Shaking my head, I bent down to touch her wrist. She felt slightly warm, but cooler than normal. I tried slapping her cheeks lightly. “Debra! Debra!”
She remained unresponsive. Her skin had a waxy pallor.
I jumped back my heart pounding in my chest. Was she dead? Despite my dislike of her, my eyes misted. No matter what she’d done to me, she was still my mother. The mother I’d once loved so very much was still somewhere inside her.
Holding her wrist, I waited to feel a pulse. Seconds seemed like hours as I waited to feel her heart beat.
Nothing.
Immediately, I wiped the dried blood from her mouth with my shirt sleeve and began CPR. Desperately, I pumped her chest and blew into her mouth.
After several frantic attempts, I felt a faint pulse. It was weak, but it was there.
“Debra!” I shouted trying to revive her. Her pulse remained, but it was so weak. Fearing that she might slip away, I dialed 911.
As I waited for the ambulance, I pulled her up into my arms cradling her head. I smoothed her greasy hair back from her face. Surprisingly, for the hard living she’d done in the past, she looked quite young. Her face remained relatively unlined. I kept holding her wrist checking her pulse. It remained faint, but consistent. As I held her, memories of her holding me when I was little came flooding back.
Her eyelids fluttered open. “Ashton? Is that you?” Her voice trembled it was so weak.
“Yes, it’s me, Debra.” I clutched her hand tightly.
“Ashton, I have so much to tell you. Things I should’ve told you—” Suddenly, she began to convulse violently. Saliva foamed from the corners of her mouth.
“Debra!” I cried, slapping her cheeks. “Mom!”
Twenty Four
Amber
That morning as I dressed for work, I thought about Ash. Every day for the past six years, he was the last thing I thought of before bed and the first thing I thought of each morning.
Stepping out of the shower, I stood nude before the mirror. I envisioned Ash standing behind me his dark hair falling over his forehead as he leaned over me. His hands would trail up my nude body cupping my breasts from behind. I traced my fingers over my hard nipples dreaming of Ash kissing my neck softly as his fingers milked my nipples. My pussy began to get wetter and wetter as I thought of his firm, muscled chest pressed against my back….
The phone rang. I clutched a towel to my body running to grab it. “Ash? What’s wrong?”
His voice was strained. His breath was coming hard and fast. “It’s Debra, my mother. She…she wasn’t breathing when I got here. She OD’d. I’m on the way to the hospital with her now.”
“Oh my God, Ash. Is she going to be okay?”
I heard the paramedics talking to her.
“Pulse is weak. Need to stabilize her.”
I collapsed on the bed. Poor Ash.
“I don’t know, Amber. Can you—?”“
“—come to Chicago? Of course.”
“Yes, I wish you would. I’ve called Whitmore. The plane is ready and waiting if you don’t mind coming here.”
“Of course, Ash. I’ll be right there. Tell Whitmore I’m on my way.”
“Thanks, Amber. I’ll have a driver waiting for you when you land.”
Sitting in the private jet, I couldn’t stop thinking about why I’d left Chicago in the first place.
My past had been turbulent, to be sure. I was one of seven children raised by alcoholic parents. They both worked two full time jobs just to feed us, but when they were home, they were usually too drunk to see straight. I knew they loved us, but their alcoholism destroyed our family in more ways than one.
Growing up with five older brothers and one younger sister in a small house on the south side of Chicago was far from easy. Due to our large family, we struggled financially. My father was a plumber and my mother worked as a daycare assistant.
Instead of being protective, my older brothers picked on me constantly. I developed early and their friends continually harassed me.
As the plane circled to land, I gazed out the window at all the houses which appeared as tiny specks below.
“Hey Mark, when’s your sexy sister going to come out?” The pimply faced friend of my brother asked leering up at my window.
Pulling back seeing the group of teenage boys gathered around the house, I looked at myself in the mirror. I was wearing the most modest thing I could. I was only thirteen yet my breasts were extremely large. I had outgrown all my bras quickly and now was forced to wear a matronly bra which made me feel like an old woman. I couldn’t wear the frilly, lacy bras from the department stores.
I had slipped one of my brother, Mark’s sweatshirts on which was very large on me, but still I appeared quite busty in it. I pulled my long honey blonde hair back into a ponytail.
I was the only girl I knew that tried to appear less attractive than I actually was. I couldn’t stand it when my brothers’ friends whistled at me and catcalled as I walked by.
I glanced at the clock. There was no more time to waste. I had to walk outside right past them to get to school.
“There she is!”
“Hey, gorgeous, when are you gonna go out with me?”
“What about me, baby? How about you shake those tits at me?”
“Come on, show us your tits!”
I cringed as I pressed my books to my chest.
“Mark, why doesn’t your baby sister wanna play with us?”
The mob of boys clamored about me. I felt sickened as I tried to hurry past them. These boys were all in high school and I was only in the seventh grade.
I waited anxiously each time for my brother to make them stop. He only laughed along with them.
As I got older, the teasing didn’t relent. It only got more serious. By that time, I had gotten used to the catcalls, the whistles, and the inappropriate comments. I held my head high and stopped caring what people said. I began to use makeup and flaunt my beauty.
Big mistake.
One terrible night caused me to run from the south side and never look back.
Until today that is.
I had been working at the local pub where my parents sat every night after work drinking themselves into a stupor. I wasn’t old enough to serve liquor, but I worked the tables serving food. The outfit I had to wear wasn’t skimpy in the least, but on me, it appeared almost lewd. The t-shirt was extremely tight across my chest and there was no more hiding how large my breasts were.
I was eighteen years old and this was one of the last weekends I would have to work there. I had been accepted at Northwestern and I was ecstatic!
As I helped the owner, Sallie close the bar, I noticed Larry, my father’s drinking buddy still sitting at a corner booth slumped over the table. Everyone else including my parents had left. Larry was good looking for a man of his age. He was rugged, but handsome. He usually appeared unshaven. His dark hair was tipped with a bit of silver. He had several tattoos and still worked out regularly. His muscles rippled beneath his shirt.
Larry and his wife, Julie were good friends of my parents. Larry was several years younger than my father, making him about forty-two years old. They had a son, Jackson who was the same age as me. He was a younger looking version of his father. I’d grown up around Larry, so I didn’t think much of him being passed out at the bar. It was becoming a regular occurrence since he lost his job at the glass plant last year.
“Larry, it’s closing time. Can you get up?” I gently tapped him on the shoulder. He reeked of alcohol. It wasn’t the first time he’d passed out in the bar.
“Huh? What?”
“Closing time, Larry. Do you need me to call you a cab?” I bent down to clear the empty beer mugs off the table.
His eyes opened slightly as he gazed at me. “I know you. You’re the one with the big titties. What you doin’ here?” His words slurred terribly.
“Yes, I’m Amber. It’s time to go home, Larry.” I ignored his rude comm
ent.
“Hey, Amber, are you having a hard time getting that asshole up?” Sallie, the owner, was a tough as nails older woman. She had been the bar owner for over twenty years. I’d known her since I was little.
“Yeah, Sallie, he just doesn’t want to leave I guess.” I laughed carrying the tray with glasses back to the bar.
“Well, I’ll just call his wife to come get him.” Sallie picked up the phone.
I finished clearing all the tables and wiping them down. I was going to be so glad to be finished with this job. Counting up my tips, I stuffed the cash into my purse.
“Go on, get outta here, honey.”
I watched as Sallie shoved Larry out the door. Gathering my jacket and my purse, I walked out the door towards home.
The bar was only about ten blocks from my house. Sometimes I called a cab, but tonight was such a warm night I thought I’d walk.
The streets were nearly deserted as it was after three AM. Even though it wasn’t the best neighborhood, I’d lived here all my life. I felt relatively safe here.
Just as I was walking beneath the L tracks, a dark, shadowy figure appeared.
“Help me. Please help me,” a muffled voice cried.
I turned around to look. It was Larry. He had fallen down on the sidewalk and was reaching up toward me.
Hurrying back, I ran to help him up. I was puzzled as I thought his wife was coming to pick him up. “Where’s Julie, Larry? I thought she was coming to get you.” I had to step back as he reeked so strongly of alcohol the fumes burned my nose.
“She’s not here, pretty girl. I just need help. My house’s just up the street.”
“I know, Larry. I’ve been there many times with my parents, remember?”
“Just help me walk, okay?” He mumbled holding his arm out to me. He was a tall and muscular man and it was difficult for someone as small as me to help him without falling over myself.
We walked down to his house. It had deteriorated drastically since I’d last been there. The shutters were falling off and the paint was peeling. The grass was knee high. I knew he had fallen on hard times recently with being let go from the glass plant he’d worked at for twenty years. His wife, Julie was nowhere to be seen. The house was pitch dark.
“Where’s Julie, Larry?”
Larry threw the door to his house open.
“She’s gone. She left me, pretty girl. Left me last week. Now I got nothin.” He slurred, tossing his jacket off. He stumbled inside and flicked the lights on.
Horrified, I glanced around at the dozens of empty beer cans and cigarette butts littering the floor and the table. Empty food bags and pizza boxes contained a multitude of bugs crawling all over them. I was repulsed by the sight. “Okay, Larry, I’ve got to get home now. Have a good night.” I turned to leave. I felt his strong arm wrap around my body.
“You’re not going anywhere, pretty girl.” His voice was no longer slurred.
Terrified, I looked up into his eyes. They were completely clear. His pupils weren’t dilated. It was like he magically sobered up. “Larry, I thought you were drunk.” I stammered.
He laughed. “When am I not drunk, right? No, not tonight, pretty girl. Amber, I know you’re leaving in a few weeks. I’ve watched you for years just waiting until you were old enough.”
His voice so clear and so different it made my skin crawl. I had never been so frightened in my life. I struggled to escape his tight grasp. “Larry, what are you talking about? Old enough for what?” I knew the answer, but was just sick with the thought.
Shoving me against the wall, his strong, beefy hands ran all over my body. He pushed my shirt up revealing my bra.
“For fucking. I’ve always thought it was criminal for a girl so young to have such a great body. I told your daddy that too when you were just thirteen. You know what he said?”
My mouth went dry. Vomit rose in my throat. “What?” I whispered.
“Told me to wait ‘til you were old enough. Then I could fuck the shit the out of you.”
“What?” My mind reeled. My father wouldn’t have said that. He just wouldn’t. He loved me…”No, he didn’t.” I squirmed beneath his grip. My breath coming hard and fast in a panic.
“Yep, he sure did. He even told me when you’d be leaving so I could have you. You’re eighteen now. You’re legal.”
“Get the FUCK off me now, Larry!” I screamed clawing at his face.
Slapping me hard, he pushed me down to the ground. “I already paid for you.”
“What?” I screamed.
“Yep. Gave him all the money I had left. Five hundred dollars.” Larry laughed.
“No,” I whispered. I couldn’t believe it.
“Well, I said it was your daddy, but Mark and Jackson were there too. Mark said he would tell me what to do, how to get you alone.”
Vomit rose in my throat. I could hold it no longer. Opening my mouth, I quickly turned my head and bitter tasting liquid poured out. The sour smell of my own vomit penetrated the air.
“You fucking, dirty bitch.” With that, Larry slapped me again. Blood trickled from my nose and mouth.
I couldn’t believe this was happening. I’d known Larry and his wife since I was five years old.
Pulling me up by my hair, he dragged me back to his bedroom. The odor of stale cigarettes, beer, and urine sickened me.
“Now, little girl, I paid for you. I want to see those titties. Take off those fucking clothes.”
Curling up into a ball, I shook my head.
Even now, on a plane all of these years later the memories were hard to stomach. Like a kaleidoscope of fucked up they flashed behind my eyelashes, memories swimming too visually in my head. I’d always thought that, in some ways, I was lucky. He’d done awful things to me, violated my body in ways I had never quite recovered from, but somehow I’d managed to stop from it going further than I think I would have been able to come back from.
If I hadn’t have known him that long, if I hadn’t have been smart enough to start talking to him about that fact and making him tear up, I never would have been able to kick him in the balls like I had in order to escape. I never would have made it to that neighbors house and call the cops. I hadn’t felt lucky then, huddled in that blanket in her kitchen and crying. I hadn’t felt lucky refusing to go home. I couldn’t go home to those that had betrayed me to that monster.
Larry was arrested that night and charged with assault, although he had claimed he had no memory of the things he had done that night and that he had been highly intoxicated. A fact we never found out if was true or false because he committed suicide while awaiting trail.
It was only later that I considered myself lucky in those aspects. Years later.
Although I never spoke to Mark or my father since the day that it all happened. I gathered my things from the house and left for Northwestern, never to return.
Until now, headed on the plane back to Chicago.
Twenty Five
Ash
Pacing back and forth in the waiting area of the ER, I thought about my mother. I couldn’t stop seeing her lying there unconscious with the fresh needle marks in her arm. As I held her in my arms, I could’ve sworn I felt her spirit begin to lift from her body. The thought so disturbed me I couldn’t stop shaking. I couldn’t stand the thought of her dying without us having made peace with one another.
Looking around at all the people waiting for news on their loved ones, I felt their anguish. I couldn’t stand not knowing what was happening with my mother. I kept having flashbacks of when my father had fallen ill with terminal cancer. The smell of hospitals, of medicines, seeing doctors and nurses brought all that pain of losing him back.
And now I was facing losing my mother as well.
I stopped at a vending machine and purchased a bottle of water. Draining the bottle in one large swallow, I ran my hands through my hair.
All those letters my mother had written over the years. She’d really loved me, I thought. I s
till couldn’t comprehend what had made her leave us, but I knew she did love me.
I just had to be able to speak with her one last time.
The sliding doors to the ER opened and in walked Amber. She looked as beautiful as ever. Her cheeks were flushed red from the cold as she hurried to my side. “Any news, Ash?” She threw her arms around me.
I embraced her tightly inhaling the sweet scent of her hair. It wasn’t lost on me that anytime I needed someone Amber was always there.
I shook my head.
“The doctor came out to speak with me earlier. Apparently, she’d been doing a ‘speedball’ as they found significant amounts of both cocaine and heroin in her system. They’ve stabilized her for the moment, but she’s still unconscious. They don’t know why.”
Amber held my hand as we walked over to a row of empty chairs. “Oh, Ash, I’m so sorry. This must be so hard for you.”
I nodded loving the way she was holding my hand. She was so lovely, so sweet and kind. Why hadn’t I seen that all of these years? All I had ever really thought about her was either strictly professional or sexual.
“It’s a lot harder than I thought it would be. You know, I haven’t seen her since the funeral. You know how that turned out. I haven’t told you this, but I just recently found all the letters she told me about in a box in my father’s attic.”
“What? So she was telling the truth?” Amber’s mouth fell open in shock.
“Yes, she was. She had, in fact, sent me a card every year for my birthday. She’d written dozens of letters. They were all unopened in a crate deep in the attic.” Tears began to form in the corners of my eyes. Quickly, I blinked them away.
“Wow, Ash, I thought she was just saying that. I didn’t realize…I mean, she left you when you were so young.”
I nodded. “I felt the same way until I found the letters. I had to go see her. I was surprised to find her at the same address. When I walked in, I found her on the floor unconscious. Apparently, she’s been using for a long time.” I leaned forward with my head in my hands.
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