I went over to her bed. Jimmy and Aiden hung back by the doorway.
“Sophie,” I whispered, hugging her tightly. She smelled like antiseptic. Her fingernails still had mud under them, and there was a tiny cut above her left eye. I straightened back up and turned around, beckoning the two men in, but Jimmy shook his head.
“Just wanted to lay eyes on you,” he said to Sophie, touching the brim of his cap. “You two take some time alone. We’ll be back in a while.”
Sophie gave him a grateful look and then blew him a kiss.
Aiden gave me a little nod and then disappeared down the hall.
I started to take a step back, when Sophie reached out suddenly with two fingers and pulled on the belt loop of my jeans. “Wait,” she whispered.
“What?”
“I want to tell you.” She closed her eyes. “About Maggie.”
I swallowed with enormous difficulty. “You don’t have to. It’s okay, Sophie. You don’t have to anymore.”
She shook her head, lolling it heavily from side to side. “Just listen, okay?”
I stared at her, remembering Lloyd’s words: “You don’t go easy on someone when they’re just startin’ out. You go easy on someone when they’ve got blisters on top of blisters and they’re about ready to throw a hammer at someone.”
Sophie looked back at me. “If I don’t tell you now, I’ll never do it. Okay?”
“Okay,” I whispered.
“It was a Saturday,” Sophie began. “Mom was away for the weekend. I don’t remember where she was. Maybe at Gram’s. Anyway, she left us both with Dad.” She draped the crook of her arm over her eyes. Beneath it, her mouth spread into a smile. “We had such a great day, the three of us. It was really warm out. Dad took us to the park and then to Hillside Farms for ice cream. Then later, after Maggie’s nap, we went miniature golfing. On the way home, he stopped at the supermarket because he wanted to get stuff to grill hamburgers and hot dogs for dinner. Maggie loved hot dogs. He told us to wait in the car while he ran in. We were both practically jumping out of our skins from all the excitement and fun we’d had—with even more to come.”
Sophie removed her arm from her eyes. “Except that as Dad came back out of the store, I saw the blue cans sticking out of the top of the bag. And suddenly, you know, it was like all the air went out of a balloon or something. I knew what was coming.”
She was staring straight above her now, past my face, looking back.
“Dad went upstairs and started a bath for us. He put in some strawberry-scented bubbles that Maggie loved and helped us undress and put us both in. Maggie was splashing around and laughing, but I remember just staring at the blue tiles on the wall.”
Sophie began shaking then. At first I thought she was having a seizure, until I realized it was just from the memory. She struggled to restrain herself.
“Stop,” I said. “You can tell me the rest later. I’m going to go get a nurse.”
She clutched me around the wrist with freezing fingers. “Not saying anything to you all these years was my first lie,” she whispered fiercely. “And I haven’t stopped since. Whenever Mom or Dad—or anyone else—ever asked me what was wrong, I told them ‘nothing.’ Everything was always fine.” Her face contorted. “If I had just told them then, right at that moment, maybe none of this would have turned out this way.”
“This is so much easier, isn’t it?”
“What is?”
“Just being straight with each other. Think of all the time we’ve wasted doing everything except this.”
“I’ve done it too,” I whispered, stroking Sophie’s cheek with the tip of my finger. “It’s not just you, Sophie. We all do it.”
She winced. “But not at the expense of someone else.” She struggled to get her breath. I slid myself alongside her in the bed, wrapping my arms gently around her shoulders and drawing her toward me. She rested her cheek against my collarbone.
“He said he was going to go downstairs to start the grill,” Sophie started again. “Five minutes. That was all.” Her eyebrows narrowed. “But I knew where he was going. And all of a sudden, thinking about it, I got really, really pissed. Boiling mad. Red mad.” She paused. “All I could think about was getting rid of those blue cans. So I got out of the tub.”
“You left Maggie?” I asked faintly.
Sophie nodded. “I told her I’d be right back. I told her to sit down and be very quiet. And then I left. I went downstairs. Dad was outside in the backyard, already drinking out of one of the blue cans. He had one of Mom’s aprons on, and he was whistling. I could smell the charcoal. And then real quick, before he came in, I opened the fridge and grabbed the stack of cans. I had one under one arm and was just reaching for the other when I noticed something different.”
“What?” I asked.
“They were blue, but they didn’t have the white stripe on the side like his beer usually did.”
Her eyes roved the ceiling above her, searching, searching.
“I remember there was a red stripe on the side, and little black letters that spelled out C-O-L-A.” She blinked. “I was so confused that I didn’t even hear Dad come in. He gave me this funny look and asked me what I was doing. I couldn’t even answer. I put the cans back in the refrigerator and told him Maggie wanted a drink.
“‘Where is Maggie?’ he asked me.
“When I told him she was in the tub, he said, ‘By herself?’ and then he rushed off.
“I followed him up the steps. I could hear water running for some reason. And then I heard this yell…”
Sophie closed her eyes. I had not realized how tightly clenched she had been until she released herself suddenly against me. “She’d turned the water back on, maybe accidentally, maybe to make it higher, and she’d gone under. The doctors said later that if she hadn’t had asthma, she might have lived.”
An anguished sound came out of her mouth suddenly, and she brought her fist up and bit down on it hard. Her eyes were wide, wild with fear and memory. I knew what she was feeling now was more painful than any of her injuries.
I bent my head over hers and wept.
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I was still in bed next to Sophie when Jimmy returned. He was holding two plastic packages of cream-filled oatmeal cookies and a large container of orange juice. He stopped when he saw us, tears still running down our cheeks. “Should I come back?”
“No, no,” Sophie wiped at her face with the heels of her hands. “Come in. Where’s Aiden?”
“He went back into town to get something.” Jimmy walked in hesitantly, nodding at the items in his arms. “It’s all I could find this early,” he said apologetically, dumping them on the little table next to Sophie’s bed.
Sophie smiled wanly at the cookies, and then looked away, embarrassed. “I’m so sorry…,” she started.
I took her hand in mine. “No more apologies,” I whispered. “It wasn’t your fault.”
She stared past me, out the window.
“It wasn’t your fault.”
She sat motionless, her eyes empty and riveted.
“It wasn’t your fault.” I said it louder this time, and squeezed her hand.
She blinked.
Jimmy came over and took her other hand. We exchanged a look across the bed and I knew then that she had told him about Maggie, that maybe he was the only one in her entire life up until this moment who had known. And that he loved her anyway. Just as I did.
“It’s not your fault, Sophie,” I said again.
“It’s not,” Jimmy echoed.
She broke down all at once. Her body strained forward, even as her hands clutched ours, as if they were the only things left in the world holding her up. Moans drifted out of her mouth, and her thin frame shook under their weight.
We held her tight, Jimmy and I, and let her cry.
Afterward Sophie fell asleep. Jimmy walked over to the window across the room and stood in front of it. I pulled up a chair next to
Sophie’s bed and just watched her for a while. Her face looked more peaceful than I’d seen it in a long time; the tight muscles along her jaw were relaxed. Her skin was regaining some color too; a little bit of pink had bloomed under her cheeks and her lips had lost that awful purple shade.
“Now what?” I thought. “Does this mean she’s all better inside? That things will be different? Is it all over? Am I supposed to go home now?”
Aiden walked in with a little white box in his hand. “Hey,” he said softly. “How’s she doing?”
I stood up. “Better. She’s sleeping now.”
“Can you come outside for a minute?” he asked. “I have something to give you.”
Jimmy was still looking out the window.
We walked out into the parking lot, which was starting to fill up with more cars. It was light out, the air pale and new. “This is for you,” Aiden said, pushing the little white box into my hands. “I wanted to make you something, after that day we talked about my mother. Open it.”
It was the tiny bowl, the one the size of an orange, the one I’d said was too small to eat out of. Except now it looked different. Before, it was just a pale brown color. Now it was a rich honey hue, the surface burnished and glossy, with a rough, pebbled texture. “You salt glazed it?” I asked.
He nodded.
“Thank you,” I said. “It’s beautiful. But I still don’t know what I’m supposed to eat out of this.”
“It’s not for eating,” Aiden said. “It’s for your earrings, so you don’t lose them anymore.”
I grinned and then moved in for a hug.
His arms tightened around my shoulder. “I’m gonna miss you, Julia,” he said softly.
“Me too.” I squeezed him around the waist, tucked my head under his chin. “I’m so glad I met you, Aiden. You have no idea—”
“Actually, I think I do,” he said, cutting me off gently. “Because I feel the same way.”
I took a step back, let my eyes drift over his face. “You do?”
Aiden nodded. “Being able to talk about my mother again…” He shook his head. “You know, I told myself that I was done with the whole grieving thing after that night at the gorge. It was time to move on, be a big strong man.” He shook his head. “But being able to talk about her again with you…” He took my hand. “It was something I didn’t realize I needed to do until I did it.” His thumb moved gently over the tops of my knuckles. “And I’m just so grateful. I feel like I can go off and really start the rest of my life now, you know? Without feeling like I’m leaving her behind.”
I moved in for another hug.
He was right.
We felt exactly the same way.
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Jimmy and Aiden left a few hours later, Jimmy promising Sophie that he was going to get to work on a little stepstool for her to get in and out of bed when she got home, and Aiden promising me that he would put my little earring bowl in a safe place. I watched them leave from the window, Jimmy slinging his arm around Aiden’s shoulder, drawing him in close before they got into the red truck. I felt lucky to know them. Both of them.
“It’s none of my business,” I said to Sophie. “But I really think you should let the Table of Knowledge guys help you with the rest of the house.” I nodded toward her foot. “Especially now. I know you think you’re Wonder Woman and all, but—”
“I know.” Sophie cut me off abruptly. “I’ve been thinking about that a lot. It’s so stupid of me to push them away when they want to help so much. Besides, if I keep going the way I am, even with all your do-it-yourself expertise…” She stopped for a moment and laughed. “I’ll never open the place!”
I grinned. “Good,” I said softly.
Behind us came a light tap on the door. I turned as Sophie sat forward and then I stood up, almost knocking my chair over.
“Mom! Dad!”
Mom rushed in first, her face streaked with old tears. She clutched me to her wordlessly and held on, as if she might never let go. Dad waited patiently behind her, his hand resting lightly on her shoulder. Something twisted inside me as I watched him with new eyes, as I felt her, and I pulled away. Mom looked startled for a brief second, and then her eyes moved to Sophie. “Honey,” she said, her voice breaking. “We got into town this morning—we wanted to surprise you, both of you—and when we couldn’t find you at the house, we went across the street and they told us…”
“Who told you?” Sophie asked.
Dad shrugged. “Some big guy with suspenders,” he said. “But everyone in the place seemed to know that you were here.”
Sophie grinned. “It’s a small town.”
I took a step back. “I’m gonna go outside for a minute. I just need some air. I’ll be right back.”
“Honey,” Mom said, stretching out her arm. “Stay…”
I nodded. “We’ll talk. I just need a minute, okay?”
The sun was soft on my arms as I strolled outside and sat down on one of the visitor benches. I didn’t know what to feel about Mom and Dad, now that I knew everything. The only thing I did know was that it hurt to be in the same room with them. How was I supposed to move past the fact that they had kept so much from me, for so many years? Where, along a road so thickly shrouded with trees, was I supposed to take the next step?
I leaned against the trunk of a tree and flipped open my phone.
“Julia!” Zoe said when she answered. “How are you? Why haven’t you called?”
“Zoe, listen. I need to ask you something really important.”
“Okay. Shoot.”
“It’s personal.”
“Okay.”
“And you can tell me to shove off if it’s none of my business.”
“Are you trying to annoy me?”
I swallowed. “Do you think your mom is still cheating on your dad?”
I bit my lip hard as the silence reverberated through the phone. The sound of birds chirping grated on my ears, and for a moment I felt the urge to pee.
“Yeah,” Zoe said finally. It came out as an exhale, a breath. “I do.”
“And…” I hesitated, stepping on my toe. “And do you love her anyway?”
Another pause. “Yeah,” Zoe’s voice trembled. “I wish I didn’t, because it would be easier, but she’s my mom, you know?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I know.”
I stood in the same spot for a long time after hanging up with Zoe. I didn’t want to go back inside. Not yet. If I knew Sophie, she was probably telling Mom and Dad right now, right this minute, that she had finally told me everything. All of it. The real all of it. Who knew what would happen now? You either got through it, or you got stuck. We had moved through some of it. But there was a lot more to do. And I wasn’t sure about Mom and Dad, but I knew I didn’t want to get stuck.
Not again.
Not with so much ahead of me.
Maybe later, some night at dinner, we would be sitting around another table, talking and laughing, and wonder how we had gotten there from where we were now.
epilogue
The sound of feet came pattering down the hall just as I slipped on my dress.
“Aunt Julia!” Goober gasped. “Are you ready?”
I lifted her under her arms and swung her around as she screamed with joy. Her blond hair, cut in a pageboy style, floated like a little mushroom around her face, and the blue polka dots on her dress matched her eyes. “Almost! Are you?”
“Yes!” Goober shrieked. “Put me down!”
I obeyed. “I just need to fix my hair,” I said, picking up the brush from the bed.
Goober put her hands on her hips. Her shiny black patent leather shoes were planted firmly on the floor. “I don’t want you to leave,” she said suddenly. “I want you to stay in my room forever.”
I finished smoothing my hair into place and knelt down next to her. “I’ve been here all summer, Goobs. And now I have to go to school. But don’t worry. I’ll come back to visit on
my breaks. And I’ll write you letters, okay? Would you like that?”
Goober nodded. “Yeah. I like letters. With pictures! Will you draw me pictures like the one you did in my room?”
I nodded. After Sophie and Goober had seen the finished mural on the kitchen wall, Sophie had offered to pay me to do one in Goober’s room. Goober—who was back for good—spent a long time telling me what she wanted me to paint. Finally, she settled on an underwater scene, complete with mermaids, dolphins, jellyfish, even a shark. It took me a lot longer to do the ocean wall than the kitchen wall, but when I was finished, I hadn’t felt that excited in a very long time. It was good. I knew it was good.
Goober threw her arms around me. “But I’ll miss you. Like to Pluto and back and around again to infinity miss you.”
I held her tight. Her hair smelled like soap and sunshine. “I’ll be back before you know it.”
Goober pulled out of my hug and grabbed my hand. “Mama needs help buttoning her dress.” She steered me down the hallway into Sophie’s bedroom. Sophie was sitting on the bed, fumbling awkwardly with the buttons in the back of her dress. Her walls had been painted a beautiful lemon color, and the curtains were pale and sheer, letting in a lake of light.
“Here,” I said, kneeling on the bed behind her. “Let me.”
“I’m so nervous,” she said. “I can’t do anything today.”
“Of course you’re nervous,” I said, finishing up the last few buttons. “You’re standing on the edge of a dream come true. You’ve worked your whole life for this moment. I’d be nervous too.” I leaned in over her shoulder. “Just don’t forget to enjoy it.”
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