by Shona Husk
Filid nodded. “I haven’t seen him for years.”
“If you get time you should catch a show, they’re really something.” Sensual and full of flesh. They were designed to get patrons’ blood pumping. She’d seen her share of them over the years.
He frowned. “You come here often?”
“Most liners stop here. I’m hoping to switch to the Adventure Bird next year. The seven most dangerous planets tour.” While she’d already hiked one, seeing the other six was on her list of things to do before going back to Lekithia… But she was always adding to that list, finding excuses and reasons she shouldn’t go home.
“Genosh deserts, Melixia, Jhela-3—” Filid starting listing what he thought were the most dangerous holiday destinations.
“Already been there.” She smiled and turned to face him.
“You’re a thrill seeker,” he said as if just discovering who she was. One tentacle touched her cheek.
“Avoiding going home.”
“Aren’t we all?” He pressed his lips to hers in a kiss that could only be farewell. There was no demand and no heat, just the light brush of his lips before he drew away.
Her heart jumped into her throat and tried to suffocate her. She blinked back tears so he wouldn’t see and tried to project happiness.
He looked confused for a moment, then concerned. Her mental ruse had failed to fool him. He was still cupping her jaw as if reluctant to let go completely. “I really enjoyed our time together.”
“Me too.” More than he would ever know. And while she’d finally be able to cross him off her list, she didn’t want to. She swallowed hard and tried to push away the old feelings that came from working together, the hunger that had existed between them, the hunger that was still there, momentarily sated but it would be back and eager for more. She hadn’t gotten him out of her system, she’d invited him deeper.
It was time to go before this got maudlin or they had another fight. They would leave on good terms this time. Maybe with space and time between them the old desire would fade along with the regret of not having him and taking that chance.
She’d taken it this time.
It had been worth it.
She should be happy.
The clock beeped and the room door hissed open. Their time was up.
He kissed her again. Hard and desperate, as if he was trying to imprint it forever in his mind.
Then he was walking away, out of her life again. The one man in the universe who had the power to tear the center out of hers.
Silva took a couple of breaths, the taste of him still on her tongue, her body aching from his touch. She didn’t want any of the pleasures offered on the Moon except Filid.
Chapter Three
His cousin had been working on the Moon since leaving the APM. Older, but not wiser, Hamlik had been given a choice—leave the planet or get therapy after getting into a brawl. Violence of any kind was frowned about in Klokian society, however it was deemed all right to mess with people’s minds to make them conform. To Filid that was worse. Hamlik felt the same as Filid, and as instead of getting therapy he had joined the APM. He’d done his minimum four-year service and gotten out, determined to live his own life. It had been he who’d suggested Filid get out, see the galaxy and find his own path.
Perhaps there was a fault in their genes that predisposed them to violence and non-compliance to what was expected in Klokian society. Filid knew he’d never have been happy there if he’d tried to fit in, and leaving was something he’d never regretted. He liked being in the APM.
But Filid was already regretting walking out on Silva without saying what he wanted to say. To admit to longing for her, to trying to find her and to apologize for the argument. He wasn’t sure acting like strangers coming together for a fuck was any better. It certainly hadn’t dissolved what he felt for her or erased the longing.
If anything he wanted more. More time, more something.
“You appear to be distracted. Work getting to you?” Hamlik picked at his meal, segregating it into protein and plant.
After years in the APM, Filid wasn’t as fussy. To the APM, food meant nourishment and little else. Appearance and texture were optional, not essential.
“Kind of.” He ate without tasting even though it was probably the best meal, and certainly the most expensive, he’d had in a while. It was difficult, but he tried to shield his thought from his cousin and he avoided trying to read Hamlik’s thoughts as well.
“Still, glad you could squeeze me into your busy schedule.” Hamlik grinned and started eating now that his plate was divided into quadrants.
“I’m glad I’m here.” It had been a long time since he’d seen any family, and what he’d seen of the Moon was wonderful. What he’d seen of Silva was better.
Hamlik snorted. “I can tell, from your sour disposition and the way your thoughts are focused on the woman you’ve just been with.”
Filid glared at his cousin. “You know, I don’t miss hanging around with Klokians at all.” At least his thoughts were his own in the APM.
“I’m stirring. If you hadn’t gotten laid on the Moon, I’d have been truly worried. I’m just glad you didn’t blow me off for her.”
“I wouldn’t do that,” Filid said immediately, even though that wasn’t the entire truth. In the APM he’d learned to lie—a skill that would be very much frowned upon at home.
“Yeah you would…but only for her.” Hamlik’s tentacles lifted and reached out. He was curious about why and had no qualms about trying to read Filid’s thoughts. “Who is she?”
Filid considered saying nothing but his cousin was scanning all of his thoughts, searching for the answer. Filid couldn’t help but resent the skimming of his thoughts. Fuck off and get out of my head.
“Can’t help it,” Hamlik said around a bite of food.
Filid ate in silence for a little. He didn’t need words to talk to Hamlik. Instead he opened his mind to his cousin. He let images of Silva in uniform fill his thoughts, the argument and their meeting at the pilots’ bar. He didn’t supply details of what had followed after, but he was sure Hamlik could guess the rest.
“Ah.” Hamlik tilted his head, confusion filling his thoughts. “Why didn’t you just greet her affectionately in the bar?”
Because he was an idiot who was scared of being rejected or unremembered, but he couldn’t say that aloud, even if Hamlik could read it in his thoughts. “Because of how it ended last time.”
“I think six years is long enough to get over an argument.”
Filid shook his head. “She lashed out and instead of doing the right thing I joined in. I should have known better but I wanted her so bad I was considering breaking the rules.” He drew in a breath. Despite the shower, Silva’s scent was still on his skin. The pheromone she secreted when aroused lingered like perfume and heated his blood. He’d never be able to get her out of his thoughts now.
“And would the court martial have been worth it?”
Filid knew the answer without even pausing. It would have. Then one of them could have resigned and they could have been together. They would’ve found a way.
“But she’s not APM anymore, so why are you having lunch with me instead of her?”
Because instead of doing the right thing and being honest and risking his heart for the one person he’d always wanted he’d let fear rule and taken the coward’s route. He was actually glad that most of this conversation didn’t need words. Filid was sure his cousin grasped the sense of shame, torment and desire.
Hamlik shook his head. “Look, I see a lot here. People who marry after too many drinks and then get divorced just as fast. I see staff marry and stay together for years…regardless of species.” Hamlik read the thoughts full of doubt as fast as Filid could think them. “It doesn’t matter. The people who make it are the ones who want to be together despite the odds. So you have tentacles and she has spots. Big deal.”
Filid wanted to kiss every one of her spo
ts. He and Silva might look different on the surface but they were similar in that they loved to travel. He loved the way she dreamed big and was always looking for the next challenge. He wanted to be her next challenge and her reason not to go home, and he could be hers. Together, traveling the stars forever. A sigh escaped. Reality and dreams were two very different things.
“What are the chances that we’ll ever get to spend time together?” The galaxy was a big place. Once Silva left the Moon she’d be lost to him again. It had taken six years for their paths to cross again. The idea that it would take another six, or worse, they would never meet again, made him want to jump out an airlock.
“Don’t be hasty. Death is rather final. You make it happen.”
“It’s all right for you, you live in the same place, not on a ship that is always moving.”
Hamlik looked at him. You’re an idiot making excuses because you’re scared ball-less. Quit running from something and run to something for a change.
“Do you have the balls to say that out loud?” But Filid knew Hamlik had a point. “There’s no way I can face her again, not now.”
“So you’d rather lose her again?”
Put that way…a lifetime of knowing she was out there, eventually married to someone else. Would she be thinking of him? Or would she lock those memories away?
“I lost her a long time ago.”
Coward. Hamlik raised his glass. You might as well go home and conform.
Fuck you.
No one else had ever messed with his head like Silva. Around her it was hard to tell right from wrong. That wasn’t the start of a relationship. That was trouble.
* * * * *
While it was nice to see family after being in space for so long, and in truth it was the family connection that had gotten him the trip to the Moon, Hamlik was the person who saw through him and the lies he told himself. The other military police on the APM ship had all wanted the trip, they’d tried to barter and bribe their way into a swap. Who didn’t want to go to Decadent Moon?
Him.
Instead of enjoying all its delights he was back in the pilots’ bar hoping she’d be there and he could try again. If he’d never come here, he could’ve held on to the fantasy of what their meeting would be like, instead he’d butchered it and had made a bigger mess. Yet he’d had the time of his life and wasn’t ready for it end. However, he was running out of time to fix it, assuming that was even possible.
Assuming he even saw her again. The Moon was a big place. He left the bar without getting a drink.
She could be anywhere.
Once again he was trying to find Silva and get another chance. Only this time it wasn’t the APM standing between them. It was just the distances their jobs took them. He stopped and pretended to look at an ad for the raunchy shows. It was never going to work between them. This was a foolish mission that would end badly.
He had no idea what to say. He couldn’t walk up to her, say how badly he wanted her—no, needed her, but that it was never going to work out. That would just cut them both. The ad didn’t even raise his pulse.
Lost and unsure he walked around the Moon, well aware that when the dock opened he’d have to leave and get the prisoner onto the APM ship that was waiting. They didn’t have permission to dock, so they’d sent a shuttle with one pilot and one cop, much to the crew’s disgust. He tried to imagine the Moon overrun with APM crew looking for a good time. The mess they’d make wouldn’t be worth the influx of chits.
Plus they might scare the other pleasure seekers.
He stuck his head into a couple of shows, even watched one for a few moments. Half-dressed dancers doing moves that left little to the imagination, only to follow up with amazing feats of strength and aerial acrobatics. Silva was right. The shows were amazing. But she wasn’t here. He’d sense her if she was close.
His Silva who longed for the stars and was amazed by the natural beauty of things, not the manmade. She wanted to see the seven most dangerous planets on the Adventure Bird. The most dangerous planet she could see from the Moon was the ice planet. In that moment he knew where she would be if she wasn’t in the pilots’ bar.
He made his way quickly to the viewing deck where people could watch the ships, the ice planet and the stars beyond. Most people who came here wouldn’t care about any of those things, but she would.
There was one person gazing out the window.
She was dressed in a figure-hugging pantsuit and not in the red uniform he’d first seen her in, but he knew it was her. The brown hair he’d braided hung down her back to her ass. Her bag was at her feet and her attention was fixed on the planet out the window.
He watched her for a moment, willing her to turn around so he didn’t have to make the first move. But she didn’t give any sign that she was aware he was there. He paused a moment to watch her and wonder what she was thinking. Was she thinking of him?
Filid took a couple of heavy steps forward so she’d hear his approach. “Silva.”
She jerked and turned around. Her eyebrows lifted and shock rippled off her. He’d hoped she’d run into his arms, but her expression became a frown and she kept her back to the window.
Did she not want him to find her and talk about it? Too late now. At least it would be settled once and for all. That had to be better than leaving the wound open. “I needed to see you again. I can’t leave things the way they are.”
Silva’s breath caught. She’d wanted to hear him say that for so long, but she couldn’t admit that. Her pride wouldn’t allow it.
“I thought you didn’t recognize me.” She tilted her chin and tried to sound as though she didn’t care, even though she knew he’d know it was a lie.
“Of course I did. I wasn’t sure you recognized me, and then the moment sort of slipped past.” He glanced down as if there was something on his boots.
“You mean when we were having drinks or when you were making me scream?” But she was as much at fault as him. She’d said nothing because she was too afraid. He’d been afraid too and yet, here he was determined to try to make amends. There was simply too much too apologize for—on both sides.
“You didn’t scream. It was more panting and moaning.” He looked up and smiled as though it was funny and he could take away all the hurt by making her laugh.
It wasn’t that easy though and she refused to fall and hurt herself on him again. No, matter how much she wanted him, she could never have him. Not truly. “You know what I mean.”
He placed his hands behind his back, at ease but still aware he was being formally judged. He’d always looked good in that uniform. The dark blue brought out the shade of his eyes and made his skin seem whiter. She was sure he knew it too. His tentacles slid over his shoulders, seeking her thoughts.
The memory of where they’d been heated her blood and made her cheeks burn.
“You didn’t say anything either. It takes two to mess things up this badly.”
She couldn’t deny that, so she nodded. “I was scared. I didn’t want to greet you and receive a blank look in return. You don’t know how much I’ve thought of you. How much I wanted to take back our last farewell.”
His lips turned down as if even the memory hurt. “Farewell is a polite word for what happened.”
That was true. It had been a brutal argument that had been the only way they could express all the tension that had been building between them. “You could’ve had me charged for striking a cop.”
“You didn’t connect, besides then there would have been questions we didn’t want to answer. I wanted you, not to bring you down.” He took a step forward.
“Why didn’t you kiss me that day?” His lips had been so close. She’d wanted him so much. He must have been able to sense that… Had that only made it harder for him to resist, knowing the desire was mutual?
“I was trying to do the right thing. It’s why I never contacted you. Then I heard you’d left the APM but I couldn’t find you.”
&n
bsp; That was more than she’d done. She hadn’t tried. The heat and need in those last few moments had excited her and scared her. But it hadn’t stopped her from craving him. He was everything she’d ever dreamed, and yet they couldn’t be together. “So now it’s goodbye again.”
Why had he owned up to remembering her now? She could’ve moved past him and lived with the knowledge that he didn’t remember her the way she remembered him. Now she had to live with the knowledge that he still wanted her and they were destined to never be together.
“No. It doesn’t have to be, not this time.” He took another step forward.
She shook her head. This was infinitely more painful than fighting. “We had a good time, better than good, and I don’t regret a moment.”
Filid stopped, his tentacles dropping for a moment as confusion altered his features. “You’re not willing to even give us a chance.”
“What chance? You’re still APM and I fly a liner. What do you think our chances of crossing flight paths will be?” She should be kissing him, not pushing him away, but she couldn’t. He’d pull her apart without even realizing. Her need for him would destroy them both.
For a moment he said nothing. Then he crossed the remaining distance between them in a few long strides and sealed his lips to hers. She resisted for a milli-tric before melting against him. Her arms wrapped around his neck, his tentacles traced along her bare arms. She didn’t want to let him go. She wanted to know he was waiting for her and that they would be together but the one thing she’d learnt in the APM was just how vast space was. Even sticking to the trade routes, there were so many commerce stations and spaceports, so many ships.
She eased back, her lips crushed and hungry for more. Her eyes filled with tears. “Are you trying to say goodbye or begging me to stay?”
