by Ada Winter
“Sid, it’s me Celia.”
We talk for about ten minutes. It’s awkward as hell, but we both get through it. He said he was sorry about five times. At one point, he sobbed uncontrollably and I wished I could hug him through the phone. I cried, too. Sid still loves me and he feels nothing but regret and sadness. There was no bitterness, and what was left was his love for me. According to him, that has never wavered. When we hang up, with the promise to speak again soon, I feel a giant burden has been lifted from my shoulders. Feeling light and free, my mind clears a bit.
This is healing. Real healing.
A smile crosses my lips and warms my heart. I can feel it mending from the inside out. It will be a slow process like the time it takes moss to grow on the north side of a tree, but for the first time since that fateful day, I feel like I can heal.
Love is at the center of this. Love for myself, love for my brother and my love for Lane.
Chapter 58
LANE
I was summoned to my father’s office earlier this morning and need to meet him this afternoon. Of all fucking days. Still fighting a hangover, I drag my ass to the shower to rid myself of the grime and sweat from what started as one of the sweetest, then turned into one of the worst, days of my life.
I look like hell, but I don’t care. Celia still hasn’t answered me back, although I know she’s read my messages. She was cold and distant to me last night. Could we survive this?
Every couple faces a test at one point or another, but this one was like the college calculus exam that damn near derailed my academic career. I suck at working numbers and my father wants me to get involved in his financial services business. What the fuck is he thinking? What's his motivation?
I need a shower. I enter the glass-enclosed shower and stand under the two-headed nozzle that sprays water from both sides. These should be standard in every home. Ahhh. The warm water feels good on my body and the steam helps me sweat out the abundance of poison in my body. Mental poison in the form of some really fucked up thoughts and physical poison in the form of way too much whiskey. I can handle my drinks, but not a whole bottle of Jameson’s in one sitting. I lean my head on my forearm against the natural stone side, letting the water works its magic on my overly stressed muscles and ponder.
My dad is up to something, but what? I’ve never known him to do anything in the best interests of anybody but himself. Self-centered bastard. I was a pawn in his next game and he was using the power he had over me, and the desperate position I was in with my failing business to leverage me. It had been a few weeks at this point and he needed my answer. Fuck.
Toweling off now, I put on a casual suit with an open-collared shirt. It is quite a contrast to my father and his gold cuff links, striped suits, and carefully folded handkerchiefs matching the color and fabric of his tie. He is a man who commands respect and I admire that about him. Then there are the men who he controls through fear. I do not admire that.
I make myself a strong pot of Java Joe’s Dark Roast and manage to down a few pieces of whole wheat toast despite my churning stomach. I decide to take a cab across town and pick up my Alfa Romeo from in front of Clancy’s on the way there.
****
Upon arriving, I feel relief to see my car is untouched and still parked where I left it. It isn’t the worst neighborhood in town, but a car like that has a tendency to attract a lot of attention and could make someone a good buck if they could manage to get it to a chop shop.
My mind goes to Jocelyn. Had I thanked her? I sure hope so as she was the closest thing to a guardian angel in my life. I might be laying in the gutter right now next to Clancy’s, sucking on some pavement while flies circled my head, if it hadn’t been for her.
My vehicle roars to life as I put her into gear. I had inadvertently used her as an instrument of terror to scare the shit out of Celia just last night so I don’t have the same warm and fuzzy feeling I usually do when firing her up.
Not far from my father’s office, I slowly make my way as I have a bit of time to spare. Breathing deeply now, I prepare myself for how my life will change once I give my father my answer.
Which answer will it be, though?
Yes, I’ll work for you, make shitloads of money, become a man of power and influence. Or, refuse you, go broke and have no prospects, and make my way through this world without your support.
Yvonne is there and her smile goes from flashy to concerned once she sees me. “You look like you could use some sleep.” She tries not to sound too judgmental as she still wants to score with me.
“Thanks Yvonne, nice to see you, too.” I say this with the best smile I can muster.
It’s 3:05 now. My father is always prompt with his meetings. He would cut someone off mid-sentence if their time was up with him and he was too busy to care. In his mind it was ‘next’. This was one of my father’s many power plays. Make someone sit so that they would sweat out the meeting even more. I don’t think anyone actually wanted to meet with my father as he made them nervous as shit. The basic consensus with people was, ‘let me just get through this and get it over with.’
Checking my texts now, I still have not heard from Celia. Does she even want me anymore? Were we done and I don’t know it yet? This decision would be a lot easier if she revealed her feelings. It would provide me with more information to work with. Maybe it would be better to just accept this job and move on with my life. It would be the final killing of my soul; just what I needed to enter into an agreement with my dad without a guilty conscience about it.
3:15.
What the fuck? Closing my eyes now, I breathe deeply and think of Celia. Her beautiful eyes colored jade, that smile that melts my heart, her unique scent that tantalizes me. My nose in her hair now, I can feel the warmth of her body against me, her smooth cheek on my stubble. Her lips nibbling on my ear.
“Lane, he’s ready for you.” I am abruptly awakened from my vision and Yvonne leads me to the conference room. There he is, dressed like a million dollars, already in the power pyramid and not bothering to shake my hand as I enter.
“Have a seat, Lane.” How about, ‘How are you, son. Good to see you,’ I think as I take the seat directly across from him. My own power play. It’s a good old-fashioned shootout and I want to see his eyes when he draws.
“Good, Father. You?” He measures me up, trying to read my body language. Poker face. I’m not going to give up anything easily.
“You look like crap, Lane. What the hell happened to you?”
“Just a small bug I caught. No big deal. You look great as always.” A bit of sarcasm is mixed in, but I am beyond caring. I don’t like lying in general, but never really minded when it came to my father. He never believed me when I told the truth anyway.
Pointing the pyramid in my direction, his voice kicks into gear. “You know the stakes for my company now. Collins and his firm are well-entrenched in Boston and that’s a little too close for comfort for us here in Portland. He may choose to set up here and that would not be good for business.”
I nod in agreement.
He then proceeds to lay out his plan for countering that. I would head up the Boston office, receive a nice salary and commissions on all business I managed to bring in. The dollar signs started to dance in my head and I started spending it in my own imagination.
“Have you considered that Collins will block that move at all costs and it could end up costing you in the long run?”
“Lane, I’ve run this business for longer than you’ve been alive. Do you think I haven’t considered all that? All inquiries have been conducted in secret. Trust me, Collins has no idea what’s about to hit him.”
There it is. The motivation. Crush Collins.
Not, ‘this would be a great opportunity for you and me to work together.’ This rivalry, now over a hundred years old, had driven the lives and careers of many an Astor and Collins before me. It was driving my father now. I was his cata
lyst to make that happen. That is, the crushing of the elder Collins.
He could do this without me, but without an Astor at the head of it, it wouldn’t have the same impact. It would be me throwing the punch into the left jaw of Collins and that pleased my father to no end. He was grooming me for this. Raised to hate the Collins with a deep sense of duty to the Astor’s, I can’t say I liked them at all. It was ingrained in me from birth and there was the pride of the family name to consider.
“So what do you say, son? Me and you working together. It will be like nothing we’ve ever done together. It will bring us closer.”
He is pulling out the ‘father and son’ card and he knows this is my weakness. From boyhood to now, it was what I always wanted. Me and my father to be close. To do stuff together. Now he was offering me that.
Then I saw it, first out of the corner of my eye and then it was gone. I was just about to speak and had already opened my mouth when I saw it again making another pass. This time it captures my full attention. I’m engulfed with many different emotions sweeping over me, all at once. I can’t believe my eyes, so I blink, and when I open them, it is still there.
Just outside the window and with large white puffy clouds as a backdrop flies the most beautiful and majestic bald eagle. It soars on the air currents and I can clearly see its white feathered head and yellowish-orange beak. This was a sign if I ever saw one, and I knew right then what my answer will be. I choose Celia.
He looks at me oddly as he glances from looking out the window back to me. I’m not even sure if he saw it. Brimming with the confidence of a man who knows where he’s heading in life, a bright energy surges through me providing the power I need for what came next.
Celia is with me, and the words flow easily. “I would like to thank you for your generous offer, Father. Although tempting, I must respectfully decline.”
I stand now and walk over to him, his face a contorted mask of disappointment and anger. Extending my hand to him, I reach out to shake his and say, “I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.”
He sits there looking at me and refuses to take my hand. For the first time in his life, he is speechless.
Finally he speaks. “You’re making a big mistake, Lane. This is your last chance to reconsider.” His voice shakes slightly with anger.
I am firm and keep my cool. “I’ve made my decision, Father. You will no longer have any control over my life. I am a man, and I will decide my own destiny without your help or your blessing.”
And with that, I leave my father, and walking out of the conference room, I can feel his eyes trained on me. The anger that emanates from him is pure and unfiltered. That’s his story. It always has been. Anger and manipulation are his tools. Not mine.
I will leave anger behind and never look back.
I’m a man driven by love. Love for myself, love for the kids, and most importantly, my love for my Celia.
Chapter 59
LANE
“Hey Tracy, it’s me, Lane.”
“Well, aren’t you just a big fuck-up?” Her voice reverberates through my cell as I pull it away from my ear slightly.
“Yes, you got me there, Tracy.”
“What the fuck, Lane? There are few things you could have done to screw things up that were worse than that. What were you thinking?”
Wow, Tracy doesn’t pull any punches. She’s fiercely loyal to Celia, that much is clear. Tracy and I had always been cool, but now, she is downright furious with me for hurting her friend.
“Listen, Tracy. Everything you said is true. I’m an idiot and I deserve it. I’ve already been through this in my own head a thousand times, and all I want is to get Celia back.”
“Where is this going, Lane? Are you business as usual or are your intentions pure?”
“I love Celia. No, I’m crazy about her. She is the only woman for me.”
I am sincere and I know she can hear it in my voice.
“Why should I believe you, Lane?”
“Because I’ve left the anger behind. Look, Celia knows I love her. I’m convinced of that. She just needs to give me an opportunity to apologize. To make things right. Please.”
“I’ll help you, Lane, but you better not be shitting me about anything we just talked about.”
I cut her off almost before she finishes her sentence. “I love Celia. I just want her to love me back again.” My voice unintentionally cracks just the slightest bit but I don’t care. It’s how I feel.
“Okay, Lane. How can I help?”
“Tracy, I have a question which you may or may not want to answer. Did Celia lose someone close to her in a car wreck? A guy named Mark?” There is silence on the other end of the phone for a minute and I know I struck a nerve.
“Look, Lane, if Celia wants to open that can or worms, if she’s ready to, then she will. I can’t get into it in detail.”
“I just want to know so I can help her through it. She shut down when I tried to talk to her about it before and I respected that and gave her space. But now, that memory is driving a wedge between us. It could end us if we don’t get it out in the open.”
More silence.
“Yes, Lane, she did lose someone when she was pretty young. She loved him and then she lost him.”
I feel a chill go down my spine and into my arms. Poor Celia. Oh baby, I wish I could take away that hurt.
“I’m assuming you mean he died? Did it happen in a fast moving car?”
“I think you already know the answer to those questions, Lane. Don’t make me break the trust between me and Celia. It’s an old wound, Lane, and it runs really deep. That much I can say.”
“She’s afraid that it’ll happen to me, isn’t she?”
“Think about it, Lane. You drive like you have a death wish. Nothing slows you down. If you don’t find a way to slow down, you’ll lose her for sure.”
Those last words stung into me like a flaming dagger and the last part was the twisting of the blade deep in my belly. You’ll lose her for sure. No way. Lose Celia?
Slow down or lose her.
It’s up to me now. This relationship is in my hands. Man up and make changes, Lane, or you’ll lose Celia. Simple.
“Thanks, Tracy. You’ve been a big help.”
“Don’t mention it, Lane. And one last bit of advice. Don’t fuck it up.” Then she hangs up.
Don’t fuck it up.
Great advice.
I thought long and hard about what we discussed. Fuck. It’s who I am, though. She wants me to change who I am. I’m not asking her to change who she is. I love her just the way she is, heart and soul. All of her.
Chapter 60
CELIA
Thinking about Lane now. My mind is wandering to past encounters, sexual ecstasy, and deep connections of the heart. I hadn’t answered him yet. I need time to think and figure out who I am and who I want to be.
Does my life include Lane?
I will search my heart and the answer will come. Lane has captured my heart for sure, but he has damaged my trust since then.
I have taken steps in my life to move forward. Calling Sid was huge. It never crossed my mind that I might actually forgive him. I can’t move forward without forgiveness.
Next, I forgive myself. I say out loud:
Celia.
I forgive you for having bitterness in your heart for so long.
I forgive you for giving up on love in the face of deep hurt.
I forgive you for closing your heart to every man who came after Mark.
I forgive you for shunning Sid for all these years.
I forgive you for needing the time to work through your feelings with Lane.
I forgive you, Celia.
What about Lane? Can I forgive him? What has he really done to me?
He has past issues he’s dealing with just like me. Although I was scared for my safety, that wasn’t about me. It was about Lane a
nd his dad. The position his father had put him in had driven him to that. He would have to choose between me and that new job. What will he decide?
The next step is his. He has to take steps in his life so that we can continue on. Steps to right his past and open him up to the future.
Our future.
Lane needs to come to me with love in his heart and I will forgive him.
Come to me, Lane. Please come. My heart is open.
****
Lying down now to sleep. My mind is free and clear and I know what is meant to be will be. Yet I am restless. Tossing and turning for hours, I decide to connect.
Walking barefoot out in the cool grass, the dew tickling my toes, this feels refreshing and cleansing. Sitting down in the grass now, chin on my knees and arms wrapped around my shins, I am open to the universe.
The stars seem to sparkle extra brightly tonight. A calm falls over me. Love is what makes the universe go round. Love for animals, love for each other, love for ourselves. How much love is out there? Is it limitless?
Nature reminds me of what is important and vital to life. The sun, the moon, the stars, water, oxygen, and sustenance. Nature is sustenance for our souls. Not enough people know this. Or they do, but don’t embrace it fully. And then, of course, there is love.
Out here, I am my own true self. Literally and figuratively, I am naked. Stripped down to the bare skin of who I am. There are no clothes, makeup or hairstyles to judge. There is only me, naked and pure like I entered this world. In times like this, we must humble ourselves and sit naked and bare and ask the universe for guidance. We must trust in its judgment. What will it be universe? What will my life look like?
Just then, I sense another presence there with me in the field. It is warm and loving, and not threatening in any way. It is filled with love and has an open heart. Naked and bare, the presence approaches me and envelops me in warmth and love. Two strong arms wrap around me and pull me into a naked form I am deeply familiar with. We stay wrapped like this for some time, love flowing between us, unencumbered. Initially, there are no words. I dare not speak or turn around. Lane holds me now me with tenderness and care and any weight he carried with him has already been shed.
