“I will.”
The door shuts. I will. The words echo in my ears. She does. I’ve felt her wiping me down; the scent of my soap fills my nose and I know she’s trying to keep me, me. I appreciate that more than she will ever know. With all the strength that I have, I try to move again, fighting against everything spinning inside of me. I feel as if I’m running a million miles towards a light that I never reach. No matter how fast I sprint, it’s always just past my fingertips. I try until I feel like I’m sweating. If I could pass out from mental effort, I think I’m about to. That’s when I stop and try to get my bearings right so I can try again. Instead, unconsciousness hits me and darkness overcomes my thoughts.
HEELS. I THINK I hear heels. My mind finally comes to and I hear April’s voice. “Mom?”
Oh lord, her mother is here. Why is this getting more and more embarrassing? Mrs. Landau was good friends with my mother. She is the one that planned the funeral arrangements when I just couldn’t deal. For that, I will be eternally grateful. But this? She must be seeing my parents all over again, watching me lie here, unconscious. I know what she’s going to say even before she pulls April aside. She wants what’s best for her, and she doesn’t think that I’m it… not anymore, at least.
All I hear is hushed whispers, and my ears are straining to pick up even a word to figure out what they are talking about.
“I know, I know! I don’t need to hear it from another person. I’ve heard it all before. I’m wasting my life away, I’m going to regret this… but Mom, I will not lose him, not again.” I hear April state with conviction, loud enough for me to hear.
A part of me is happy. The other part wishes she would give up. What if I never wake? This is not the life I would have wanted for her. I can die of guilt, finally making her have feelings for me, only to leave her like the rest of them. But I would not want her to waste her precious life sitting here beside a man that will never wake up. She deserves better than that. She deserves a man that can treat her right and right now, I’m not it. I hear her phone chime yet again. I know who it is. It’s not Ro’s ringtone so I know it must be him. Ever since we saw him at the movies, he’s been texting her. I saw the look in his eyes. It’s a sick, twisted kind of love. I would be happy if she moved on, with anyone but him. The way he treated her and just dropped her like yesterday’s soggy newspaper – no, she deserves better than that loser. There is no way she could possibly go back to him. She has more sense than that! The new April that I helped to shape has more sense than that! There is no way she’ll stand for that anymore. Yet, the texts keep coming. I wonder if she responds. Is that why he keeps it up? Is that why he hasn’t stopped? My mind is reeling when I feel my body begin to contract. Something is in my throat. I can feel it, but I don’t have the control over my body to cough. No. I can’t breathe. My body is losing air and I feel myself convulse with the lack of oxygen. No, this is not how it ends!
“TAMMIE!” I hear April’s desperate scream. Someone is pulling something out of my mouth, I feel my throat constrict back after it’s released from its restraint.
“What are you doing?” Tammie’s soft voice screams.
“He can’t breathe!” Aprils voice is getting more and more desperate.
“Don’t touch that! Let me do my job!”
“Tammie!” The terror in her voice scares even me. “HELP HIM!”
There’s a pause. I stop convulsing but I think my mouth is open, gasping for air like a fish out of water. “TAMMIE!” I hear vaguely again as the darkness is once again taking over my thoughts. This is it. I pray that April is okay. That she finally finds the love she deserves.
Something scrapes the back of my throat and pulls away. Instinctively, my body coughs and gags before I feel my breathing turn to normal. The beeping on the machine has slowed again, and my mind as well as my body is frozen. What just happened?
“How did you know how to do that?” Tammie whispers. So it was April that saved me?
“Seemed like common sense. Sounded like he was choking.” I hear her say.
My April saved my life, again. The first time was when she squeezed my jacket, seeing the truck veering into our lane. I never would have seen it until it was too late. Some may argue it was already too late, but at least she is alive. If I hadn’t sped up, we would have hit the back tire and who knows where she would be now.
“Uh, let me get a doctor to double check him.” I hear the door click shut again.
“Oh, honey.” That’s Mrs. Landau’s voice. She’s still here? She witnessed this. Oh God.
“Mom… Mom. He can’t … I won’t,” I hear her head shaking as her fists clench into the blankets at my side.
“I know, honey. You love him.”
“I love him,” April whispers back to her, confirming her observation and causing mine to ache in confliction.
She loves me, but what am I now? Can I ever be what she wants me to be? If I ever awake will I be … me? Will I be paralyzed? Will I be all she needs from me?
Her phone chimes yet again. My heart constricts in pain; someone else must feel the same way.
I feel her almost before I see her. Her blonde hair swishes behind her as she turns from the sidewalk onto the walkway to my house. This girl with the bright green eyes is making her way towards me. She stops right in front of me and peeks inside my box of toys. I suddenly feel self-conscious about my dorky dinosaurs and I place them on the porch beside me.
“Hi, I’m April! I live next door.” She extends her hand out for mine.
“Uh, I’m Jared.” I take her soft little hand as I stand up to look her in the eye. This girl with the green eyes is going to get me in trouble, I can feel it.
“Go, April, go!” I scream, staring up at my best friend making her way up the maze of three branches. George’s face is set in a permanent grimace as he watches her glide up towards the top, as he dared her to do. He should have known better. He’s finally getting what he deserves to be showed up by a girl. My eyes flick back to April; she’s almost at the top now. Her arm extends, reaching for one of the top branches as the screaming around us grows louder. Suddenly, the branch crunches under her hand and I see it breaking off from the tree. My heart freezes in my chest as I watch her small form tumble out of the tree and smack into the ground before me. My mind doesn’t register that I’m running to her side until I trip over a tree root and fall to my knees in front of her.
“April! Apes!”
“Ow!” she croaks, rolling off the shoulder she fell on. She doesn’t appear to be able to move it, as it lies limp against the hard ground.
“Apes, don’t move. Let me call my mom!”
“Help me up!” she orders, using my body to help herself climb up. I didn’t even notice that George was still taunting her until she stomps over to him.
“Nice fall, loser!” He begins a loud laugh as his other friends stand behind him.
I watch in awe as April walks straight up to him and, without further thought, punches him with the only arm she is able to move. George falls flat on his back, gripping his reddening cheek as his friends take a step back.
“Don’t you ever call anyone a geek when you are a loser, you turd licker!” she screams at him, waving her finger in his face for emphasis.
She turns when we see the principal storming her way across the schoolyard. April runs back over to me, her green eyes gleaming in pride.
“You okay?” she asks me.
She just fell what seemed like hundreds of feet down a tree and she’s asking me if I’m okay!
“Yea, your arm!” I reach out for her, but she shuffles out of my reach.
“Come on, Jare, let’s go home.”
HER PHONE CHIMES once again, breaking me out of my pleasant dream only to be reminded of the present. Ugh, I wish I wasn’t having this montage of happy memories right now. It only makes this that much harder. Again, the ringtone blares, echoing in what I can only assume is a tiny room. Next I hear the door click open, half ex
pecting it to be him. But instead, I’m happily surprised to hear Tammie’s soft footsteps making their way to my bed. April stirs and I hear a soft yawn coming from the right of me.
“I was about to check your vitals, girl. You’ve been asleep all day!” Tammie jokes as she grabs my pulse to check my heartbeat.
“Mmm, all day?”
“Yeah! I’ve come in like three times already! Hun, can I talk to you?”
“You know you can, Tams.”
“There is someone here for you again…” she begins hesitantly.
Oh no.
“Who?”
“Mr. Grey.”
I know who she is talking about; these little code names hide nothing. I mean, who else would it possibly be?
“Get rid of him.”
I want to jump up and down in victory.
“Maybe you should just speak to him. He looks… worried.”
“Tammie, I can’t!”
“You know, I worry about you, April. He might not wake up. You have to face that fact. He might be like this forever. What will you do?”
My heart freezes, waiting for her answer, but it never comes.
“You should at least meet this kid to see what he wants. Keep your options open. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket, especially if it is hanging on a thin tightrope.”
She’s right. Keep your options open, but not with him. Not with that loser that broke you! NOT HIM, APRIL! I hear the soft footsteps walk away from us and the door clicks behind her.
It’s just me and April again. I want to scream. I want to get up and hold her and tell her I’m here and don’t go to him. I struggle against all hope once again. I feel as though I’m convulsing again, heading for that light. I need to get to that light. I need to get to it for April. My April.
Hands are holding mine, lips brush my cheek, but it’s the words that make my heart stop and beat crazy at the same time.
“Jared, I understand. I get it if you can’t hold on.” No, she’s giving up. “Don’t stay here in limbo just for me. Just make a decision! I can’t take this anymore. I love you.” There is a long pause, like she’s choosing her next words carefully. “I know you are stronger than this! I know you didn’t wait all these years to finally tell me how you feel just to fucking die on me! So you fight, you break through! You fucking wake up Jared! You wake up for me! You wake up for me.”
She must kiss me because I feel pressure on my lips. It’s wet, too wet. I think she might be crying. No, I’m just like all the rest of them. I’ve broken her heart. I’ve made her cry. I promised her I would never do that. I’ve failed her. No. That’s not how this is going to end. She is right. I’m stronger than this. I’ve got to break through. Suddenly, the pressure lingering on my lips spreads a tingling sensation everywhere that turns into a burning feeling. Once again, I see the light ahead of me and I run. I sprint towards the light with everything I have in me. But, it’s still just out of reach. That’s when I get the idea—I lunge forward, diving towards the light. My fingers just reach out and skim the surface… it’s right there. As my fingertips touch the light, my whole body becomes sucked in and enveloped. I’m blinded by the power of the light. I’ve been in the dark for so long that I’m once again blind.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. A steady beeping is the first thing that my mind registers. Only this time, my eyes flutter open. I blink, once, then twice making sure this is real and not another dream. Slowly, my eyes scan from side to side. April?
Only she isn’t here. I’m alone in the small hospital room. Her suitcase is situated against the wall beside me, the chair next to the bed has a deep impression of a rear still in it, but April is nowhere to be seen.
She left me. She finally left me. I wiggle my fingers slowly. Spreading them out, I reach for the nurse call button. With all the strength that I have, I push it. Repeatedly.
Footsteps are rushing down the hall. The door swings open and my heart drops when I see a nurse in scrubs and not my April. She stands there, staring at me in disbelief. Her deep brown eyes stare at me for a few seconds longer than usual.
“Son, do you know your name?” her soft voice asks me and I know her immediately.
“Wh—” I start before breaking into a mucous-filled cough. Tammie is at my side in seconds. “Where is April?” I finally get out before she’s pushing my shoulders back onto the bed. “April! April!” I try calling out for her.
“She’ll be right back… she just stepped out to get some lunch.” Her cheerfulness is almost misleading. I almost want to believe her.
“You’re lying… she’s with him? Isn’t she?” I cough out again.
“I don’t know who you are talking about, dear.” Her fingers are against my wrist, checking my pulse like she has done a million times since the accident.
“You know exactly who I’m talking about, Tammie.” I lean my head against the pillows, almost too exhausted to move. Not physically. I feel like I’ve slept for years, but I’m mentally drained at the effort I exhausted finally waking up. Her eyes widen at the sound of her name before looking down to see she’s wearing her nametag.
“Mr. Grey.” I correct her thoughts with the name. The name she had called him while I was in a coma. Now, she knows.
“Oh, dear,” she whispers to herself. “Did you hear all of that?”
“Every word.” My head jostles back and forth against the pillow, trying to shake the tears forming behind my eyes. It took everything in me to wake up, and for what? April isn’t even here? April is so quick to leave my dying side to go see her ex boyfriend, the one that treated her like crap? It’s like the past couple of months meant nothing to her. Did I mean nothing to her? Was she just staying by my side for attention? Will I ever be enough for her? The only thing keeping the tears at bay is the anger, the rage building up inside me. I did everything for her. I gave her her independence back and she is so quick to throw it all away! To throw me away! No!
“I want to leave,” I mutter to Tammie.
“You have just woken up, you have a healing head wound we need to monitor, and your broken leg will need physical therapy.”
Her soft eyes are trying to calm me, but I’m past that point now. I don’t know if I will ever be calm again. All my life I’ve wanted April, and now it seems all I want to do is forget her. Her glazed over eyes pop into my head – the day I found her on the porch steps with vomit on her lips. She was so hurt, so lost. I understand that feeling now.
“No, I’m leaving!” I reiterate, ripping the needles out of my arm.
Tammie reaches for the call button and presses it. Throwing off the covers, I maneuver myself out of bed. My feet have a little tingling feeling but once the blood begins circulating again, I lift myself onto them. My left leg is weak. It’s slightly painful and I lean against the edge of the bed.
“Jared, dear, you can’t go anywhere like this. You’re still recovering, for Christ’s sake! Let me help you!”
“Move me! I don’t want her to know where I am!” I point to her suitcase behind me.
“April?” Tammie practically gasps her name.
“Yes! She is never to see me again!”
“But I don’t understand. She was here for you this whole time. She’s still here for you, she just went to grab lunch—”
“To grab lunch with him! The guy who ruined her! And where is she now? Now that I’ve finally woken up! Where is she? She has stuck around for this long – why leave now? Why leave me now?” I look to Tammie for answers but her own brown eyes are tearing along with mine. “No, Tammie I need to be moved. She will never find me. I need time to think.”
“But—”
“NO!” I scream loud enough for her to hear as a few other nurses file into the room behind her. “You will all help me move to a different corridor and if you even think about telling her where I am against my will, I will sue the entire hospital for HIPPA violation! Then each of you individually!”
Tammie takes a deep breath before
responding. “Jared Hoffman, I will do as you wish. I just have one question and you make sure you think about your answer.” She pauses, her eyes inspecting mine. For what I couldn’t say. Sanity? Clarity? Pain? Maybe all of the above. “Are you sure this is what you want? No chance for her to explain herself? You are just going to up and leave? Are you sure?”
Am I sure? Hell no – nothing about love is certain. Everything about it screams to me that I’m insane. My mind gets completely overridden with emotion and common sense takes a back seat. But here in this moment, my emotion once again rears its ugly head and states, “Yes, get me out of here.”
I HEARD THE SCREAMING even down through the floor. I would know her voice anywhere; it reeked of pain and I had to cover my head with a pillow. I pressed the call button and a new nurse comes waltzing in.
“Mr. Hoffman, what can I do you for?” the nurse asks, looking over her little reading glasses.
“Can I have something to help me sleep?”
The scream comes again, and this time I hear my name. “The strongest crap you have!”
She nods before sneaking back out to grab it.
JARED.
I’m just like all the rest of them. I left her.
A few months later…
WEEKS HAVE PASSED and everyone is telling me my progress is greatly improving. I don’t think they ever expected me to wake up, let alone be able to walk again. I wake up in my room at Caudry Rehabilitation. The blue walls with clouds on them look like we are in a baby nursery or something, but I’ve gotten used to them over the passing days. The good thing about not having visitors is that I can concentrate completely on my recovery.
I’ve developed quite a routine. I start off with a few sets of push-ups before breakfast to get my blood pumping. I think it is because I feel like I was just lying stagnant for so long; I want to make sure my heart still works. Breakfast is usually boring and drab, and that’s when I head off to physical therapy for a few hours, followed by aquatic therapy where I’ve graduated to just swimming laps around the pool. Lunch is the same drab tuna sandwich; if I’m lucky, maybe some luncheon meat sneaks in. Then I go for a walk around the grounds. It’s a beautiful facility, it really is. I hate to see what the medical bills are going to cost. But it’s worth it… for my sanity, at least.
Discovering April Page 25
