He silently nodded his head.
I exhaled in relief. Had he said no I’m not sure what I would have done. “Do you think you can handle it?”
Again he nodded and again I let out a breath of relief. I tightened my grip on his arm just slightly, pulled him toward me, wrapped both arms around his waist, and rested my head on his chest. Not trusting his strength, he gently did the same, wrapping me in a cocoon of butterflies and safety.
“I’m really happy you came,” I told him with my face still buried in his chest, breathing in all of his familiar scents.
Jeremy smiled in my hair. “I’m glad I came, too. Can we pretend like I just got here?”
“Yeah, I think I can do that.”
Twelve
Dear Jeremy,
I can’t believe it. In two more days I’ll be in your arms again and kissing your lips. FOR THE WHOLE SUMMER! Oh, my God, I can’t wait. I’m so excited that I haven’t slept much all week long. I hope you’re just as excited as I am. What am I saying? Of course, you are. I’ve stared at your pictures so many times. I have them scattered all over my room, fearing that I would forget what you look like, but that’s just not possible. I’ve seen you everywhere I go and in everyone I see. I can’t even close my eyes without picturing your face and hearing your laughter. Is it impossible to think that if I never saw you again that I would still see your face in everything I do? Silly to think, I know, because there’s no way I would never see you again. Two short days and I’ll be able to study your face again in real life.
Okay, so my mom says we’re going to be leaving Raleigh at around seven in the morning on Saturday, so we should be at Atlantic Beach by ten, hopefully. Will you wait for me in our spot? I’ll jump out of the car and run as fast I can down the beach to you. Oh, my God, Jeremy, I can’t wait!
Oh, and don’t worry about writing me back because I plan to be in your arms by the time you get this.
My love for you is forever. This I promise you.
XOXO
Nicky
As soon as we drove over the high-rise bridge that leads from Morehead City into Atlantic Beach, we came to a stop light at the fork in the road in front of the Circle. Suddenly my heart began to pound uncontrollably. I stared up at the massive Ferris wheel and couldn’t stop myself from smiling as I remembered the first time Jeremy and I rode it together. I was so scared, but he told me to trust him and proceeded to put me at such ease. I looked around wildly, wondering if he was out there somewhere waiting for me. Slowly we started moving again. I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin at any minute in anticipation. Finally, we pulled into the driveway of our old beach cottage. Before my dad could even put the SUV in park, I threw my door open and began to run. I ran as hard as I could through the heavy, hot sand. We had left an hour later than we expected and so I was scared Jeremy got tired of waiting for me and left. That was an unbearable thought, so I kicked off my flip-flops and ran even harder. Sweaty and breathless, I came to a stop a few feet away from the pier. It sat planked in the sand, just like I had left it, its massive length waiting to embrace me. Then I saw him, he was leaning on one of the round pilings that supported the pier, looking out at the water like I’ve seen him do so many times before. I stared at the boy in front of me as if I was dreaming. And if I was, I refused to wake up. I had imagined this moment so many times for almost a year, replaying it over and over in my mind, but it never felt quite like this. This was real. He was real and my heart felt like it was going to explode. I slowly walked toward him, keeping my eyes locked on him, fearing if I blinked he’d be gone. I guess he sensed me approaching because he quickly turned in my direction and began to smile that beautiful smile. He pushed off the piling, hurrying up to me and wrapped his thin arms around me, squeezing me tight. I clung to him with ten months of bottled up angst, never wanting to let him go.
“Are you really here?” he whispered in my ear.
I nodded, unable to speak.
He squeezed even harder and I could feel his body tremble against me. “I don’t want to let you go again.”
I ran my hands up and down his back. “You don’t have to. I’m here all summer.”
After a few minutes, he reluctantly pulled away from me just slightly and looked in my eyes. He smoothed my windblown hair and grabbed the sides of my face with both hands and crushed his lips against mine. We kissed desperately, hungrily, needing to feel one another.
“I have something for you,” he whispered against my lips. He held his hand up between us, and on his pinkie finger was my ring. I stared at it with wide eyes. “Will you accept my ring again?”
I looked from the ring then back up to him and stared into his eyes. I had waited for this moment for so long. I held out my shaking hand to him and nodded, still unable to make the words come out of my mouth. With so many burning emotions running through me, I felt like all of the sand on the beach was lodged in my throat and my eyes burned with tears. He slid the small ring on my finger and wrapped his arms around me again. In that moment everything was perfect, I would never have foreseen what our future would bring.
Thirteen
2003
I woke up suddenly from a fitful sleep and laid as still as I could in my bed, wide awake in the dark. I stared up at the ceiling, fighting back tears because I was struck with the sudden knowledge that I didn’t love the man lying beside me. Russell was a great man and absolutely gorgeous and he loved me, this I had no doubt, which was why I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t love him back. We met during our senior year at Florida State University where we both majored in Marine Biology—it was the only time after my first three years of college that I allowed myself to relax and have a life—and we’ve been together ever since. However, it has been two whole years and still nothing! I knew I would have a wonderful life with him, he was sweet and successful, but I kept turning down his proposals because I just didn’t love Russell like he loved me.
I knew I was capable of love. I once loved someone with all my heart, someone that I had planned my future with. Even at thirteen years old, I knew I loved him, but like most young loves, life got in the way. I started college when I was eighteen and my schedule became too hectic with school and work. I didn’t even have time to visit him anymore, not on holidays or during our cherished summers, so we did what we had to do and cut each other loose. Even though I never intended for it to be for forever, it was probably the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I didn’t have time to grieve or to really think about him, not then. More and more lately though, whenever a certain song came on the radio or I met a boy who shared his name, an image of him would sneak into my mind and a joyful laughter would ignite my memories and my heart would cease to beat.
I can’t go to a beach and not subconsciously look for him, wondering if he had done what he had said he wanted to do and stayed on a beach, any beach. It was the main reason why I stayed in Florida after college. Florida was where we said we’d go when we grew up. Florida had some of the best beaches in the country and where job opportunities in my chosen field, Marine Biology, were plenty. So when one became available, it felt right to stay. To this day I can’t go to a beach and not think about him. On particularly quiet days I would walk the beach alone. I even get real still and close my eyes like Jeremy taught me so many years ago and let the sounds of nature consume me. I never did go back to Atlantic Beach, it was too far away from where I now lived in Daytona Beach and I was far too busy with work. Even if that weren’t the case, I was never emotionally ready to go back there, not after breaking my promise.
I quickly sat up in my bed and held my chest as my heart pounded with an intense ache. It squeezed and thudded so hard I felt like I was going to die. “Jeremy,” I whispered. I knew instantly why I could never love Russell, or anyone else for that matter. It’s because I had given my heart away a long time ago and never really gotten it back. Oddly enough, I didn’t want it back. I loved Jeremy more than I could ever love anyone else, and stil
l did. We never had closure, because for me, I never really wanted it to be over. We were just supposed to be put on hold until the time was right. I knew right then and there what I had to do. I had to go back to Atlantic Beach and find him.
I laid back down in my bed, pulling my covers close to my chin and stared up at the ceiling again with a new sense of excitement and anxiety. When he and I broke up, we just stopped talking—or more like I stopped talking. All I could do now was hope and pray he would forgive me for breaking my promise.
***
The following morning, I found Russell sitting at the bar dividing the living room and kitchen in his gym shorts and t-shirt eating a bowl of cereal and reading the newspaper. He didn’t live with me in my small apartment, but looking at him now you would never know it.
“Hey, good morning,” he said, looking up from the paper.
I paused in the living room and ran a hand through my hair to smooth down my bed head. I gave him a weak smile. He’d seen me disheveled in the morning wearing a t-shirt and pajama pants many times before, but this morning I felt uncomfortable and out of place. Slowly I began to walk toward him, but the further I walked into the room, the harder my heart pounded. I couldn’t pretend that last night wasn’t real. My feelings were real, I knew that without a doubt and there was nothing I could do to stop them. It wasn’t fair to Russell to continue like they weren’t.
I leaned against the bar in front of him and looked him over. He was the opposite from Jeremy in appearance. Instead of wavy brown hair, dark eyes and thin arched lips like Jeremy, Russell had short blond hair, blue eyes, and full lips. I cocked my head to the side, wondering how I could have chosen someone so different. Then it occurred to me no one could ever compare to Jeremy, no matter the color of his hair or eyes. I think I’ve always known that, but instead, I subconsciously chose someone who couldn’t compare.
I took a deep breath to steady my nerves. “Hey, Russ, can we talk for a minute?”
“Sure, what’s up, doll?” he asked, closing the newspaper and staring at me.
“I’ve been thinking a lot lately.” I paused and took another deep breath, feeling sick about what I was about to say. “I’m sorry. This isn’t really easy for me.” I paused for another minute as I tried to figure out my words. “I think we need to break up,” I finally blurted out.
Russell blinked as if he didn’t understand what I said. He sat up straighter when the words sunk in. “Break up? Why?”
Tears began to burn in my eyes as I stared at him. “Because I don’t love you,” I whispered.
“You don’t love me? Since when?”
“Haven’t you ever wondered why, in two years, I’ve never told you I loved you or why every time you propose to me I say no?”
Russell blinked and looked away, as if evaluating the past two years. “I just assumed that if I kept asking, eventually you would say yes.”
“I’m so sorry,” I said, crying now, which I absolutely hated to do. I very rarely cried and even rarer was it in front of another person.
He jerked his head back toward me, hearing the emotions in my voice. The sight of a female crying was his biggest weakness. Unlike most girls, I never once tried to use it as a weapon or a desperate plea. He quickly stood up and rushed around the bar, pulling me close. I felt guilty for letting him, but I wanted his embrace, I needed it.
“Come on, babe. We’re good together. You know it. You could learn to love me, couldn’t you?”
I shook my head slowly. “No, I can’t. I’m sorry. I gave my heart away a long time ago and I never got it back. I don’t own the right to love you or anyone else.”
He kissed the top of my head, pulled away from me, and silently walked into my bedroom. I braced myself against the bar for support and tried to get my breathing and heart in check. I knew how I felt and I knew I was right about breaking up with him, but it was still a heavy blow. Russell and I had been great friends, even before we started dating, and it’s not something I ever wanted to lose, but I had a sickening feeling things would never be the same. I still hoped and prayed that it was the right decision. After a few long minutes, he reemerged fully dressed with a small duffel bag in his hand containing the things he had left here over the years. Without looking in my direction or saying a word, he opened the door and left. I stared at the closed door, feeling a mix of emotions. Sadness for what he and I should have had, the loss of my best friend, and a newfound excitement because soon I would see Jeremy again.
“I’m coming, Jeremy. Wait for me because I’ll be there soon,” I said out loud. I ran towards my bedroom but stopped cold with a dreadful thought. “What if he has a girlfriend?” I asked myself out loud. “Even worse, what if he’s married? We’re still young, but people our age are getting married and having kids all the time.” The thought caused a sickening lump to turn in my stomach. I took a deep breath. It didn’t matter. “If it’s meant to be, it’ll be,” I said confidently and continued on to my bedroom. I threw on a different t-shirt and pair of jean shorts. A few minutes later, I left my house in Daytona Beach with nothing but a duffel bag of all the necessities to last me for a little while and headed to North Carolina, to the tiny beach that had changed my life.
Fourteen
With my red convertible Mustang in the wind, the usual ten-hour drive took closer to nine, and it went by fairly uneventfully, that is until I got in to North Carolina. Once I crossed the North Carolina border, memories from my childhood rushed back to me with all the familiar sights. My parents and Dawn still lived in Raleigh, and although it’s another three hours northwest from Atlantic Beach, I promised myself to stop over and see them before I went back home. The closer I got to my destination, the harder my heart pounded, but as soon as I pulled into the rough sandy driveway of our cottage in Atlantic Beach, my heart completely stopped. The old beach cottage looked exactly the same as the last time I was here over five years ago. For a split second there was no more pounding excitement and no more longing ache, instead I had a sense of ease. I had finally arrived where I was supposed to be. I got out of my car, pulling my duffel bag across the seat from the passenger side and slung it over my shoulder. With my eyes fixed on the cottage, I softly closed the car door and approached it. I held my hand out at my side and ran my fingertips across the old gray exterior as I walked around the cottage. I smiled, remembering myself doing that very thing the first day we came here. I was so angry at my parents for making me come. I vowed to hate every second of it, although I secretly loved it. Then I met Jeremy, and the rest was history. I stopped at the back steps leading up to the deck and looked out at the beach. Sand and sea as far as the eye could see. I had never been here in September before and it was eerie to see how quiet the beach was with just a few people scattered around. I assumed it was because the tourists had gone back to their own homes, leaving the off-season to the locals. I turned away from the beach and looked up at the back deck leading to the cottage. An image appeared in my mind, one of a bony thirteen-year-old girl staring up at an ever so handsome young boy, so full of adoration. The boy leaned in to kiss the girl and my heart exploded in my chest. I reached my hand out to touch him, wanting so desperately to, but just as quickly as the image came, it was gone again. Blinking rapidly, I lowered my hand and walked up the steps onto the back deck. My parents still visited Atlantic Beach during the summer and on long weekend getaways from work. Although I’m sure it’s not nearly as often as they thought they would when they bought it ten years ago, it’s been enough for them to continue to own it and keep it up.
I opened the door and stepped into the kitchen. As I looked around I was surprised to see how much smaller it looked now, even though nothing had really changed. I walked around the kitchen, running my hand over the dusty tan Formica countertops, as well as the nautically clad walls. I walked out of the kitchen into the small living room. The furniture had been covered with sheets after the last family member visited and left, I’m not exactly sure when that even was, but fro
m the looks of the dust floating in the stifling air it had been a while. I turned and walked down the narrow hallway to my old bedroom I had shared with Dawn for so many summers. I dropped my bag down on the floor and sat on my small twin-sized bed in a daze, but quickly jumped back up.
“What am I doing? I don’t have time to be nostalgic,” I said to myself, dragging a hand through my messy hair.
I grabbed my bag off the floor and rummaged around inside. I pulled out a change of clothes, my cosmetic bag, a hair brush, toothpaste and toothbrush and ran into the bathroom down the hall to take a shower, because even though I hadn’t done anything all day but drive, the ten hour drive has left me feeling less than fresh and I wanted to be perfect when I saw Jeremy again, especially if he was in a relationship. It might sound catty but I didn’t really care. I wanted him to remember how great we were together and could be again. If I had to bump some poor girl out of the way to do it, so be it. Twenty minutes later I re-emerged, beautiful and ready to go.
I stepped out onto the back deck and stared out at the ocean. The late afternoon sky had turned a pretty shade of orange and pink since I arrived. Only a few more hours and it would be nightfall. The Hayes’ residence wasn’t very far from my cottage, just a little way up the beach, and since it was late in the day, I opted to walk to his house rather than drive. Hopefully I could remember which one it was.
I walked along the water’s edge like I’ve done so many times before and felt the cool water as it washed over my bare feet while keeping my eyes on the immense ocean. I stopped suddenly when two young boys ran out in front of me and jumped into the water. I smiled as I watched them frolic in the salty water, imagining Jeremy and Brandon doing that very thing on this very beach. Continuing to smile, I looked ahead of me and froze. There in front of me, from sand to sea, was the elongated wooden pier—so stoic—waiting to embrace me in all of its familiarity. It was the same pier I had spent so many summers sitting underneath in its cool shade with Jeremy at my side. As if an invisible force was pulling on my body, tugging me forward, I began to walk, never taking my eyes off it. When I reached the pier, I slowly took the steps one at a time and came to a stop in front of the old weathered door that led into the Shack. A burst of laughter floated around me, laughter so familiar it was as if I had only heard it yesterday. With my heart pounding, I threw the door open and rushed inside. I stood in the doorway, looking around wildly. The laughter became louder, so much so, I began to feel dizzy. Following the laughter, I briskly walked through the restaurant into the arcade area and came to a stop in front of the last pool table in the back of the room. There I saw a lanky boy leaning over the pool table. He fixed his soulful brown eyes on the balls he was aiming for, but quickly looked up and his eyes locked with mine. A thin arched smile played on his lips as recognition set in. I can’t bear the intensity of his stare, so I looked away, blushing, but like a drug I had to look back, and when I did he was gone. I spun around in circles, confused, but no one was there.
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