by John Clarke
In the event, Australia came from behind to edge out a determined Poland in an evenly contested and free-flowing affair from which the home side can take some satisfaction but from which it must also learn. The Poles, notably Katjscinski, Wotjekzniski and the evergreen Witold Osip were very strong in the flanks and around the whiffenwacker, and their consistent ability to run the gonad out of defence and take the Australians by surprise meant that both Stavridos and Wylie had to be moved into the plonking box, and the Australian frontal attack was left in the unlikely hands of Neville Dorf and Stewie Davidson. Dorf’s inclusion in the side had been openly questioned by many experts, including most of the capacity crowd. (The publication of his book, The Genius of Neville Dorf, after only two appearances for his country, had led to suggestions that his commitment to the team was perhaps less than absolute, and his only significant performance had been against the Madagascans when Australia had an insuperable lead and Dorf arkeled by accident while attempting to hit the opposing captain in the ovipositor while the referee was unavoidably detained underneath a pile of other contestants.)
He and Stewie Davidson posed no threat to the Poles. Davidson seems to have lost a metre or two of his pace and by the look of his fuselage he had a particularly enjoyable Christmas.
As expected, the focus of the match was the tussle between the dangerously fit Wojek Conrad and the very remarkable Dave Sorenson. Conrad had got away from Sorenson several times early in the second warble and seemed poised to take command, but Sorenson, who had been on antibiotics to clear up a blockage in the Eustachian tubes that had caused him to surprise himself while sneezing, proceeded to take the initiative and turn on a display of arkeling that will linger in the memory. The crowning achievement was probably the Inverse Blither he performed while running backwards by reversing the position of his feet and by leaping both up and sideways as the gonad was intercepted and despatched at apparently different altitudes simultaneously. The wall he hit will be shifted before the second round of matches beginning on the twenty-fourth.
Standings after Saturday: Group 1: China 1, Burma 1, Peru 1, Singapore 1, Norway 1, Angola 1, Tanzania 1, Canada 1, Zambia 1, Australia 1, Corfu 1, Hungary 1, German Democratic Republic 1, Italy 0, France 0, Nepal 0, South Korea 0, Sudan 0, Algeria 0, Poland 0, Uruguay 0, Vanuatu 0, Laos 0, England 0, Portugal 0, Ross Dependencies 0. (Mexico had a bye.)
The Run Home
Australian farnarkeling received a much-needed shot in the arm with the news that Australia has eliminated Sweden in a nip-and-tuck affair in sub-zero temperatures at the all-weather Farnarkeling Centre in Gottenburg earlier today, Australian time.
Dave Sorenson, the Paavo Nurmi of Australian farnarkeling, was prominent throughout and set Australia up with a powerhouse display in an explosive third warble. The axiomatic Sorenson, who was cleared to play only moments before the phlange was lowered, was all over the opposition until a spring went in his knee and he lost all feeling in the hormones. Sorenson is now in doubt for the semifinal against either Scotland or Taiwan and it will be tragic indeed if they can’t unscrew him before the weekend.
Australians into Final
Farnarkeling history was made last night in Madrid when Australia confounded the experts and bundled Scotland out of an incident-packed semifinal in front of an estimated crowd. In near-perfect conditions on a beautifully prepared grommet the Australians began well and wore the plucky Caledonians down with a combination of accurate lunging and superior fitness. Once again the very dextrous Dave Sorenson dominated the attacking phase and, after a short time, was arkeling from all points of the compass. Unfortunately, he suffered a spectacular mishap in the middle of the fourth warble when he dislodged a pinion in the goalpost-housing and impaled himself on the southern wall. It’ll be tragic indeed if he can’t be prised off the facilities in time to take his place in the side for what promises to be the final against the East Germans in Moscow next weekend.
Historic Victory
The Australian farnarkelers were literally on top of the world last night following their epoch-making victory against the formidable East German farnarkeling machine in a closely contested final at the People’s Farnarkeling Centre in light drizzle and heavy security in Moscow.
The ruthlessly professional East Germans began strongly and had the Australians reeling from a series of quite obvious and very brutal personal fouls. But just after the leiderkrantz it became obvious that the continually impressive Dave Sorenson had weathered the bone-crushing first warble and was prepared to take the fixture right up to the East Germans after the umlaut. The turning point came in the third warble when the oleagenous Sorenson arkeled from behind his own goal line despite being held by both opposing fullbacks and a small ice-flattening machine he’d inadvertently backed into during a lapse in concentration. Unfortunately, only moments later, he struck an overhead light with a wet knee and short-circuited his trousers. It’ll be tragic indeed if he can’t be deionised in time to return home to what promises to be a hero’s welcome in Sydney on Tuesday night.
Conquering Heroes Return
The victorious Australian farnarkeling team returned home in triumph last night with the bevelled orb safe in their keeping until the challenge round in late July, Australian time.
Team members were fulsome in their praise of the running of the championships and are approaching the government to get an arkeling grommet of international standard built in Canberra so overseas teams can provide much needed competition here during the northern summer.
The heavily bandaged Dave Sorenson, who aggravated a thigh injury with a heavy fall from the aircraft while deplaning before the ramp was in position, reacted strongly to suggestions that corporate sponsorship is poised to take farnarkeling into commercial television.
Proposals are already with the governing body to introduce a solid programme of one-day farnarkeling fixtures under lights with edited highlights between the warbles and a viewer competition tentatively called ‘Classic Arkels’.
Major manufacturers have already come up with what they claim is the definitive farnarkeling shoe, and T-shirts and initiatives in fast food are already in the pipeline. The well-credentialled Sorenson said he would have nothing whatever to do with what he described as ‘A ridiculous farnarkeling circus’ which he claimed would turn the game into some kind of joke. Although he did admit he had been approached.
It will be very unfortunate for arkelophiles if Sorenson’s assault hearing coincides with the exhibition match in Perth next Friday.
A capacity crowd was treated to a display of champagne farnarkeling in an exhibition fixture run in Perth on Friday to aid world famine relief.
In an all-star engagement the victorious Australian world championship sidelined up against a composite invitation team from other farnarkeling countries. The national side quickly demonstrated its total mastery of the code and pulled out every type of arkel from all parts of the grommet and seemed to have the flukem on a string, particularly when moving forward in defence. The very dextrous Dave Sorenson, who seems to set new standards every time he steps onto the sward, was in inspirational form and the game has never had a better ambassador. He was instrumental in one almost magical arkel just before the umlaut when he notched one up from well outside the whiffenwhacker by deflecting the gonad with his foot while being tackled. He was later involved in an unfortunate altercation with a section of wire netting at the southern end of the concourse and it’ll be tragic indeed if he can’t be disengaged in time for the Sportsman of the Year dinner, where he is the red-hot favourite to pick up the big one.
Sorenson Honoured
Dave Sorenson was named Sportsman of the Year at a well-attended post-prandial black-tie wallop in Sydney earlier this evening, Australian time.
The heavily bandaged but very dignified Sorenson, the Mick Young of Australian farnarkeling, was given a standing ovation as an edited sequence of some of his more spectacular arkles was projected on to a makeshift grommet positioned in th
e ceiling at the back of the transom-housing.
Unfortunately, Sorenson suffered a catastrophic personal mishap while mounting the podium to pick up the sculpted tribute. He hadn’t looked well since the soup and it was no surprise to onlookers when he fell through a rostrum interstice only seconds later while raising the golden artefact and thanking his immediate family.
Organisers said that this was the first time since the function’s inception that the award had been taken internally and it’ll be tragic indeed if the accoladectomy can’t be performed in time for Sorenson to attend the launch of the farnarkeling federation’s new televised drive for popular support.
The Resolution of Conflict
In which a mature understanding is brought to certain delicate questions and from which it may be deduced that a fat lot of good it is too.
Industrial Unrest Crisis Point
An uneasy truce, in existence since members of the Federated Under Tens’ Association accepted a package of long-term benefits and returned to work a month ago, is showing signs of fraying at the edges.
The Massed Five Year Olds have grown in strength, having changed jobs this year, forgoing a part-time casual consultancy, pasting pieces of refuse together and reassuring one another as to the circular persistence of the wheels on the bus, in favour of a full-time tenured position painting themselves green and hanging upside down from garden furniture.
The curfew introduced in early February, as part of a range of initiatives designed to improve operational standards following the annual break, has not been accepted at all well. The Federated Under Tens were known to be opposed to curfews and a rather inept and politically dangerous attempt was made by management to introduce one without calling it a curfew.
The FUT read the mood of the meeting beautifully, and boldly decided that the correct response to something that was pretending to be a curfew was to pretend to accept it. This prevented the problem from emerging as a theoretical discussion and consequently a number of hours are now being lost through regular tests of muscle and endurance on the evening shift.
The moment of curfew is in effect, the trouble begins. Within minutes, as if by prearranged signal, one of the delegates is located in a restricted area. Offenders are frequently apprehended carrying contraband goods, impounded literature or rolls of Sellotape, which they are believed to be storing somewhere, possibly in an underground warehouse.
On one recent occasion, a delegate was found holding down the flushing mechanism on a toilet in order to simulate ablutionary activity while another delegate was pushing a member of the Australian Association of Dogs around in a cardboard box. When asked to explain the merits of this exercise, one of the delegates described their purpose as being in some way related to dental hygiene. The AAD made no official comment, but its representative was clearly embarrassed and will perhaps not be so easily coerced again.
This followed a heated exchange in mid-February when authorities investigating unusual sounds were surprised to walk in on a trampolining contest in what was listed as a dormitory zone. This had obviously been in progress for some time as those involved were perspiring freely and the area had sustained serious structural damage.
Government stepped in. The position was said by government to be one of the utmost gravity. Safety standards were being jeopardised, product quality was down. Such privileges as had previously been negotiated would be subject to immediate review, said government, if this sort of thing did not stop forthwith.
The following night an office-bearer in the Massed Fives was found to be conducting a series of command-style raids on the food refrigeration facility. The facts were difficult to obtain in this instance because the accused was wearing a stackhat and could not hear the carefully worded questions of security personnel.
Other outstanding disputes include the long-running controversy about the clothing allowance, which is said by the FUT to be completely inadequate and which ministry representatives have described as ‘very generous indeed’.
Regulations currently in force lay down parameters for the cleansing, refurbishing and replacement of suitable clothing to reasonable levels. It is this last phrase upon which the disagreement pivots. For example, regulations express a need for two socks per person per day, such to be returned. The FUT wants ‘unless lost’ to be added to this requirement, and it wants the number increased from two to twenty-seven.
The Massed Fives are pushing for alternative legislation providing for a particular set of clothes, deemed ideal for prevailing conditions, to be cleaned daily and not varied by management without the express written consent of the wearer; any variation or other breach of this understanding to be met with instant withdrawal of all services by the Massed Fives, and any attempt at arbitration to be rejected well above acceptable noise levels.
The overall position is considered by experts to be about as average as anyone can remember. No one can remember a time when the overall position was less perfectly normal than it is now. All parties are said to be hopeful of an early settlement and are planning to meet first thing in the morning provided they get enough sleep.
Entire Country Held to Ransom
Australia ground to a virtual halt on Tuesday when the Federated Under Tens’ Association withdrew services, stating that in their view it was an unreasonable demand that they wear a sun hat in the sun. They further suggested that the placement of sunscreen lotion on or about their persons was an infringement of basic human rights and was ‘simply not on’.
A compromise was reached when it was conceded that they should not come over here and do it, but that someone would go over there and do it, and that, yes, they could go to Timmy and Simone’s afterwards.
Wednesday saw the dispute widen when an affiliated body, the Massed Five Year Olds, showed their hand by waiting until the temperature had built up and management had about a hundredweight of essential foodstuffs in transit from supermarket to transport and then sitting down on the footpath over a log of claims relating to ice cream.
The Federated Under Tens, sensing blood in the water, immediately lodged a similar demand and supported the Massed Five Year Olds by pretending to have a breakdown as a result of cruelty and appalling conditions.
The problem had been further exacerbated by a breakage to one of the food-carrying receptacles and some consequent structural damage to several glass bottles and a quantity of eggs, the contents of which were beginning to impinge on the wellbeing of the public thoroughfare.
Government stepped in. Government expressed itself in the form of a brief address. Ice cream would be provided, explained an official, but not simply because it has been demanded. This was not the way to achieve results and no repetition of this sort of thing would be tolerated.
A highly ranked source in the Under Tens said: ‘We regret that we have to take this type of action. Believe me, we tried reason.’
‘Strawberry,’ said someone from the Massed Fives, ‘with pineapple and blue heaven.’
Relations seemed to have stabilised by Thursday following substantial reorganisation along the lines of a collectivist approach to decision-making. The Federated Under Tens and the Massed Fives were awake to the possibilities here and by block-voting and the use of secret hand signals they dominated meetings and might have taken complete control of policy formation had it not been for an unfortunate incident in which an office-bearer in the FUT was arrested for the attempted murder of the National Secretary of the MFYO in an internal disagreement about Textacolour ownership.
An attempt to establish clearly marked territories and separate job definitions was unsuccessful as it was the preferred option of each group that it should have the territory and the other should have the jobs. The matter was deadlocked at tea and a cooling-down period was necessary before negotiations could continue.
The evening was passed quietly except for a near tragedy when the local representative of the Australian Association of Dogs upset the fragile ceasefire by sitting on the Ludo while
nobody was looking.
Friday was a lay-day as the site was visited by independent authorities from the National Union of Grandparents, a benevolent organisation thought to be funded by the tea industry.
Differences were forgotten and any slight flare-ups were resolved by the laying-on of hands or in one rather more passionate instance, by the laying-on of feet.
By mid-morning on Saturday, interest rates were improving and both major industrial groups seemed happy with production levels and working conditions. At 1100 hours sun hats were provided and a protective lotion was distributed to all personnel. At first there seemed to be no objection. Then the FUT refused point-blank to put them on or to handle them in any way and the MFYO, in flagrant contravention of previous undertakings, demanded ice cream and plenty of it.
Prospects for the rest of the year look a little bleak from here. I can only wish you well.
Winter of Discontent
There is a feeling in the market that during recent months the unions have quite consciously prevented disputes from flaring up in a random and isolated fashion, and have instead been stockpiling ammunition for a comprehensive showdown. It promises to be a top-of-the-range affair and tickets should be booked early.
There are several very major problems. The Federated Under Tens’ Association have had a range of grievances festering since early in the June quarter, when new clothing regulations were introduced. The Under Tens were known to be against regulations of any sort and their reaction to the provision of compulsory wet-weather gear was predictably hostile, despite the fact that the principal reason for the introduction of wet-weather gear was the wetness of the weather.
