this topic. She'd been pushing me for years to find a mate, and no matter how many times we talked about it, it always ended with me turning a deaf ear at some point or other.
It didn't help that as soon as I tuned her out, my thoughts veered back to Nina, to the confusing emotions she aroused in me, to the shameful behavior I had exhibited.
Aside from that, if I tried to dig deeper into the situation, I was only left more confused than I had been to begin with.
I couldn't reconcile my thoughts and feelings about what she did, about how she'd betrayed me on a deeper level than I had thought possible, and my innate desire to protect her.
I shared more of myself with her than I have ever shared with anyone else, and she was lying to me the entire time. Lying about who she was, about why she was here. Playing me for a fool. Did she laugh herself to sleep at night over the foolish vampire she was talking to?
It hurt to think that was the case, but it wasn't so unimaginable that I could turn it away as illogical. I didn't even know why she'd been here in the first place, but no doubt it had been to find out information on us, to find information on me.
At least I hadn't told her much.
But it wasn't what I had said as much as how I'd acted that embarrassed me. I'd been gentle with her, cared for her, and to think that she had just been playing along to get information from me, to think that she'd been laughing at me behind my back hurt too much to think about.
I knew the easy way out of that hurt, that shame and embarrassment: anger. I could give in to the anger that offered itself up, hate her with the same ferocity that I had given in to when I had first discovered her betrayal. It had been so easy, then, to allow it to eat me up and leave no room for anything else. It had taken all the pain and left me with nothing but burning anger to hide in.
That was the easy way out.
But ever since the battle, ever since she'd almost died and left me alone in the world...
Alone in the world? Since when is she that important to you?
But it couldn't be ignored that I had a desperate need to protect her, to keep her safe from the dangers of the world. It couldn't be ignored that the very idea of her being harmed made me see red. I had scooped her up off the battlefield, cradled her in my arms and spirited her away to lay her in my bed, the only place I knew she'd be safe.
And then I'd spared her life.
I knew I could never kill her, or stand to see her killed, but where did that leave me?
"Grayson, are you listening to me?" My mother's voice finally broke through my reverie, reminding me that she was here.
"I'm sorry, Mother. I didn't catch that."
"I said, what do you think of having a masquerade for one of the balls?"
"A masquerade?"
"Well, yes. I think it would be quite delightful and fun, and it would take some of the edge off of meeting the women. You wouldn't know who is who, so you could talk to them without having to worry about who they are. And, if we're careful, we could make sure that no one knows who you are, either. That way, you won’t have to worry about someone feigning interest in you for your throne."
I sighed. "Whatever you think is best, Mother."
How could she not see that I didn't care at all about the details of the balls? I didn't want to do any of this. No matter which way she spun it, or what options she gave me, I wasn't miraculously going to start caring about it.
Besides, I had more important matters on my mind at the moment. Like, what in the world was I going to do with Nina?
I didn't want her dead, despite the fact that her actions had earned that, and I didn't want to send her back to the dungeon, not anymore. In fact, before she had escaped and the castle had been attacked, I had been thinking of wanting to bring her back out.
And then she'd gone
and made the whole matter worse by escaping. That had only enraged the Council further.
I knew that what was happening now--her acting as a spy--couldn't last for long. What would I do when that was over?
A sigh escaped me. I was lost. I had no idea what to do with any of this--with the mating balls, with Nina, with the Council. It was all such a mess.
I pulled myself from my thoughts and looked at the canvas before me. I blinked in surprise when I saw what I had been painting.
It was Nina. Staring back at me with defiant eyes.
But I'd painted her as the hunter she was--not the thrall she'd been pretending to be.
What the hell?
Thank the Gods, my mother couldn't see it. If only I could pretend this hadn't happened.
What did it mean?
9
Nina
My throat was dry as I stared up at the gates in front of me--gates that led to Conall's compound, where the wolves lived. It was surreal to me to be there again and looking at the gates that led to what had been my home for the past few years. I'd been happy here, or at least I’d thought I was happy. Before I'd talked to Alex, I would have said that my life was absolutely perfect here.
Now, I wasn't sure of anything, and I didn't know what to do with that. I didn't know how to feel, or what to think of how I was feeling.
All I knew was that I had to follow orders, just as I had my entire life. Everything had been what everyone else told me to do. Never was it up to me to decide what I wanted to do.
What did I want to do?
There's no point in thinking about any of this, chiquita. You need to move forward now.
My abuelita's voice sounded in my head, the voice of reason. I hated to think what she might think of me if she saw me now, but that was always what she'd said. You couldn't go back, you could only go forward. And if the future was murky, you put one foot in front of the other and hoped for the best.
