“Looked like it hurt,” said Blondie.
Harbinger didn’t seem happy. “Well, that explains some things.”
“No… I…” Busted. All of the Hunters were scowling at her now. Scowling was like a default setting on these humans. “Crap. Okay, whatever. Yeah, I’m the princess. So? I’m a way super good diviner.”
“Sure you are,” Harbinger said. “I’m going to have some words with the queen once I take you home. I can’t believe she tried to rip me off. I should have hired a gnome.”
“No, you can’t tell the queen. She doesn’t know I ran away. I’m here on my own. This is like my dream. I want to be a Monster Hunter.”
Blondie whistled. “The queen is going to be pissed.”
All of her carefully laid plans were falling apart. “But, I can totally help!”
“It doesn’t matter anyway. We’re going in after those kids. You’re going to sit your ass in that van and not move until we come out.”
“She can’t go in the van, Earl…” Big Ugly noted. “We’ve got a you know what in the van, and I don’t really know if he’d do very good at the whole rescue thing. He recognizes Hunters okay, but he says that other humans kind of all look the same to him.”
“He does love decapitating folks.” Harbinger sighed. “Okay, leave Edward in the van. Can’t have her royal highness getting sliced and diced.”
“What’s an Edward?”
“An Edward is somebody you don’t want to mess with, and he really doesn’t like elves,” Harbinger stated. “Now go sit in the truck and eat your stolen Corn Nuts. I don’t have time for your nonsense.”
“I’m not afraid of no Edwards.”
Harbinger stopped, obviously frustrated. “Edward is an orc.” Tanya’s mouth fell open in shock. She looked fearfully at the van. “You give me any more lip and I’ll tell him to baby sit you… Corn Nuts. Now.”
Tanya ran for the truck.
Tanya was really freaking out. Momma was going to murder her. The Hunters were so mad that now she’d never get a job. She couldn’t even show how great she was by breaking the bonds that held the eskarthi-dor to the world so it could float away, because there were some stupid human kids inside of it. She still had one last chance. She could try to talk her way out of this, but though that usually worked with Momma, she really didn’t think it would work on somebody like Harbinger. Even though it was a long drive back, and normally her whining could wear down anyone, she had a feeling that would probably just make Harbinger angrier, and if he got too angry he’d probably feed her to MHI’s pet orc.
The worst part was that it was taking forever.
The Hunters had gone inside the old factory an hour ago. There hadn’t been a noise out of the place since then. They’d left two Hunters on the outside: Blondie and the one with the bum leg had gone inside the factory with some bazookas and a radio. They were probably there just in case something went wrong in the eskarthi-dor.
There was a big radio in Harbinger’s truck. She wondered if she could listen in to see what was going on. It beat being bored. She flipped it on, and luckily she didn’t even need to fiddle with the knobs. It was already tuned in to the Hunter’s frequency.
“—say again, over.” That sounded like Blondie.
“—messing with our heads—“ The other side had a lot of static. “Can’t proceed… --ve to fall back… --the trail out now.”
That didn’t sound good. That sounded like they were running. She didn’t think that Hunters ran from anything.
“This is Holly. Did you find those kids?”
“Negative. Had to retreat.” The other girl was talking.
“This is Lee.” Tanya hadn’t heard Limpy talk before, but from the lack of static she assumed it was one of the Hunters that had stayed Earth-side. “I think I’ve found our creatures. Something called a mind colossus fits the description. Rare and dangerous. You need to get the hell out of there.”
“—rking on it.” There were a series of pops that Tanya had to assume were gunshots.
“They’re telepathic.” Lee sounded really nervous. “They can cause hallucinations, confusion, even insanity.”
“Can we block it?”
“No known way. There’s a note here that they only affect humans. Earl?”
Harbinger stopped shooting long enough to talk on the radio. “No dice. My head feels like it’s gonna explode, same as everybody else. Looks like I’m human enough.”
I’m not human at all.
Tanya pulled out her cell phone and turned it back on. She had to wait a minute for the phone to power back up and find a signal. She found MOMMA on her address book. The queen was probably going to be asleep or too lazy to get up to answer the phone, but she had to try. Surprisingly, she picked up on the first ring.
Momma sounded even more breathless than usual. “Tanya! Where you at, girl?”
“No time to talk. This is important. Real quick, what’s a mind colossus?”
“Huh? A what? Have you been stolen?”
“No, but I need to know if a mind colossus can hurt an elf brain or not.”
Momma sputtered. “Why you need to know something like that for?”
“Because there’s one here right now and I need to know if it’s gonna fry my brain or not is why, jeez. Quit being so nosy.”
Momma screamed at somebody in the background. “Tanya’s been kidnapped by fey! Drive faster!”
Momma had left the trailer park? That was impossible. “Wait, where are you?”
“I’m coming to save ya, baby!”
Oh shit. The queen never left the Enchanted Forest except to go to Walmart, and Indiana was a whole lot farther away than Walmart. She was in so much trouble. “Uh… Okay… Cool. Now on the monster thingy, does it hurt elf brains?”
“They’re called blargs. Fey bred them to hunt humans long time back for some war. Shouldn’t hurt no elf brains, but they got claws like nobody’s business, rip you right up.”
The Hunters were in danger. There were stupid but innocent human kids in need of rescuing. The blarg wouldn’t be able to use its magic on her, but it could still hurt her. She needed wisdom. Tanya pulled her Elvis Presley medallion, set it spinning, watched the sparkles, and asked herself, what would the King do?
That was easy. He’d kick some fey ass, show MHI that he was cool, be the best elf ever, and never have to live in the stupid trailer park again. So that’s what she’d do, too.
She curled her fingers around the holy symbol and made a fist. “A little less conversation, a lot more action.”
Momma was confused. “Huh?”
“Nothing, Momma…” She didn’t know much about fighting monsters. She could probably borrow a Hunter’s gun, since like all elves she could shoot good enough to poach deer, but beyond that she was pretty much clueless. The meanest thing she’d ever tangled with had been a raccoon that had somehow gotten into the trailer, and even though it had put up an epic fight before she’d brained it with a frying pan, this would probably be much harder. She would probably need some muscle for this… That thought gave her an idea, even though the idea was frankly terrifying. “Can a blarg hurt an orc brain?”
Edward was listening to both radios at the same time, Sean Hannity on one, his adopted tribe of Monster Hunters on the other, and it sounded like it was time to fulfill Gretchen’s latest prophecy. Edward did not know what a mind colossus was, nor did he particularly care. It would either be something he could kill or it would kill him. Either way, it would be a glorious day to be an urk.
He carefully placed the leather straps over his shoulders and cinched the buckles tight. The scabbards rattled as he adjusted them to make sure his swords were perfectly placed. He was carrying two short urkish swords on his back, two curved daggers and six small throwing knives on his belt, a push dagger hanging from a cord around his neck, four folding knives in various pockets, and a Swiss Army knife that Trip Jones had given him for his birthday. Edward had no use for that one, but found
the corkscrew and scissors fascinating. The thing they were talking about on the radio sounded big, so Edward took the mighty two-handed war ax out of his bag and pulled the leather hood off its giant razor head. He chuckled approvingly. This would be fun.
Edward never used guns, though he’d tried. He had nothing against them, but his gifts for bladed combat just did not extend to human guns, which were all complicated and noisy. It was kind of like how Skippy could fly a helicopter but couldn’t drive a car without crashing. Basically Edward was a terrible shot.
There was a knock on the back door of the van. There were many humans present not worthy to witness urk perfection, so Edward reached for his mask and goggles. He didn’t get to them in time before the door was flung open.
It was a girl. She saw his face and screamed. He saw her pointy ears and bellowed in surprise.
The elf regained her composure first. “Orc! Your Hunter masters need you. I summon you to battle!” Confused, Edward lifted his ax and pointed at himself, then at her. “No!” the elf shrieked. “Not me! The monster. Go battle the monster!”
His first inclination was to just lop off her peroxide-colored head. The clan ancestors had always taught that the only good elf was a dead elf (and also, coincidently, that dead elves made great holiday decorations), but Edward hesitated, because he did not want to upset the Harb Anger. Edward had never actually seen an elf before. He didn't know if any of his clan had. This one was kind of scrawny. Not very impressive at all, really.
“Come on, what are you waiting for?” She moved her hands about like she was trying to shoo him out of the van. “You guys are supposed to go berserk with blood lust. You call that berserk? You’re just sitting there. Are you going to go into a killing frenzy or not?”
That was the idea before you showed up. He put on his mask and reluctantly got out of the van. He didn’t talk much to non-urks because his English was rough, and Skippy was the one that was smooth and good with human words, but he tried anyway. “Me… Edward.”
“That’s more like it. Okay, cool. Now let’s go kick that blarg’s ass. I’m Tanya.”
This was certainly awkward. Gnrwlz, god of war, commanded that he should kill all elves, but the Harb Anger would want him to be polite, and that meant no decapitations. Tanya was making this complicated, but at least she hadn’t tried to steal his soul with her foul elf magic. If he was lucky, the monster would eat her first, then he could kill the monster. Everybody would be happy. It would be like killing two foxes with one swing.
Talking to the insane orc barbarian killer had been the hardest single thing Tanya had ever done in her life. By some miracle, he hadn’t immediately cut her ears off for his elf ear necklace that Momma had taught all orcs had, so she was calling it a win. Maybe if she got lucky, the monster would get mortally wounded, then kill the orc. That would sure simplify matters.
She led the way into the old factory. The place was rusty, falling apart, with puddles of water standing on the concrete floor. There were huge holes in the roof that beams of sunlight streamed through. Big human machines were slowly melting back into the ground. Except for the blarg that had been hidden underneath this place forever, the only other residents seemed to be pigeons.
They found the Hunters at the far end of the building. A brick wall had been broken down recently, and behind it was a plain old door. The Hunters were gathered around that door and pointing guns in its direction so it was obvious where the problem was. Most of the Hunters were out of breath and dripping sweat, which was odd since it was really chilly in the shade of the old factory’s walls. The ones that had been on the other side all looked like they were fighting an Elmo-sized hangover and rubbing their temples.
Tanya gathered up her courage. “Okay. Y’all can relax. Me and the orc have got this one. That there’s a blarg nest. Its magic will screw humans up, but it can’t hurt elves or orcs.”
Harbinger glanced her way. “You’ve got to be shitting me… Edward?”
She looked to the orc. Edward just shrugged, as if to say, I guess. At least the horrific barbarian lunatic had her back. She smiled at Harbinger. “See? Told ya so.”
“Those kids are still alive, Earl,” the girl with glasses said. “But if she could get them out, then we can blow this place to pieces.”
“No way. It’s too dangerous, princess. I’m not going to have the queen yelling at me because you got stupid,” Harbinger said with finality. Tanya gritted her teeth and suppressed the scream of rage. She was not used to being told no. Harbinger then addressed the orc. “On the other hand, Ed, you think you can get those kids out?”
The orc’s voice sounded like a clothes dryer filled with rocks. “Yes…”
“All right. Remember the little pink fleshy ones are the children. Don’t hurt them. The big green fucker? It you can kill. Got it?” The orc just grunted and patted the head of his giant ax tenderly. “That’ll do. About two hundred yards straight ahead you’ll find a clearing. Owen, open the door.”
Big Ugly lifted an enormous gun with one hand and grabbed the doorknob with the other. Everybody else aimed their guns too. Big Ugly nodded at Edward then jerked the door open. Tanya gasped. According to where they were inside the building, the door should have opened into a space about the size of a broom closet. Instead she was looking at a vast, dark, scary forest. But the trees were all bulgy, with big vines hanging off them, and something was screeching like a monkey in the background. It was like looking at a Travel Channel show about jungles, only it was in a bricked off broom closet in Indiana.
Red Beard was standing next to her. “No matter how long I do this,” he said, “There’s always something new and freaky.”
“Clear!” shouted glasses girl as she peered into the jungle through a rifle scope. “Go get them, Ed.”
Edward was undeterred by the sight of the mysterious jungle. Clenching his ax, he walked toward the doorway. That was one brave orc, or maybe orcs were just too dumb to understand fear, but either way Edward was about to go be a hero and Tanya was going to live the rest of her life in the trailer park.
She had to do something, and do it quick. Glancing around, she noticed a bunch of equipment cases that the Hunters had brought in. On top of one was a big bolt action rifle. It didn’t look too different from the one that Elder Varty had taught her to shoot squirrels with for dinner. The rifle had a leather sling with loops filled with giant bullets. It was her only chance.
“What would Elvis Presley do?” Tanya whispered.
Red Beard had heard her. “Probably a lot of drugs? Why?”
Edward was walking into the jungle. He disappeared behind some big round leaves. The Hunters were covering him. Tanya snatched up the rifle, which was much heavier than it looked, and she ran after the orc as fast as she could. It was probably better that way because she didn’t have time to think about how stupid it was to randomly cross into another dimension.
“What? Wait! Grab her!” Harbinger shouted, but it was too late. Big Ugly reached for her and snagged one sleeve of her letterman’s jacket, but elves are way quicker than humans so Tanya just shrugged out of the coat, caught the rifle, and just kept on running. Big Ugly made it a few steps after her before the blarg’s magic hit him in the brain like a hammer and he went to his knees with a shout.
Harbinger was yelling after her but Tanya just pushed her way through the vines and kept going. It really wasn’t much worse than kudzu once she got into it, and elves were very light on their feet. Even if it wasn’t for the telepathic mind attacks there was no way a big lumbering human would be able to catch up to her.
I did it! She stopped to catch her breath. There was no sound of pursuit. She’d lost them! Then Tanya looked around, realized she could only see a few feet in each direction, that there was a giant fey creature somewhere ahead, and thought that she might have maybe bit off more than she could chew this time.
She screamed when something black materialized right in front of her. She raised the big rifle, but th
e black shape caught the barrel in one hand. Tanya breathed again when she realized it was Edward. The orc leaned in and put one finger to his mask and made a shhhh noise.
“Don’t you shush me,” Tanya whispered. “I know what I’m doing.”
ROOOAAAARRRRR.
Tanya almost leapt out of her skin at the sound of the blarg. She hoisted the rifle and mashed the butt against her shoulder, but nothing came out of the trees to eat her. “That sounded huge!” she hissed. Edward held out his hands as far apart as they would go, like a fisherman talking about the biggest catch ever. “Yeah. That is big.”
The orc jerked his head. This way. He was even quicker through the vines than an elf, and Tanya struggled to keep up. It was really hot inside the jungle dimension, and within minutes Tanya’s shirt was sticking to her. Up ahead, there was a clearing, just like Glasses Girl had said there would be.
What Glasses Girl, or any of the other Hunters for that matter, couldn’t have known was that the clearing was also the center anchor point for the entire eskarthi-dor. Tanya could see it, though, clear as day. This place was ancient, not like human ancient, but really ancient, like when the fey used to hunt humans for sport. This bubble was a leftover from those days, and apparently this blarg had been stuck here the whole time. No wonder it was so damn cranky.
The monster was stomping back and forth, angry as Momma after the time the pixies stole her credit card number and racked up all those long distance phone bills. However this monster was bigger than Momma, which was really saying something. It looked like a muscular human on the top half, but at the waist it turned into a giant lizard with four big lizard legs and a long whipping tail. It was bright green with black spots. The head was human shaped, but it was hard to tell with all those other brains growing out of it. Momma said that the fey loved to stick different critters together, and it turned out they were just as gross in person as Momma had made them sound.
Free Stories 2011 Page 4
