“Why didn’t you come to Nick’s wedding?” she interrupted, unable to contain herself any longer.
“Is that why you’re scowling at me?”
“Yes.” That and many other reasons.
“I told you. I was busy. I had an important case coming up.”
“What’s the real reason?”
“I’m telling the truth. I did have an important case.” Her mom paused. “And I thought it would be awkward for Nick if I was there. We’re practically strangers now.”
“You missed your son’s wedding. It was within driving distance. What kind of mother are you?”
“I wasn’t cut out to be a mother. I realized that many years ago, and—”
“You abandoned us when we desperately needed a parent. You refused to help when I told you what had happened to Dad. What kind of person does that?”
Her mom calmly had a sip of coffee. “You make it sound like I’m a heartless monster, but that’s not true. I went home that night and cried. I was upset at how things were going for my children.”
“But you did nothing.”
“I knew you’d get through it.”
“Only because other people intervened. We were just kids!” Emily looked around the coffee shop. A couple sitting near them was looking in their direction. She lowered her voice. “I get that you wanted a divorce. You fell out of love. I understand. And I’m glad you went to law school, since that was your dream. But I don’t get how you could just brush off our problems.”
Why was she doing this? It wouldn’t accomplish anything.
Her mother folded her manicured hands on the table. “I told myself I wouldn’t let anything stand in the way of my goal. I visualized what I wanted, and I made it happen. After my mother died … that’s what woke me up. She wasn’t even sixty, and she’d spent her life raising two children, keeping the house clean, and doing the bidding of her asshole husband.”
That was one thing they could agree on. Emily’s grandfather had not been a nice man.
“I was determined to be different,” her mom continued. “I wanted to accomplish something in life, and I’d put aside so much when I got married and had kids.”
“Ignoring your children doesn’t make you a better person.” Emily’s hand tightened on her disposable coffee cup.
“Perhaps I went a bit overboard in cutting myself out of your lives, but…” Her mother shrugged. “I really wasn’t meant to be a parent.”
How could she be so blasé about this?
“But you became one,” Emily said. “You had an obligation to us. And didn’t you care about Dad, even a little? You were together for fifteen years.”
Her mom waved this off. “It’s a long time ago now. Everything turned out, didn’t it? Why are we rehashing this?”
They’d never actually talked about it much before. Her mother had certainly never talked about how her own mother’s death had affected her. Emily did feel some sympathy for the thirty-five-year-old woman who had lost her mom, hated her dad, and didn’t have a career. But that didn’t make everything right.
She suddenly felt weary, even though she was having her second coffee in an hour.
“Okay,” Emily said. “We won’t rehash it anymore.”
“Do you have any pictures from the wedding? I’m visiting Nick tomorrow, but if you have some on your phone…”
Emily showed her mother a picture of her family. Her dad and brothers and sister-in-law, as well as her stepmother and stepsisters.
“You all look … lovely.” There was a slight crack in her mom’s voice. A hint of emotion in her cool façade. Then she said, “That’s a nice dress. It covers up your skin. Whereas now…” She clucked her tongue. “Is this what you wore to the office?”
Emily looked down. A button on her shirt had popped open, exposing a flash of redness. She quickly did it up.
“It’s sad,” her mom said. “You would be so pretty otherwise.”
Emily crushed the empty coffee cup in her hands. She remembered the way Jay had looked at her when he’d seen her in the apron. And when he’d seen her completely naked.
She was beautiful just as she was. She tried to tell herself that.
But it was hard to truly believe it.
Although her mom hadn’t been an important part of her life for the past two decades, her words still had more power than almost anyone else’s. Nothing could change the fact that this woman had given birth to her and looked after her when she was young.
“I don’t think you want it badly enough,” her mother continued. “If you truly wanted clear skin, you could have it.”
“Through willpower and positive thinking?”
“And the willingness to try everything out there. But you don’t bother. Like you didn’t bother with your dream of becoming a professor. You give up too easily. You shouldn’t let anything stand in your way.”
Emily’s chest tightened. “My dream changed. When I saw what being in academia was really like, I decided it wasn’t the life I wanted. It was tough to give up that dream, yes, but it was for the best. I don’t regret it.”
There was no reason to stay any longer. She didn’t owe her mother a full hour in a blasted coffee shop.
“You gave up because you realized it would be hard,” her mom said. “There’s no pride in that.”
“There’s no pride in neglecting your children,” Emily retorted. “And like I said, I don’t want to be a professor anymore.”
Once more, there was a flicker of feeling in her mother’s eyes.
Emily remembered going to the fabric store together and poring over Halloween costume patterns. Her mother had sewn one for her every year. She’d also gotten her a giant box and helped turn it into a castle. And when Emily had had chicken pox, her mother had sat by her bed and read all her favorite stories out loud.
Emily couldn’t quite reconcile those memories with the woman sitting in front of her now, but she didn’t want to forget them. She didn’t want to forget what it had been like to have a real mom, and she couldn’t help but hope, just a little, that she would have that again someday. There were still fleeting moments when she saw another side of her mother.
But it had been twenty years. It was silly to expect anything to change.
It seemed like her mother only let herself focus on one thing at a time. For a decade, she’d been a dedicated parent, and perhaps she’d given up too much for her family. But then she’d swung to the other extreme and cared only about her career. It was all or nothing for her.
“I’m building the life I want,” Emily said. “Like you, it’s important to me to have a career, and I’m happy with the one I have. But unlike you, I want balance in my life. I refuse to let my career govern everything.”
“I think you—”
“I brought you something from Ryan’s bakery.” She tossed the paper bag on the table and stood up. “Bye. I’ll talk to you in a few months.”
Emily fled the coffee shop and ran all the way home, as best she could in her heels. She shut the door to her condo and sagged against it in relief.
Slowly, she unbuttoned her shirt and looked at her chest. It seemed worse than usual. Red and blotchy. She’d picked at her skin yesterday, and there was a scab, too. God, this wasn’t the sort of thing that would turn any man on. No wonder the first guy she’d dated had stopped wanting to take her clothes off after the first time he’d seen her naked. No wonder she’d never had a serious relationship. It was hideous. Thirty-one years old, and she still had the skin of a teenager.
Tears stung at the corners of her eyes, and she slid down the door to the floor. She would never be able to have the life she wanted. She would continue to be alone while everyone she knew got married and had children…
Stop thinking like that.
She needed to get out of this downward spiral. She shouldn’t be alone with her thoughts right now. Perhaps she could go to Liz’s, and they could drink wine and eat sour cream and onion chips?
> No, the person she wanted to see more than anyone was Jay. He was a part of her past too, but he was also the best person at distracting her.
And he could make her feel beautiful again. He’d hold her afterward.
So she called him.
Chapter Fourteen
“Mr. Cheng?” Emily said when he picked up the phone. “Are you busy?”
“Just watching the game. What can I do for you?”
“Y-you told me … that if I ever needed a cock … I should come to you rather than the boys in my class. And right now, I really need to be fucked. I just had a fight with my mom, and I want to do something horribly, horribly dirty to make me forget.”
A silence.
And then, “Why, I would be most happy to help you. And I have to say, I’ve been impressed with your behavior lately. No reports of you skipping class to sneak around with boys. I suppose those spankings were effective. Would you like to come to my office?”
“I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
Heat spiraled through her at the thought of being in his arms, of being taken however he wanted her.
She ended the call and started getting ready. A white blouse, plaid skirt, knee socks, and Mary Janes, just like last time. But she skipped the pigtails today and left her hair down.
Wanting to get there as fast as possible, she got a cab rather than taking transit. When she arrived at his building, she hurried into the elevator and tapped her foot impatiently as it ascended to the seventeenth floor. She felt a little ridiculous, a woman in her thirties dressed as a schoolgirl.
But when he opened the door, wearing a suit with a blue shirt and silver tie, and ushered her inside…
Oh, God, yes. This would be perfect. Just what she needed.
“So, Emily.” His eyes raked over her, and her skin flamed. “You had a fight with your mother, did you?”
She wasn’t sure whether he knew her mother was in town, or whether he thought that was just something she’d said as part of the act.
“I don’t want to talk about that, sir,” she said.
“I didn’t think you would,” he said, though she knew he wanted to ask. But he wouldn’t, not now. He sat down on the couch, his arm resting along the back of it. “It’s been a while since I last saw you, hasn’t it? Like I said on the phone, as far as I know, you’ve been a well-behaved girl.”
“I’ve tried, but I’m afraid I’m still not very good.”
He chuckled. “Why do you say that?”
She dropped her eyes and put her hands behind her back. “I touch myself every day, and I put something in my pussy that wasn’t you.”
“And what was that, Emily?”
“A cucumber.”
She couldn’t believe she was saying this. She’d never actually done that before, though now she rather wished she had.
But Jay would enjoy it, and he would use it to turn her on even more. It was a dance, and they were good at it, not merely shuffling back and forth to a cheesy slow song.
“I see.” He tapped his fingers on the arm of the couch. She thought of them being between her legs. “But no boys have been inside you.”
“No. I could never go back, not after you.”
You’re unlike anyone else.
Emily didn’t let herself think about what would happen when he was done teaching her about sex and walked out of her life, just like her mother had walked out so many years earlier. For now, she was a naughty sixteen-year-old schoolgirl.
“Come here and sit on my lap,” he said.
She started to walk toward him, and he held up a hand.
“Take your panties off first.”
She complied. They were light pink with red hearts.
And then she came toward him, swaying her hips, and sat on his lap. His hands immediately went to the buttons on her blouse. He undid the top one and hesitated.
She nodded. Yes, you can take off my shirt. It still made her a tiny bit uncomfortable, but when she saw him lick his lips once her breasts were exposed, that feeling disappeared. She ground her hips against his erection.
“Tell me,” he said, “why a cucumber?”
“I can’t get a toy. I’m afraid my mother would find it. And cucumbers are cheap.”
“Next time perhaps I shall have one on hand for you.”
“Oh, Mr. Cheng. There’s no reason to do that. Your cock is so much better.”
“And where would you like it?”
“In my pussy, of course. I haven’t had sex in two weeks. That’s a very long time for a bad girl like me.”
His lips twitched. “You certainly aren’t shy.”
“Not around you.” She pulled his jacket off his shoulders, then undid his tie and draped it over her neck. The ends fell down to her hips. The tie covered a bit of her chest, but not much.
Her mother might not think she was pretty because of her skin, but dammit, she was desirable. Jay had shown her that.
She made quick work of his shirt and threw it on the ground, just as he began to press kisses up her neck and touched the tip of his finger to her slit.
“You’re very wet,” he said.
“Are you going to punish me for that?”
“Not unless you want me to. It sounds like you had a tough day.”
When Emily nodded, he pushed inside her and she arched back against him. She cupped her breasts and massaged them, rubbed her nipples between her fingers. Tried to find pleasure in touching her imperfect body.
Then she slipped one hand inside his pants and grasped his cock as she kept massaging her other breast, reveling in how sexual she could be. She was rubbing herself against his leg too. His suit pants were probably marked with her moisture.
“Has it ever been like this with any of the other girls at school?” she asked.
“God, no.” He placed one hand under her chin and said, quietly, “No, Emily.”
Was it just his character saying that? Or did he really mean that it had never been like this with any other woman? She wanted to believe that was true, but she didn’t think she could bring herself to ask once they were done role-playing today.
“I should take off my pants,” he said. “I don’t want them to be any worse for wear after we fornicate. Do you know that word? It’s a big word.”
She smacked his shoulder and then groaned as he pushed his finger deeper inside.
He lifted her off his lap, took off his pants and boxers, and she climbed back on. She kissed him hungrily, pulling him toward her, his skin against hers—she would never tire of that. They jerked their hips against each other, wanting more. She rubbed against the underside of his cock and…
“God,” he said. “I want to sink into you just like this. But…”
She wanted it, too. But they couldn’t.
Jay stopped moving and pulled out a condom. She sat back on his legs as he rolled it on, and then she eased herself down on his cock.
He felt exquisite, filling all of her like this. Not just her pussy—it felt like he was everywhere within her. She pushed her chest forward and tipped her head back, glorying in the feel of it.
How had she gone so many years without this?
“When you grow up, Emily, the men will be all over you. You’ll have your pick.” He squeezed her ass and slapped it, the slight sting the perfect counterpoint to everything else he was doing.
They met each other stroke for stroke, flesh slapping against flesh. His eyes were locked on hers, and she couldn’t turn away.
“Mr. Cheng,” she said, “you’re so…”
His thumb was on her clit, circling around it gently, then more urgently. She cried out, and he jerked inside her one last time and grunted.
When he pulled out, they toppled onto their sides and lay together on the couch.
****
Jay held her against him for a long time. Now that she wasn’t pretending to be a teenager anymore, she seemed vulnerable.
“Nick told me your mom was in town,” he said.
Emily’s arm tightened around him. “Yes. We had coffee, I got mad at her for not coming to Nick’s wedding, and for, you know, deserting us. She went on about how she didn’t want to end up like my grandmother, with nothing to do but care for the house and kids, and how she wouldn’t let us be a distraction from her dream. She probably thinks the experience was character building for us.”
He snorted. “You don’t need to see her. You don’t owe her anything.”
“I know.” Her fingers were in his hair now. He liked it. “But I remember the way she was when I was young, and I keep hoping that side of her will come back, I guess.”
“Nick’s happy she didn’t come to the wedding. He thinks it would have been awkward.”
She lifted her head. “Really? He said that?”
“Yes.”
“That’s what Mom said too, that it would have been awkward. And of course that’s true. But just the thought that your own mother couldn’t be bothered to come to your wedding… I didn’t want him to feel that way. But I won’t hold that against her now.”
Her phone beeped. She got up to grab her purse, which was by the door, and pulled out her phone.
“My friend, Liz,” she said, smiling slightly. “I told her a little about my mom yesterday. She just asked how it went and wondered if I needed a martini.”
He was glad Emily had come to him, but he was also glad that he wasn’t the only one she could go to.
To talk, anyway.
He didn’t want her to sleep with anyone else.
“Mom told me I was lazy for not wanting to pursue my old dream of being a prof. She refused to accept that dreams could change. And she made comments about how I would be very pretty if it weren’t for my skin.”
“Your mom has no clue what she’s talking about. You’re amazing just the way you are.”
She didn’t roll her eyes or laugh. She believed what he said now.
And he loved that she did.
“Every part of you is beautiful.” He dipped his head and planted kisses along her collarbone. Then he took one pink-tipped nipple into his mouth and swirled his tongue around the peak. She arched against him. “I can’t imagine thinking otherwise.”
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