Mary Grace was unusually quiet in school that day. She stared off in the distance with unfocused eyes.
When she wiped her sleeve across her eyes, I could tell something was going on.
“Is everything okay?”
She nodded, but she wasn’t fooling me.
I put my hand on top of her arm and squeezed gently. “You’re not okay,” I said. I raised my hand and asked Mrs. Tetonis if we could go to the bathroom. As soon as the classroom door closed behind us, I turned to Mary Grace. “What’s up?”
“It’s stupid. It’s so stupid,” she said, and sank onto the floor, her back against a locker. I sat next to her.
“I’m sure it’s not, if it’s getting you upset,” I said, and the irony didn’t miss me. Here was the person who only weeks ago I couldn’t stand. She’d oozed sympathy and all I’d wanted her to do was get the hell away from me. Now I was the one trying to help her. I understood the frustration she must have had with me when I refused to let her in. “It might help to talk about it.”
Her eyes turned bright and wild. For a minute, I thought she was going to get up and run away. Instead, she said, “I’m so pissed off.”
“At me?” I asked, confused. I tried to think if I had done anything to make her feel that way.
“No, Abby. I keep thinking about why she hasn’t chosen me. What did I do wrong?”
“What are you talking about?”
“She’s appeared to everyone but me. I’ve stayed up the last few nights hoping she’d run by. I don’t get it. My mom has seen her. Complete strangers have seen her. Doesn’t Abby know how bad I want her back? Doesn’t she care?”
Mary Grace pulled her legs to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. She rested her head on her knees and her body shook with her sobs. You could probably fill an ocean with the amount of tears we’d cried over my sister. I stretched my feet out in front of me and stared at the lockers as I spoke.
“You can’t be mad at her. It’s not her fault she’s gone,” I said and thought back to my conversation with the Miracle Seekers in the woods. “That person they’re seeing, she’s not Abby.”
“You don’t know that for sure. What if it is? It’s like what I said about her face. I can’t remember what she looks like. What if she’s standing right in front of me and I don’t even know it’s her?”
“It’s the opposite for me. I’m afraid of seeing this vision of her and then knowing for sure it’s not really her.”
Mary Grace lifted her head. “I want to see her so bad.”
“So do I, but not this way.”
Mary Grace gave me the weakest of smiles and wiped at her eyes. “This ghost is what’s been keeping me going. I search through the trees in every yard, look toward the woods and at sidewalks across the street.”
“There isn’t a moment that goes by when I’m not hoping she’ll appear,” I said, and wished there was a way to rewind our lives so we were back to the days when “missing” and “vanished” weren’t even words in our vocabulary.
“It’s my fault,” she said.
“What do you mean? You didn’t cause this.”
“Not Abby. The circles. The way everyone is waiting for her to return,” she said, but that didn’t help. She wasn’t making any sense.
“How are you to blame?”
“I have to tell you something, but I’m not sure what you’re going to say.”
When someone starts a sentence like that, you know it’s going to be bad news. But Mary Grace didn’t judge me when I told her about kissing Tommy, so how could I judge her?
“You can tell me,” I said.
She took a deep breath and let it out before she spoke again. “I made the circles in your yard.”
“You what?” I didn’t know what I expected her to say, but I sure didn’t think it would be anything like that.
The rest of her words came out in a rush. “The whole cross-country team did. The field where she’d run was overgrown and full of weeds. It killed us to see that. If Abby came home, we wanted it to be ready for her. So we cut it.”
“How?” I asked, not quite believing her. “Those circles were huge. It would’ve taken hours.”
“Some of the guys brought push mowers, because we didn’t want to wake anyone. It was a tribute for her. Or at least, that’s what we thought when we were doing it. The plan was to tell everyone what we’d done, but then the news came and reported on it and the police were looking for suspects, so we went along with everyone because suddenly it was a big deal.”
“The cross-country team made the circles?” I asked, not willing to believe her confession.
Mary Grace looked like she was about to cry. “I swear, I wanted to say something, but the team promised to keep their mouths shut so we wouldn’t get in trouble. We didn’t think it would turn out this way. We honestly didn’t know what to do.”
“So you went along with everyone and let us believe they were made by my sister?”
“I wanted to believe they had something to do with her. We all did. I wanted to see your sister so badly. I began to fool myself, too.”
“But the circles meant nothing,” I said, and was surprised at how much it hurt to realize that the circles weren’t, in fact, connected to Abby. “All those people out there every night, Collin, my mom . . . and they were just a hoax.”
“But that’s the thing, Rhylee. They started as a hoax, but it changed. They did mean something. Maybe your sister didn’t make them, but the circles united us. They gave us hope.”
“And now,” I said slowly as the realization set in, “that hope is gone.”
79
I didn’t go back to class. I raced down the hall, my anger at her growing by the second. How could she do something like that? Those circles were our connection to Abby and now I find out it wasn’t even real. How would Mom feel? And Collin? It would crush him.
I kicked a locker out of frustration; the noise echoed down the hallway. I yelped in surprise at the pain and tears gathered in my eyes. This was impossible. All of it.
I’d been so stupid to sit in that field and pretend we were connected. Pretend that Abby was closer to us because we were there. All of those things I confessed to Mary Grace in the dark, when she was the one who had fooled us to begin with by creating the circles.
Tears blinded me as I pulled out my phone and texted Tommy. I needed him, and I didn’t care how it looked or what I was supposed to do or not do.
He rounded the corner less than two minutes later.
“Are you okay?” he asked. He reached out for me, but I pulled back. After weeks of avoiding any sort of contact, I still didn’t feel right about him touching me. No matter how I was feeling.
Hurt flashed across his face, but was quickly covered by concern. “What’s wrong?”
“What isn’t wrong?” I asked and laughed, because it was the truth. How did I even begin to list everything? “I have no idea what’s right anymore.”
“I don’t think any of us do,” he said.
Before I could say anything more, the bell rang, and my classmates spilled out into the hallway.
“Hey, man,” Kyle said, coming toward us. Two of his friends stood on either side like bookends, and all three of them looked at Tommy with disgust. “I told you nicely to stay away from Rhylee, but it looks like you didn’t hear me.”
Tommy stepped in front of me so I was hidden behind him. Protected. Other kids gathered around, as if sensing that something was going to happen.
“You can tell me whatever you want,” Tommy said. “But I’m not going to listen to any of your bullshit.”
“Kyle, really, it’s fine,” I said, trying to make peace between the two of them. “We’re only talking.”
It didn’t work. He spoke to Tommy as if I wasn’t even there. “You’re not wanted here. In fact, you’re not wanted anywhere.”
“Go to your class,” Tommy told me. “I’ll take care of this.”
“I’m not going anyw
here,” I told him. I was terrified, but if I left him, Kyle would do something worse than the black eye. I just knew it.
“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.”
“Listen to him,” Kyle said. “It’s better if you leave right now.”
No. No more running away. No more being so stupid.
“I’m staying here,” I said and crossed my arms over my chest. I tried to look tough, even though I was terrified.
Tommy shifted from foot to foot. He did not want me to stay, but I’d already backed away from so many other things and let him take the blame that I wasn’t going to leave him alone now.
“Suit yourself,” Kyle said. “If you want to watch me kick Tommy’s ass, so be it. This is a school. Not a place for killers.”
Tommy stiffened. He tried to let go of my hand, but I held on tighter.
“Forget about it,” I whispered, but he couldn’t. He broke free from my grasp and stepped up to Kyle so the two of them were almost touching chests.
“What did you say?” Tommy asked, his voice low and hard.
“You heard me. No one wants you here. Killer.”
Kyle’s fists went up, and I squeezed my eyes shut. There was a sickening crunch and Tommy groaned. When I opened my eyes, blood streamed out of his nose.
Kyle took another swing at Tommy, but Tommy ducked and landed a punch of his own. Kyle moved quickly, though, and drove his fist into Tommy’s stomach. Tommy bent over and Kyle took the opportunity to push him to the ground. Tommy grabbed Kyle’s ankle and yanked him down too. The two rolled around on the floor, a mess of hands, legs, and blood. Kyle got on top of Tommy and pinned him so that he was unable to fight back.
“Stop it!” I screamed as Kyle hit Tommy over and over again.
The crowd of students around us grew, and people held their phones out to record the fight as others cheered it on. And I hated them. Every single one of them.
Mr. Ralston and Mr. Scott pushed their way through the group, finally making it to the two boys.
“Break it up, both of you,” Mr. Ralston said, but they wouldn’t stop. Tommy wiggled out from under Kyle and curled up in a ball, and Kyle just kept hitting him.
“Please stop them,” I yelled. “He’s going to kill him!”
They were finally able to pull the two of them apart.
Tommy slowly sat up, his face covered in blood. He looked around at everyone, dazed.
Kyle coughed and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Did you see the way he was hitting me?” he asked Mr. Scott. “He’s psycho. No wonder the police think he killed Abby.”
“Kyle’s right,” one of his friends said. “Tommy went after him. We were trying to go to class.”
A few other boys nodded to confirm the story. I was amazed by how bold their lies were.
Tommy stood and backed away from everyone with his hands in the air. “I was only protecting myself.”
“We’ll discuss this in my office,” Mr. Ralston said, and then faced the group of students gathered around. “I need all of you to go back to class. I’ll take care of this. Mr. Scott, please escort Kyle to the bathroom to wash off. He can come to the office afterward to give his statement.”
“Thanks,” Kyle said. “I’m a little shaken up by all of this.”
“Tommy didn’t start it,” I said, unable to contain myself. He was not going to take the fall for this. “You have it wrong.”
“I need you go to go back to class too. I’m sure your parents wouldn’t like it if they knew who you were hanging out with at school.”
I tried to catch Tommy’s eye, but he refused to look at me. His shirt was covered in blood and his left eye was starting to swell shut. I wanted to reach out and touch him, let him know it would be okay, but that was impossible. None of this was okay. Not at all. And no one was going to do a damn thing about it.
“No,” I said, my voice sounding a lot stronger than I felt.
“Excuse me?” Mr. Scott asked.
“Miss Tower,” Mr. Ralston warned, but I was done listening to him. He’d made it painfully clear whose side he was on, and I wasn’t going to stand for it anymore.
“Tommy didn’t do anything. He’s innocent,” I told the two of them and then faced the crowd. “You’re the ones who should be ashamed of yourselves for what you’ve done to him.”
“If he’s so innocent, then why is he the police’s number one suspect? You can’t deny the obvious,” Mike Connors, a football player in my grade, said. The group of students around us laughed.
“It’s because of me!” I shouted to all of them, and there was no turning back. “It’s because of me.”
“Rhylee, no—” Tommy started, but I spoke over him.
“Do you want to know why my sister ran into the woods that night? It wasn’t Tommy’s fault. It was mine. I kissed him, and Abby saw it. She found the two of us together. That’s why Tommy went into the woods. That’s why he was muddy. He was trying to bring my sister back, because I betrayed her. So if you want to target someone, blame me. I did this. I made my sister disappear!” My voice broke as I battled the sobs that threatened to escape. I broke down, and I didn’t care who the hell saw me.
Both Tommy and Mr. Ralston made their way to me, but I was done. I’d confessed. I ran past them before they could stop me, my feet flying across the floor as if I were Abby, racing to the finish line.
80
I ran all the way home, where I found Dad outside talking to Officer Scarano. They were next to his police cruiser, using it like a shield from the people in the field, who seemed to have moved a little bit closer, as if trying to figure out what was going on.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, because I was tired of not asking and not knowing.
“Afternoon, Rhylee,” Officer Scarano said, ignoring my question. He turned back to Dad. “I’ll talk with you tomorrow. We’ll keep you up to date on everything.”
“I appreciate that,” Dad said and shook his hand.
Officer Scarano nodded at me once more before he left, but didn’t make eye contact.
“Why was he here?” I asked Dad when the police car pulled away, kicking up gravel.
“He was checking in.”
Dad headed inside, and I followed him. He was hiding something from me and after the day I’d had, I was done being nice to people. I was done with lies. Mine, and everyone else’s. “What did he say?”
“He didn’t have anything new to report,” Dad said. He headed up the steps. “And I need to get ready for work now. I was already running late before he showed up.”
“Why won’t you talk to me about this?”
“There isn’t anything to say.”
“Stop, Dad. Please. Just stop!” He did. He turned to look at me, a little surprised. “We never talk anymore. If Abby did return, she wouldn’t know where the hell she was. This isn’t our home anymore. She’d never recognize this place; how could she when it feels so empty and cold?”
“That’s enough,” Dad said, and it really was. All of this was way too much. It was time to stop pretending. He paused and didn’t say anything for a moment. Then he nodded.
“No, you’re right,” he said and his voice faltered. I wondered if he was going to cry. I’d never seen Dad cry.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
Dad was quite for a moment. “The police think it’s time we face the truth about what was found by the river.”
His words hit me hard. Dad took a deep breath and let it out in one long sigh. My family had never, ever spoken those words out loud to one another. The policemen had talked in circles around what they had found at the river, both the shoe and the shoe prints, and what they might mean, but we’d never dared to connect the dots.
“They believe we should consider the facts,” he said.
“I don’t want to look at the facts,” I told him, my body growing cold.
“None of us do,” Dad said, his voice breaking again.
“Why now?” I asked hi
m, fighting back my own tears.
“There haven’t been any of leads or clues about what might have happened to Abby except what was found in the water. If there was some sign that said she could be somewhere else, the police would follow up on it, but there’s nothing. They spoke to Johnson again and believe the river is the only place they can find answers. They plan to dredge the lake again and look for . . .” Dad’s voice trailed off, and he didn’t say it, but he didn’t need to. I could finish the sentence with words I never thought we’d say.
“How can we just let go of hope?” I asked. “Won’t that mean we’re giving up on her?”
“It’s been impossible to think of anything other than Abby coming home safely,” he said, his voice thick with the same sorrow and regret. “I couldn’t face any other possible truths, but I think we need to now.”
I wanted to be mad at him. I wanted to yell and rage and strike out, but how could I? What he was saying made sense. I was an expert about not wanting to speak the truth—and how much damage that caused.
81
I didn’t go back out to the circles. I couldn’t. Everything I believed in wasn’t true. Instead, I searched the house for my own sneakers. I was done wearing Abby’s shoes.
I took off down the driveway and kept my eyes on the sky. The day had been filled with inconstant weather, and there was talk on the news that we’d finally get rain, providing relief to the drought that had plagued us for weeks. The sky grumbled and groaned echoes of thunder from the distance, moving closer to our house.
I ran with the clouds that raced in over our field and the wind that whipped around me so I had to strain to push forward.
I ran faster than I’d ever run before and left the crowd in the field.
I moved away from a family that was so busy trying to hold on to one person that they forgot about who was still there.
I ran and ran and ran, but it wasn’t far enough. I couldn’t lose myself in the pain.
Dad’s words echoed in my mind. He’d mentioned Johnson. What had happened when the police talked to him again? Was he what made them so sure that the lake was where my sister was? I needed to get some answers, and Johnson was the one who might be able to give them to me.
A Void the Size of the World Page 22
