by Gale Stanley
“But --”
“It’s not you. I have a bad case of whiskey dick.”
He looked confused. This had never happened before. I helped him with his clothes and urged him toward the door.
After he left, I poured myself a stiff drink and swallowed most of it in one gulp. The fiery liquid burned my throat. I waited for a comforting buzz to warm my body, and get me out of my head, but it didn’t happen. I sat in the dark, feeling miserable. I kept imagining Lee kissing his boyfriend, taking him to bed, making love to him. It drove me crazy.
The next day Joey asked me to meet at the club and I begged off. I didn’t want to run into Beau, or anybody else looking for a quickie. What if I couldn’t perform again? It wasn’t a good look for a porn star. Besides, my desire was lacking. Fortunately, filming wasn’t affected. They want me to last a long time.
Every time Paul or Joey mentioned the club, I pled exhaustion. I wasn’t interested in drinking or dancing. I knew that wouldn’t help my mood. After a few days, I asked Paul if he heard from Lee. He hadn’t.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Could I have done something that drove him away? Once the thought popped into my head, I couldn’t get rid of it. Despite what I do for a living, and all the men salivating over me, I have a deeply buried fear of being unlovable. Hey, who doesn’t have baggage? It’s not so strange. After all, my own parents had rejected me, and that sting of rejection has been with me all my life. It’s why I only have a few close friends and no real romances to speak of. Being vulnerable scares the shit out of me. If I let someone too close, they’d find out I was flawed and head for the hills. Except in bed. There I excel. Used to excel. I gave men what they wanted, and they kept coming back.
But Lee had seen me in action and he still wasn’t interested in fucking me. Maybe that was the problem. He didn’t want used goods. Or maybe he was afraid he’d come up short. Some men thought it was a competition. I’d been there before. All this speculating was turning me inside out, and it didn’t even matter, because I’d never see him again. Maybe it was better that way. I wasn’t the man I used to be.
Three weeks went by, and I was still thinking about Lee. Then I got a call from Paul.
“Lee is coming back.”
“What? When?”
“This weekend. Do you think we can get a surprise party ready in four days?”
“I, uh…”
“We’ll decorate his apartment. You know, welcome home signs and all that shit. I can spread the word at the studio. The guys will always show up for a party. It shouldn’t be too difficult.”
I got up the nerve to ask the question that was nagging at me. “What if he brings his boyfriend with him? The dude might not be happy about coming home to a crowd of pretty boys.”
“That’s over and done, Casey. He went back for closure.”
My relief was overwhelming. I had to admit I still wanted him. It was the first time in weeks that I’d actually felt desire and anticipation. Not that I expected Lee to jump into bed with me, but it felt good to know my libido wasn’t completely dead. “Okay, tell me how I can help.”
* * *
We heard Lee’s key in the lock and everybody hid. The door opened and Lee flicked the light switch on. Everyone jumped up and yelled. “Surprise!” There was a satisfying moment when Lee’s face appeared blank with confusion. Then he sported a grin from ear to ear.
The guys made a beeline towards him, bombarding him with hugs. I hung back, consumed by my own thoughts, so when he approached and hugged me, it took me by surprise. I was even more surprised when he kissed me. His kiss stole my words, which was a good thing because I couldn’t think straight. I parted my lips and let him slide his tongue in my mouth. I sucked on it, giving him a clue of what I’d like next. He did the same. It was one hell of a kiss and when he finally pulled back, I was breathless.
I stared at him, but I couldn’t read his expression. For once, I was speechless. How dare he disappear for weeks and then kiss me like that? I wanted to make a smartass remark, but I couldn’t think of anything. Then, Paul pulled him away and put a glass of champagne in his hand. I grabbed a glass, too, and drank half of it before Paul made the toast.
“Welcome back, Lee. There’s a time for speech making but this isn’t it. Let’s party!”
“Wait. I want to add something.”
I looked up in surprise. It was Jay Jones, one of the studio heads. Maybe the one who had interviewed Lee for a job.
“I just want to say that I’ve been checking out your resume while you were gone and I like what I see. The job is yours if you want it.”
“I do.” Lee walked over and shook his hand. They chatted while I stewed. What was on that resume that qualified him to shoot porn? Somehow, I couldn’t imagine the anal-retentive Lee filming me fucking.
I walked over to join the conversation. “Congratulations, Lee.” I slapped him on the back. “You know you can make more money on the other side of the camera.”
“I could never measure up to you, Casey.”
“Few men do,” Jay said.
“Well, just make sure you don’t get distracted while you’re shooting my scenes.”
Jay answered. “In all seriousness, I know Lee is a professional. He’ll keep his eye on the lens.”
I wanted to ask how he knew but we were interrupted. The rest of the party went by in a blur. I couldn’t seem to get Lee alone and I drank too much. At one point, I found myself sitting in a corner and watching as if I were a spectator. Not like me at all. I’m usually the life of the party. I decided to leave early. When I slipped out, no one seemed to notice.
Chapter Six
Two days later, I was shocked to get a call from Lee. “Hi, Casey.”
“What’s up?”
“I didn’t get a chance to thank you for the party. When I looked for you, you were already gone.”
“I couldn’t stay. I had plans.”
“Oh. Well, thank you. I appreciate all the effort you guys put in. It was a great welcome back. I feel like I’m home.” So was he staying in LA? I wanted to ask him all kinds of questions, but I held back and let him lead the conversation.
There were a few moments of awkward silence, and then Lee cleared his throat. “Uh, Casey, I’d like to do something for you. Do you still need that photo shoot for your portfolio?”
I’d almost forgotten I’d mentioned it to him. “Yeah, I’ve been too busy to get it done.”
“I’d like to do it for you.”
I wanted to say no. It was my opportunity to brush him off. “Okay. I’m off Saturday.”
“That’s perfect. I don’t start work at the studio for another week. Is four okay? Then we can have dinner.”
“Sounds like a plan.” Inside, my heart was pounding like a sledgehammer.
* * *
I had a few days until the shoot and I worried my way through them wondering why Lee was doing this. At one point, I decided to stand him up but when Saturday rolled around, I went through my beauty routine and showed up his door exactly at four. I even brought a bottle of wine for dinner.
Lee looked adorable. He was wearing cutoff jeans and a T-shirt. It had a picture of a camera and the phrase, I can freeze time, what’s your superpower?
“Fucking.”
Lee’s brow furrowed. “What?”
I pointed to his shirt. “Fucking. That’s my superpower.”
Lee chuckled, slow and warm. “Casey, come in.”
I handed him the wine. “I hope it goes with dinner.”
“It’s perfect.” He gave me a brief bro hug. “How about a drink before we get started?” I nodded and he led me into the kitchen. I sat at the counter and he poured pinot into two wine glasses.
I lifted my glass. “To your new job.”
Lee smiled. “To putting down roots.”
We sipped at our glasses and then Lee asked about Julie. “I missed her at the party.”
“I didn’t invite her. She only knows J
oey and Paul. And you. Mostly I try to keep her out of that part of my life.”
“I understand. Maybe the three of us can do something together, her choice.”
He’d caught me by surprise. I didn’t know what to say. “She’d like that.”
“Great.”
The personal stuff was making me nervous. I wanted to get to work. “So where are we doing the shoot?”
“The spare bedroom is my studio. Come on, I’ll show you.”
The bedroom was painted white and filled with cameras, lighting equipment, stools, and tripods. The backdrop was a large piece of white fabric hanging on a frame made of PVC pipe.
“Nice.”
“It would be great to have a bigger room. Someday…” He sighed. “I already had most of the equipment.”
“What about processing?”
He waved at a computer set up in a corner of the room. “Digital photography revolutionized things but I still like to fool around in a dark room.”
“Personally, I like the lights on.”
Lee smiled. “I love a man with a sense of humor.”
“You make a good straight man.”
“We work well together. Hopefully, we’ll do as well on the photo shoot.”
“Do you actually have a dark room?”
Lee nodded. “I set one up in one of the bathrooms. I like processing and printing my own black-and-white photos.”
“But have you ever photographed porn?”
“I know what I’m doing.” Lee paused for a moment. “What do you want out of this photo session, Casey?”
“Sexy, sensual, sultry. Stuff the studio can use on their website and magazines.”
“Gotcha. But let me ease into the shoot. I’d like to start with something different, something more genuine. I want to photograph the real you.”
“You got it.” I started to take my clothes off.
“Leave your clothes on. I’m doing head shots first.”
“I don’t get it. What could be more real than my bare ass?”
“I want to focus on what’s inside, not on what’s outside.”
“Maybe you should take an x-ray.”
Lee giggled. I smiled too. It made me happy to make him laugh.
“Humor me, Casey. You’re a larger than life personality, but it’s play-acting. I want to see what’s really underneath it all.”
His words irritated me. “I am a real person.”
“Yes, and you have authentic qualities -- humor, spirit and a lust for life -- but I want to see what you’re feeling.”
I wasn’t ready to unmask myself, but it didn’t matter, because I didn’t believe he could see anything like that in a photo. “Okay, let’s get started.”
“Put a stool in front of the backdrop. Get comfortable. Don’t think about the camera. Talk to me.”
I did as Lee asked. “Is this okay? Am I in the right spot?”
“You’re perfect.” Lee fiddled with the camera. “Did I ever tell you how my love affair with cameras started?”
“You’ve never told me anything about yourself.”
“You’re right. That’s my fault. I have trust issues that go way back. Ironically, it all started with cameras.”
I was more than curious about his life, but I kept my mouth shut and let him talk.
“My uncle Bob and I were always close. He was my dad’s brother, but they were very different. My father was a jock, a gym teacher and a coach. My uncle took school portraits, mostly traditional head and shoulder shots of the students. I had more in common with my uncle than my father, and whenever he came to visit, I’d bug him to let me use his camera. He started teaching me about photography and on my seventh birthday, he bought me a camera.”
“You were lucky,” I told him. “My father hated me. I wish I’d had an uncle to take me under his wing.”
Lee went on as if he hadn’t heard me. “Uncle Bob started taking me to his house where he had a home studio set up. Sometimes I stayed overnight. He taught me everything about photography. We started by taking portraits of each other, then nude photos. Then he sucked my cock.”
I was stunned. Of course, I knew that kind of thing went on, but I’d never imagined it happening to Lee. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know. Did you tell anyone?”
“No. He convinced me it was part of the learning process and my parents would never understand. If anyone found out, he’d have to go away and I’d never see him again. My father made me feel inferior. I didn’t want to lose the one person who made me feel competent at something.”
“You were just a kid. How long did it go on?”
“When I was eleven he died of a heart attack. He left me his equipment. I never found the nude photos of us. He must have destroyed them, because they never surfaced.” Lee offered a wry smile. “So you see, my experience goes back a long ways.”
“That’s horrible. I’m sorry you had to go through that.”
“I guess we all go through some bad shit at one time or another.”
“For sure.” I found myself telling him about my childhood. How my parents had forbidden me to be gay, how they regretted having two such imperfect children.
Lee sighed. “Some parents have unrealistic expectations. It doesn’t have to ruin our lives.” Lee walked over to the computer. “Come look at these photos, Casey.”
The first shots were okay, but I looked stiff. Gradually they changed, became warmer, for want of a better word. Then Lee came to one that stirred my emotions. “Stop.”
Lee put a hand on my back. “That’s the one. That’s the real Casey.”
“How?”
“You have a face you show the world, the Casey who is handsome, seductive, cocky, and confident. That’s the Casey you portray on social media, but as a photographer, and a man, I wanted to reveal more. I needed to peel away the layers, to have you drop your guard and stop pretending to be someone you’re not. I thought it would easier for you to open your inner soul to me, if I opened up first.”
“This is amazing. You’re one hell of a photographer, but I can’t put these in my portfolio.”
“These are for me.” Lee brushed his lips over mine. “I always knew you were more than a big dick.”
“Leave the jokes to me.” I paused for a moment. “I’m really glad we let our insecurities and neuroses out of the bag. I always felt there was something standing between us, something keeping us from becoming real friends. Maybe now we can put it to rest.”
“A lot of that was my fault. I was struggling with past baggage. I had to prove something to myself.”
“What?”
“That you weren’t like my ex. He’s a porn actor, too. We met when I started filming him. It progressed from going out to moving in together. Eric played a lot of parts in his films, but I thought when he came home to me, I got the real Eric.”
“But?”
“But I found out that Eric was the same on and off the screen.”
“And what’s the real Eric?”
“A player with a big dick. A man that can’t be trusted. He was cheating on me all along.”
“And you know I’m not like that just by looking at this picture?”
“That’s part of it. I’ve been watching you for a long time and when I saw you with Julie I knew you were one of the good guys. Julie sees the real Casey and she loves him. That’s good enough for me.”
“I’ve been watching you, too.”
“I know.”
The sizzling sexual tension between us was unbearable. I wanted to touch him so badly. I had to restrain myself from ripping Lee’s clothes off. “Are we going to do more than take pictures tonight?”
“One more question. Are you sure I’m not just a challenge? I know you’re not used to having a man turn you down.”
“Maybe in the beginning, but I’ve learned a few things about myself.”
“I’m listening.”
“Sometimes life sucks. I was rejected by people who should have cared about me.
Fucking strangers felt like a safe way to connect. I didn’t have to worry about being rejected again. But along the way it stopped working. I discovered that if there was no connection, I wasn’t interested. Sex isn’t enough anymore. I developed new needs. I don’t pretend to know what love is, but I need more intimacy.”
“I think you know all about love. You love Julie. You’re a loving person, and a lovable person. You just need to feel safe enough to trust again. I’m the same way. Eric let me down so many times, I was broken. I couldn’t let you get close until I trusted you. Do you trust me?”
“Yes.”
“Good, because I wouldn’t have invited you here if all I wanted to do was take pictures.”
“Thank God. Can we fuck now?”
Chapter Seven
Lee kissed me. He held me close and our kisses became deeper and more passionate. I moaned into his mouth, desperate for more. There was no thought of showing Lee how good I was. It was all about feeling, not thinking. It was so unlike me to be out of control, but I didn’t hide it. I wanted Lee to see the real Casey.
Lee led me to his bedroom. Whatever uncertainties we’d had were gone, lost to overwhelming desire. We undressed each other and tossed the clothes to the floor. Neither of us were concerned about being neat. This was the first time I’d seen Lee without his clothes and I was so turned on. His perfect cock got my juices flowing. It was crying out to be touched, and I couldn’t keep my hands off him. I wanted these feelings to last forever.
Lee ran a palm over my chest. Leaning forward, he teased a nipple with his tongue. When it hardened, he moved to the other one. “I want to make you feel good, Casey.” He pushed me toward the bed.
I lay down and stared up at the ceiling, thinking, This is finally happening. Gripping the sheets, I tried to make myself relax. I wanted to make this last. Lee leaned over me and grazed my earlobe with his lips. His breath was warm and he whispered softly in my ear, telling me how beautiful I was, how desirable.
He trailed little kisses over my jaw and down my throat. I turned my head to give him better access. He made me feel as if I was being dominated, and I loved it. Heat curled inside my belly and I whimpered. I felt embarrassed by my needy sounds, but they seemed to spur Lee on.
