“I’m going to live my life.”
His words were all she’d thought about for the past few weeks. Six words which dominated her introspection.
“I’m going to live my life.”
It didn’t seem like such a lofty goal, but to someone who suffered panic attacks it was a high aspiration. Every day she moved closer to the kitchen door—alone.
He never knew. She wanted to do this on her own. It loomed ever present. This was her Goliath. Every day she mentally planned to overcome the fear, picturing the obstacles associated with it and virtually slaying them. It was irrational, she knew, but her mind couldn’t effectively relay the information to her body. Somehow the connection had been severed. Again, she sat in the kitchen alone and peered out the windowed door. Signs of spring multiplied each day and reminded her that this was her favorite time of the year.
It was the lilac bush.
The backpack had been ready for over a week. It was also about as long she’d prepared to defeat the one thing that continued to keep her a prisoner when she was alone.
Fear.
Staring out the door she imagined what it would be like to breathe air on her own terms—but it was the lilac bush which made the decision for her. It had always been one of her favorites, and as she watched the buds promise to emerge, she desperately wanted to enjoy it. All she could think of was holding its delicate lavender flowers in her hands while sinking her nose deep within to take pleasure in its fragrance.
Yes.
It was definitely the lilac bush.
Reaching down to grab the backpack, her eyes never broke contact with the bush which lured her like a sea siren. It begged to be appreciated and the only thing separating them was the width of the screen door.
She slipped an arm through each strap as if she were putting on armor for battle, for truly it was how she felt—ready to do battle. Keeping her eyes on the bush, she adjusted the weight of the pack on her back. Her imminent fear was that if she took her eyes away the small semblance of courage that was slowly bubbling up to the surface would dry up.
Her senses engaged as she placed one hand on the handle, the other on the wood. They warned her to prepare for a coming attack. It seemed silly, but she started to walk in place. She hoped the momentum would help carry her though the door even if she was overcome with fear. How long had it been since she’d enjoyed her first walk in these woods?
Forever?
Forever and a day?
She was certain of this; if she continued to be a prisoner to the what-ifs in her mind, the man who attacked her, whether living or dead, would win. His horrific act against her had stolen more than the physical and she was determined to regain whatever was left of her courage. It was screaming at her to fight back!
Cody sat beside her, staring silently. Aimee nudged her softly with her leg.
“It’s now or never girl,” she confided, still looking toward the lilacs.
She heard the familiar squeak as she opened the door wide. All at once she flung herself through it like a stone from a slingshot. She ran down the steps to the grass. She heard the door bang closed behind her. She was exhilarated and frightened at the same time. Cody whimpered at being left behind, but Aimee was confident she would follow through the dog door while Justice was safe in his crate. She had to keep on going. If she stopped for one instant she thought she’d retreat in fear.
The air! Oh, the air felt so good!
She could feel it, taste it, smell it, and it lifted her. She broke the dark oppression, crushing it with each step. With a superpower of faith she became Wonder Woman and Batgirl all rolled into one. She was still alive after everything and it made her a survivor. She was living for a reason, a purpose… and for Carter. Their love story was conceived from bravery. If Carter could have faith enough to love again, she would have faith to live their love to the fullest. She was doing this as much for him as she was for herself.
Uncertain of how many steps she’d taken, she forged ahead past the lilac bush. It was her intention to only go so far as to see the violet flowers, but the emancipation triggered a pleasure which had been buried inside since the assault. Although it was more difficult, she continued on. Her attacker was dead. She had to do this. Her sanity was at stake.
She walked, and walked, and walked, pushing through the soreness in her muscles. This was a well-traveled path and she saw hikers on the huge rocks in the river. Her confidence was reemerging.
So was the fear.
She wasn’t sure how far she walked. She was trying to force herself to concentrate on the beauty of the mountains. She smelled the coolness of the pine and listened to the crunch of the cones beneath her feet. The panic rushed up, several times, as the adrenaline crushed her chest, forcing her to take gasps of air. She simply refused to become its victim as she placed one foot in front of the other. Her limbs felt heavy with the familiar fear. Finally, she stopped as she felt the coolness of water, as a slight spray was carried in the wind. Reminding herself she’d overcome this fear, she hoped she could conquer the others. Her life would never be the same because of this, but she was determined.
She had to face the fear and do it anyway.
Suddenly jolted from her introspection, she felt a familiar weight push against her thigh. Cody followed her.
“Didn’t want me to go by myself, huh girl?” she asked.
She circled in a dance around Aimee as she walked. The sweet dog helped her to concentrate on something other than the mounting sensations.
“I’m really glad you’re here, girl,” she confided.
In response, Cody again hit the side of her leg.
“Sorry girl,” she laughed. “You have to wait until we get home for treats.”
Cody responded by barking, making her laugh some more.
Her confidence overcame the fear. Cody served as a security blanket and she walked slower as a result. She heard the Falls. The closer she got, the louder the sound of the waterfall. She continued the path climbing down a few large rocks to the river.
Cautiously placing her footsteps, she could see sunlight as its rays broke through the trees. She lowered herself down the path to the bank of the Youghiogheny River.
Finally, she stopped. She climbed onto a massive stone; closing her eyes to relish the sweet victory, an ebb and flow of emotions played with her.
With legs which suddenly felt like noodles, she sat for a moment on the rock, its warmth cupping her aching leg muscles. She raised her chin toward the sun, reveling in its toasty rays. She immersed herself in the energy of the rushing water, sitting undisturbed while she enjoyed her triumph. Cody followed to lay beside her in the sunshine, her presence a comfort to her mistress.
She concentrated the effort to slow her breathing down and she managed to do so. Aimee imagined in her mind’s eye that as she breathed in the scent of the rushing water, it adhered to the invisible particles of panic and anxiety coursing inside, and which she happily exhaled.
This was her moment.
She refused to be raped of it by crushing memories.
She didn’t know how long she sat there and exhaled what seemed like her thousandth breath. As she slowly opened her eyes the beauty before her made her breathless in a good way. The waterfall represented what she sought.
Purity and light.
It swirled through her like a growing hurricane, absorbing the negative in its path. Her long blonde hair formed a blanket of heat and comfort around her. The immaculacy of the water washed away the guilt. She felt she’d enabled her attacker by having such a childish temper. Carter felt guilty that he didn’t go after her. The truth? An evil man tried to steal their peace of mind, and would have stolen her life. Katherine said that she’d always wondered why God put her through her attack and panic attacks. She remembered telling Kat that she believed God didn’t put her through it—He walked her through it. No one was responsible except a man who had no soul. Today her soul was singing! She felt victorious. Her former
, carefree self was struggling to be reborn. She lifted her face in a salutation to the sky. One by one fearful images fell away as she imagined them crushed by the force of the water.
It was exhilarating!
Hypnotized by how light she felt she stepped into the icy water. The magnificence of the natural beauty healed her, and she knew a changed woman would be returning to the man she loved. It was in that moment that she had a revelation.
The attacks were WHAT she had…
…not WHO she was!
All at once her lungs expanded, no longer constricted as she took back her power. She stood at the very edge of the Falls as the gentlest of the rushing water still held a powerful thrust. In a dramatic gesture, she raised her arms to the clouds and invited God, nature, and Mother Earth to wash her clean and bless her rebirth. She felt beautiful. She allowed the spirit of the water to wash away the bitter effects of fear. The monstrous games that her psyche played on her had been given an eviction notice. Order was restored. She did not delude herself. She knew it would be a process, but she also knew she would never go back to the tiny, black space her mind curled into when the fear set in.
With chattering lips, she made her way back to the rock that held her belongings. There she spied Cody sitting just behind them and she watched Aimee as she grabbed a blanket from the pack. She pulled out her sweats and put her shoes and socks back on, placing inside a small river rock to commemorate this day. Lighthearted, she hopped two stones like she’d watched Carter do. She then started the journey back. Cody came close and Aimee leaned into her.
“It’s going to be all good from here,” she confided to her sweet protector.
Cody snuggled much closer. It seemed she agreed.
He pulled the truck into the driveway. It was time for thought. Serious thought. She said she would marry him and he was sure she would flip when he told her he wanted to do it now.
She was such a conundrum. Like a cookie, she was tough on the outside with a marshmallow center. He’d experienced both her soft center and her tough cookie shell. On most things they agreed, but she could be stubborn, damned, and determined, but he wanted to start a life with her as his wife. Today he would present his case.
Still in thought, he got out of the truck and went into the house. He wanted to talk to her about how he felt. She’d been so isolated the past few days, so preoccupied. He couldn’t tell what she’d been thinking and he wanted her to know that no matter what was wrong she could share it with him.
When he walked in he felt like something was off. Cody usually ran to greet him the minute she heard him open the door, but all he heard was Justice’s protests from the crate. It was odd. There was no activity. Warning bells went off in his head. He assumed if Cody wasn’t there to greet him she must be with Aimee and he went from room to room in search of them. There were no signs of either of them… until he reached the kitchen.
Carter wasn’t sure what a heart stopping moment was until he saw the back door open, and the conclusions he drew weren’t pretty. He knew Aimee went out that door. All the rest was fodder for his overactive imagination.
He pushed himself to get through the trail and silently thanked God for the soft, damp ground that was impressionable enough to register her footprints and Cody’s paw prints.
“What the hell was she thinking?”
Following the marks on the ground, it looked like she was headed to the Falls. Now his mind really kicked into high gear and he went through the woods with record speed. He called out her name, but the closer he got to the waterfall the more it drowned out his voice. His heart was beating so fast. He focused on finding her and forced all other thoughts away.
Then he saw her.
She stood like a goddess offering herself with arms raised up to the heavens. Her pants were rolled up as she stood as far in the water as she could without getting soaked. She was beautiful as she stood proud before all of nature. Her blonde hair glistened in the sun and her face glowed. Whatever she was looking for when she came here, it seemed she found it. There was something in her expression which he hadn’t seen in quite some time.
Peace.
He stood near the tree and observed, never interrupting. He knew how large the giant was that she slayed, and was confident they would now move into the future together. There would always be things to overcome and mountains to climb, but this was her epiphany. He knew in order for her to feel strong enough to move forward it was necessary for her to do this on her own.
Watching her for some time, he saw her prepare to leave. Patiently he waited for her to come closer. She told him she would marry him when she felt more confident about herself. He told her he loved her just the way she was, but he knew what this accomplishment meant to her – and he knew he would soon be her husband.
As she came closer on the trail he stepped out so she could see him.
A smile lit up her face as she ran to him, throwing her arms around his neck.
He spun her around as she laughed. When he stopped, she looked deep into his eyes as she shared with him the three words she’d been longing to say.
“I did it!”
DD Lorenzo is a contemporary storyteller. Her novels reach deep into the heart of readers and engage them through the emotions of her characters.
DD resides in Maryland, “The Land of Pleasant Living.” She met the love of her life in high school and decided to look no further. Together, they have raised an eclectic and amazing family. When she isn’t writing stories of the impassioned lives of her characters, she is rooting for the Baltimore Ravens or the Baltimore Orioles. Her favorite pastimes include spending time with the wonderful people in her life and riding with her husband in his classic Mustang to the Eastern Shore.
You can find DD on Facebook, Twitter, Goodreads, tsu, and her website.
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