by C. P. Santi
“Are you . . . are you starting to care about Cate, Ryo?”
“Aya . . . you don’t really think that, do you?”
“I don’t know what to think, Ryo.” In her mind’s eye, dozens of images flickered like pages of a scrapbook. Ryo arriving in Delft . . . having dinner with his tutor . . . smiling as they strolled along the canals. At more parties . . . in class . . . always smiling . . . and always beside each other.
“Aya, she’s just my tutor. She’s been helping me settle in. You know how it is.”
Sure. Aya knew exactly what it meant to have a tutor. To have a person guide and care for you during those early months when you were uncertain and vulnerable. After all, she had managed to fall in love with her tutor.
Oh, dear lord, she was in love with Ryo. This wasn’t supposed to happen.
“I’m not going to beg you to believe me, Aya-chan. It’s either you trust me or you don’t.” Sighing, he ran a hand through his messy hair. “I can’t control what other people post on social media. And if you don’t like that, then—”
“Yes, maybe it’s better if we took a step back.”
“Chotto matte. What?”
“Maybe . . . maybe we’re not ready for this yet. Maybe it’s not the right time.”
“There’s never a wrong or right time, Aya. It’s simply a matter of wanting to make it work or not.”
“Ryo, I’m sorry. It’s not that I don’t trust you . . .” It was just logical—proximity breeds familiarity. Why shouldn’t it happen to Ryo?
And frankly, she couldn’t imagine anyone not falling in love with Ryo. He was everything Aya had never known she needed.
“But it is.” His frustration was apparent. “All or nothing, Aya. Or else, what’s the point of all this?”
“I don’t know . . . ”
“Fine.”
Fine. Fine? Wait, he wasn’t supposed to agree with her. The word was like a slap in the face. It managed to prod Aya out of her self-imposed misery.
Holy crap, what the hell am I doing?
It was one of those moments when you realized that a situation had snowballed out of control. Tempers were high. Rash decisions were made. You realized that damage control was needed, but you didn’t know how to go about it.
“Ryo—”
“No, you’re right. Maybe we should take a step back to reassess where things stand.”
“No! Ryo, wait.”
“Why wait when you’ve got it all figured out in your head?” He sounded weary. “Ne, I’ve got to go. We’ve been working hard this week and I need to rest. Sayonara, Aya.”
As the screen went blank, Aya’s vision blurred. What had just happened?
How the hell had she managed to make such a mess of things?
+ + +
Aya wallowed in her misery for a couple of weeks. Most of the time, she stayed in her room, eating ice cream and watching animes whose plots she could never remember afterwards.
Thankfully, her friends were too busy to check up on her. April was in Iwate for training and Reggie was on a research trip in Gunma. Yumi and Kit kept sending her messages, asking how she was, but she managed to ignore those too.
She had gone to the lab and told them how the presentation went. And if her professor wondered why she wasn’t happy, he had the sense not to ask. She stared off into space and walked around like a zombie. The lab and the campus seemed to be filled with memories of Ryo.
It was even worse than when he had first gone. Even then, deep inside, she’d had a tiny ray of hope. Now, she had nothing. Why had she chosen that moment to transform into a psychotic green-eyed monster? She could have asked him calmly—but no—she had gone all-out, Super Saiyan. No wonder he wasn’t answering her messages.
She’d never felt such despair before—not even with Adrian. But then, she hadn’t cared for Adrian as much as she’d come to care for Ryo.
She sat on a bench that bordered Sanshiro Pond in the middle of the campus. The towering trees that edged the pond were already changing color. Mothers and little children stood on rocks in the shallows, feeding crumbs to the koi, some turtles, and a lone goose that hooted resentfully.
The bench Aya was sitting on was off the usual path. That’s why she was surprised when she heard someone calling her.
“Aya? Are you all right?”
Wiping her tears, Aya turned and froze. It was Hazel. Aya had known that Hazel attended the same university, but her lab was in a different campus, so their paths had never crossed. Until today. “Oh, hi. I’m okay. I was just . . .”
“You aren’t okay. You’re crying.” Hazel rummaged in her bag and handed Aya a pack of tissues.
“Thanks.” Aya wiped her cheeks and blew her nose.
Hazel sat down on the bench beside her. “I know it’s truly presumptuous to ask, but do you want to talk about it?”
The sound that erupted from Aya’s mouth was a cross between a laugh and a sob. Then suddenly, she found herself asking, “How can you trust him? How can you be sure he won’t break your heart? How do you know he’ll be faithful?”
She was asking about Adrian, but they both knew she was thinking about someone else entirely.
Hazel shook her head. “You never really know, do you? You never really know what’s going to happen.”
“But why take the chance?”
Hazel looked her in the eyes. “Because deep down, you want to believe in something. Because if you settle, you’re just deceiving yourself, aren’t you? And it’s never really fair to the other person.”
While Aya contemplated this, Hazel turned to stare at the placid water. She gave a sudden bark of laughter. “You know, I never thought this would happen to me. That I’d have this kind of conversation.” At Aya’s curious glance, she explained, “A few years ago, I was engaged to my high school sweetheart. Then two months before the wedding, he broke up with me. He had gotten my cousin pregnant.” She smiled ruefully at Aya’s gasp. “Ever since then, I’ve been a little low on trust.”
She and Aya watched as a group of young children raced over the concrete bridge that served as a shortcut.
As their happy shouts faded, Hazel continued. “It hurt, you know? It really did. And the last thing I ever wanted was to inflict the same pain on someone else.”
She shifted in her seat until she was facing Aya. “Adrian and I . . . we tried. We tried our best not to feel. We tried to avoid what was staring us in the face . . . because of you. He really loved you.
“In the end, we decided to take a step back—to go home and think about what was really important to us. And when he came back . . . he was free.
“We didn’t mean to hurt you, Aya.” Hazel shook her head. “I know we did, and I’m not saying all the hurt you went through was nothing. But everything happens for a reason. And maybe . . . maybe the reason is the person you’re crying over right now.”
+ + +
“Hai!” Aya shouted in response to the incessant buzz of her doorbell.
Rousing herself from her bed, she glanced at her alarm clock. One o’clock in the afternoon. She’d overslept again and the weekend was wasting away. Stifling a yawn, she padded to the door and opened it.
“Adrian?”
She saw him take in her messy hair, baggy sweatshirt, and faded leggings. “Hey. Can I come in?”
Aya shrugged and opened the door wider. She sat on her unmade bed and watched as Adrian moved a half-eaten bento from the chair to the desk. “What’s up?”
“Hazel told me that you guys talked.” He shook his head when he saw her expression. “Don’t worry, she didn’t tell me a thing. But she did say she thought you needed a friend right now. So, here.”
She took the paper bag Adrian offered. It contained a coffee and a bagel. She couldn't help the chuckle that escaped from her. “It’s still hot.”
“I’m hoping you won’t feel the urge to throw it at me this time.”
“We’ll see.”
“Aya, I just want to apologize fo
r what I said the last time we talked. You’re right—what you do is none of my business.” He shook his head. “I apologize because I should’ve known better. After all, I know you. And I know that you don’t treat relationships casually.”
You’d be surprised, Aya thought. Instead, she nodded. “Apology accepted. And . . . and I’m sorry too. For throwing coffee at you, I mean.”
“I guess I deserved it.”
“You did.”
They smiled at each other.
“So, now that we’ve sorted that out, can I ask you something?” At Aya’s nod, he gestured toward her outfit. “What’s been bothering you?”
“Nothing.”
“Aya. Is this about Ryo? Are you . . . pregnant?”
“There’s still some coffee, and it’s still quite hot.” Aya held up the cup in her hand as a warning. But after a minute, she sighed. “I’m not pregnant. And Ryo is gone.”
“What do you mean gone?”
“He went abroad. He had a grant to study in Delft.”
Adrian whistled. “Wow, that’s tough. You guys just got together and now you have to adjust to being apart.”
“I . . . we aren’t together anymore. It wouldn’t have worked out anyway.”
“So you broke up with him.” Adrian shook his head regretfully. “Oh Aya, I’m sorry. Did I do this? I made you afraid to trust again.”
“No, it’s not that.”
“It is. I saw you Aya. You were happy with him. Really happy. He even convinced you to ride a bicycle.”
“How did you—?”
“Hazel and I were at the library that day and we saw you.” He rocked back in his chair, seeming to search for words. Finally, he leaned forward. “Remember when we vacationed in Boracay? Everyone explored the island on a bicycle. Except you.”
“I didn’t know how!”
“I offered to teach you, remember? But you were afraid you’d get hurt.”
Aya nodded. “You were so bummed that we were stuck on the beach the whole day.”
“Yup. No amount of begging could get you on that bicycle. But now, you can ride, can’t you?”
“Well, yes. But—”
Adrian cut off her excuses. “But you tried. For him.”
“Adrian . . .”
“Aya, I’m really sorry we didn’t work out, but that doesn’t mean you and Ryo won’t as well.” Adrian waited until Aya met his eyes. “You trusted him, Aya. Trust him a little bit more. We were together for almost six years, but not once did you allow me to put you on something that had less than four wheels.”
“Not true. We did a calesa ride once. That had two.”
“Malaya.”
“Ok, fine.” She threw her hands up in defeat.
“And we never fought.”
“We did too!” Aya frowned. Didn’t they? “I threw coffee at you!”
“Well yes, but you never threatened to cut my fingers off and boil them in vinegar.”
Aya laughed, remembering what she had threatened to do to Ryo. “Oh gosh, I didn’t realize how loud I was being at that time.”
“Exactly. Whenever we had disagreements, you never raised your voice at me. You never changed your mind either.” Adrian shook his head. “I think I spoiled you by always letting you get your way. I guess I was too afraid you’d break up with me that I let you do most anything you wanted. Even if I didn’t agree.”
“Oh, Adrian. I’m sorry. Was I really such a brat?”
“Sometimes. But you were my beautiful brat and I loved you.” He ducked his head and fidgeted with the lanyard around his neck. “But I realized that I really wasn’t myself with you. I was always too cautious, trying to be perfect for you. That’s not the way relationships should be. Relationships aren’t only about the good things, they’re also about difficult and ugly things, too.”
Didn’t she know it.
“I loved you, Aya, and I’m sorry I hurt you. But you can’t go on like this. Everything happens for a reason. It’s all a matter of perspective.” He leaned forward and reached out his hand. “So . . . friends?”
For a brief second, Aya hesitated. But she decided if she was truly turning over a new leaf, then, perhaps, this was the first step.
Reaching out, she agreed to a truce. “Friends.”
Chapter 23
After Adrian left, Aya curled up in her bed. Everybody was essentially telling her the same thing. And in her heart, she knew they were right.
What was holding her back?
Was it pride? Aya snorted as she looked down at her disheveled state. She didn’t think she cared much about that anymore.
Was it fear of getting hurt? But she was already hurting.
What if she’d already lost him?
The thought galvanized her into action. What should she do? Where should she start? Think, Malaya. She needed a plan. Snatching up her phone, she dialed.
“Hello?” The person at the other end of the line answered.
“Ate, I need your help.”
“About damn time, Malaya. Let’s get to work.”
+ + +
Aya stuck her hands in her winter coat as she waited for the train to arrive at the station.
The past few weeks had been busy. With her sisters’ help, she had devised a plan to get Ryo back. The first stage had involved baking an amazing amount of cookies that had been lovingly packed and shipped to Delft. Aya was hoping that six-dozen cookies would make a bit of a dent in the wall of silence that Ryo had erected between them. Closely counting the days until the cookies arrived, Aya prepared for the second and third stages of the plan. She sighed, as she remembered how unsuccessful the second part of their plan had been. She had tried contacting Ryo, but though she had called and sent messages through every social media channel available, there hadn’t been any response.
Perseverance is the key, her mother had told Aya. Annacris’s consent had been crucial for the third stage of the plan. Because if Aya’s mother didn’t cooperate, Ramon would go completely ballistic when he learned that his daughter wasn’t going home for Christmas.
Instead, she was going to the Netherlands.
And if that didn’t work . . . Aya mentally shook her head. It had to work. But on the off chance that it didn’t . . . she would think of something else.
All or nothing.
Aya boarded the train when it arrived. Sitting in one of the padded seats, she sighed thankfully at the warm air blowing out from the vents near her legs. It would be colder in Europe, she knew. But it didn’t matter. She’d go to the Artic if it meant getting Ryo back.
Looking out the window, she gazed at the darkening sky. It was only five in the afternoon, but dusk was arriving earlier than usual. She wished she were on a plane now, instead of on a train. She wished she were on her way to Ryo. That would make her birthday the next day the most perfect ever.
But no, this was the real world and she had commitments to take care of before she could leave. Yesterday, she took the midterms of her advanced language class. And today, she had to attend the compe award ceremonies at Suntory Museum. Suntory had allotted ten seats for each team, so Aya had invited her professor, Kyoko, Dei, Matsuura, and some of their other lab mates to accompany her. She smiled when she remembered how Dei and Matsuura’s eyes had lit up at the mention of free food.
But still, she wished Ryo were there with her.
No matter. In eight days, she’d be on her way to him.
Ramon was understandably alarmed at the thought of her traveling alone. To placate her father, Ate Yumi had prevailed upon her contacts. So when Aya arrived in Amsterdam next week, she would be well taken care of. As well as a former beauty queen (and now, actress) could manage.
“See?” Yumi proudly waved the signature beauty queen wave. “The World Peace Network is really useful.”
To pass the time on the train, she idly scrolled through her phone. Kit had just uploaded her OOTD. April posted pictures of her recent trip to Iwate and Reggie’s page was filled with d
ifferent varieties of strawberries.
The train halted at a station where Aya was supposed to transfer to another line. People started disembarking, but Aya sat, frozen in her seat.
Ryo had been tagged in another picture. He was in what looked like a cafeteria. He wore a big smile and a fuzzy Santa hat sat on his head. And he had two women sitting on his lap. It was Cate and her friend again.
Aya gulped. Standing on shaky legs, she exited the train. Blindly, she followed the crowd as they left the station. She went down the steps, into another station, automatically using her train pass and sinking into an empty seat once the train had arrived.
Closing her eyes, she told herself, have a little faith, Aya. Trust him.
But what if she was already too late?
No. She wouldn’t allow herself to get carried away again. Unless Ryo told her to her face that they were through, she would hope.
And trust that he still cared.
Disembarking at Roppongi, Aya navigated the underground walkway that connected to the museum. Checking her watch, she saw that she was just in time. The invitation indicated a cocktail reception would be held first to allow the twenty finalists and Suntory executives to mingle. The formal awarding would then commence and would be followed by a buffet dinner.
After showing her invitation at the door, she checked her coat at reception. A quick visit to the powder room assured her that she was presentable. The black shift dress fit to perfection and the wine-red velvet jacket was both formal and jaunty. Both were Kit’s own design.
Aya smiled at her reflection, having a fashion designer in the family had its benefits.
After she exited the powder room, she took the elevator to the sixth floor. As she alighted from the lift, Aya was surprised to see Dei and Matsuura waiting for her.
“Konbanwa.” She greeted them with a slight bow. “You guys are early. Is everybody already here?”
“Aya-san. You’re here.” Looking relieved, Dei quickly approached.
