by Sandra Grice
Big Ben walked the length of the bus and searched Johnny’s private living area. No Johnny. He checked the bathroom, and walked back up to the driver’s seat, looking in all of the seats along the way. He quickly jumped off the bus, picking up the pace of his search. He started walking between the eighteen wheelers that carried all of the show equipment.
He stopped when he got to the opposite side of the tour bus. There, he saw what appeared to be someone sitting in a lawn chair, about a hundred yards away. Johnny knew he had been spotted. It was a moonless night, as the clouds gathered, and he heard the distant rumble of thunder. Ben started walking cautiously toward him, trying to identify the stranger. Johnny took another drink.
“Johnny, is that you?”
Johnny did not answer, but waved a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels toward him. When Ben got close enough, Johnny could see the bewildered look on his face. It was no wonder. Johnny sat slouched in the chair wearing nothing but a baseball cap and a faded pair of shorts. His head was cocked over the back of the chair, and he was staring expressionless up at the sky. He looked like he was searching for something up there, something that continued to elude him.
“Johnny, what are you doing out here? What’s wrong, buddy? I thought we had an appointment with some good times tonight.”
Johnny’s head dropped and swiveled around to see Ben for the first time. He squinted then laughed. “Big Benny, hey man, when did you get here? How’d you like the music tonight? Was it great or what? Did you have a good time? You know you are a great friend, you really, really are.”
Ben shook his head. Johnny knew he had really gotten himself hammered in a hurry. His words were slurred and he squinted hard to focus on his buddy. Ben bent over and patted Johnny’s shoulder. “Okay, my man, looks like you decided to end your night a little early. Come on, let me help you get tucked back in the bus safe and sound.”
Ben reached down to help Johnny stand up, but Johnny resisted with a shrug. Ben loosened his grip and sat down next to Johnny. Both men knew that meant he was ready to ride it out with his drunken friend. It did not matter why they were there, or how long they would sit there. These were the times when true friendship was firmly established. Almost instantly, a light rain began to fall.
“Big Ben, you know behind all those clouds up there are a billion, no, no, a trillion stars in that big ole black sky. I came out here to see ’em tonight but can’t find ’em, man. I mean I know they are there, but I just can’t find ’em, you know.”
“Yea, I know, but these clouds are going to roll on out of here and then the stars will be right there for you. Like you said, you know they are there; they will be there for you. If not tonight, then tomorrow night they will come back, don’t worry. You just gotta have faith.”
“Ben, I got faith, you know I do. There is no way I could be here without faith. But, that’s not what I mean. It’s like, you know, everybody thinks I have it all, like I have it made. They think everything is easy for me. Do you know how many people tell me they would do anything to either be me or be with me?”
Johnny dropped his head and stared at the ground. He kicked a rock with his bare foot and did not care about the blood oozing from his wound. The rain became harder and washed his foot semi-clean. Johnny had never let anyone, except his beloved grandmother, see him so upset, so lost and distraught.
“I’m not following you, man. What does this have to do with anything? You have a great life. You worked hard for it and you deserve to enjoy it. I know no one knows how hard you work, because you make it look easy, like all professionals do. Just look at Michael Jordan. He makes it look effortless, and he works hard. Just like you, Johnny, the complete professional. That’s why it is okay to blow off the pressure sometimes. You’re going to be okay.” He patted Johnny’s knee to reassure him.
“Ben, Ben, Benny.” Johnny turned up the bottle and took a swig. “Where are my manners, man? Here, have some. It’s good stuff. Jack and I are as one sometimes.”
“That’s all right, you keep it. I think one of us definitely needs to stay sober tonight. Hey, bro, it’s really starting to come down out here. Are you about ready to call it a night?
“What’s wrong with you? The night is young and so are we. And this rain, man -- it is awesome, don’t you think? It’s like it washes all the impurities away, and lets us start fresh. Sometimes that’s what I wish I could do, start fresh. Maybe I could have done things a little differently. I have just given up so much for my music. And now everybody wants a piece of me, and sometimes I just got nothing left. I look at some of the other guys and their wives and I think wow, they really know how to hang on to love. I don’t think I know how to do that, Ben. It’s like everybody says they love me, but I’m still missing that one. You know that one that was meant for me. How do you find that one in the entire world that is right? That one that all the love songs are about? That one that makes you better, and makes you want to take another breath just because of them. I think I might have missed that one, like I turned a corner and went the wrong direction. Do you ever get this feeling that you have met that one, but just walked right on by because you were too busy doing what you were doing? God, I love my music but sometimes I don’t know if it is a gift from God, or a curse of the devil; two sides of the same coin my granddaddy used to say. You know, I never understood what that meant before. It just gives me so much, but it demands as much, maybe more.”
“Okay, I think you are talking out of your head now. You can have any girl you want. One day, when you have time to commit, you are not going to have any trouble finding the girl of your dreams. Meantime just enjoy the ride, bro, like we always do. It’s just not your time right now. Let it come to you; don’t press. Don’t make yourself crazy. It’s just not something you can pursue, not something all the hard work in the world will get you. That’s what makes it so hard for you, Johnny; it’s not something you can do anything about. You just always gotta keep your heart open and let it be. Come on, let’s get you out of the rain. You need to go sleep this off.”
“Ben, do you believe in God?” Johnny looked up pleadingly at Ben.
“Sure, I believe in God. It’d be crazy not to believe in God.”
“But what do you believe? I mean, is He punishing me because I blew any chance of real love with Kayla? Does He just give us one shot, and then does He just watch us mess up over and over again, and laugh at us?”
Ben ran his hand through his rain-soaked hair. Even drunk, Johnny was always his philosophical self. “Geez, Johnny, I don’t know. I guess I think He lets us make our own decisions. And if we do things that hurt other people or make them not believe in Him then I think He may punish us in some ways. But how are we supposed to know when it is Him punishing us, or it’s just something that is going to happen in life no matter what we do? I mean, good people go through tough times just as much as bad people do. Truth is, man, I guess I’ll never figure God out. I don’t think we are supposed to really – I mean He is God. But that doesn’t stop us from trying.”
“Do you try to talk to Him, Ben? You know, do you pray to Him?”
“Yea, I have. When things are really bad I think everyone prays, even people who say there is no God. You put them in a car that’s getting ready to go head on with a semi and they hit their knees too, buddy. And in a hurry at that.”
“I haven’t prayed in a long time. I used to a lot. My granny always told me to pray before every meal. And I used to pray for a break. I remember when I would thank Him for Kayla every day, every single day. Then I got what I asked for, and more, and I just stopped thinking about God. I think He is really mad at me, because I got what I wanted, and then just blew Him off.”
“Well, I don’t know about that, Johnny, but I do know we are not going to figure all of that out tonight. Let’s go; on your feet, man.”
Big Ben reached down and put both arms under Johnny’s armpits. He lifted him effortlessly and stood him on his feet. Johnny staggered forward and fel
l headlong into Big Ben’s chest. Ben threw his arms around him and patted his back.
“Okay, my man, let’s get you to the bus.”
By the time Ben managed to haul Johnny halfway to the bus, he stopped to rearrange the dead weight. The street light illuminated the two figures. Seeing Ben’s rain-soaked face, Johnny reached up and pulled Ben toward him. He kissed him on the cheek and slurred, “You are beautiful, big guy, but not my type.” Johnny laughed and love-tapped Ben’s right cheek.
Overcome by the alcoholic breath, Ben shook his head. Then he righted them both and placed Johnny’s arms over his shoulder. He stooped down to help Johnny walk. Johnny kept laughing and offered no help. It took some doing, but they covered the hundred yards and got on the bus.
“Well that took us as long to go that hundred as it takes you to run it, Johnny.”
“Oh come on now, don’t kick a guy when he is done, uh, I mean down,” Johnny hiccupped.
“You know I’m just kidding, J. I’d never kick you when you are down.”
“Yeah, well, just to make sure, take that.” Johnny gave Ben a good-natured shove that caught Ben off guard. He stumbled backwards and landed with a thud in a nearby bus seat. His big frame lodged uncomfortably in the under-sized space.
“Okay then,” he laughed. “It’s no bed of luxury, but I’ve slept in worse conditions. You owe me, especially when I wake up stiff in the morning.”
Big Ben kicked of his boots with finality. “Go sleep it off, Johnny. Everything will be better in the morning.”
Johnny half-staggered to the rear of the bus. “If you say so,” he said quietly over his shoulder. And yes, my friend, I do owe you. God, if You are listening, and we have not made You too angry at us, we have a lot of questions down here. And we could really use some answers.
“Night, John Boy,” Ben yelled above the driving rain.
It was the last thing Johnny heard before he hit the bed. He was out cold, finally at peace, at least for this night. His friend Jack had done just what Johnny had asked of him – took away the pain, for now anyway.
THE LONE SEEKER
Neither Johnny nor Ben had any idea that they had been watched. Jason had warned Johnny hundreds of times that he should never assume he was alone. Johnny listened, or at least pretended to, but never let the advice alter his lifestyle. But tonight was the night all Jason’s warnings had been about. There were indeed people out to make money off of him.
Wilson Wright slid the camera back into its case, happy he had invested in the night vision lens. He knew he had a roll of real money- making pictures this time. He would sell them to the highest bidder, and there was sure to be some high bidders. His speed shuttle had captured about three dozen shots of Johnny Clark, the hottest name in country music. The photos showed Johnny in intimate, and somewhat compromising, positions with one of the big guys who worked on his crew.
Wright had been following Johnny for some time now, trying to get the big picture, and tonight was the mother lode. The guy with Johnny was an employee who frequently accompanied Johnny to bars and private parties. His research had traced the two back to their college days together, and had identified Johnny’s buddy as Ben Barr. There was plenty of information for an interesting, and controversial, article to accompany the night’s covert work. The amazing photo shots would seal the deal.
The journalist thought for a moment about the title. Maybe something like “Johnny Clark Comes Out in Big Way,” or even “Clark Gives Personal Performance in Dallas Parking Lot.” More work needed to be done on that. He patted his camera case and laughed. Thank you, Johnny boy. You are going to make me a big chunk of change.
Wright tossed his gear into the front seat, and fell in behind the steering wheel. His rotund belly juggled, and he grunted loudly. The man who had hired him to follow Johnny paid him a flat rate and allowed him to sell what he got to the highest bidder on top of the salary. He pulled out his list of phone numbers and fixed on the third one down. It was hard to know if excitement or exertion made his pulse race. Whatever, it did not matter to him right now. What mattered was that there was money to be made. Big, fast, easy money. He drove south for two blocks, struggled out of his car, and went to the pay phone. In five minutes the deal was made. For thirty-five thousand dollars Johnny Clark’s tainted reputation would be on the front pages of the magazine tomorrow morning.
The beat-up Ford made its way through the alley and directly to the magazine headquarters. They would have to act fast to get the story in the issue due tomorrow, but when they had a big story like this, they could move mountains. Wright turned on the radio and took his last draw on his cigarette. He laughed with maniacal delight when he heard Johnny singing about some lost love. “Oh, Johnny, just wait until tomorrow, buddy. I don’t think you will be singing so much about tonight, huh? Ha, ha, ha, poor Johnny. Poor chump.”
Morning came too quickly. Johnny lay sprawled in his bed, the same way he had landed last night. His shorts were still damp from the rain, and his foot, sticking out from under a sheet, had a big gash out of it. He was semi-awake when he heard a light tap on the door. Jason tapped on the door a second time and walked in, uninvited. Johnny merely winced in pain.
Jason leaned over and shook him hard. “Johnny, get up, we have a lot to talk about. Come on, you have no time to sleep. We have to fix this mess you have got yourself into.”
Johnny roused and opened one eye. “Jason, what are you doing here? Are we already in Chicago? What time is it?” Questions spilled out as he tried to understand what was going on.
“No, we are still in the parking lot in Dallas. It is eight o’clock in the morning of one of the worst days of your career, thanks to your poor judgment and that so-called friend of yours.”
Johnny rose on his elbows and stared at Jason. His head was groggy; he hated the lack of clarity. Vague recollection of the evening made him angry with himself. But still, he had no idea what Jason was going on about. He got up and washed his face, while Jason kept yelling at him.
Jason suddenly turned and walked back out to where Big Ben was still sleeping. Johnny, still perplexed, followed.
Big Ben was awakened rudely by a violent tug on his leg. Half in and half out of the bus seat, he opened his eyes to see Jason Crownfield glaring down at him.
“I knew I should have never let Johnny hire you. You have been nothing but a liability waiting to happen, and now you did just what I knew you would do. You and your selfish partying ways have ruined Johnny. Everything I have done to build his reputation has been ruined by you. I want you off this bus and off the payroll now. If you know what is good for you, and for Johnny, you will get as far away from him as you can and stay there. You have hurt him badly and I’m not sure how we are going to repair this PR disaster.”
Ben struggled to get up from between the seats, but his size worked against him. He was still in pretty good shape, but not nearly as agile as he had been in his playing days. Neither he nor Johnny had an idea what Jason was talking about. But it was evident that as soon as he got up, he was going to shut Jason’s mouth with one good punch.
Jason turned back to his client again. “Johnny, what were you doing? What were you thinking? Don’t you understand how important and fragile your image is? Don’t you know that all you have to do is listen to me? And if you do everything I say you will be a star for a very long time.”
Johnny’s face colored in a rare burst of anger. He growled at Jason, “All I understand right now is that your yelling is getting on my nerves, and I’m about two seconds from firing your butt. Now you better start explaining all of this or you are out the door for good. Because right now I cannot think of a single reason why I want to keep you around here anymore.”
Jason gritted his teeth and grunted. “Here, see if this is a good enough reason to keep me around. I’m not the one who needs to be packing his bags, Johnny boy.”
He threw the magazine he had been holding onto the seat in front of Johnny. It opened to some o
dd pictures of what appeared to be two men in some kind of embrace. Johnny reached over and picked up the tabloid.
“What’s this? You know I never pay any attention to this garbage. Oh!”
Johnny looked at the rag and saw himself and Big Ben in what looked like an intimate embrace. He shook his head in disbelief. The headline read “Say It Ain’t So, Johnny!”
Ben had finally made it to his feet. He stood inches from Jason. “I want to know what in the world is going on, and why I shouldn’t put you in the ground right now, Crownfield!”
“Ben, don’t!”
Johnny walked over and shoved the magazine in Ben’s gut. He could not bear to look at either of them. Instead, he just stared out the window.
Ben looked at the tabloid in bewilderment. “Johnny, what? Who?”
“I’ll tell you what and who, Mr. Barr. Because of you, Johnny has a career-threatening issue plastered all over America right now. I knew you were trouble. Look, I don’t care what you think about me, but if Johnny really is your friend, you will go now. Pack your bags and leave quietly. Just say goodbye right now and put as much distance between yourself and Johnny as you can.”
“Jason, you know there is nothing to this! Ben just found me drunk and in a mood and was helping me out,” Johnny blurted out.
“The truth does not matter in the world of image-making. People believe what they want to believe, and sadly there are a lot of people that believe anything they see in print. It doesn’t matter what really happened. What matters is that millions of people are going to see this. And who knows the impact that is going to have on your popularity and career.”
“What are you talking about? The truth always matters.”
Ben raised his hand. “No, Johnny, Jason is right. As much as I hate this guy, he is right. My presence will do nothing but feed the rumor mill and distract people from who you really are. I am not going to be the one who stands between your music and all of your fans. You know there are kids out there that really look up to you. They play their air guitars and sing into their pretend microphones. What are they going to do if they think the person they want to grow up to be is gay? I mean, I got no problem with gay people, and I know you don’t, but it matters a lot to most of your fans. I gotta go, man. I’m just sorry that this happened. If I ever get my hands on the scum that took these pictures, I will tear him from limb to limb. And I’ll enjoy every minute of it.”