by Fiona Lowe
She made a murmuring sound of agreement.
He huffed out a wry sigh. “Yeah, I know, you told me that, but that part’s the easy bit. It’s the kraken swimming underneath all of it that’s the source of my nightmares and why I’m so scared.” His voice cracked. “The thing is, Millie, if I lost you, it would be ten times worse than losing Charlie. The thought cripples me, and it’s why I was the coward you said I was and why I walked away from us and hurt you so badly. I’m so desperately sorry, and if I had it to do over, I would do it all differently. I want to do it differently right now. Can you forgive me, love me and take a risk on me?”
She stared at him for a long, long moment.
He felt the loss of the battle in the desolation in her eyes and in the sinking of his heart even before she said, “I’m sorry.”
THE raw emotion in Will’s voice tore at Millie’s heart and soul, and tears pricked the back of her eyes. Being told by the man you loved that he loved and adored you wasn’t supposed to cause either of them this much pain.
“I’m sorry that I’m your worst nightmare, Will, but I can’t change who I am.”
He extended his hand toward her. “I love you exactly as you are.”
She wanted to reach out so badly and slide her hand into his, but if she did that, she knew their inevitable parting would undo her completely. Best not to touch him. Best to stay the two separate people they were destined to be.
“I love you, too, Will, but I can’t see how we can be together without both of us coming to resent each other. I understand the source of your fear, but the fear itself is suffocating me. I can’t allow you to restrict what I do.”
“You’re right, and I promise you I’ll wrestle the kraken and get better at controlling it.”
“Words are easy to say,” she said, thinking about the smart watch, the deliberate safe activities and the checking-up phone calls. “Can you honestly tell me you can step away from the diabetes stalking?”
He swallowed, his throat working overtime. “I watched you jump.”
She didn’t see the connection. “So you said.”
He gave her a rueful look. “It almost killed me watching you come out of that plane, not knowing what your blood sugar was, but as two very wise blokes named Ethan and Josh told me, I have to trust you.”
He hasn’t asked you about your blood sugar. A tiny seed of hope shot through her. “Do you trust me?”
“Of course I do.” His handsome face creased in regret. “Me wanting to know your numbers was never about not trusting you. It was about reassuring me that you were safe. I love you, Millie. I love you more than anyone else in the world, and I don’t want to live my life without you in it. You’re my best friend. Please help me make this work for us.”
Both of his hands beckoned her now—hands that would hold her and stroke and caress her, but there were still too many important things that needed to be resolved before she could take hold of them. “Can you step back from being a doctor with me and just be my lover?”
He looked uneasy. “I know I’ve been way too much in your face about your numbers, but I can’t go from that to being a totally disinterested guy, either.”
She accepted his olive branch. “What scares you the most?”
He didn’t hesitate. “You being asleep and alone and having a hypo when I’m not there because you’re in the on-call room or I’m out on a retrieval.”
If she was honest, being alone at night had always scared her a little bit, too, ever since she’d moved out of home. She extended her own olive branch. “Maybe that’s a situation where the smart watch cloud thing can work, but I don’t want you seeing my numbers twenty-four-seven, because you will drive yourself crazy.”
“You know me too well,” he said, his mouth curving into a half smile. “How about this? You decide when you’re on and off the cloud, and you tell me when you’re on so I wear the watch. Deal?”
The tiny shoot of hope expanded inside her. “That sounds like a perfect compromise. Hopefully, they’ll have the cloud password protected soon, too, because I don’t like the fact anyone could see my numbers.”
“I get that.” He rubbed his temple. “So, while we’re defining my role in the diabetic part of your life and keeping the kraken at bay, I’ve got another suggestion I’d like you to think about.”
She instantly tensed at his tentative tone, because he obviously thought she’d hate it. “What’s that?”
“It’s something a regular guy told me, but I won’t do it if you don’t want me to.”
Her anxiety ratcheted up a notch. “Just ask me.”
He tugged at his ear. “If it helps you, I’m more than happy to make those tedious calls to the insurance company and haggle for you. I thought it might be one less thing you have to do, because I know how hard you work at staying well.”
A tear bloomed unexpectedly and slid down her cheek. She brushed it away, but another came and then another. It was ridiculous to be crying because he’d offered to make some telephone calls, but it meant so much to her that he wanted to support her in a way she wanted and needed.
She gave a very unsexy sniff and wiped her nose. “You’d do that for me? Help me try and avoid diabetic burnout?”
“Oh, Millie.” He stepped in close. “I’d walk the ends of the earth for you.”
And then she was making a weird honking sound and he was laughing and pulling her into his arms and burying his face in her hair and saying, “God, I love you so much.”
He lowered his mouth to hers, kissing her gently but affirming his love for her and sealing his promises. When he finally released her lips, he said, “I was scared stiff when you jumped out of that plane, but mostly I was bursting with pride that you did it.”
She slid her fingers between the buttons on his shirt, wanting to feel the warmth from his skin on her fingertips. “I was petrified,” she said honestly. “It was your jump, not mine. I was only ever going to do a tandem.”
He stroked her curls. “Charlie would have done the free fall laughing. I’d have been wetting my pants.”
She stroked his hair. “You do know that you don’t need to do everything Charlie would have done if he’d lived, right?”
“I know,” he said quietly, “but sometimes I need to do some of those things to keep him close.”
She pressed her hand to his heart. “I wish I’d known him.”
“Me too. He was the smart one. He knew how amazing finding the right woman was, and he’d have loved you.”
She smiled up at him. “Exactly how much?”
He grinned at her. “Nowhere near as much as I love you.”
She was never going to tire of hearing him say that. “I love you, too.”
“And I treasure that love and I treasure you.” He suddenly looked serious again. “If you ever get pregnant, I might have to see someone to help me from not driving you crazy about your kidney function.”
She stroked his face, moving to reassure him. “It’s mild damage, Will, and I’ve never been advised not to get pregnant. Believe me, if we’re ever that lucky, I’ll be taking extraordinary care of myself.”
He cupped her face with his hands. “Millie, I know we have a lot of stuff to work out, like me getting a job in Seattle for the next three years, sorting out a new visa, thinking about which country we’re going to live in after you qualify, stuff like that, but someday in the future, will you marry me?”
Her heart somersaulted in her chest, and happiness followed. “You can see a sparkling future full of possibilities?”
“With you by my side, I do. Will you say yes?”
She threw her arms around his neck. “Yes.”
He kissed her until her bones melted, her brain liquefied and she heard the sound of clapping and wooting.
“Get a room, people,” someone yelled.
Will broke the kiss, and when her eyes came back into focus, she saw a crowd of about thirty people standing around smiling at them. He took a bow and gr
abbed her hand, holding it up like he was a referee in a boxing ring. “I’d like you to meet my fiancée, Millie Switkowski. Drinks in the café are on me, but as a doctor, my PSA is if you’re jumping today, stick to soda, coffee or juice.”
Everyone cheered.
Will grabbed Millie around the waist. “Come on, let’s go get some tea from the café and plan the rest of our lives.”
She couldn’t think of anything she’d rather do.
Instant Message from Will Bartlett: Mum, can you and Dad jump onto FaceTime? There’s someone I want you to meet. Will x
Instant Message from Liz Bartlett: Will!!!! Connecting right this second. Can’t wait to meet Millie. Mum xxx
Tara Ralston @TaraR: Kickboxing class 8 pm. Child care and puppy care available with @DrE who excels at both. #OnlyEthan
Bear Paw @BearPaw: Golden retriever puppy has @DrE leashed & all wrapped up. See it here bit.ly/1tj3KhR #OnlyEthan
Ethan Langworthy @DrE: I might do dumb stuff occasionally @BearPaw but laugh all you want because I got the girl. Love you @TaraR.
Bethany Jacobs @Beth_J: No one likes a bragger @DrE. This Twitter feed’s got way too mushy, people.
Bear Paw Heath Services @BearPawHS: Dr. Kelli Meissner, general surgeon, is accepting new patients.
Millie Switkowski @MillieSwit: Look out, Seattle! Will and I have arrived!
Read on for a preview of another Medicine River Romance from Fiona Lowe
MONTANA ACTUALLY
Available now from Berkley Sensation!
The thirty cows blocking the road were a good indication to Dr. Josh Stanton that he was no longer in Chicago. That and the inordinate number of bloated roadkill with their legs in the air that he’d passed in the last few hours along Highway 2 as he traversed the north of Montana. Sure, Chicago had its fair share of flattened cats on its busy inner-city streets, but he’d stake his life no one living between North Halsted and North Wells streets had ever had to step over a deer.
He watched the cows lurch from decisiveness in their chosen direction to utter chaos as two border collies raced at their heels, barking frantically and driving them determinedly toward an open gate on the other side of the road. Josh’s fingers tapped on the top of the steering wheel as they always did when he was stuck in traffic in Chicago’s clogged streets. What was the collective noun for a group of cows? Bunch? Herd? He’d once seen a documentary on ranching in Australia and they’d said “mob” in their flat accent.
He guessed he’d find out the name soon enough, as he was close to finishing his 1,458-mile journey across Wisconsin, Minnesota, North Dakota and three-quarters of Montana.
When he’d left home three very long days ago, he’d thought the north woods of Wisconsin were as isolated as things got, but now, as he gazed around him and felt the howling west wind buffeting the car, he knew Menomonie was positively urban in comparison to the endless grass plains that surrounded him. Where the hell were the trees?
An older man on a horse, whose weather-beaten face told of a life lived outdoors, stopped next to Josh’s low-slung sports car. Josh wound down the window, his gaze meeting jean-clad legs and horse flesh. He craned his neck.
“Taking a trip?” the cowboy asked conversationally, as if they had all the time in the world to chat.
I wish. “Relocating.”
“Yeah?” His gaze took in Josh’s Henley shirt and the computer bag on the seat next to him. “You’re a bit far north for Seattle. Don’t reckon you should risk the mountain roads driving that vehicle.”
Josh automatically patted the dash as if the car’s feelings needed soothing. Granted, his sports car wasn’t the latest model this side of five years, but it was in great condition and he loved it. The buzz it gave him when he drove it more than made up for the extra money it had added to his outstanding loans.
“I’m not going over the mountains,” he said, his mouth twisting wryly as he checked his TripTik. “I’m going to Medicine River County and a town called Bear Paw.”
A town that was wrenching him from his home and staking a claim on his life that went straight through his heart. A town that Ashley had refused point-blank to even consider visiting, let alone living in.
The cowboy called out an instruction to his dogs, who immediately raced behind a recalcitrant calf, and then he lifted his hat and scratched his head. “Bear Paw. Okay.”
Josh wasn’t certain what to read into the statement. Sure, he’d seen a photo on the Internet of the small hospital, but short of that, he didn’t know much else. “My cell’s out of range, so I’ve lost my location on the map, but I think it’s about twenty miles away. Do you know it?”
“Oh yeah. I know it. What takes you there?”
Debt half the size of Montana. “Work. I’m the new physician.”
The man nodded slowly. “Ah.”
Unease skittered through Josh’s belly. What did the cowboy know that he didn’t? “What the hell does ‘ah’ mean?”
He laughed. “Relax, son. Your trip’s over.”
As the last cow finally conceded the grass was indeed greener on the pasture side of the fence and had moved through the gate, Josh looked down the now clear road and saw nothing. Nothing if he discounted some sort of a crop and a hell of a lot of sky. He squinted and just made out what looked like a communications tower. “So where’s the town?”
The older man pointed down the dead-straight road. “Three miles gets you to the outskirts and another mile to the traffic signal. Two miles past that, you’re done with the town and heading to the mountains.”
That distance in Chicago wouldn’t even get him from his apartment to his favorite deli. How small was this place? “What if I turn at the traffic signal?”
“Right? Now that will take you straight to Canada, eh.” He grinned at his own joke.
The town couldn’t possibly be so small. “According to Wikipedia,” Josh said, “it’s got a population of three thousand people.”
The cowboy scratched his head again. “I guess if you include the ranches, it does. It’s surely bigger than Bow. Mind, just about everywhere’s bigger’n Bow.”
Disbelief flooded Josh as he remembered passing a rusty town sign. “That place with the tavern and nothing else?”
“Yup, that’d be Bow.” He shoved his hand through the open window. “The name’s Kirk McCade. Welcome to Bear Paw, Doctor.”
Josh gripped his hand. “Josh Stanton.”
Kirk slapped his hand on the roof of the car. “No doubt this baby is a sweet ride, but once you’ve settled in, best buy yourself an outfit.”
“A what?” Surely the cowboy wasn’t talking about clothes.
“A truck, a pickup. Winter here’s tough on vehicles.”
A slither of indignation ran up Josh’s spine. He might not be used to wide-open spaces, but he knew weather. “I’ve just spent two years in Chicago, so I know all about winter.”
Kirk laughed so hard Josh worried he’d fall off the horse.
KATRINA McCade loved her family dearly, but there were some days she wished they didn’t have her cell phone number. Today was one of those days. Every time she got the paint roller primed, raised and in position, ready to paint the living room walls of her cottage, her phone beeped. Over the last hour, almost every member of her family had contacted her.
Her father had been the first—brief and to the point—calling to confirm that she was cooking supper tonight for her mother’s birthday. She’d reassured him, and the moment he’d hung up, her mother, who had no clue about the surprise birthday supper, had called. She’d wanted Katrina to check the menu at both Leroy’s and the Village Lounge and book the one with the best steak special because her father loved his beef. Even on her birthday, she was thinking of others. Ten minutes after that, her phone had vibrated with the sound of a motorcycle, which meant her younger brother, Dillon, was texting her.
Please buy gift for Mom that looks like I chose it. Also wrap it cos I suck at bows.
The moment t
hat missive had pinged onto her phone, her younger sister called wanting dating advice.
Dating advice? Hah! Katrina gave the roller such a hard push that it skated across the wall spreading paint in a wide arc instead of the even vertical plane she’d intended. When Megan, her twenty-one-year-old baby sister, had asked her opinion on the best way to hook up with her latest crush, it had taken all of her self-control not to blurt out that all men required a police check, marital status verification and blood tests before the first date. Only such a caustic comment would have invited questions she didn’t want to answer. Instead, she’d suggested Megan invite a friend to go with her to the Jack-Squat bar.
Her sister had hinted that maybe Katrina might like to come along and meet the guy in question and give her opinion, but the thought of driving an hour and a half south tomorrow night and spending time in a loud and noisy bar with a group of college kids was the last thing Katrina wanted to do. It made her feel old. No way did she need any more reminders that her thirtieth birthday was bearing down on her as fast as the Amtrak that ran through Bear Paw every day at noon. Heck, since coming back to her hometown a few weeks ago after working away for eight years, she’d deflected so many questions about her lack of a boyfriend and her future plans, she could teach a course.
A fine spray of paint dusted her as she found a rhythm, and a sense of satisfaction built on seeing her progress. Her phone buzzed again and she sighed. The only person in her immediate family whom she hadn’t spoken to so far this morning was her older brother, Beau. Technically, he was her cousin, but for as long as she could remember, Beau had lived with them and she considered him a brother as much as her parents considered him their son. He preferred to text rather than to talk, but he’d probably just realized the date and wanted her to buy a present for their mother as well. Men!
Wiping her hands on her paint-stained shorts so that she didn’t swipe paint onto the phone’s touch screen, she hit accept, not recognizing the number. “Hello?”
