“We talked about a lot of stuff,” he said. “Mark’s wedding, her new boyfriend in Maryland. About Montana.”
Daniel shot him a harsh look. “Montana? And what did you have to say to her about Montana? Did you tell her we’re living together, like you told Kevin Hassler?”
Fury simmered inside Aiden. For Daniel to strike him with such reproachful and undeserving words while he suffered…. Daniel seemed… unjust.
“Don’t you worry, Daniel,” he said, biting down his anger. “She knows nothing about our secret life.” Even through his mounting rage, Aiden respected Daniel enough to keep his tongue from wagging further.
Yet Daniel seemed to have no problem letting his sentiments flow unabashed.
Shaking his head over and over while he slipped under the covers of his own bed, Daniel said, “You shoulda not come back here. I shoulda not allowed you to talk me into letting you come. You shoulda not come back here….”
Chapter Fifteen
DANIEL recognized the hurt cut across Aiden’s face. But he chose not to hold back. If Aiden wanted the truth so badly, then the truth he should have. Aiden’s coming to Illinois was a mistake. For everyone.
“I don’t mean to hurt you,” Daniel said, keeping his posture stiff while he leaned against the headboard of his bed, “but I won’t be able to rest properly until we get back to Montana.”
Aiden stared vacantly at the ceiling, his eyes unblinking.
“You push too hard sometimes,” Daniel went on. “You always want things to be a certain way. You want the whole world to live by your ideals. Some things are best to leave alone, no matter how unpleasant they seem.”
“All I ever wanted was to love you,” Aiden whispered. “To me you’re everything I have. Everything I’ve ever wanted. I’ve never cared what anyone else might think.”
“All you wanted?” Daniel snickered, pulled the covers closer to his chest. “Aiden, you’re always wanting more. You’re never satisfied with the way things are. All you done is pressure me to open up or come out, or whatever you call it.”
“You haven’t looked at it from my point of view,” Aiden said.
“What about mine? You push and push and push, blind to everyone around you.”
“Daniel, maybe that’s my way of claiming you, to want to shout to the world that I love you. The same way Mark and Heidi did at their wedding. I have no other way. Not really. And what’s the point of dreaming about marriage when, even where same-sex marriages are legal, you’d probably be too embarrassed to go through with it. Illinois just legalized same-sex unions. What would you do if I said I wanted for us to get legal for Christmas, huh? Right here in Frederick County? By law, they’d have to oblige us.”
Sighing, Daniel rolled his eyes and grunted. Aiden had always talked of a “real” wedding one day. Being raised plain, Daniel did not need so much government validation (although even the Amish registered their marriages with the state). “You’re being awfully dramatic, don’t you think?”
Aiden remained silent. Daniel started to worry over Aiden’s glum mood. He was pulling into himself, and Daniel was unused to seeing this side of him. “Aiden, things will be better once we get back to Montana,” he said, softening his tone. “For now, let things be.”
“I think it’s too late for that.” Aiden’s voice sounded empty, miserable, as if he were standing on the edge of a wooden plank on a ship.
“Aiden—”
“Listen, Daniel.” Aiden shook his head. “Maybe you’re not ready for this. Apparently, I’m not ready either. Maybe you need more time to think about things, to make up your mind what you want. And you know something? I need time, too.”
Daniel twisted to face Aiden. “Why are you making such a mountain out of wanting a little privacy?”
“There’s a fine line between privacy and being embarrassed who you are, who we are. But I guess none of that matters anymore.”
“It’s not about being embarrassed, Aiden. I don’t want to stand out.”
Aiden snickered. “We already stand out. The more you hide, the more you expose yourself, Daniel. That’s what makes all this so… so ridiculous. We’re not the only ones playing games. Everyone is. About the only ones being honest are Elisabeth and Mark, and Kevin.”
“Elisabeth and Mark? What do you mean?”
“They know about us, Daniel.”
Daniel sat up taller, grabbed onto the edge of the quilt. His eyes burned. He could hardly believe his ears. “You didn’t tell them too, did you? Is that the secret Mom said she heard you and Elisabeth share when you were sick with the flu in David’s room? Is it? Tell me.”
“What secret? What are you talking about, Daniel?”
“Did you tell Elisabeth, yes or no?”
“No, I didn’t have to tell her. Elisabeth’s known all along, I’m sure. I think she’s known you were gay for a while. In her own way, she’s given us her blessing, if that means anything to you.”
“And Mark? You told Mark?”
Aiden chortled, shook his head. “No, we never spoke a word about it. But do you honestly think he didn’t know I was living with you in Montana when he sent that wedding invitation? He wrote that letter wanting to make it seem like he didn’t know. In his sweet, innocent way, he’s known all along too.”
Speechless, Daniel sat, staring at Aiden but not seeing him, more like looking into some unavoidable abyss. The truth of Aiden’s words cut into him like a jigsaw. Of course they knew. Mark and Elisabeth were two of the most astute people in Frederick County. And young David? He most likely knew too, which explained his ornery behavior lately. And during his entire stay, Daniel had known they knew. He only wanted to avoid facing it. Who else in the community might know? He followed Aiden with his eyes as he climbed out of bed and fumbled into his clothes.
“What’re you doing?” Daniel said.
“Packing.”
“What for? We’re not supposed to leave until Tuesday.”
“I can’t take this anymore.” Aiden tossed his duffel bag onto his bed. “So many lies, and stories on top of stories. I can’t even follow them all. I’m afraid if I speak to anyone, I’ll blow your cover. Afraid of so many things suddenly. I hate that feeling, Daniel. I’ve even gotten sick from all this. I’m so stressed, and I haven’t had the flu in years.”
“But… but where’re you going to go?”
“Back to Montana, to the cabin. Who knows? There’s already too much going on around here. I would’ve hoped to have more of your support, but I see I can’t even count on that, at least not while we’re in Illinois.” Aiden stopped packing a moment and locked eyes on Daniel. “I’m tired of being your dirty little secret, Daniel.”
Clothes and toiletries flew into Aiden’s black duffel bag, the one with that annoying turquoise stripe. Daniel wanted to stop him, but he felt as if someone had him pinned to the bed. Why couldn’t he move? Why couldn’t he hold Aiden back?
“You’re leaving now?” Daniel asked. “On Christmas Eve?”
Aiden paused, his arms pressing inside the bag as if it were about to devour him. “Wouldn’t you rather me leave? Well, wouldn’t you?”
Daniel did not answer. He did rather Aiden leave, back to Montana, to their cabin nestled in the hills near the Swan Range. That’s why he could not move off the bed. He wanted Aiden to go. But not like this. Not boiling with so much resentment.
“I didn’t expect you to try and stop me,” Aiden said with a sarcastic bite, a side of him Daniel had only seen once before, when a man in Kalispell had nearly run them off the road while they were driving in town.
“Aiden, it’s not like that….”
“Daniel, in a way, I feel responsible. I expected too much from you, from your entire community. It’s not your fault. I’ve caused too much trouble here already.”
With an irritating screech, Aiden zipped his duffel bag shut and carried it to the door. He pulled on his coat and gloves.
“Aiden, how will you get home? The Su
burban’s still in the shop.”
“I’ll call Joe Karpin to give me a ride to the airport. I don’t care how much a flight costs.” He grabbed for his cell phone and was in the process of dialing when Daniel stopped him.
“Joe Karpin’s in Arizona. His daughter’s doing the driving for him. But she told us after dropping off Leah and Mom, she’s going to some Christmas show in Mattoon tonight and won’t be free until tomorrow afternoon. Wait until then, at least.”
Aiden’s expression grew even more irate. “I’ll call Kevin.” He dialed Kevin’s number. Daniel heard Kevin’s voice on the other end. When Aiden hung up, he said, “Kevin’s still at the Blade. He said he could give me a lift to Champaign, or even one of the two Chicago airports, if I wanted. I’m going to meet him at the office.”
“How’re you going to get a last-minute flight on Christmas Eve?”
“I’ll get standby. I’d rather wait around an airport all night than spend any more time here. You were right all along, Daniel. I should never have come back here.”
“Why don’t you have Kevin pick you up? Or at least let me get one of the innkeepers to give you a lift to Kevin’s. I’m sure they won’t mind.”
Aiden spit out a laugh. “No, Daniel, no. That’s okay. You stay in bed. Don’t you worry about me.”
He opened the door and fumbled with his duffel bag down the hallway.
Finally, Daniel flung off the bedcovers, pulled on his pants over his pajama bottoms, and followed after him, but slowly, shuffling, as if he were permitting him to go. Standing on the front porch, he watched Aiden heave his duffel bag down the steps and out onto the parking lot. Daniel glanced to his left to make sure the innkeeper was away from the front desk.
“What should I tell my family?” he asked.
“Why don’t you tell them I said goodbye. It’ll be more of a goodbye than I was able to give them the last time, when your father kicked me out of Henry.”
“Aiden, are you really leaving?”
Before turning onto the shoulder of the lane, Aiden stopped and glowered at him. “Yes, Daniel, I’m really leaving.”
He spun and walked away. Breath curled from his mouth as he disappeared into the background of the starry black night.
Chapter Sixteen
DANIEL watched the fiery orb rise above the horizon and set the white landscape aglow like burning embers. Through the window he noticed an overnight snowfall had left another few inches. Other than the sparrows chirping in the bushes abutting the inn, there was on overall tomblike stillness.
Sitting up in bed, he reached for his cell phone from the night table and speed dialed Aiden’s number. By now he would be back at the cabin in Montana, safe and sound. Perhaps later on he’d make a fire in their small wood-burning fireplace, pour himself a cup of hot chocolate with a sprinkle of cinnamon the way he liked, curl up with one of his paperbacks on their secondhand sofa.
The image pleased Daniel. He was glad Aiden had gone. Despite his leaving angrily and rashly, it was for the best.
Aiden was out of Henry, away from the stress and dangers that lurked behind every barn and down each desolate lane, and Daniel could breathe a little easier.
The phone went straight to voice mail. A little odd, but perhaps Aiden had turned off his phone to get some extra sleep. He’d been turning off his phone a lot lately, Daniel thought with a grimace. A two-hour difference, it was yet only five o’clock in the morning in Montana. For sure he’d had a trying night at the airport. No telling how long he’d had to wait for a last-minute flight out of either Chicago or Champaign’s small regional airport. He left a short text message, expecting Aiden to get back to him after he awoke.
He called Kevin Hassler at his office to ask how everything had gone. When the phone went to a voice recording, Daniel remembered today was Christmas Sunday. Even the most hardworking in Henry would be home for the holiday, especially at that hour.
He clicked off his phone and lumbered out of bed. Figuring he had no reason to remain at the inn with Aiden gone, he packed his things and checked out two days early.
Dressed in his Amish best, he walked the two miles to the family farm with his suitcase by his side and the laptop Aiden had forgotten when he’d left so hastily slung over his shoulder. A light tug of guilt pulled on him for what had happened last night. Aiden had been more upset than he had ever seen him. But Aiden’s leaving was for the best. They could patch things up once he returned to Montana.
He had no idea what he would tell his family about Aiden. They’d want to know where he’d gone. He would tell them the truth. That he was back in Montana. At his home. There was no falsehood in that.
He almost could smell his mother’s cooking when he turned onto the lane where the family farm stood. Rachel and the girls had done so much cooking with Mark’s wedding, the guests, and now Christmas, the ovens probably hadn’t a chance to cool below one hundred fifty degrees in more than a week. No breakfast would be waiting for him since tradition dictated the community fast Christmas mornings, but he looked forward to the noon meal when they would feast on donuts, cinnamon rolls, roasted meats, pickled eggs, and homemade cheeses.
The Amish never celebrated Christmas like the English (Epiphany was more solemnly observed), but it was Christmas nonetheless. Nice to spend a relaxing holiday with family. Even if Aiden wasn’t there to share the day with him the way they had planned. Sad he would be alone on the Lord’s birthday, but at least he’d be comfortable in their cabin.
He noticed someone had hitched Gertrude to the largest of the family’s black buggies when he strode up the driveway. Ready for church, he figured. Stroking her muzzle, her ears flicking from his touch, he smiled thinking how he and Aiden had gone to the horse auction together last summer, and how much he’d resisted his mother’s urging that he take him. During that trip he’d realized how much the Englisher had smitten him.
He stomped his boots free of snow over the welcome mat and stepped inside the warm house right when his family was scrambling to get ready for church. He grinned, remembering how difficult it was to get nine people ready for Church Sundays. Now, with Gretchen, they had one extra underfoot, in addition to little Leah needing added care.
Despite the early hour, the younger kinner had already opened their Christmas presents. An armful of boxes scattered about the sitting room floor and decorative fabrics used to wrap them were draped over the furniture. The kinner had probably opened the gifts before sunup, by the glow of lanterns, the way they’d used to when he was a boy.
Rosy cheeked, Leah sat in the sitting room in her wheelchair, attempting to play with a faceless Amish doll on her lap. He was happy to see her home from the hospital. She appeared much healthier. He waved to her when she smiled and struggled to raise her head. Amazing how her smile muscles seemed to be the only part of her body unaffected by the MLD.
He set the bags in the corner by the wall pegs and was about to head for the kitchen when the chaos of the church rush pushed him backward. Heidi and Mark raced up and down the stairs at least three times before they even noticed him. Heidi gave him an unexpected and quick hug and wished him Merry Christmas. Moriah near ran straight into him where he stood in the hallway.
“My flu is mostly gone,” she said. “I’m much better.”
“That’s goot,” Daniel said.
“Look at the dress Elisabeth made me for Christmas.” Moriah dangled the dress before his eyes. “Isn’t it pretty? I’m going to wear it to the gmay today.”
“It’s very nice.” Daniel smiled. “You’ll look pretty in it, for sure.”
“We’re not supposed to look pretty in things,” Moriah said, cocking her head, her brow braided. “But I like the color. Lavender is my favorite.” She hurried upstairs, the dress flailing behind her in a blur of fabric.
“Where’s Aiden?” Grace asked, coming off the last step as she sidestepped her younger sister. She was in the process of securing her bonnet over her kapp.
“He had to go
back to Montana.”
“He left?” Rachel looked at him from her rocking chair, where she had been nursing Gretchen all along. Daniel hadn’t noticed her in the sitting room from where he stood. She must’ve moved the rocker from its usual position to be closer to the window to catch the morning light while she nursed.
“Ya, he left last night,” Daniel said.
Rachel raised her eyebrows. “But how?” She glanced out the window. “Your truck’s still in the shop, nay?”
“Kevin Hassler drove him to the airport.”
Grace’s arms dropped to her sides. “I wanted him to come to church with us.”
“He’s gone,” was all Daniel could utter. The icy words had fallen from his chapped lips like hailstones. He spoke the truth. Aiden was gone, and they would not be sharing that first Christmas together, the way they had planned. But there would be more Christmases. Wouldn’t there?
Watching his family, allowing them to sink into his eyes, he wondered if he would ever be as much a part of their lives as he’d once been. Would this be one of the last times he might ever see them? How unbearable would that be?
“Frehlicher Grishtdaag,” Elisabeth said to him. She stood under the kitchen archway clasping a dish towel, dressed and ready for services in her violet dress and white cape and bonnet.
“Merry Christmas,” Daniel replied, trying to grin himself out of his melancholy.
“Would you like some coffee?” she asked. “I already washed the pot, but I can brew some more.”
“There’s no time,” Samuel said, stepping into the hallway from his and Rachel’s bedroom as he fastened the top two hook-and-eyes on his stiff white shirt. “Best we get going, especially with the streets full of snow.” He called upstairs. “Kinner, let’s go. Gertrude is waiting, and we don’t want to be late for Christmas service.”
Grabbing for his black down jacket from the wall peg by the front door, Samuel glanced at the corner of the floor. “I can see you brought your bags from the inn. Are you leaving?”
Between Two Promises Page 15
