“But he’s my son. She’s my woman. You stole them while I wasn’t around to guard them.”
Matt reasoned with the distressed man. “Would you rather I had stood back and let your baby be born a bastard? Let Jessie be shamed? Let her run off and be alone? I’ve always loved her. If you hadn’t come along and stolen her from me, she’d have been mine first. Be satisfied with the time and love you shared with her. You have us to thank for getting you out of prison.” Matt related what they had done to help Navarro and why. “Repay us by leaving us in peace.”
Learning that his beloved was behind his release made Navarro wonder. “What if Jessie still loves me and wants me? Is it fair not to give her a choice? Is it fair to keep the truth about me from her?”
“She would never leave her family for you, even if she did love and want you more than me. But she doesn’t, Navarro; believe me. She’s expecting another baby in a few months. Confronting you after all this time could be dangerous for them both. She almost died giving birth to Lane. She suffered bad after you left. Don’t make her hurt like that again!”
“I’m a free man now,” Navarro broke in. “Let her choose between us. I can settle down with my son and the woman I love. I’d raise your children like you’ve raised my son.”
“If Jessie and I didn’t share a real marriage and our children, I would agree. I know how you must be suffering. But others have suffered, too, Navarro. They’ll suffer more if you don’t back down. Lane thinks I’m his father. If you ride up and spill the truth, he’ll be hurt and confused. You’ll ruin Jessie’s name if people learn our secret. You have a responsibility to protect both of them. Think about them, not yourself,” Matt urged.
Navarro had to work through his anguish, guilt, and disappointment. “Like you did years ago when you laid claim to what’s mine? You’re thinking of yourself now, Matt. You don’t want to lose Jessie and all you have with her. You can’t know what I’ve endured. You’ve never been thrown into prison for something you didn’t do. You haven’t been beaten and starved. You were never treated like a half-breed bastard. You’ve never had to give up everything you ever wanted and needed when it was in your grasp because you thought it was too late to keep it. You had a home, a family, a good life. You’ve had Jessie for years, and my son. I can be blamed for many things in my past, but not for deserting my love and child. How can you ask me to walk away, to never see them, to not explain? How can you expect me to give up this second chance?”
“You’re right about some things. You had a bad life, and I’m sorry about that. But I thought Jessie had changed you. I guess prison undid all the good she did you. Call it back to mind, Navarro. Think and feel with your heart. Be unselfish—for her and Lane. Doesn’t it matter how much she loved you and suffered?”
“If Jessie had loved me as I love her, she couldn’t have turned to you so quickly. I understand why she married you. But how could her love for me die? How could she love you and truly become your wife so soon?”
Matt grasped the crux of his confusion and torment. “It wasn’t soon or easy, Navarro. Our love came from sharing years of days and nights together, tending each other when sick, giving help and comfort in times of trouble and hardship, raising our children, planning for our future, and in providing each other with hope and courage and strength. It came from all of those things that draw two people together over a period of time. We didn’t sleep together as man and wife until a year after you’d been gone. Before she could turn to me, Jessie had to lay your ghost to rest. That was a hard and painful battle, Navarro, for both of us.”
The rancher knew that hearing such facts and details was rough on the troubled man before him, but Navarro didn’t interrupt. Matt continued in a soft-spoken and understanding tone. “You know what kind of woman Jessie is; you can grasp why she finally accepted your loss and why she wanted and made a new life with me. She had so much to give, and it was crying for release. I was the one there to receive it.”
“Because I wasn’t around to defend my claim on her and Lane.”
“Partly, but face the whole truth, Navarro. Even if you hadn’t been recaptured, you couldn’t have built a good life with Jessie, not the kind she deserves. You wouldn’t have risked staying and you wouldn’t have taken her on the run. You wouldn’t have sentenced your love and child to a miserable existence of stolen visits. I think you’re more of a man than that and your love is stronger than that, too. Don’t punish her for seeking the safe and happy life you wanted for her, the kind you wanted with her but couldn’t have. I know it’s hard to see another man in her life. I felt that way about you from the moment you arrived here long ago and I saw that gleam in her eyes for you. I held her in my arms and comforted her while she cried over you. I watched her bloom with your seed. I was with her when she almost died bearing your child. I delivered your baby and tended both of them. Yes, I know what it’s like for the woman you love to belong to another man. But all those days we spent together and all those things we shared made us cling to each other.”
Matt saw his rival was listening closely to him. “We always liked each other and respected each other. I watched Jessie grow from a tomboy into a woman. I saw her open up and come alive because of you. She was hurting, and needed me for comfort and strength. You two met at a time when each needed the other. That time has passed, Navarro. You and Jessie have different destinies. You have to seek yours elsewhere, but hers is with me, here with our children. Your relationship was meant to help you both change and grow, to prepare you both for your real destinies.”
“She was my destiny, Matt,” Navarro argued. “She is my destiny.”
The rancher shook his head. “No, each of you was a marker on the other’s trail to point the way, but not a final destination. She loved you, but she had to get over you. I helped her do that. I admit I did everything I could to slay your ghost. You’d have done the same in my place. Surely you didn’t want her to pine and suffer for years. I swear to you we love each other and have a good life together. I don’t think it could be the same for you and her because you can’t have a real life based on fiery passion alone. You have to have all of that time and those things that Jessie and I have shared.”
“I was denied them because of prison, Matt.”
“For whatever reason, Jessie was taken from your arms and put into mine. Be honest with yourself, Navarro—what kind of life could you have given her for the past five years, even if you hadn’t been recaptured? What would it have been like if she’d run off with you? Or been like for her as Jessie Breed, wife of a prisoner or widow of a hanged man? You didn’t want such an existence for her; that’s why you left, left alone. You told her you wouldn’t return, to start a new life. Now you act as if her doing so was a sin and betrayal.”
Those words stung, because Matt was right. Navarro had told Jessie he was never coming back, not to wait for him. He had pushed her toward another man, toward Matt. Jessie and Gran had said Matt was a lot like him, and Matt had been like part of their family for a long time. He had witnessed their closeness. How could he blame Jessie for turning to Matt for love and comfort?
“I need her, Matt. She is my heart. Dreams of her kept me going in prison.”
“That’s over and you have to wake up. What you need is what she’s already done for you. Don’t ask for more; I’m begging you.”
Navarro knew he had lost this vital battle, but he made one last thrust at his rival. “If you aren’t afraid she’ll pick me over you, why can’t I see her and let her choose? At least explain the truth and say a final good-bye? If you’re so confident and what you’ve said it true, what difference can our meeting make?”
Matt perceived his victory, but he didn’t gloat. “Jessie doesn’t deserve to be pulled between us, and I don’t want to put her under such tension. I told you she’s expecting another child. It could be hard on her to see you and talk to you, knowing she had to hurt you again. There’s also the men, our hands; if they see you with Lane, much as
you two favor each other, they’ll guess the truth. You don’t want them to know about the truth of his birth. They’ll wonder why you left Jessie in that condition and why you never returned. If you didn’t relate the whole truth about your past and prison, they’d think badly of you. They liked you and respected you, Navarro; leave it that way.”
“But I want Jessie to know the truth, Matt. I don’t want her to hate me for what she thinks I did.”
“She doesn’t, Navarro. Can’t you see that in how she helped with your pardon? You were Jessie’s first love; she’ll always have special feelings for you. After she has the baby, I’ll tell her everything, I swear it. I’ll even walk farther with you: when you get settled somewhere, send me your address and I’ll keep you informed about Lane and Jessie. If either of them ever needs you, I’ll let you know. But you’ll need to pick a name to use until I can tell her everything. And if anything happened to me, I’d make certain Jessie knows how to reach you.”
“I was offered a job by the Arizona governor. Seems the remaining Apaches, under Nana and Geronimo, are raiding again. They know I’m part Apache so they think I can help them prevent more bloodshed. I’ve scouted before.”
“Do it, Navarro; make your new chance work. Use all the things Jessie taught you.” He told him about the loss of his own first love and his acceptance of it. “I found a second love; Jessie did, too. So can you, Navarro. A life with Jessie isn’t possible for you now, so why torment all of us? It’s in your power to be kind or cruel. I won’t try to stop you from seeing Jessie and Lane, but I’m pleading with you to leave us in peace.”
Navarro paced as he considered Matt’s words. He comprehended what it took for a strong, proud man like Mathew Cordell to beg, and he grasped the man’s true motives. His heart ached over this unexpected dilemma. He had been so happy when he was exonerated and set free. Now he felt as if he were staked to a frozen earth and talons of fire were ripping his body apart. “Before I decide, tell me what’s happened during the last five years. How’s Tom, Gran, and the boys?”
Matt told him all he could. He finished by telling Navarro about the locket incident.
Navarro explained. “When I was trapped, I knew I’d be searched once they’d captured me…or killed me. I removed Jessie’s picture and hid it in a small crevice in the rocks. I didn’t want the law to learn about her. While I was distracted, one of the lawmen sneaked up and clobbered me senseless. When I reached prison, one of the prison guards took the locket. I guess he was the man who gambled it away. I surely could have used its comfort while I was there.” He didn’t tell Matt he had recovered the picture, worn and faded.
“Why didn’t they hang you? Jessie said you killed a guard to escape.”
“I was lucky, for once. Another prisoner escaped that same day and he got blamed for that bastard’s death. He was shot, so the law never knew I did it. That’s why I was returned to prison, not swung from a rope. If I’d known I wasn’t charged with murder, I would have turned myself in and finished my sentence so I could earn freedom to return to Jessie. She’d have waited for me.”
“Don’t you see that it wasn’t meant to be for you two? You were cleared of all charges, Navarro. You have an important job offer, a new chance for a fresh beginning. Go after them without hurting everyone here. We’re part of your past, too. Let it die, all of it. Please.”
Navarro paced again in deep thought. If he were the same man he had been years ago, he wouldn’t hesitate a moment before slaying this obstacle to his dream. But he wasn’t the Navarro Breed of five years ago; he had changed because of Jessica Lane. As he lived and breathed, he wanted her with every part of his being!
But, Navarro confessed to himself, Jessie must have changed, too, because their long separation had changed everything. Their destiny was no longer as one. Their trails had parted. It was cruel and wrong to force himself into her new life. He couldn’t think about what might have been; he had to accept reality. He must make this choice—sacrifice—for his love and his child. Jessica Lane…Cordell had earned a new life, and he could not destroy it and her.
Navarro halted and faced his love’s husband. “You win, Matt. You’re right. I love Jessie too much to hurt her again. I love my son, too, even if I’ve never seen him and didn’t know about him until today. Promise me you’ll take care of Jessie and Lane. Promise you’ll send word if they ever need me. You can reach me through the Arizona governor; I’ll accept his job offer. That’ll give me a starting point.”
The rancher shook Navarro’s hand, knowing how hard his decision had been. “You have my word of honor, Navarro. I love them and want what’s best for them. If I believed that was you, I’d step aside. When the time’s right after the baby’s born in September, I’ll tell Jessie everything about today. Thanks, Navarro,” Matt said with a smile of gratitude and tear-filled eyes.
“No, Matt, you can’t tell her about today. That would cause trouble between you two.”
Shocked, Matt argued, “But that isn’t fair to either of you. I can’t lie to my wife.”
“Staying quiet to prevent trouble and heartache isn’t lying.”
“It’s cows in the same pasture,” Matt refuted. “I’d feel dishonest.”
“Listen to me,” Navarro persisted. “Jessie is a proud and tender-hearted person. She’ll be upset we didn’t let her make the choice about seeing me or not. She won’t believe she needed this kind of protection from either of us. She’ll think we treated her like a child. If she learns I was recaptured while trying to return to her, she’ll blame herself for what happened to me after I left here. She’ll feel guilty and tormented for all the years I had to suffer in prison; I told her what that place was like. If she learns her letters got me freed, she’ll feel worse for not trying to help me sooner. I’m sure that’s how she’ll react. She can’t find out you were involved today. She’ll be.angry at you for withholding the truth for months and for excluding her from our decision today. I don’t want Jessie to suffer again, or to cause trouble between you two.”
“But—”
“There’s a better way for her to hear only what she needs to learn,” Navarro interrupted. “Around Christmas, I’ll write her a letter. I’ll tell her I’ve been cleared and have a new life. She doesn’t have to learn about my troubles of the past five years. I’ll tell her I’m fine and safe. I’ll say a friend checked on her for me. I’ll tell her I’m glad she’s married to you, has children, and is doing so well. I’ll thank her for all she did for me, but say it’s best if we don’t meet again. That’ll let her know I’m all right and won’t be back, let her know I’m aware things are good for her. Hearing about today and the last five years would do more harm than good for Jessie and for your marriage. For her to learn you convinced me to leave without seeing her will make her think you doubted her loyalty, love, and strength; she may think I love her more than you do.” Navarro saw the older man grimace at those words. “You told me not to be cruel and selfish, so you do the same. Every time you’re tempted to confess, think of the damage the truth can do to your marriage. We both want her happy and protected; this is the best way, the only way, Matt. A short letter will tell her all she ever needs to know about what happened after we parted.”
When Matt looked worried and reluctant, Navarro added, “If I can accept and conceal the truth because it’s best for Jessie, Lane, and your marriage, so can you. Be strong and generous, Matt; that’s what you’re asking of me. It’s only fair that we partner up this last time to share the responsibility of Jessie and Lane.. How could you feel bad about doing what’s right for everyone?” Navarro reasoned.
“But you’re asking me to deceive my wife. Jessie and I have always been honest with each other.”
“Don’t be foolish, Matt; it could cost you the same things my mistakes have cost me. You can’t just tell Jessie part of what happened here today; if you tell her all of it, you’ll hurt her beyond reason. What happens when she comes to find me to make sure I’m all right? What wi
ll happen when we talk and try to comfort each other? I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to resist her. You’d have her all confused about love and loyalty, gratitude and guilt. Let it go, Matt, for all our sakes. All I ask is that you contact me if Jessie or Lane ever need me. Otherwise, forget the past, forget today, and forget about me.”
Matt contemplated the man’s words. He admitted they made sense, but for another woman, not his Jessie. Navarro didn’t grasp how it was with married couples who loved and trusted each other. Matt was certain his wife would understand and concur with his decision to protect her in her condition. Matt realized that Navarro hadn’t known Jessica Lane well enough long ago, and she had changed—matured —over the years since then. She would not react as the man believed. But Matt was happy and relieved that Navarro was being so unselfish. To prevent fears and worries or Navarro changing his mind, the rancher pretended to agree. “We’ll do it your way, Navarro. Thanks.” Yet Mathew Cordell knew he would reveal the truth about the other man and today as soon as possible.
It was dark outside the Cordell home, but the children were still up, as Matt’s tardy return had made the evening meal late. While Jessie and Gran sewed, the rancher read a bedtime story to Lane and Alice, named after Jessie’s beloved mother. Sometimes he did the storytelling; other times it was Jessie or her grandmother. A story always settled down the children after an active day.
Lane sat on one leg and Alice on the other, with Matt’s arms around them and his hands holding the book they were using tonight: Adventures of the Smallest Pony. It had been read many times before, but they never tired of hearing it again. Matt’s delivery was entertaining as he used several voices for the different characters and created sound effects for the creatures and events. The children smiled and laughed, and sometimes halted their father to ask the same questions or to make the same comments as in past readings.
With love and patience, the rancher replied with the same answers. Often he glanced at his wife and grinned or winked. Jessie would return his smile with adoring eyes. Neither scolded the children for interrupting or quelled their enthusiasm.
Follow The Wind Page 53
