Jessie watched them for a time from the front porch. She saw Annie and Miguel taking a stroll, and smiled in pleasure. It was obvious to everyone that the couple was smitten with each other. She liked the girl and trusted her. She was in favor of a match between the two, but it was happening awfully fast.
Fast? her mind taunted as she went to her room for privacy. Instant love and attraction were things she knew too well. The moment she had gazed into Navarro’s eyes, she had been lost to him. Each hour in his company had entrapped her more, until she hadn’t wanted to escape. In all honesty, she had tried to forget Navarro. She had tried to make the hurt and anger go away. Each time he returned to her mind, she had closed the door. Yet cracks around the jamb had allowed parts of him to slip past her barrier. Her mind told her it was wrong and unfair to pine over him and the life they could have shared, but her heart couldn’t help but do so at weak moments.
She wanted and needed to get over her lost dream, to embrace her reality, but it was so hard, more than she had realized. Sometimes his memory was so vivid that it seemed as if he would return from a day on the range at any moment, just as on some days she briefly forgot her father was gone forever. Yet Jed’s loss was more real than Navarro’s was, and she didn’t know why. Perhaps because she knew Navarro was still alive somewhere and could reappear before her. She was forced to admit she still loved and desired Navarro Breed, and she still yearned and watched for his return.
Jessie knew that was foolish, and cruel to her husband. It would soon be three months since Navarro had gone. She resented him for not sending word, not letting her know he was safe, that he was suffering as she was—that he still loved her and hadn’t changed his mind about returning. She needed a last message from him before she could truly break with the past. The silence was eating at her nerves.
Matt sensed that turmoil, she decided, even though she herself hadn’t been aware of it. She had been so caught up in other matters and emotions that she hadn’t realized how hard she was struggling to keep Navarro out of her mind; when, all the while, he was lurking in her heart and waiting to spring on her.
That wasn’t her fault, she vowed. She wasn’t to blame for loving the desperado. Love wasn’t something that came and went on schedule like the seasons. It wasn’t an emotion that could be controlled. She wasn’t guilty of not trying to make a new life and not trying to turn to a new love. But, did innocence and determination matter? She didn’t know, but she wanted it to.
Matt was a good man. He deserved more than half of her, more than a marriage in name only. But Matt was right: she couldn’t rush the healing process or make him a substitute for Navarro. Her husband had to win her heart before she could yield her body to him. But was he right about keeping her at a distance?
At times she was tempted to surrender to her husband. She truly desired Matt, and she yearned to free the passions that Navarro had once unleashed. Mathew Cordell stirred them to life some nights with his touch, kisses, and tenderness. He often made her head spin, and her body tremble, but he never tried to make love to her. He seemed content as things were. Perhaps, she worried, he didn’t desire her as Navarro had.
She had accused herself of being wanton for thinking of Matt that way so soon after Navarro’s departure. But was she so wrong? Wicked? Unnatural? How so, when Matt was her husband? When she had known him forever? When, perhaps, she had always loved and desired him and failed to recognize her feelings? Perhaps it was because the two men and situations were so different.
Navarro had been a wild and urgent temptation. She had been helpless to resist his allure. He had ridden into her heart and life when she was vulnerable and felt so trapped by her role as Jed’s “son.” He had made her feel strong, alive, and free. He had given her adventure, romance, and her womanhood. He had come along at the right time to become her confidant, partner and solace. Maybe, she mused, those were meant to be his only roles in her life.
Perhaps Mathew Cordell was her real destiny. Matt’s love was different. It was calm, tender, safe, and nourishing. It was honest and pure. She knew everything about Matt; no shadows surrounded him. She and Matt were compatible in personality and background, but she hoped not too much alike to prevent sparks of excitement and mystery. Yet, after only a short marriage, they were like a longtime couple. Their marriage was comfortable and tranquil. But what about passion, romance, temptation? Amidst the steady coals, there had to be occasional sparks of fiery sensuality to ignite her soul, to make her burn with desire. Yet she had to think of the fugitive as a turbulent and brief adventure, and Matt as a serene and permanent haven.
She felt her flat stomach. It was hard to believe she was pregnant with another man’s child. Often, Navarro seemed only a dream to her. Matt was reality. She had a good life and family. It would be stupid to ruin them. If only she knew how she would feel if she ever saw Navarro again. What if he rode up, took her in his arms, and said, “I love you. I’m free. I can stay forever if you still want me,”?
Jessie knew she could never go on the run with the fugitive. But what if Navarro could return to her side? Could she break her vows to Matt and to God and to herself? And break Matt’s heart a second time?
Jessie searched her soul and realized the answer was no. Yet, she comprehended that it would take all her strength to turn Navarro down should he return for her. But Mathew Cordell and their life together was worth that painful sacrifice.
Her conversation with Matt last night returned to haunt her troubled mind. She had accepted his words and had agreed with them, at least verbally. In silence, they had returned to the house. They hadn’t touched in bed or kissed good night as usual. All day he had been quiet, serious, and reserved, like the old Matt. She knew he was hurting, and her heart ached for things beyond her control.
Jessie closed her teary eyes and prayed for the next six months to pass swiftly and mercifully. Until Navarro’s child was born, her body and life were tied to the past. All she could do was wait, hope, and pray she didn’t lose her second love while imprisoned by her first bittersweet experience.
The men left for roundup the next morning. While Annie was hanging up wash, Jessie and Gran did the dishes and talked. The distressed redhead told her grandmother of her thoughts.
“What am I going to do, Gran? I feel so helpless. I’m trapped between them. I love them both, but in different ways. I can’t have Navarro, but I have Matt. Navarro is a landslide, but Matt is stable ground. I want him and need him, Gran, but he won’t reach out to me as long as he thinks I’m bound to Navarro.”
Martha sympathized and comforted her troubled granddaughter. “Matt’s right, Jessie,” she said, “Time is all you need.”
“It can work against us as much as for us, Gran. So much happened with Navarro; so many unfamiliar emotions were involved. I was lost in a sandstorm before I knew what was happening to me. I was too susceptible to Navarro’s spell, too inexperienced and naive. I was just one of the boys, Jed’s ‘son’ and heir. I’d never had such feelings before. Now, every time I dam them up, something happens to let them break free again. I’ve honestly tried to forget him, and I usually do a good job at it. But Matt can’t forget our past together. It’s so hard for him to accept the fact Navarro had me as he hasn’t yet.”
“He loves you, Jessie. He wants to be the only man in your heart and life.”
“It’s too late for that, Gran. I wish I could change what happened, but I can’t.”
“Then you and Matt must learn to accept it.”
“I hope we can. I do love him and want him, Gran, but I’m not sure he believes me. I’m so afraid I’ll lose him before he realizes the truth. You know how stubborn and destructive pride can be.”
“He needs time, love, and patience, too, child.”
“Time!” Jessie exploded. “That damned word sounds as dangerous and frightening as our old enemy Fletcher was!”
“Don’t work yourself up, Jessie. It isn’t good for the baby.”
“Good fo
r the baby? Everything I’ve done lately has been for the baby. Navarro’s child is ruining my life with Matt. I wish it were his, Gran; I really do.”
“Don’t blame an innocent child, Jessie,” she scolded in a soft tone.
“I’m sorry, Gran. You’re right, as always. I do love it and want it. It’s mine. But sometimes it seems so unreal,” she said, glancing at her slim waist.
“That’s because the daily sickness is gone and you aren’t showing yet. Living with Matt while it grows inside you will make it feel like his.”
“To me, yes; but to him, no. I’m afraid he’ll always see it as Navarro’s. Maybe it was a mistake to let us believe it will be ours.”
“No, Jessie, it wasn’t a mistake. You’ll see.”
“Will I, Gran? How can Matt bear to watch me bloom from another man’s seed? He’ll come to hate me. I would rather Navarro feel that way than my Matt. What am I going to do, Gran? How can I hold Matt’s love and respect until I become his wife? Losing him would be far worse than losing Navarro.” She began to cry.
In a few minutes, Matt called out from the parlor, “Jessie! I’m back! I forgot something! Where are you?”
Jessie panicked. She couldn’t let him see her like this. She wiped her eyes on her apron and yelled, “In here, Matt!”
He came to the kitchen, glanced at her, Gran, then back to Jessie again. He came forward and asked, “What’s wrong?”
“Something in her eye,” Gran said, which wasn’t totally untrue: there had been tears.
Matt tilted her head upward and gazed into her eyes. He read anguish and panic in them. “It’s gone now. You must have washed it out. I came back for my duster. It gets cool some nights on the range. We’ll be back in a few days. If you need anything, send one of the hands. We’ll be in the south pasture.”
“I’ll be fine, Matt. Don’t worry about me.”
“That’s a husband’s job. Walk me upstairs?” he asked.
“Of course.” With his arm around her waist, Jessie accompanied him.
Jessie leaned against the wall near the bedroom door as Matt fetched his duster from the closet. As he walked toward her, their gazes locked. Matt dropped the boot-length garment of water-resistant canvas to the floor. He stepped in front of her and propped one hand against the wall over her head. The other hand lifted a henna curl and toyed with it. Jessie was baffled and mesmerized.
“I also forgot to tell you I love you,” he murmured just before his mouth covered hers. His hand released the curl and shifted behind her head to hold her close.
Matt’s kiss was deep and passionate. His other hand left the wall and both cupped her face as his mouth continued to pleasure and stimulate hers.
Jessie was astonished, taken off guard. Going almost limp, she leaned against the wall for support. Matt pressed closer, his full length snug against hers, and his mouth worked hungrier at its tasty feast. Jessie felt dizzy, weak, and breathless. A hot flush spread over her quivering body. She was lost in a golden swirl of emotions. Her hands slipped up his back. She clung to him and returned her husband’s tantalizing kiss with an ardor that surprised both of them. A soft moan escaped her throat as Matt spread a fiery trail over it. She trembled with longing for more, much more. She wanted him to carry her to the bed and finish what he had started—a sensual journey to discovery.
Instead, Matt’s hands drew her head to his chest and held it there. He kissed her hair, then took several deep breaths. Jessie felt the tension and craving in him. She heard his heavy breathing and thudding heart. She felt the strength of his hard body.
“I love you, Jessie, now and always. Nothing will ever change that. Take care of yourself and our baby. I’ll see you in a few days.” He scooped up his duster and left in a hurry.
Jessie sank against the wall—enflamed, confused, and shaky. Matt had never kissed her or behaved like this before; and she wondered what it would be like to make unrestrained love to him. Wild, fiery sensations begged her to explore that astonishing mystery. So much, she concluded, for thinking Matt’s passions were calm and cozy!
Jessie raced after him. He had secured his duster to his saddle and mounted. She rushed to his horse and looked up at him, flustered and dazed. She just kept staring at him, as if seeing him fully for the first time.
Matt looked down at his wife’s rosy cheeks. Her gaze held a mixture of bafflement and desire. “Did I forget something else?” he asked.
His voice returned hers. “You’re quite a surprise, Mathew Cordell.”
A broad grin revealed his white teeth and played mischievously in his dark eyes. “I figured it was past time I stopped being just a dependable, nice friend and started showing you how I really feel about you, woman. You asked me if I wanted and needed more from you, and I didn’t answer. Well, I do, Jessie. I’m not a martyr. My head was clear when I staked my claim on you. I was the one who took advantage during a hard time, not you. But I realized you were believing you owed me something. I must be loco, because I haven’t been doing anything to help you get over Navarro and turn to me. If I stand back, it’ll take longer to heal and will hurt more. I’m the medicine you need, Jessie, not time. From now on, woman, I’m gonna work on proving I can be anything and everything you need in a man, in a husband. Between today and next spring, I’m gonna chase you, romance you, and tempt you until you can’t resist me. That’s a warning and a promise, Mrs. Cordell.”
After the initial shock of his stirring words, Jessie was smiling so much her eyes sparkled. “I’ll hold you to both, Mr. Cordell. I love you.”
Matt leaned over and Jessie lifted herself on her tiptoes so they could kiss. When they parted, Matt said, “I love you, Jessie.”
“Good-bye, Matt. Be careful. You owe me a lot.”
“Don’t worry; I always pay my debts, and collect what’s due me.” Matt rode off with love, pride, and hope in his heart. He was glad he had overheard Jessie’s enlightening talk with Gran. It warned him that he certainly couldn’t win his wife by leaving her alone. He had to show Jessie he was more of a man than she realized. He couldn’t do that by behaving like her brother. After that accidental eavesdropping and the passionate scene upstairs, he knew she loved him and wanted him. Whatever it took, he would defeat Navarro’s ghost!
Matt returned Thursday afternoon. Jessie heard his voice and hurried to greet him. She eyed three days’ stubble on his face, grinned, and fingered it. “I let you out of my sight and care for a while and look what happens,” she teased.
“You know how we boys are on the trail. I only stopped by to tell you we’re on the way to the north pasture. We’ll cull the steers there, move the others to the west section, and get ready to pull out next Wednesday.”
She toyed with the buttons on his shirt. “I miss you already.”
“Good.”
“Can’t you stay home tonight?”
“Nope, not a good idea. You’re too tempting, and my clever plan’s working.”
“Good…I think.” They both laughed, and Jessie remarked, “We need to increase our vocabulary, Mr. Cordell; we’re overworking good.”
“But it’s such a…good word.” Matt chuckled and changed the subject. “Best I can tell, we have between eight and eleven thousand head ready for market. If the price is good”—they both grinned—“we’ll have a nice deal.”
“I hope so. A weak market could hurt us this year. Our cash will be low soon. If we do, Matt, I want to pay off Mary Louise for the ranch. I don’t want to risk problems with her later. You know how she can be. Is that all right with you?”
“It’s your cattle and money, Jessie. The decision is yours.”
“It’s all ours, Matt. Tell me what you think. I trust your opinion.”
“It’s a smart idea. Sorry, Jessie, but I don’t trust your sister, either. The sooner our deed is clear, the better. I best ride before the boys get too far ahead.”
“You’ll be leaving for over two months soon. Will I see you again before you go?”
&n
bsp; “Yep. I’ll visit before we head out.”
“Visit?”
“The less time I spend with you right now, the more you’ll miss me, woman.”
“Part of that clever plan of yours to drive me loco?”
“Not loco, just into my arms.”
“You already have that much.”
“Yep, but like I said, I want you craving me something fierce.”
“More than I already do?” she challenged.
“Yep, a whole lot more.”
“That’s cruel, Mathew Cordell.”
“Nope, just smart.”
“I like you this way,” she murmured. “Possessive, masterful, and cocky.”
“I’ve only gained a little confidence about you, Jessie.”
“Good. It’s about time.” They laughed again.
“Yep, it is. See you soon.” He brushed her lips with his and mounted.
“See you soon, my love,” she murmured, watching his departure.
* * *
Matt rode in Monday afternoon with Miguel. Jessie excused Annie from her chores so she could visit with the vaquero before he left for the months-long mission. She also wanted privacy with her husband, which Gran and Tom respected.
“By the time you get back, you’ll have a beard and long hair, Matt. All you men’ll look like drifters before you get home and cleaned up. I wish I could go with you.”
“Me, too, but it’s too hard and dangerous this time. You need anything?”
She stroked his coarse jawline. “Besides you, my stingy husband?”
He backed away with hands raised and jested, “Behave yourself, Jessica Cordell. We have to get back. We’re heading off at dawn Wednesday.”
“Why can’t you stay home tonight?” she urged.
He waxed serious. “You know why.”
“That’s no longer a reason, Matt. You can’t make it back to camp by dark.”
Matt was afraid of hurting Jessie and not giving her pleasure in her condition. He didn’t know much about such things. When they came together the first time, he wanted it to be special, passionate, and fulfilling. He wanted only the two of them in bed, not anything of Navarro’s sharing it. He dared not tempt them tonight, because he wanted her too badly and she was willing to surrender. “Not yet, Jessie. We need to get closer first. We’ll work on it when I return.”
Follow The Wind Page 45
