by Marion Pauw
DEDICATION
FOR NADJA AND JIRI
CONTENTS
Dedication
Chapter 1: Ray
Chapter 2: Iris
Chapter 3: Ray
Chapter 4: Iris
Chapter 5: Ray
Chapter 6: Iris
Chapter 7: Ray
Chapter 8: Iris
Chapter 9: Ray
Chapter 10: Iris
Chapter 11: Ray
Chapter 12: Iris
Chapter 13: Ray
Chapter 14: Iris
Chapter 15: Ray
Chapter 16: Iris
Chapter 17: Ray
Chapter 18: Iris
Chapter 19: Ray
Chapter 20: Iris
Chapter 21: Ray
Chapter 22: Iris
Chapter 23: Ray
Chapter 24: Iris
Chapter 25: Ray
Chapter 26: Iris
Chapter 27: Ray
Chapter 28: Iris
Chapter 29: Ray
Chapter 30: Iris
Chapter 31: Ray
Chapter 32: Iris
Chapter 33: Ray
Chapter 34: Iris
Chapter 35: Ray
Chapter 36: Iris
Chapter 37: Ray
Chapter 38: Iris
Chapter 39: Ray
Chapter 40: Iris
Chapter 41: Ray
Chapter 42: Iris
Chapter 43: Ray
Chapter 44: Iris
Chapter 45: Ray
Chapter 46: Iris
Chapter 47: Ray
Chapter 48: Iris
Chapter 49: Ray
Chapter 50: Iris
Chapter 51: Ray
Chapter 52: Iris
Chapter 53: Ray
Chapter 54: Iris
Chapter 55: Ray
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
CHAPTER 1
RAY
There’s not much difference between transporting a prisoner and moving a load of hogs. They have to get to their destination in one piece. And that’s all, really.
I was handcuffed. I felt uncomfortable and clumsy. It took all my concentration not to lose my balance as I climbed into the van. My escort, a guard with a square-shaped head, gave me a shove. It wasn’t deliberately brutal, just rough indifference.
“Hurry up.” The only words addressed to me directly. I staggered, regained my footing, and sat down on the leatherette seat.
Ostentatious jingling of keys. The scrape of metal on metal. The cage clanged shut; I was being moved inside a cage.
I’d been locked up for eight years. I had grown partial to the monotonous rhythm of my days, but I had never gotten used to the bars.
The van’s windows were shaded. I was seeing the outside world again for the first time, only through a dark, gray film. Still, I’d been looking forward to the trip. To see cars driving along, and trees, and teenagers riding their bikes into the wind. Maybe even a train racing us alongside the highway. Or boys on top of the overpasses yelling at the cars whizzing by below. The kind of things you don’t get to see on TV because they’re too commonplace, but that make you even sicker with longing for the world outside.
The van set off. I was being transferred from the prison in Amersfoort to the Hopper Institute in Haarlem.
I hadn’t quite figured out if my transfer to the forensic psychiatric unit was something to be happy about. I’d had far too much time to think about it, the same way I had far too much time to do everything. There were days when I felt optimistic. A less strict regimen. A cell all to myself. More diversity in the daily routine. One step closer to freedom.
And then there were days when I was so angry and frustrated that I couldn’t see the plus side of anything anymore. When I just wanted to get home to my fish. I was very worried about my fish. At night I’d picture them floating belly-up. A stinking pile of zebrasoma, holocanthus, and amphiprion. I’d yell and scream until the entire cell block was awake.
“It’s the nutcase again.”
“Yo, freak, shut the fuck up!”
“I’ll get you tomorrow—you better watch your back, motherfucker.”
But in actuality, no one ever laid a finger on me, not once. It wasn’t like on those TV shows. The prisoners spent the greater part of the day just bullshitting. Every now and then a scuffle would break out over something minor, like a missing pack of cigarettes. But rape wasn’t their thing, and nobody knocked anybody’s teeth out to get better blowjobs, either.
Instead they just made fun of me. Once, when I was in the shower, I had my clothes stolen. I sometimes had my mother’s monthly letter ripped out of my hands and read out loud in the rec room. My food was spat on almost daily. But did they ever touch me? Never.
If I wouldn’t stop screaming, the guards would make me swallow a pill to calm me down. And the next day everyone would act as if nothing had happened. Sometimes they simply ignored me. Months would go by when nobody would sit next to me at mealtimes. It didn’t bother me. All I ever wanted was to be left alone.
The A28 and A1 highways hadn’t changed much since 2003. I pressed my nose to the window and tried to take in as much as I could: the clouds (though in prison I’d seen plenty of those), the meadows, and the water especially.
“Hey! Stop sliming up the window,” said the guard. He was sitting next to the driver in the passenger seat and had twisted around to look at me. “Sit up straight.”
I wanted to look out. I wasn’t about to let them take that away from me after all I’d been deprived of already.
“A bad attitude means leg irons.” The guard turned to face the front again. “Asshole.” He said it under his breath, just a barely perceptible distortion of the mouth, but I heard it. Of course he wasn’t allowed to say that sort of thing. I had read the rulebook. Too much time on your hands makes you do things like that. It said that a prisoner’s escorts had to make sure that “the transport not heighten existing stress levels.”
I was used to being cussed at; I’d been subjected to far worse. So you could argue that the word asshole didn’t heighten my stress level, and so the guard hadn’t done anything wrong. But it was certainly open to question. I thought about writing a complaint. Though in the institution I wasn’t sure if I’d still have too much time on my hands. I was being sent there for court-ordered rehabilitation, after all—I’d be undergoing therapy so I could be reintegrated into society someday. Or so the pamphlet I’d received some weeks before my transfer said, anyway.
“Do you know who this is?” the guard asked the driver, with a jerk of the head in my direction.
I doubted they were allowed to talk about me in my presence.
“It was all over the papers, remember it? Freak here gets rejected by his pretty little neighbor and goes berserk. First he takes it out on the lady herself, then on her little girl, only four years old. Once he’s done hacking and slicing, he lights up, cool as a cucumber. Stubs his cigarette out on the dead kid. Can you imagine?” The guard turned back toward me. “I bet you liked that, didn’t you? Did it give you a hard-on?”
I pressed my nose against the window. There was an SUV driving alongside. Two little kids were belted into zebra-print car seats in the back. A boy and a girl, twins by the looks of them, about three years old. Both with curly blond hair, and the girl made me think of Anna, the little girl next door. I swallowed, to get rid of the metallic taste of blood in my mouth.
The driver said in a loud voice, “We could drive the car into a ditch, let the fucker drown in his cage.”
“Accident—ooh, sorry!” The guard glanced over his shoulder to make sure I’d
heard.
“And then we’ll just sit there and have a smoke.”
“A big fat joint, you mean.”
I gazed at the little girl in the SUV. It felt as if we were making eye contact, but that was impossible, of course, since I was sitting behind dark glass. Her eyes were wide open and she had long lashes. Like one of those dolls. Eyes that just stare at you and only shut when you lay it down on its back.
We drove up to a high wall topped with metal spikes. A gate swung open and we entered some sort of dock. For a moment we were stopped inside a fluorescent-lit concrete enclosure. Cameras zoomed in from all sides.
“Smile for the camera!” said the driver. Snickering. The gate lifted and we were let through.
We arrived at a sand-colored, horseshoe-shaped building. The van stopped in front of the entrance. The guard-escort got out, rattling his bunch of keys until he found the right one. Finally, the cage clicked open.
“Get out.”
I got to my feet with difficulty. The handcuffs were tight around my wrists; my hands tingled. I almost fell on my face getting out. The guard caught me, but let go again as soon as he could, like a garbage man handling trash.
He herded me ahead of him up some steps. I felt sick. Horribly sick.
Automatic doors slid open. We stepped inside a small hall; on one side was a reception desk attended by a woman with hair the color of a maraschino cherry. She glanced up, then went on with her phone call uninterrupted. Who was she talking to? Was she talking about me?
Another guard walked up to us and began searching me without saying a word. He frisked my body with his big hands. I tried to remain calm. Tried not to let him touch me, even though he was running his hands along my crotch and the inside of my thighs. Then I was led through a metal detector.
A man in a red T-shirt was waiting for me on the other side.
“Welcome, Ray,” he said. “Welcome. I’m Mohammed de Vries, a social worker in the orientation unit. That’s the unit you’ll be in for the time being. You can call me Mo.”
“Mo,” I repeated. I knew his kind. The jolly ones. The ones who pretend to be your friend at first and then drop you without a word.
“First I’m taking you to the medical station for drug and alcohol evaluation. After that you’ll be going on to the orientation unit.”
“Can’t the handcuffs come off?” I asked.
“Not yet.”
“Why?”
No answer.
“Why not?” I asked again.
“Will you sign for him?” The guard shoved a clipboard under the nose of the man I was allowed to call Mo. Mo printed his name and then signed. “Just like taking delivery of a FedEx package, eh, Ray?” He winked.
“Okay, then, later.” The guard left through the sliding doors.
“Walk with me?” asked Mo.
As if I had a choice.
CHAPTER 2
IRIS
I am a professional. Or, at least, I start each day resolving to be. Even when that includes having to represent middle-aged men who do nasty things to naive young women and fatten their wallets while doing so.
I had agreed to meet Peter van Benschop at one of those overpriced restaurants in the Financial District. He was seated by the window, tapping away on his smartphone. It must be said that Peter van Benschop was a lot less dignified than the rest of the Van Benschops. The only child not involved in the family’s thriving shipbuilding business.
“Mrs. Kastelein, so nice to meet you.” He rose to his feet and spoke so loudly that I wondered if he had a hearing problem. His handshake was, predictably, crushing.
We sat. I slung my handbag over the back of my chair, folded my hands, and said politely, “Mr. Van Benschop, what can I do for you?”
A waiter came and inquired what we would like to drink. I asked for a glass of fresh orange juice. Van Benschop ordered a double espresso.
“I take it you’ve had a look at the case?”
“I’ve read the letter from the plaintiff’s lawyers, yes.”
With a smirk: “And the DVDs?”
“I have received those, too.”
“And?”
“It isn’t my favorite form of entertainment, let’s leave it at that. But from a legal point of view it’s an interesting case.”
“You think I’m a pervert, don’t you? A dirty old man.”
“Is that how you would describe yourself?”
“No, but that’s how you see me.”
I gave it some thought. He had a point. But then I smiled and said, “You’re not that old, surely.”
“Go on, admit it. You find me revolting. You think I like to hurt women. And yet I get stacks of fan mail from women. Highly educated, intelligent women like yourself.”
The waiter brought us our drinks. “Have you had a chance to look at the menu?”
“I’d like a cup of tomato soup, please,” I said.
“The club sandwich with fries. Ketchup, hold the mayo.”
The waiter nodded pleasantly and left us.
“There are plenty of mixed-up people in the world. Even women. As your fan mail just goes to show.” I took a slow sip of my OJ.
He laughed. “Do you have to be mixed-up to like sex, Iris?”
“No, but your sexual tastes are a bit more . . . extreme, wouldn’t you say?”
“Well, guess what, Iris? Women like it. A lot.”
“Some deeply troubled women, maybe,” I said.
“Don’t those women have a right to some fun, too, some pleasure in their lives?”
I couldn’t help but speak my mind, although I would definitely hear about it later from Rence. “So now you’re some sort of philanthropic do-gooder concerned with the psychological welfare of your fellow man?”
“Maybe.”
“Let’s talk about your case. Are you aware that using underage actors in X-rated films is illegal? It’s child porn.”
“Her ID said she was eighteen. And her cunt was definitely of age. No question about that.”
I wished Van Benschop would keep the volume down a bit. “Do you mean to say she had a forged ID? Did you keep a copy of it?”
“Sure.”
“I need to see it. As soon as possible.”
“Tsk. That’s a problem. My partner has it.”
“In that case, could you ask your partner to produce it for me? If we can show that the girl—”
“Girl, my ass. Young woman. I insist that you call her a ‘young woman.’ ”
I gave him what I hoped was a resolute smile. “If we can show that the young woman misled you with forged identity papers, that would seriously decrease the chance you’ll be found guilty of producing child porn. And besides, it would prove the young woman had participated of her own free will.”
“My partner disappeared—with the contracts and a portion of my investment.” Van Benschop slurped his espresso and laughed. “But don’t you worry, you’ll get your money. And maybe I’ll even throw in some extra for a little celebration afterward. Have you ever been to the Bahamas?”
I wondered again why I had been assigned this case. My boss had argued that assigning a female attorney to Van Benschop was a brilliant move. And Martha Peters, the other partner at the firm, just happened to be too busy, even though she was the one supposedly handling all the Van Benschop family’s affairs, and making a big hoopla about it, too.
“To get back to your case: the fact that you don’t have access to a copy of the ID does make it a bit harder. I take it that the”—I was going to say “victim” but managed to control myself—“the young woman signed a release, a quitclaim detailing the nature of her”—again I had to search for the right word—“work?”
My phone started buzzing in my pocket. I glanced under the table at the number on the screen. It was the one I dreaded more than any other number in the world: Aaron’s day care.
“You really ought to go there sometime, the Bahamas. The ocean’s simply glorious,” Peter van Benschop con
tinued.
“Excuse me. I have to take this.” I stood up and walked outside. “Hello?”
“It’s Mika.” Her voice sounded hysterical. I knew exactly how she felt, even if all I could think was: Please, not now. Just deal with it yourselves. Let me do my job. Please.
“Aaron’s gone ballistic. He was coloring, and when one of the younger kids snatched away his crayons he bit her hard. Broke the skin—she was bleeding and everything. Now he’s bonking his head on the floor and won’t stop. Petra says you’ve got to come pick him up. Now.”
It was clear there was no point trying to negotiate. Let alone say, “I spend a substantial portion of my after-tax income entrusting my child to your care three days a week. Can’t you just see it through for once?”
“Now, Iris,” she repeated. As if I hadn’t heard. “Not in half an hour. Right now.”
“I’ll do my best.”
The first person I called was the Procreator, even though I knew there wasn’t much point. I’d heard from mutual acquaintances that he liked to complain tearfully about how little he saw of his son. But I got his voice mail, as usual. Next I called my mother. She was having a pedicure but promised to come pick up Aaron from my house as soon as her toenails were dry.
“Can’t you come sooner than that? I’ll treat you to another pedicure. I’ll throw in champagne and a foot massage. Please?”
“Sorry, darling. I just can’t.”
I wished that I could say the same thing. How wonderful it would be to say, “I just can’t”! “Mother, I’m with a client. Do you have any idea what it looks like if I just get up and leave?”
“You don’t really expect me to drop everything, do you? I’m happy to help, and I do that often enough, in case you’ve forgotten. But Aaron is your responsibility. You are his mother, after all.”
“No need to tell me,” I snapped. I noticed Peter van Benschop observing me through the window with an amused expression on his face. He raised both hands as if to say, What’s keeping you? I turned my back on him. At the same time I heard my mother snort, “Well?”
“Sorry.” I hated having to apologize to her. Which happened all too frequently. “Okay, I’ll pick him up and take him home, but please come get him as soon as you can. Please?”
