by Rick Mercer
I say that as long as this doesn't cost us any money, and they put in their own road, their own hydro, and they don't piss off the Inuit, they can go up north and they can track satellites until their heads fall off. And Jack, that's not sucking up to America; that's just being nice to the neighbours.
GO INVADE YOURSELF | FEB. 6, 2004
Just looking at George Bush you can tell he's as mad as hell. He can't believe that after all this time there are still no weapons of mass destruction. And I think he's actually surprised. Things were looking good there a couple of weeks ago when they found a can of Raid and a Bic lighter, but since then, nothing.
Which is why Bush has announced the formation of a special investigation into weapons of mass destruction. Basically he wants to know just what the hell he's been up to for the past year and a half. He's saying, I don't trust me, I'm going to get to the bottom of this, I'm either with me or against me. So he's going to spend a fortune figuring out just how intelligent U.S. intelligence really is.
Boy, it's a shame to see someone waste their money, isn't it? I could just go knock on the door of the embassy and tell them what the rest of us already know. But no. He wants to know why it is that when he said there were weapons of mass destruction everyone knew he was lying except him.
And you know why he didn't know, don't you? Dick Cheney forgot to tell him. I just hope he doesn't take the news too hard; otherwise he might have no choice but to go invade himself. And no getting around it, that's going to hurt.
HOW THEY HAVE CANADA BEAT | FEB. 5, 2008
It's Super Tuesday—the most important day in the U.S. primaries as both political parties try to figure out who they're going try to send to the White House. And I'm loving it—despite the fact that I have no idea how it works.
I know, it's democracy in action—but to me, it might as well be Chinese algebra. And yes, I admit, it bugs the hell out of me that the Americans have this system of choosing a leader that according to CNN everyone understands—and I just don't get. I'm much more comfortable assuming they're the stunned ones.
But I do know this. From a show business perspective they've got us beat. For starters, they know how to spend the big money. Rudy Giuliani spent 50 million dollars getting his ass kicked just in the state of Florida. That's twice as much money as any Canadian party is going to spend in the next federal election.
And it's not just the big money that makes it exciting. They work these candidates into the ground. They're exhausted. Cripes, there's a national debate on CNN every three hours. Half the fun is flicking on Lou Dobbs every evening to see the bags under Hillary Clinton's eyes get bigger.
And speaking of Hillary, when it comes to casting, we can't touch the U.S. We Canadians think of ourselves as part of this progressive, diverse nation and yet who's running for the top job in big, bad, backwards America? A woman, a black man, a Libertarian, a Mormon with big hair, and some dude who was in a bamboo cage in Vietnam for five and a half years. Meanwhile in Canada, we're gearing up for yet another race between a pudgy white guy and a skinny white guy and some other white guy.
Which may go a long way to explain the other big difference between Canadian and U.S. politics these days: in America, in this race, young people are engaged. In Canada—they're choosing none of the above.
CANADA'S NEARLY
NEW GOVERNMENT
When Stephen Harper became prime minister he insisted his lot be called “Canada's new government.” Internal party memos revealed he hoped the phrase would be in use until March 2021.
But it soon became clear that most Canadians found this “new government” business a tad ridiculous, an insult to their intelligence. It quickly got old. As a result, the Conservative party has started testing new slogans such as “Now with lemon” and “Contains more fibre.”
STEPHEN! STEPHEN! STEPHEN! | JUNE 23, 2005
Confidential
To: Conservative Party of Canada Caucus Members
Re: Opposition Leader's Schedule
Please be advised that Stephen Harper will not be available for regularly scheduled beratings this coming Friday. Leader's schedule has been changed to devote time to the spontaneous charm offensive.
Caucus members are encouraged to memorize leader's schedule, attend events and cheer the leader on in an appropriate manner.
SCHEDULE FOR FRIDAY
5:00 p.m. Leader to spontaneously bump into Rona Ambrose and Conservative youth caucus by Centennial flame.
5:05 p.m. Leader will refer to Rona and youth caucus as the “hottie and her peeps.”
Assembled caucus and observers are encouraged to raise right hand, form a fist, make a circular motion and chant “Stephen! Stephen! Stephen!”
CTV Countdown with Mike Duffy crew to be in attendance.
5:10 p.m. Leader and youth caucus to travel on foot to Byward Market, where leader will spontaneously announce he is getting nipple pierced.
Canadian Press photographer to attend.
Photo of leader's nipple being iced to be released immediately.
5:30 p.m. Leader to sit on deck at Milestones restaurant located near the Château Laurier. Leader will order and enjoy a domestic beer. Members of caucus are invited to stop by and “Have a cold one with Stephen.”
While seated, leader will roll up shirt sleeves and expose yellow Lance Armstrong cancer bracelet. Jane Taber to be informed that “Stephen relaxed and ordered a domestic beer just like a regular guy, he talked about hockey and declared, ‘Anyone who drinks imported is a pansy.’”
(Note to caucus: Many of you have voiced your concerns over our last memo, encouraging you to wear the yellow cancer bracelet. We have looked into your concerns and have determined that the yellow cancer bracelet does not cause cancer but is part of a campaign to beat cancer.)
6:45 p.m. Secret Hacky Sack lessons (closed to media).
CONSERVATIVE CABINET REVEALED | JAN. 9, 2006
Many sports fans spend their days building fantasy football or baseball teams. Likewise there is a handful of nerds out there who create fantasy cabinets. I do this all the time. I often kill time at the airport compiling my dream cabinet in the back of a scribbler. This week, for example, my dream cabinet would contain John Crosbie, Geddy Lee and Justin Pogge. Luckily for the nation I will never choose a cabinet so we will never know what kind of damage I could wreak on the country.
I have it on very good authority, however, that Stephen Harper is spending a lot of time playing the game these days. Word is the back room on the Harper bus resembles the woodshed from A Beautiful Mind: the walls are littered with the names of potential Conservative cabinet ministers. Luckily, my secret mole in the Tory campaign (Tom Flanagan) has been forwarding me photos of the notes with his hand-held Palm device. This is what the Tory cabinet looks like so far.
Stockwell Day (Okanagan-Coquihalla)—Minister of Foreign Affairs
Stockwell Day is perhaps the most experienced and most talented member on the Conservative front bench. Stockwell is currently foreign affairs critic for the Conservative party and he has done a bang-up job. When he was questioned as to why his party did not offer condolences to the Palestinians on the death of Yasser Arafat, Stock responded by sending out a column by David Frum that speculated Yasser had died of AIDS.
With Stock representing Canada on the world stage, can peace in the Middle East be far away?
Jason Kenney (Calgary Southeast)—Minister of Health
Jason Kenney is an embarrassment of riches for the Conservative party. He is one of Stephen Harper's most trusted lieutenants and is experienced, well liked and hirsute. He is perfectly suited to a mélange of cabinet positions, and while he has a grasp on all the issues, health seems to be his forte.
“I do support the idea of private health care.”
—Jason Kenney, Conservative Party critic
on Canada-U.S. Relations, October 31, 2000
Rob Anders (Calgary West)—Minister of State (Multiculturalism)
Rob Anders is
the man to reach out to Canada's diverse multicultural communities.
“Nelson Mandela is a terrorist.”
—Rob Anders
“Rob is a true reformer and a true conservative. He has been a faithful supporter of mine and I am grateful for his work.”
—Stephen Harper, endorsing Rob Anders
Vic Toews (Provencher)—Minister of Justice
Vic is the current justice critic, and he takes the bull by the horns. He believes the notwithstanding clause should be used to override minority rights. He calls it the “ultimate tool,” and so it is. The notwithstanding clause can be used to take away the rights of gay people to marry each other or the rights of the Chinese to drive. If you're white and straight, the chance of this being used against you are slim to none. This is for uppity minorities only. In case of emergency uppity-ness, please break glass.
Art Hanger (Calgary Northeast)—Minister of Citizenship and Immigration
“Immigrants are choking welfare systems, contributing to high unemployment, and many cannot read.”
—Conservative MP Art Hanger
Myron Thompson (Wild Rose)—Minister of State (Youth Justice)
“Let's lower the age to ten.”
—MP Myron Thompson,
commenting on the age at which he
believes one should be tried as an
adult, at a Vernon, BC, meeting
David Sweet—Minister Responsible for the Status of Women
“There's a particular reason why Jesus called men only. It's not that women aren't co-participators. It's because Jesus knew women would naturally follow. Men, on the other hand, had to be called.”
—Conservative candidate David Sweet,
former president and
CEO of Promise Keepers Canada
Brian Fitzpatrick—Minister of Indian Affairs and Northern Development
“You can't scalp me because I haven't got much hair on top of my head.”
—Conservative candidate Brian Fitzpatrick
Darrel Reid—Minister Responsible for the Canadian Wheat Board
“I think every Christian's under an obligation to change laws to reflect biblical values. Different Christians are going to try to change different laws, according to the call God gives them. You see Christians in all political parties. That reflects different understandings of what God's call is to us. That's a healthy thing. If the yeast congregates in one part of the loaf, it makes for pretty bad bread.”
—Conservative candidate Darrel Reid,
former president of Focus on the
Family Canada
Cheryl Gallant (Renfrew-Nipissing-Pembroke)—Women's Caucus Chair
“We saw that young American having his head cut off. What's happening, what is happening down there is no different.”
—Cheryl Gallant
at a 2004 pro-life rally on Parliament Hill,
comparing abortion to the beheading of
American Nicolas Berg by insurgents in Iraq
Of course, this is just a fraction of what the final cabinet will look like. Harper will have to come up with another twenty-five cabinet ministers. There is a rumour, however, that he might make history and appoint himself minister of everything, removing all MPs from the process.
ALL HIS FAULT | JAN. 31, 2006
This is a very exciting time for anyone who views politics as a blood sport in Canada. After all, it's not every day that we go out and choose a new prime minister. And when we do, there's a certain similarity to them. But only in the sense that they're usually Liberal lawyers from Quebec. Anything else is a breath of fresh air, and that is what Stephen Harper is.
The man is a breath of fresh air with just a hint of Head and Shoulders. Confidence in him is high, and so it should be. All across this great country—except, of course P.E.I.—Canadians went into the polling booth and they said, I'm going stand up for Canada and make Harper my fearless leader. Of course, it's too soon to say how he's going to do, but I will say this—that man looks damn fine in a turtleneck, and if he can do as good a job running this country as he did running a campaign, we're going to be laughing.
He ran one hell of a campaign. Although to be fair, he had some good luck. Now, I'm not saying it was all good luck, or that his luck is going to change or even that his luck has gone away forever. All I'm saying is the campaign is over, he's been elected for only eight days and already Ford has laid off thirty-five hundred people, mad cow is suddenly back and Mario Lemieux has left the world of hockey forever. Who are we going to blame? Stephen Harper and his anti-job, pro-mad-cow, anti-hockey agenda.
Now hopefully, this bit of bad luck won't continue when he names his cabinet. I'm not concerned. I believe there are plenty of competent Conservative MPs out there. In fact, I can think of ten Tories off the top of my head who would make excellent cabinet ministers. The problem is, of course, you need twenty-five if you want to make a cabinet. Yes, it's going to be an interesting four years, Mr. Harper. Or three years or two years or even one. Time will tell. But I will say this: welcome to the show, Prime Minister. From here on in, no matter what happens, it's all your fault.
THE DISCIPLINARIAN | MAR. 28, 2006
When Stephen Harper first got elected, he made it pretty clear that he's the kind of guy that gets off on discipline. Hey, fine by me. But lately I'm starting to think that here's a man who might get turned on by discipline just a little bit too much.
According to Harper's new rules, members of his cabinet aren't allowed to write a letter to the editor without his permission. Think about that. We live in a country where a ten-year-old girl can write a letter to the paper about a local issue but not your conservative MP. Harper's basically saying, “Oh, my health minister can be trusted with the welfare of 35 million people but not with a pen and paper. He's too flaky.”
And no speaking in public, either. When Harper went to Afghanistan, he was accompanied by the defence minister, but Harper didn't introduce him to the troops once. Think about that. We live in a country where the defence minister can't address soldiers because he might say something stupid. And now the latest changes. The media has been banned from standing outside the cabinet room. For over thirty years, when cabinet ministers left that room they had to walk past reporters. But not anymore. Harper's banned the media, put them downstairs so his ministers can now skulk out the back without ever being seen.
I swear to you this man is doing everything in his power to ensure that later on these people can't get picked in a lineup. I don't know what Harper's plan is, but I know this. If you're the prime minister and the first thing you do is ban the media and then devise an escape route, don't be surprised if people think you're up to no good.
DADDY MADE A BOO-BOO | MAY 25, 2007
At this moment, in an undisclosed location, the Tory brain trust is huddled in a room desperately trying to figure out a way to get the Conservatives' polling numbers up. Oh to be a fly on the wall—a wall that is no doubt dripping in blood.
For a while it was looking good for the Conservatives. They delivered the biggest-spending budget in Canadian history, they mailed hundreds of millions of dollars to Quebec and they placated the masses with some sort of rebate on the cost of enrolling your kid in hockey. Sure, their base was alienated by a budget that refused regular working Canadians a personal income tax cut, but a decision had been made that the base could suffer. In fact, no Canadian government has so readily abandoned its base and with such confidence.
And for a shining moment the big spending seemed to pay off. The polls showed they were up, way up in fact, passing the magic number that would guarantee a majority. And then in a stunning move the master chess player who is the prime minister, the man who admits he thinks about political strategy twenty-four hours a day, blinked. He looked at the big numbers and decided he had nowhere to go but up. Oops. Daddy made a boo-boo.
Which brings us back to that increasingly desperate room that houses the brain trust.
No doubt it was
there that the recent trip to Afghanistan was hatched. Sending the prime minister into a war zone was actually a very good idea. And thanks to Jim Flaherty's budget, much safer than, say, a trip to Newfoundland, Nova Scotia, Saskatchewan or Bay Street.
It's bold ideas like this that might provide some much-desired momentum, although it's my guess that nobody in the room has the balls to stand up and say, “If we want Canadians to like us more maybe we should stop talking and acting like pricks.”
Because really it seems like they just can't help them selves.
Harper's trip to Afghanistan is a perfect example. Given the goodwill that the average Canadian feels toward the soldiers on the ground in Afghanistan, it would take hard work on someone's part to screw up a visit like that.
And yet the Conservatives did.
Members of the media were of course alerted in advance so they could take photos of it happening. When a prime minister, cabinet minister or the chief of defence staff heads into a war zone, journalists are often told in advance. And because it's a war zone they are properly sworn to secrecy. The Harper government upped the ante this time and reporters were not only sworn to secrecy but also told that if they breathed a word about the trip in advance they would and could be arrested and thrown in the clink.
This pretty much sums up the angry-dad government. There is not a reporter alive on the Hill who can remember ever being threatened with jail over a trip like this. Nor is there a reporter who can remember any legitimate news organization reporting the details of a trip like this in advance. That fact is lost on the Harper government.
