“Oh, my God,” Aimee whispered.
“That’s what I said,” Katherine laughed. “I had two broken teeth and lots of bruises, but I survived.”
“How are you now? Don’t you get scared?” she asked.
Katherine smiled at her. “Fine—at least, most of the time. I wasn’t at first, but I manage it.” She paused for a moment. “I have a confession, Aim. Declan told me about the panic attacks. He wasn’t getting in your business, he thought, just maybe, I could help you.”
Aimee sat quietly for a few minutes, then, without responding to her friend, she went to the kitchen. Katherine watched as she removed the rolls and bread from the oven. When she came back to the table, she sat everything down and picked up her coffee. Katherine was hesitant thinking she’d upset her.
“Please, don’t be mad at Carter,” Katherine said. “He didn’t know Declan was going to tell me. I’m only mentioning it in case you want to talk. You’re my closest friend, Aim. I want to help if I can.”
“I’m not mad at him, or Declan, or even you for that matter,” Aimee said. “I’m not sure I can talk about it. I never know what’s going to trigger it. Even talking about it might… and I don’t want to have anymore.”
“Then let me talk about mine,” Katherine said. “My world began to narrow because I didn’t talk about it. Which only gave it more power. At first it only happened if I was near the spot where I was attacked. Then one happened in my house, as I was going out the door, so I didn’t go out that day. Unfortunately one day became two, and then grew into thirty days. Even though I didn’t go out I was still having them. The craziest things began to happen. If I was watching a show when I had one, I didn’t watch that show anymore, thinking something I saw in it triggered one. If I was cooking, I wouldn’t cook that same food again because it might have been that particular food that was the trigger. I could go on and on. I even had one in the shower… so I didn’t shower for a week, and then I only took the shower because someone was in the house with me. I made them sit on the floor outside the bathroom door in case I needed help.”
Aimee’s eyes widened as she felt solidarity.
“That happened to me!” she exclaimed. “Just the other day when I was in the shower. I got so anxious I called Cody. I made her come into the bathroom with me because I knew she would bark if anyone came near the door.”
Katherine nodded agreement.
“I understand completely.”
“So I’m not crazy?” Aimee asked.
“No. Not at all,” her friend assured her. “In fact, it’s very common after having any kind of trauma,” she explained.
“Yeah. That’s what my counselor said,” Aimee confessed.
“I didn’t know you had a counselor. Declan didn’t mention it. I wouldn’t have brought it up at all if I’d known someone was helping you,” Katherine confessed.
“No, no,” Aimee objected. “I’m glad you did. I don’t understand all of it. The medicine helps. I just don’t like to take it, but they tell me that’s normal too. I’m afraid I might get hooked on it.”
“Take it,” Katherine told her. “Your doctor and counselor are keeping an eye on you and monitoring your meds. They know what to look for, like if the dosage isn’t right, or if it seems you’re taking too much,” she confirmed. “Trust them and let them help you. It’ll save you a lot of pain and heartache.”
As the two finished their talk, they heard people shuffling down the stairs. Declan, Aria, and Jeannie were coming to join them.
“It smelled so good down here we couldn’t stay in bed,” Aria said as she dug into the gooey goodness.
“Good morning,” Aimee welcomed them in. “I hope you like breakfast.”
Aria took a bite, then closed her eyes as she savored the confection.
“Oh my gosh, Aim,” she said with her mouth full. “These are to die for!” She scarfed down one, then took another, pleasing Aimee. Declan sat beside her, his face in his cup. Apparently he wasn’t civil until he’d had a little caffeine kick.
Jeannie kissed her on the head.
“How are you today, sweetie? It was a lovely party, but you must be tired out,” she pried.
“No, I’m good,” Aimee assured her. “You all cleaned up after yourselves and the guys helped Carter with the rest. He really didn’t let me do much of anything. I told him where I wanted the decorations and he took care of it. I only baked for the party, he did the rest of the food.” Her expression softened. “He really has looked out for me,” she said.
“What are you saying about me?” Carter said, entering the room. First he kissed his girl, then headed for the coffee.
“It’s about time your lazy ass got up,” Declan joked.
“Shut up,” he answered as he sat next to Aimee. He turned his attention to her. “How are you sweets?”
She tenderly placed her hand on his cheek.
“I’m good,” she assured him. He nuzzled her neck, speaking low so only she could hear.
“Need anything?”
His coarse scruff abraded her delicate skin as he kissed the curve between her neck and shoulder.
“Oh for God’s sake, get a room,” Declan teased. “We get it. We all know,” he said in mocked exasperation.
His brother gave him a hard look.
“I thought I told you to shut up,” he warned playfully. “Why are you still talking?”
Everyone laughed.
Aria was helping herself to another of Aimee’s cinnamon rolls, when Blake teased her.
“Girl, you’re going to town on those, aren’t you?”
She quickly put it down and took her seat next to Declan.
“Aria, I’m only playing,” Blake explained. “It’s just, I’ve never seen you eat more than a bird.”
Declan reached across the table, taking the roll Aria just put down. He put it on her plate and glared at Blake. She pushed it away.
“See what you’ve done, Matthews? You made her self-conscious,” he said. He turned to Aria. “Babe, don’t pay attention to him; he’s a moron,” he said.
“Sweetie, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings,” Blake explained as he frowned at her.
Declan’s attention was on his wife. She was looking down at her hands in her lap when Declan raised one and kissed her fingertips. She smiled at him. His brow arched inquisitively and Aria nodded.
“I know we’re planning to exchange gifts after breakfast, but we want to share ours now.” He pulled Aria onto his lap. Her hand rested on his shoulder and he placed his strong hand on her belly. Their smiles beamed.
“We’re pregnant!”
Chaos erupted and excited chatter followed as everyone expressed congratulations, but Carter saw the brief sadness in Aimee’s expression. He could read her thoughts and he squeezed her hand reassuringly. It was a bittersweet moment for them both.
A moment later, Falcon and Marcus arrived.
“What did we miss?” Falcon joked as he filled a plate.
“Not much, just my brother and Aria will be redecorating,” Carter teased.
“Renovating your house?” Marc asked. He took a bite of cinnamon roll, then looked at Aimee. “I hope to hell you have more of whatever this is.”
“I do,” she said going into the kitchen. “As a matter of fact, I made a fresh batch just for you two.”
“See?” Carter said to them. “Beautiful AND smart.”
When she heard his comment, she peeked around the doorway and batted her eyes.
He winked at her, then for the next few hours, he and Aimee enjoyed their guests.
Time passed quickly as everyone opened presents and talked. Then everyone went off on their own. Aria was tired and it showed. She and Declan retired to their room to nap, inviting some playful teasing from the group. Blake drove Jeannie into town for some shopping. Once they were gone, Marcus and Falcon asked Paige and Katherine if they were up for a hike in the snow. The girls wasted no time bundling up to get outside with the handsome me
n.
As she began to clean up, Carter stopped her. He could see their festivities were tiring her and he told her to go lay down. Aimee did feel sore. This was more activity than she was presently accustomed to, so she welcomed his help, going into their bathroom to take a hot shower.
While everyone was doing whatever, she thought about Aria, Paige, and Katherine. They all look so beautiful. She unwrapped the towel from around her and looked at herself in the mirror. What a mess! How could Carter look at her when she looked like this?
It was degrading for him to see her this way and she was impatient for the healing to be finished. The cuts and bruises were slowly fading away and she was too skinny even for her. What she really hated was what she saw when she looked over her shoulder. There was a twisted pattern of marks from the knife her attacker used. Where they were an angry crimson, they were turning into thin, red lines. Definitely distinctive, if they were a tattoo it might have been some tribal form. She resented the constant reminder and wondered if Carter would hate looking at them. All at once, the familiar anxiety threatened as it began to creep in to choke her. She wrapped herself in the towel and went into the bedroom to get under the covers and fearfully ride it out.
“Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?”
As soon as she entered the bedroom she heard the familiar, husky growl, and the panic began to subside.
“You have, many times. I just wish I believed it,” she answered.
He saw her try to hide a frown.
“Come over here,” he said.
Aimee sat beside him as he sprawled on the bed.
“What are you thinking?” he asked, and began to trace her shoulder and arm with his finger. She shook her head as she closed her eyes. She didn’t want him to see the hurt.
“I just wonder if I’ll ever look the way I did before…,” she confessed.
He pulled the towel loose so it puddled around her waist.
“I think you’re beautiful now… just the way you are.”
Her chin fell to her chest as she continued to close her eyes.
“I don’t understand how you can say that. I have all these marks. They’re ugly and I don’t know if they’ll go away. How do you think it’s going to affect my work? It’s all about appearances.”
He pulled her down beside him, but she faced away from him. He allowed his fingers to trail leisurely over her shoulder, back, and hips.
“Do you know what I see when I look at this?” he said in a low growl as his fingers traced the knife marks. “I see how beautiful and strong you are.”
He saw tears dropping from her chin as she turned to face him. Kissing her up her neck and jaw, he gazed at her beautiful face. Her eyes sparkled with pooled tears as he looked lovingly into them.
“You might not realize this, but I think you are the most incredible woman I know, Aim,” he assured her. “These lines—these marks—they tell the story; a story of bravery and resilience—of how hard you fought to come back… back to me,” he confessed. He took her hands into his. “It was my fault. I’m the reason you were in the woods. If I’d just talked to you that morning… if I’d just stopped you…” His voice cracked with emotion.
“That’s not true. It wasn’t your fault!” she insisted. “I acted like a child, stamping off to have a tantrum. There was no way we could have known what was going to happen. Regardless of us both being stubborn that day, we would have made different choices if we’d known.”
She looked at him with compassion and he desperately fell into the love in her eyes. Even if he could have stopped himself from confessing his perceived guilt, he wouldn’t have wanted to. Aimee wasn’t the weak one, he was. He saw in her everything he wanted to be—sincere, honest, and brave—and not for her, but because of her.
He pulled her into him, cupping her head in his hand. He assaulted her lips. The kiss stole her breath and stoked a fire—a fire he hadn’t let blaze since she’d come home.
Although he slept beside her every night, he only went so far as to hold her, allowing her to feel his protection. He hadn’t touched her apart from that since the morning of the attack and he was desperate for her. His hand came up, cupping her breast. Her nipples, pebbled from the chill, had hardened further under his touch. She pushed herself into his hand, urging him on… and he pulled away.
Her expression morphed from desire to confusion.
“Why…” She could say no more as she cast her eyes down.
He fisted his hand in her hair. “Because…” he looked at her beautiful face, her eyes closed in hurt. He gently pulled her head back until she was forced to look at him.
“Because I’m in love with you.”
His voice cracked like shattered glass as he laid himself bare.
She looked into his eyes, searching for the truth, and found nothing but a reflection of raw emotion. Her tears began to freely fall.
“Then I don’t understand…”
“Aim, I want you more than I’ve wanted anyone.” He took her hand and placed it on him to convince her he was painfully more than aroused. “I don’t want to hurt you, and I love you enough to wait. I want you to be fully healed, and I want to make love to you exactly the way I want to—not with a house full of people, and not worried I could cause you pain. I meant what I said, baby. You were strong enough to come back to me.”
She stilled and her heart grew heavy with a painful revelation. Looking him in the eyes she revealed her fear.
“…and Lacey didn’t,” she whispered. Oh God!
His jaw hardened and a scowl appeared where just moments before she saw tenderness.
“That’s not what I said,” he said angrily.
“But it’s what you meant,” she again whispered.
“No. No! Oh, hell! I don’t know. What… so what if it were true? What if it was in the back of my mind? Lacey’s dead. You can’t expect me to forget her, and I’ll always love her—but I love you. She isn’t here, you are, and I’m telling you I don’t just love you—I’m in love with you.”
He moved away from her, his hand wiping over his face in exasperation. He wasn’t a shrink! How in the hell was he supposed to know whether or not he resented Lacey for not coming back to him? For not fighting to stay alive? It didn’t matter! It was done.
It was nobody’s fault but his own. He wasn’t going to pretend to psychoanalyze his feelings or where he was in his head at the time. Was Aimee going to fault him for the person he was back then, instead of accepting the man he was?
She reached out to touch him and he pulled back.
“Please don’t do that,” she said, hurt evident. She shook her head disapprovingly.
“Isn’t it how we wound up here in the first place? Misunderstanding each other?”
Her words were like a slap in the face because he knew she was right.
“It doesn’t matter Carter. It isn’t what you think. You’re still in love with her… and I can’t love a man who’s in love with another woman. Especially one who’s a ghost. If I’m honest, I’m not strong enough to love you like that.”
His eyes begged her to reconsider.
“Let me finish,” she said. “I’ve had a lot of time to think about this, especially when I was in the hospital because I knew then that I was in love with you.” She pulled on her sweats, giving herself a few minutes to phrase her words carefully. She sat next to him on the bed, curling her legs under her.
“I did have a lot of time to think in there. Everything happened with us with no interference from our friends or anyone else. The only thing I did consider when I got involved with you was Lacey. I know how much you loved her. I remember how you were when she died. I also knew you would always love her and, actually, I was touched by it. When we started going out, I knew you two were inseparable—kind of a “package deal”. After we went out a few times, I had to think through what I might be getting myself into.”
She placed her palm against his cheek and he turned into her hand. She
felt a tear escape as it traveled down his pained face.
“I figured out I couldn’t love you if I had to compete with a memory—so I made up my mind to love you both.”
He sucked in a breath.
“You will always love Lacey, but it’s part of what I love about you. When you told me you realized you were always trying to be what she wanted you to be, I realized I was in love with a man who would sacrifice anything for love. Even himself. Loving her is part of who you are… and who you were. I will always love her for being a stepping stone to the man I’m in love with, but you’re a different man than the one she married.”
Surprised and mesmerized by her confession, he moved closer to her.
“The man I love is so different than the man Lacey knew—and I love the man you are. I don’t feel threatened by her memory anymore.”
He was numb.
“I don’t know what to say,” he croaked.
“You don’t have to say anything. What is it that people say? Actions speak louder than words? If it’s true then every one of them tells me you love me.”
He stretched out on the bed, resting his back against the pillows. She laid her head down on his chest, emotionally exhausted. He held her tightly as they both lay content, and he took a minute to follow some advice his mother gave him long ago.
He counted his blessings.
What was it about good friends and good times that seemed to make problems almost disappear? For Aimee, the weekend flew by. The combined pleasure of conversations, food, and friends were making her feel like her old self. She watched Katherine laugh as Marc and Falcon flirted shamelessly. She’d never know how much she helped Aimee. When she confessed her trauma and anxiety, Aimee felt like a pressure cooker that was finally letting go of the steam. When Kat assured her she wasn’t going crazy it enabled her to feel “safe”. The insecurity of being betrayed by your own body and mind was probably the worst part of the panic attacks. Most people know when all else fails, in whatever situation, the person you rely on most is yourself. But what happens when that reliance evaporates as quickly as smoke from a cigarette? That answer is as individual as snowflakes because no one person is the same as another.
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