My heart froze. This couldn’t be happening. “Please, Sasha, I promise I’ll stop. Just don’t go.” I took the ring and tried forcing it back on her finger.
With one sharp move of her hand, she yanked herself away from me. “I said no, not until you get clean.”
I spread my hands wide. “But I am clean. I’m as sober as a minister on Sunday! I promise you. It was only because of Ash and Amber. I just couldn’t stand the pain I’d caused them…” I trailed off.
“Pain you caused them? That was a long time ago. You can’t keep beating yourself up over it. And what happened to Amber was because of her brother not you!”
I shook my head. “No, if I hadn’t kidnapped Amber she would never have been in the public eye. She’d have never felt the need to come forward about all the trauma she suffered. Then her horrible brother wouldn’t have…done what he did.”
Sasha slapped me lightly on the cheek. “Look, there’s always going to be a reason to use just like there are reasons not to use. If you look hard enough, you’ll always be able to find a way to justify your actions.”
My mouth went dry as I contemplated what she’d said. She was right.
But heroin is a jealous whore, too.
“Please don’t go.” My shoulders sagged with defeat.
“I don’t want to. I love you, but I can’t sit back and watch you destroy yourself. I won’t be part of it.”
Swallowing hard, I nodded.
Sasha pushed past me and I watched helplessly as she packed her things.
When she filled the suitcase, she turned to me. Tears were dripping from her face. “I wish you the best. I love you and I want nothing more than to spend my life with you, but I can’t until you decide to get clean.”
I took her hand and pressed it to my lips. My own tears dripped down onto her hand. “I know, Princess. I will get clean I promise you.”
“Good. When you do, let me know.”
With that, she walked out of the house.
I stood still frozen in that space until I heard the front door close then I threw back my head and screamed all the anguish I felt.
I grabbed the thing nearest to me, a lamp on the nightstand, and hurled it across the room. It hit the wall shattering the glass lampshade raining shards everywhere. I collapsed to the floor in defeat.
The days that followed Sasha’s departure were pure hell. My desire to use was so strong I had to sit on my hands rocking back and forth. I couldn’t take it. My body burned with need. Attempts to sleep were futile. I soaked the sheets with my perspiration. I couldn’t focus on anything.
All I could do was think of getting another fix.
For several days, I sat all alone in my house. I popped Advil like they were candy trying to get rid of the terrible crushing headaches. My stomach felt raw inside from the constant vomiting.
The worst torture was psychological. All I needed to end the torment was to get a fix. Then I wouldn’t feel any pain.
But I had to kick this even if it killed me.
After being gone from the office for nearly a week, I heard a knock at my door. I’d been lying on the living room floor wrapped up in a blanket. The sour smell of my vomit filled the air. Shuffling to the door, hope filled my heart thinking it was Sasha.
I threw open the door to see Ash standing there staring at me.
“My God, Ayden, you look awful!”
Seeing how sallow my skin was, the dried saliva crusted in the corners of my mouth, and the old sweatpants I’d been shuffling around in for the past week made his mouth fall open. “Sasha left me,” I muttered.
He crossed his arms over his chest.
“I know that already. She just called me a few hours ago. She’s worried about you.”
I shrugged throwing some clothes off the couch. “Have a seat.”
He wrinkled his nose at the odor in the room. “No, thank you.”
I collapsed on the couch with a blank stare.
“Obviously, you’re using again,” he stated quietly.
I ran my hands through my hair feeling how greasy it was.
Ash held out his hand to me. “Come on, pack your stuff. I’m taking you back with me.”
“Where?”
“To where Amber and I are living now.”
I shook my head feeling emotions about to overtake me. “No, I have to stay here. I want to be close to Sasha.”
“I will let Sasha know where you are. Get clean and she’ll come back.”
I found a crumpled pack of cigarettes on the coffee table. Lighting one up, I leaned back and blew the smoke away from him. “Where did you guys move?”
“The Midwest. It’s safer there. I don’t think Mark will find us.”
I shook my head flicking my ash into the glass tray. “It’s all my fault,” I whispered.
“What is?”
I threw my hands apart. “This. Everything. You and Amber and Mark. He wouldn’t have attacked her if it wasn’t for me.”
Ash closed his eyes sighing. He sat on the edge of the couch next to me. “That’s not true. Mark abused Amber for years when they were kids. That had nothing to do with you.”
A bitter taste rose in my mouth and I swallowed hard. “But I hurt you both. If I hadn’t kidnapped Amber, the trauma she suffered as a child wouldn’t have been exposed. Mark would never have come here.”
Ash reached out to me. I could smell the spicy scent of his rich cologne. “That’s over now. We’ve both forgiven you. You’re a different person than you were back then. We both know how sorry you are. You didn’t have the advantage of growing up in a loving home with our father. I used to think I was the victim because our mother left me, but her leaving was a gift.”
His hand felt warm on my shoulder. “It was. You didn’t miss anything not being with her. The scars of my childhood run deep.”
“I know, but it’s no reason—”
“—to use? I know. Sasha said the same thing. But the pain is so bad sometimes. You just don’t know. Now everything with Amelia and the attack on Amber….it’s just too much.” I let my head fall into my hands.
“Look, there’s always going to be a reason to use. You have to overcome this on your own. I know you’ve been clean before and there’s no reason you can’t now.”
I stared at the scars on my bare feet. If he only knew how hard it was…“I can get clean. I’m trying like hell. I’ve been locked up in this house for a week. Do you see the claw marks on this table?” I gestured to the faint scratches on the oak coffee table.
He peered down and nodded.
“That was me trying not to use. I’ve been successful this whole week, but it’s hard. You couldn’t understand.”
“Then come with me. I’ll send you to the best rehab in the country.”
“I’ll only bring you down. Let me do this on my own.”
“No, Ayden. You’re coming with me and that’s final.” Ash stormed off heading toward the master bedroom. Dumping clothes in a suitcase, he emerged moments later. “There now. There’s no reason not to come. Let’s go.”
I bit my lip. Maybe I would be better off with him then alone. “I’ll try.”
“That’s all you can do then.”
I swallowed hard nodding.
As I locked the door to my house, I cast one final glance back. This was going to be a challenge.
Was I ready for it?
Eighty Eight
Ash
Flying back to the Midwest with Ayden by my side, I wondered if I’d done the right thing. He was clearly in the throes of withdrawal. His skin was sallow his face crusted with dried saliva and vomit. I’d never seen him look so bad. He trembled as he held his drink on the plane. I’d contacted Sasha to tell him where he would be. She sounded so grateful on the phone it made me feel better about taking him. Still, with Amber in the condition, she was in and the tensions so high regarding Mark, I didn’t know if she could take any more drama.
As the plane circled the runway, I fe
lt him suck in his breath. I couldn’t wait to get him back to our new home and into the shower. He needed a good shave and some clean clothes.
“Does Amber know I’m coming?” Ayden asked worriedly staring out of the window as the cornfields flew by us.
“Yes, she does.”
“Where the fuck are we? This looks like Nebraska. All these damn cornfields. I feel like some kids are going to leap across the highway to attack us.”
I chuckled. The Stephen King reference wasn’t lost on me. “Nothing like that, but it is a smaller area near a large city.”
“I’d say we aren’t in Kansas anymore, but we might be for all I know.” He laughed.
It was good to hear him laugh. I never realized before going to get him how much his happiness meant to me. I felt like over the past few months we’d become real brothers. I think that would’ve pleased our father.
I swallowed hard as I recalled our father’s parting words in his diary.
‘You think it’s over just because I’m dead?’
I wondered what that meant. I hadn’t told Ayden about that. Somehow, I wanted to figure that mystery out on my own. I felt like it was a message just for me. It had been written long after the diary had been completed.
I was so lost in thought
I nearly missed our exit.
“We don’t need another accident again. Pay attention!” Ayden chided me.
I rolled down the windows to let the cool air inside.
“Ahhh, the scent of corn.” Ayden laughed.
“There’s plenty of it. If you like sweet corn, you’ll be in heaven. Amber is probably cooking some tonight for dinner.”
“What? No cook here?”
I nodded. “Nope. Amber enjoys cooking and she’s really good at it. You should taste her lobster bisque.”
“Really?”
“Better than that little place on the Maine coast we went to.”
“Schooner’s?”
“That’s the one.” I pulled the car into the driveway. I stopped at the gate to punch the code in. The huge iron gates parted and I drove the rest of the way to the house.
“Wow. This place is almost as big as your house in the Hamptons.” Ayden marveled at the huge two story brick home. A wraparound porch surrounded the front and sides of the home.
“Moving from New York doesn’t mean giving up luxury. This place is pretty phenomenal. Still, it had a quiet Midwestern flair that we both loved plus it’s off the beaten path. Harder to find that way.” I turned the car off.
Ayden hopped out and grabbed his suitcase. “Fresh air. Does a body good, don’t you think?” He took a deep breath thrusting his chest out.
“Why don’t you get settled and take a shower when we get in? Amber will have something for us to eat.”
“Are you saying I smell?”
I rolled my eyes. “A little. Just do it.” I slugged him on the arm.
Laughing, he disappeared in the house with me.
“Ayden, I was so sorry to hear about Sasha.” Amber sat across the table from me delicately cutting her salmon.
“I think she’ll be back. It’s just temporary.”
I watched as he emptied his plate quickly.
“I’m sure. I know she loves you.”
I studied Amber’s face. She looked exquisite as always, but having Ayden here seemed to make her feel a bit more confident which was odd to me. I was relieved she’d forgiven him, but truthfully, I expected she’d feel a bit awkward with him here. “Well, it’s good to have you here.” I smiled at them both as I finished the delicious salmon.
After dinner ended, Ayden retired to his room citing exhaustion from the trip.
Amber and I snuggled down before the fire. It was the first night since the Mark’s attack she felt relaxed enough to do so.
“How are you feeling tonight, Amber?”
She sighed reaching for her glass of Macallan. “Better. I finally feel a little safe.”
I buried my face in her hair. She smelled soft and sweet as usual. The fire crackled in the fireplace casting a warm, soft glow to the room. “Good. Mark won’t find us here.”
Her laughter filled the room. “Of course not. It’s in the middle of nowhere.”
“Everywhere is somewhere, Amber.”
She sighed cuddling next to me.
I was happy to see her smile. All the stress of the attack and the move had taken a huge toll on her. The first few nights after the attack she’d tried barricading us in our bedroom and staying up all night holding the gun. I couldn’t stand to see her in so much misery. It took everything I had to keep from taking my own gun and hunting Mark down myself. I wanted that fucker dead.
But it was Ayden who’d changed my mind. He said I had too much to live for to sacrifice my freedom for that piece of shit.
“Believe me, Ash, I know what it’s like on the inside. You can’t go there. Ever.”
His voice full of conviction made me drop the gun to my side and grudgingly allow the authorities to handle Mark. There was an APB out on him and as soon as he was spotted, he would be arrested.
Curling up next to Amber, I watched as she slept soundly for the first time since the attack. I allowed myself to drift off to a deep sleep, so I scarcely heard the huge crash that sent Amber screaming.
Bolting upright in bed, I looked over to see Amber. Her face was stark white as she sat next to me screaming.
“What the hell was that?” I jumped from the bed pulling on a pair of shorts. The wail from the alarm system sent a piercing sound throughout the house. I reached underneath the bed for my gun.
Ayden came flying down the hallway dressed only in a pair of black shorts. “Did you hear that, Ash?”
Amber still screaming sat motionless on the bed.
“Stay with her, Ayden. I’m going down to check,” I shouted over the alarm. Holding my gun, I crept down the stairs. I reached the alarm control and punched in the code so that the ear splitting noise would stop. Everything appeared normal in the kitchen and foyer.
The external lights in the back of the house were on. I moved toward the living room where Amber and I had been sitting earlier in the evening. The fire having long since died down glowed slightly red beneath the ashes. As I turned the corner, I saw what had set off the alarm. A huge rock with something white attached to it was lying in the middle of the hardwood floor. Broken glass littered the room.
Sticking my gun in the nearest drawer, I scooped the rock up from the floor. I heard Amber’s screams dying down to sobbing from the master bedroom. The note was attached with a rubber band wrapped around the rock. I removed it as I paused to read.
Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide for a slut. Did you think I couldn’t find you? I’m coming for you both. Don’t try to find me because you won’t. But believe me, I’ll find you.
Rage filled me as I crushed the note and stuffed it in my pocket. I heard footsteps overhead as Ayden came racing down the stairs.
“What the hell happened?” He gestured to the shattered glass.
Ayden bent to pick up the rock. “Kids? Or could it be—?”
Immediately, there was a pounding at the door.
“Police! Mr. Blackthorne, are you in there?”
“The alarm company,” I explained to Ayden as I rushed to open the door.
Two armed policemen stood outside. “We got a call from your alarm service. Is there a problem?”
Ayden handed the rock to me.
Just then, Amber came racing down the steps with her pink silk robe wrapped around her body. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying. “What was it? Was it Mark? It was Mark, wasn’t it? He found us!” She began sobbing as soon as she saw the broken window.
“No, baby, it wasn’t.” I moved to take her in my arms.
“Broken window? How did that happen?” Both policemen walked over to the shattered window.
Ayden handed me the rock.
Amber began to scream. “I told you we wouldn’t be safe, Ash!
He’s here!”
“No, he’s not. It was just some kids I’m sure.”
But Amber wouldn’t stop crying. I whispered to Ayden to take her back upstairs.
“She seems quite upset, Mr. Blackthorne.” One of the policemen nodded as Ayden disappeared with Amber up the stairs.
“She is. Ever since her brother attacked her…”
“Is that what broke the window?” The cop gestured to the large gray rock in my hand.
“This? Oh yes, I assume so.”
“Probably just kids.” The other cop shrugged. “Happens all the time.”
The note was still crumpled in my pocket. I debated if I should hand it over to them.
Upstairs, I heard Ayden trying to comfort a hysterical Amber. Her sobs grew louder.
“I heard you’d had some trouble back in New York. Mark Michaelson was it?”
I nodded.
“If you have reason to believe he did this, we can up our patrols of the area. You could get security officers to guard the home 24/7.”
As I heard Amber still crying, I just couldn’t hand the note over to them. I didn’t want her to know he’d been here. I would take care of this on my own. “No, I don’t. Like you said, it was probably just kids.”
The policemen nodded. “This house had been vacant for a bit. They probably came up here to party in the woods back there.”
“I’m sure that was all. I’ll have someone come out tomorrow to clean up the glass. Sorry you had to come all the way out here so late at night.”
“No problem, Mr. Blackthorne. It’s our job. If you have any more problems, don’t hesitate to call us.”
With that, they left.
As I set about cleaning up the glass, I heard Ayden come down the stairs.
“Sucks when the maid has a night off,” he joked as he watched me dump the glass into a trashcan.
“Shut up.” I hissed. I pulled the note from my pocket.
“What’s this?”
“Just read it.” I leaned back against the kitchen island. The cool air was pouring in from outside due to the broken window.
Darkest Sin Page 71
