by Ashley Love
She winks at me. "Not so squirrelly anymore." I blush and laugh a little.
She looks at us reminiscently and I know all she sees is an 18-year-old me and a 21-year-old Lex sharing cheese fries after my shift and blowing straw papers at each other. "It's so crazy to see the two of you still together." She sighs. Crazy is not even the word.
"Well, you know, I just can't get rid of her." He nudges my foot under the table and I narrow my eyes at his comment.
"More like I can't get rid of you," I bark back softly and he chuckles.
"That, too."
"Alright you two, what's it gonna be? Am I gonna have to bring out the menu? Has it been that long?" Lisa teases us, and Lex gives her a look of disbelief.
"Hell no. I want that cheese steak thing, you already know." He rubs his hands together anxiously.
"You sure you don't want the fries?" She smirks and his face pulls into serious contemplation.
"Oooh, don't tempt me." He looks at her pathetically before giving me somewhat of a pleading look.
I roll my eyes and tell her politely, "Bring me the fries. And cut his sandwich in half." I give him a bright smile and he scowls. Whatever, he knows I would eat off of his plate regardless.
"You got it. I'll put it in, special delivery."
She winks and starts to turn away but I ask quickly before she can go, "Is Hal still back there?"
"Still grillin' away."
Hearing this makes me excited and dreadful at the same time. As much as I want to see him, I was a completely different person when I was last here. I was young. I talked about my dreams, my goals. I had a plan. A plan that's long since gone up in smoke after I left here.
"And Pete?"
"Of course. Him and Carmen had a baby last year. Rosie. She's precious."
I smile when she says it. Seems like everyone's moved on with life while Lex and I were stuck in some alternate universe somewhere. Even little Joey grew up.
"It's about time. Tell them I said hi when you go back there," I say softly and it's a bittersweet feeling, to be happy and sad at the same time.
“Well you better get your butt up and go see them!” she chides with a laugh. “You know that—”
“Is that my little bean sprout I see?” He still sounds like he’s been smoking for thirty years, and when I look over toward the kitchen doors, I see Hal’s big smile and few sprigs of white hair that refuse to fall out like the rest already has.
He scuttles across the room and when I stand to meet him he grabs me in a big hug, squeezing me around my middle because his head barely comes up to my shoulder. I laugh as he puts his arm around me and turns me toward Lisa and Lex, beaming like a proud papa.
“I swear to God this is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. Tell me you’ve seen a more beautiful girl in the world, and I’ll say you’re a liar.”
They both laugh and I blush furiously despite how many times I used to hear this speech about myself. He reaches up to grab my face, squeezing my cheeks just barely.
“Just look at that face. How have ya been, sweetheart?”
“I’ve been alright, and you?” I manage through my laughter and embarrassment.
“Oh, nobody wants to hear my tired old tales. Tell me about you and your adventures. Tell me about how you’re changing the world.” He squeezes me tighter, shaking me a little, and I try not to let my smile fade.
“Hal, I’ve got an order up for you. Special delivery for these two,” Lisa interrupts nervously and I give her a look of gratitude. She knows as much as I do that I can’t bear to crush Hal with what has really been happening to me since I left here. She scribbles something onto an order sheet and pushes it into his hand gently.
His smile increases tenfold, if that’s possible. “Oh, well I’d be honored. But when I come back I wanna hear those stories, sprout.” He punches my shoulder lightly and I just nod.
“Sure thing.” I smile just to keep from crying as I watch him walk away.
“I’m gonna step outside for a minute,” Lex says softly, sliding out of the booth and giving my elbow a squeeze as he steps past me and continues out the door. I fall back behind my side of the table, a little flustered with all that’s taken place in this short span of me being here. Lisa sits down across from me.
“I almost forgot to tell you who came in a few days ago. That little friend of yours…Samantha.”
As if there hadn’t already been enough she’d informed me of, this is definitely news to me.
“Sam?” I croak out, clearing my throat and reaching for the water glass that a busboy had brought to the table when Lex and I arrived.
“Yeah.”
“She…she was here?”
“Mmhmm, just moved back into town. She sat in her usual corner booth, had a mighty handsome young man with her. We had quite a talk.”
I feel my throat closing up slightly. I take a drink quickly.
“How is she?” I finally steel myself, setting my hands flat on the table as if it gives me some balance or support. Everything else feels a little unstable.
“She’s great. She was more interested in talking about you, though. I told her little bits and pieces I’d picked up here and there. She pretty much filled in the rest for me.” Her dark eyes tell me more than her words.
“Wow.” I swallow hard, searching for the words, some sort of explanation for this, for myself, but there’s none. “S-so I guess you know…everything.”
“The important thing is that you’re better, honey,” Lisa finally says with a little bit of caution as she slides her hand across the table to cover mine, but it doesn’t really make me feel better. “That’s something you should be proud to say.”
I sigh and look down at the table top because while she’s telling me I should be proud I’m mostly mortified. These people were my family. Not my real family, but they almost meant as much to me. Disappointing them is no easier to bear than disappointing my own flesh and blood.
“I never should’ve screwed up so bad in the first place.”
“Well that’s life. You just gotta get back out there and try again.” She gives my hand a squeeze and I nod before looking up at her again. She asks with concern, “How’s Lex?” and gives me a small smile.
I look out the window and her gaze follows mine. We both watch him for a second, standing on the curb, one hand putting a cigarette to his mouth while the other hides away in his jacket pocket, his shoulders shrugged up to block the cold wind from his neck. The breeze takes the smoke away quickly as he exhales.
I look back at her but she’s still watching Lex. “What’d Sam tell you?”
“Not much,” she says absently, eyes still trained on him and I see the sadness there when she looks at him and thinks about us. She shakes her head before looking back at me. “She didn’t seem interested in talking about him.”
“'Cause she hates him,” I reply with a shrug and sympathy gently washes over her features.
“Well, she seems to think she has a good reason. She just wants to see you happy.” She pulls her hand away from mine and folds her arms on the table, eyes still looking into mine.
We sit there for a long moment, having a conversation without words. She says that Sam wants to see me happy, and the way she’s looking at me now is almost asking if I am, if this is really what I want. It’s hard, it’s hard to see the sadness in her eyes and tell her that while this may look like a really, really fucked up situation from the outside, and it may not be exactly what I want, I don’t want to run away from it. She shouldn’t feel bad for me, because I made this choice.
I look out the window again. I look at Lex. I don’t want to run away from this, because I don’t want to run away from him. That’s really what this is about now. It’s not about me being stuck anymore, dependent. There is absolutely nothing more that I need from him. I just know that he can’t do this alone. If I leave things will never get better. Maybe for me, but not for him.
“She just wants to see you happy, Leala,” Lisa says again, as if I hadn’t heard her the first time, but I know. I know everyone just wants the best for me. But looking at him, I know that the best for me is second place in my heart right now. So I just tell her. I just tell her the real reason why I’m still in this big fucking mess.
“I just wanna see him happy.”
24
The warmth of the heater in the apartment is a welcomed feeling when we finally get back. It’s barely past midday but this has been one of the most bitter Januarys I’ve ever felt in L.A. even with the afternoon sun out.
“Well that was…”
“Interesting,” Lex finishes as we shrug our jackets off and I breathe out a nervous laugh.
“Yeah.” I nod, thinking back on the afternoon. “It was pretty crazy being back there, around everyone.” I look at him and he nods, smiling a little
“It was cool though, you know. Everybody was cool.” He sinks into my armchair with a sigh and I perch myself on the arm of the couch closest to him, one foot on the floor as the other dangles. I watch it swing back and forth, just thinking, waiting for my courage to build a little before I look over at him again.
“Lex…can I ask you something?”
He gives me a curious look. I think my tone was a little more serious than I intended. “Yeah.” He folds his hands on his stomach.
“Are you…scared?”
He cocks his head a little at me. “Of what?”
I answer slowly. “I mean, of what might happen.”
“I told you Robson’s trying to work it out.” He stiffens a little and I look down to pull at a loose thread on the outside of my jeans, breaking eye contact with him in hopes that he’ll maybe let his guard down if this whole thing doesn’t seem so imploring.
“Yeah, but…you never know.”
He sighs. “I know. I mean, it’s crossed my mind, what might happen. But you know, the truth of the shit is…” He trails and I wait. I wait as long as I fucking can and I give him room and time to say it, just say it.
I finally look up at him. “Is what?” I ask quietly.
“Is that I’m gonna have serious fucking heartburn from that cheese steak.” He grins, extending his leg out to kick the bottom of my foot with his own. I laugh and shake my head, and just like that the moment is lost. But I suppose lost in a laugh is better than lost in a fight. We almost feel normal on days like this.
The sound of his phone ringing makes him stand suddenly, fishing haphazardly into his front pocket for his cell. When he plucks it out something small flutters down from his hand, but he’s busy reading the ID screen.
“Shit I gotta take this,” he breathes nervously and paces quickly toward the door. “Tell me good news,” he says as soon as the flips the phone open.
I almost forget about that little fluttering item.
The door snaps shut behind him.
I almost forget.
I stare at it. It’s small and square and it makes me nervous because I think…I think…I know what it is. I don’t want to know but I think I do. It makes my heart race. I want to throw up and I want to scream and I want to look away and look back and it suddenly disappears. It needs to disappear, because if it doesn’t…
I want it.
I cover my mouth with my hand and I don't even say anything. Just thinking this is bad enough. Stop. Stopstopstop. I just stare at it.
Then I get up.
I get cottonmouth instantly. I’m not just looking at them anymore, I’m fucking holding them. Drugs. The rush is unbelievable. Mixed with the dread in the pit of my stomach it’s enough to make me lightheaded, like going downhill on a really fucking tall rollercoaster or that weird thing that an elevator does.
I sink down sloppily onto the couch, unable to tear my eyes away from them right there in the palm of my hand but more unable to bear the weight on my legs right now while I’m standing. I can’t believe this is fucking happening.
I want it.
I want it so fucking bad. Just eat it, really quick, all of it. Lex will never know it’s gone. I feel tears sting my eyes. I’m supposed to be stronger than this.
“What the fuck are you doing?” I hear his voice somewhere in the distance but my head is in a tunnel. Like a rock concert when you stand next to the speakers and you can’t hear a fucking thing for the rest of the night. Like everyone is talking with their hands over their mouths. “Leala, what the fuck are you doing?”
“I could ask you the same thing, but it’s pretty evident.” A calm washes over me. I’m still staring at them. Need turns to anger. “How long have you been hiding this from me, Lex?” I don’t even look at him. I hate him.
“What? No, I just—”
“Stop. Just fucking stop. I know it’s just gonna be another lie.” Something inhuman boils in my blood. I’ve never felt this way in my entire life. “Staying here to stay out of trouble?” I push out a laugh in disbelief. How stupid. What a stupid naïve little girl I am. And him…what a worthless, despicable, manipulative man. “Did you think I wouldn’t find out? That I wouldn’t notice?”
“I-I don’t know. Look—”
“No, you look! Look at this!” I shoot up from the couch with rage and he steps back. I shake the baggie mercilessly. “You brought drugs…drugs…into my fucking house! I’m protecting you! I’m trying to help you!”
“I know! And—”
“Yeah you do know. You know exactly what I’m doing, what I’m trying to do for you, and you do this to me anyway! Behind my fucking back!” I take two steps closer to him and he swallows hard. “It’s one thing to talk to me about it, to tell me you feel weak and you need something, some kind of help, but you just can’t seem to fucking do that! And look who’s paying the price!!”
“Don’t do this,” he says softly, something in his eyes pleading. I would be fucking pleading too if I were him. I’m in my right mind to kill the bastard. He probably sees it coming,
“Don’t do this?” I look at him incredulously. “Don’t do this?!” I scoff, and then I fucking break down.
I muster up all of my strength and might, and throw the baggie at him, but it’s utterly weightless and simply floats to the ground, mocking me. I feel like the biggest idiot, but it’s overshadowed by my barely containable hatred for him at this very moment. I see red when he comes near me.
“Don’t you fucking touch me!” I shriek when he tries to grab me and pull me close to him. “How could you, Lex?! How dare you!”
He opens his mouth but only gets my name out before I hit him. Over and over I hit his chest and shoulders and I push him against the door, I shove him hard and furious and tears pool in my eyes, spilling over.
“After everything I’ve done for you! How could you do this to me!?” I choke on a sob and it feels like my chest rips open. I stumble back against the arm of the couch and lean against it, needing something to support my weight. “After EVERYTHING!” I scream, redfaced, clutching my chest, and I double over with my face in my hands, my screams a little muffled but I don’t even care enough to pull my hands away. “I bailed you out of fucking jail! I went to your house…your fucking house with all your fucking drugs!” My attempts to wipe at my face are futile. “And in the truck…in the truck…and you didn’t even care!”
I cough and sputter, my hands soaked with my tears still pressed against my face, Lex silent across the room, still leaning against the door where I pushed him.
“You fucked me like an animal in the back of your truck and you didn’t even care!”
As the last word tears from my throat I slide down to my knees and fall over to the side onto my hip, barely managing to pull my legs from under me to clutch them desperately against my chest.
“You never cared,” I whimper into my denim-clad knees, the sound echoing and dying at the same time. “And now you’re here…and you still don’t fucking care.”
My ears ring from my s
creams as the room falls silent except for my cries, and when I hear the thud of his boots crossing the floor my heart constricts, pounding just to send blood into my body, trying to keep me alive because right now I just feel like I want to die. I feel him standing over me and I hear the rustle of his jeans when he kneels down in front of me. As soon as I feel his hands on me I raise my head slowly to look at him, my eyes swollen and red and wet with remnants of tears shed and the beginnings of new ones. The hate in my gaze makes him pull back slightly.
“Leala…” he starts quietly, and the look on his face says it all, that he has no idea what to fucking say. And I’m glad because right now nothing he could think up in that fucked up brain of his would take away any of the pain he’s caused me, that he keeps causing me, that he’ll never stop causing me as long as I fucking let him.
I don’t think I can let him anymore.
My throat is raw from screaming, my lips trembling. “Get away from me.” My voice isn’t the only thing that’s barely strong enough to let me say it.
And when he walks out the door, I only hate him more for making me wonder if he’s coming back.
25
“Morning.”
He has the nerve to speak to me when I finally stumble into the living room, but it’s hardly morning, the afternoon sun cutting angrily through the blinds. I don’t even look at him. I can barely see anyway because my eyes are practically swollen shut from fucking crying, so I guess I should say I don’t turn my head in his general direction.
He came back last night. I’m beyond caring. I don’t know where he was or if he was okay or how fucking high he got. I don’t fucking care anymore. I have to keep telling myself that. Last night was just a testament to how really fucked up I still am. I mean, I should be able to function with him not here. I really need to get my shit together.
I spent the night in varying stages of hysteria. I really couldn’t believe what had just happened. I had actually told him to get out. And the second the door clicked shut behind him, I lost it. He didn’t even slam the door, which would’ve pissed me off and given way to angry tears, which would’ve been a little more justifiable. But he just stood up and slowly walked out, like I had just grounded him and sent him to his room or something.
