She did that thing with her lower lip. “I go through phases.”
He leaned on the counter top, facing her across it. “Is that what I am, Maxine? A phase?”
“No.” Anger flickered through her eyes. “And just because I’m moving out doesn’t mean I’m giving up on you. I think we both need some time to figure some things out.” She glanced behind him, and he guessed it was at Jennie’s picture. “I wasn’t counting on fighting a ghost, Sam. Especially not Jennie’s ghost.”
He nodded, not sure how he felt at her statement about not giving up. “It’s not going to work out between us.”
Her eyes narrowed. “How can you say that after everything that’s happened?”
“I can say it because of everything that’s happened. It always worked against us.”
“What did?”
“Fate. Chemistry. Karma.” He waved his hand. “Whatever you call it.”
She leaned across the counter until she was only a few inches from him. Something about her smelled light and sweet, making him lick his lips before he could think better of it.
“Sam, you don’t believe in fate and karma. You can’t see it, you can’t follow it or investigate it. Therefore, it doesn’t exist.”
He felt his eyebrow involuntarily twitch. “As I recall, those were the words you used when you asked for a divorce. Fate wasn’t in our corner; our chemistry went bad; our karma wasn’t right.”
She leaned even closer, and he fought the urge to lick his lips again. She was so close, he’d probably lick her lips in the process.
“I don’t believe in fate. I happen to know there’s a higher force, and that force says we are meant to be together. You don’t know what I went through to get another chance with you.”
“You got hit on the head. Nearly run over. And almost got kidnapped. What did it all accomplish, really? It made me realize I was in love with someone else.”
“She’s dead, Sam.”
“I know. I was there, remember?” His tone had gotten harsh on those last words, and he reigned in his anger.
She opened her mouth, then closed it without saying anything. Her eyes never left his. “I have to go,” she said finally.
“Let me take your suitcase to your car.”
“No, I can manage.”
He walked over and picked it up anyway, then followed her down to her car. She took a quick breath, expelling it in a puff of fog. The cold had reddened her nose, and the wind blew her hair over her cheek. When she looked at him, her bare vulnerability stabbed him right in the gut.
“Do you still want me to work with you?” she asked.
“Yeah, I still want you to work with me.” He looked away, then back at her. “Why don’t you come in tomorrow? You’ll need today to get settled.” He pulled the office key off his ring. “Here’s the key. I have an extra at home. The alarm code is—”
“Your birth date backwards with a zero on either end,” she said.
He narrowed his eyes at her. “How’d you know that?”
“A lucky guess.”
“You know, you have a lot of lucky guesses.”
She gave him a sad smile. “Yeah, but not a lot of luck.”
“Don’t tell anyone where you’re staying. Especially anyone in the Santini household.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow.”
He nodded, then closed the door after she’d gotten inside. Her brake lights flashed in the distance before she turned the corner and disappeared. He had to push himself to go back inside. Even though Romeo greeted him with a low woof and wagging tail, it felt empty in his apartment. The coffee cup she’d used was still sitting on the counter, still half-filled with coffee. He inhaled the scent of vanilla, closing his eyes for a moment.
He could still smell Maxine herself, that light, sweet scent filling his head. The back of his head started throbbing again, a dull, pulsing ache. He walked to the window and pressed his forehead to the glass, looking out over the rooftops and the gray skies beyond. He wondered if the fates he didn’t believe in were trying to drive him nuts. It was going to be a short trip at this rate.
Maxine took deep breaths as she pulled up to her old apartment building. Gabby usually slept in late, but Maxine would make it up to her if she woke her too early.
Sometimes when she wasn’t expecting it, her future would stretch out before her like a great void. That vision filled her with a fear and loneliness that ran a spike of ice through her. Along with that image came the bleakness in Sam’s eyes. The only thing that kept her from drowning was something else in his eyes when he’d watched her pack. She had herself almost fooled that he hadn’t wanted her to leave. He was probably rejoicing now.
Maxine preached patience to herself as she kept knocking. Remember how long everything took back then? Finally, Gabby came to the door, her face flushed with sleep.
“Jennie—” She glanced backward for a second. “Maxine, what’s wrong?”
“Can I come in?”
That second’s hesitation worried her, but Gabby rolled backwards. “Sure.”
Maxine found a seat at the kitchen table, curling and uncurling her fingers. Gabby glanced back toward the rooms again.
“Do you have someone here?” she asked, not sure whether to be happy or not.
Gabby’s flush turned into a blush. “Yes. He’s asleep right now.”
For just one little moment, Maxine could forget her problems and smile. “Who?”
“Rick.”
“Gabby,” she whispered, hugging her friend. “It’s about time.”
Gabby didn’t hide the smile. Wow, she was beautiful when she smiled like that.
“I know. I’m sorry I waited so long.”
Maxine knew that feeling. “Well, what finally turned on the light bulb for you? The pep talks he’d give you? Harassing you about your foul attitude? A promise to lower your rent?”
Gabby laughed, but that softness returned to her face. “Part of it was his attitude. I tried very hard to stay bitter and angry about my life and…well, him.” Maxine knew she meant her ex-boyfriend. “Part of it was the pep talks you gave me, telling me how much he liked me, how good he’d be for me. What really hit the switch was the virtual reality thing he was telling me about last time you were here. His friend wrote a program just for Rick, and he scanned both our faces in. When we put the VR helmets on, I saw him standing there. I looked down and saw my legs again. Then he asked me to dance. Dancing with him was incredible.”
Maxine’s throat tightened at the mention of dancing, but her smile won over. “I’m so happy for you, I really am.”
“Mostly what made me fall in love with him was that he didn’t give up. You didn’t give up on me either, but you’re not my type.”
“Well, I’m glad of that.” Maxine felt a new resolve. “No giving up.”
Gabby’s smile disappeared. “I take it by your expression that things aren’t going as well on your end? I expected you to be glowing, too.”
“I had my moment,” she said quickly. She flattened her hands on the table, leaning closer to Gabby. “I hate to even talk about my problems when you’re so happy.”
“I’ll be happier if you’re happy. I know, you think I’m too selfish for that, but I owe you. Even if you do have legs that work again, for which I heap tons of jealousy on you.” Gabby smiled the smile of a friend, reminding Maxine just how precious those were in a person’s life. “Talk to me.”
Maxine let out a long breath, watching her fingers tap on the table’s surface. “You’re not going to believe this.”
“What?”
Another breath. “Sam was in love with Jennie. Is in love with her.”
“No,” she said, drawing the word out. “With Jennie?”
“Oh, yes. That plain, boring girl in a wheelchair who thought Sam would never see anything beautiful in her. I should have seen the warning signs. He told me that Jennie was the most beautiful woman he’d ever known.”
“You were prett
y…”
“Maybe I’d give myself pretty.” Maxine shrugged her shoulders. “Maybe. But beautiful? Come on. You’re beautiful. I wasn’t.”
“Sam saw beautiful,” Gabby said dreamily. “So did he tell you how he felt about Jennie out of the blue?”
Maxine laughed, a strangled sound filled with anguish. “Not quite as simple as that. We had to make love before it finally came out. Oh, Gabby, it was the most exquisite thing I have ever felt. Physically and emotionally. I didn’t remember everything you told me, but I didn’t have to. It was…karma. It was so beautiful.” The glow drifted from her expression. “Afterward, he told me he saw Jennie when we made love.”
Gabby put her hand over her mouth.
“He never knew he felt that way about her—me. I somehow reminded him of her when we made love, and now he feels guilty and probably messed up. As a matter of fact, I feel the same way.”
“But it’s easy.”
“I can’t tell him I’m Jennie. I tried to bring it up, and he rejected the idea immediately.”
“I was going to say, just be Jennie. In every way you know how. Give him Jennie back.”
Maxine pressed her hand to her forehead, feeling the edge of the bandage. “That’s the problem, Gabby. I can’t be Jennie anymore.”
“Well, that’s silly. I mean, technically you still are her. You.”
Maxine shook her head. “I was paralyzed at the time in my life where my individuality and self-image were forming. Everything Jennie was, was in that wheelchair, that lifestyle. Unlike you, I never knew who I really was without being Jennie-the-paraplegic. Now I’m not paralyzed, not even in the same body. I don’t know who I am anymore. Some of Jennie is in me, and some of Maxine too, I think. I like who I am now. But I’m not Jennie.”
Gabby just looked at her for a moment. “I don’t know what to even tell you. I know what you mean about identity being wrapped up in who you are, but Sam is in love with the person you were inside. Surely, there’s enough of that in you to make him fall in love with you as Maxine.”
“That must be what Sam sees, what reminds him of Jennie, but it’s not drawing him to me, believe me. He’s running fast in the opposite direction. You should have seen the pain in his eyes, Gabby. I wanted to take it away so badly, but I couldn’t. I can’t give him Jennie. And you know what’s really weird? I’m jealous of Jennie now.” She laughed, shaking her head. “I look at that picture he got from you and I want to throw it away. It’s crazy. I’m competing with myself. Or with my ghost. I told him I wasn’t counting on competing with a ghost.”
“What did he say?”
“He said we weren’t going to make it.” Her throat tightened, and she squeezed her eyes shut against the tears she’d been fighting all morning. “I can’t bear that thought.”
“Maybe you didn’t come back for him, Jen—Maxine. It could have been for some other reason.”
Maxine shook her head. “No, it was for Sam. I know it was for Sam.” She rubbed her nose. “I moved out of his apartment this morning.”
“Why? I thought someone was after you.”
“It was Armand, and he’s in custody. He wacked out and tried to kidnap me.” Maxine smiled wryly. “For my own good.”
“What?”
“He thought Sam had brainwashed me and that’s why I didn’t love him anymore.” At Gabby’s horrified expression, she added, “It wasn’t that big a deal. I mean, it was scary, but Sam was right there.” She shook her head, not wanting to get into all the details. “Anyway, I don’t have reason to stay with him now, and he didn’t ask. He did ask me to work for him for a couple weeks.”
“That’s a start.”
“I think he just felt bad. Now I’m afraid he’s still going to close up his agency, and all because of Jennie. All those years I thought I was so powerless, so unimportant. I had it all, and I never even knew it.”
“You’ve gone through a lot in the past few days, haven’t you?” she said softly.
“You don’t know the half of it.”
“Do you have a place to stay?” When Maxine woefully shook her head, Gabby said, “Your old room is still available if you’d like. It’d be kind of like old times.”
Maxine smiled. “I brought shrimp for dinner.”
“I’ve missed your cooking almost as much as I’ve missed you.”
“Uh oh, girl talk,” a rusty voice said as Rick rolled into the kitchen. His grin was one hundred watts. “Maxine, right?”
“Right.” Maxine couldn’t help returning his smile. He was proof that persistence paid off. “Good to see you again.”
He had the decency to look a little sheepish. “Even if I look rough first thing in the morning?”
“Yeah, even then. It’s good to know my friend is being well cared for.”
Gabby blushed, then wheeled to the coffeemaker. “I can take care of myself, Maxine. I have been for a while now.”
Maxine leaned her hip against the counter. “Yeah, but sometimes it’s nice to let someone else pretend they’re doing it. Remember, taking a chance is good for the soul.”
It was a sweet melancholy that wrapped around Maxine as she took the steps up to the office the next morning. She twisted the gold band on her right hand, a habit she’d fallen into in the last day or so. That ring felt so right, even if it was on the wrong hand. Someday she wanted a new ring, and she wanted Sam to slide it on her finger. In her dreams, she had envisioned herself rolling down the aisle with her dress wadded up in her lap. Now, she could dream of taking those monumental steps most brides got to take.
She pushed open the door and was engulfed by sweet familiarity. Sam’s voice in the background, the aroma of coffee brewing, and Romeo tilting his head to see who was coming through the door. His tail wagged as she knelt down to rub her cheek against his head. Although she wasn’t ready to see Sam yet, Romeo was almost as bad—he was part of Sam’s life. She was on the outer fringes. Gawd, now I’m even jealous of the dog.
She pointed her finger at Romeo and made a soft exploding sound. Romeo instantly dropped down and “died” for her. She bit her lip, holding back the smile at winning over at least one member of Sam’s little family.
“I just can’t imagine that dog liking you so much,” Sam’s voice said from too near for him to be on the phone. He was leaning against the door frame watching her.
From her kneeling position, she glanced up at him with a sheepish look. “Am I that hard to like, Sam?” she asked as she stood.
He ran his fingers down the hairs of his moustache. “Nah. But you’re awfully hard to tease. You take everything so personally.”
“I think you know why.”
They stood there for a moment, looking at each other and not knowing what else to say. She had plenty to say to him, but right then wasn’t the time to say it. All she knew was that she had to stay in his life, one way or another. She had to believe that Sam would eventually get over Jennie’s loss. When he did, Maxine wanted to be close by.
Romeo was the one to break up the taut silence with a flappy-lipped sigh, a subtle reminder that he was still “dead” and waiting to be revived.
“Good boy,” she said in the same tone Sam had used. It worked, because Romeo lurched upward and shook himself, sending his ears out straight. Maxine walked over to her desk and opened the drawer that held the box of dog treats. When she tossed one to Romeo, Sam was staring at her in a strange way.
“How did you know there were treats in there?” he asked, then raised his hand. “I know, a lucky guess, right?”
“I, uh, saw them when I was here before.” She threw another one at Romeo and put the box away. When she turned back, Sam was still staring at her. “What?”
He shook his head. “I don’t know.” After a moment, he glanced out the window. “You know, I almost envy Armand.”
“You do?”
“Yeah. It must be nice to get it over with when you’re living on the edge of insanity.”
“Oh, Sam. You�
�ll be fine.” She lowered her voice. “You’ll be better if you let me help.”
“You’re the reason I feel this way.” He looked back at her. “Jennie’s death was hard enough. Then you come in and act completely different than what I remember, asking for a second chance, and…” He just looked at her. “I don’t know.” He walked over and handed her a tiny transcription tape. “There’s a final report and bill on there. I know I said I’d need your help for a week or so, but everything is wrapped up for now, and I need some time off. After today, I’m closed. For a while,” he added at her panicked look. “I’ll pay you for two weeks.”
“I’m not worried about the money. What about the business? That job you were going to take?”
“I haven’t figured anything out yet. Maybe a couple weeks away from all this will put it in perspective. Jennie was always nagging me to take a vacation. Now, I am.”
Jennie, Jennie, Jennie. She was sick of herself, if that was possible. His words were making her stomach twist. “Want some company?” she pushed out. “I mean, I don’t have anywhere to go, anything to do.”
His half-smile didn’t encourage her. “Seems to me you need to spend some time alone, too, finding out what you really want in life.”
“I already know what I want, Sam.”
He dismissed her with a shake of his head. “You’re one of the most confused women I know. I’m not what you want.” He winked at her. “Give yourself some time and you’ll see what I mean. I’ve got one more report to wrap up and then we can both be outta here.”
He headed back to his office, then paused and turned around. “By the way, Armand has been transferred to a psychiatric ward. He’s still pretty out of reality. My friend Dave’s got orders to let us know if he’s released.” Then he went into his office and turned up a Candy Dulfer compact disk.
An uncomfortable feeling slithered through her, though she couldn’t pinpoint what it was. They—whoever they were—said letting go was the only way to keep someone you loved. Maybe Sam just needed some time to work through all this. She poured herself a cup of coffee and dropped down into her chair. What was she going to do with herself while he did that? Go crazy, that’s what.
Woke Up Dead Page 25
