Believe me, Evelyn’s nose is out of joint and she’s out for revenge. One of the tabloids has offered her a lot of money to tell her story. If she decides to talk, a lot of skeletons will come tumbling out of the closet. That’s not good when you’re supposed to be an up-and-coming advice man. I’d advise you to pay Evelyn before the tabloids do.
Call me now! I think your phone must be broken. It did nothing but ring. Your folksy image is getting on my nerves. Get an answering machine and a cell phone and a computer and a fax. Please!!!! I need to be able to communicate with you.
Evelyn said that if she doesn’t hear from you by Tuesday of this week, then she’ll give the tabloid interview. She plans to tell the world what a hypocrite you are. As she puts it, capital H.
I’m sorry to be the messenger. They’re always the ones who get shot.
Sincerely,
Brenda Nickles, Attorney at Law
P.S. This is my first case, and I promised my client satisfaction.
“Oh, my God, Shep!” Maddy cried, knocking over her glass of red wine. Wine seeped all over the letter. “Oh, my God!” she cried again as she dabbed at the letter with her cocktail napkin. She jumped up and grabbed napkins off an empty table. It was hopeless. The white letter was now a deep shade of magenta.
“I knew something like this would happen,” Shep declared testily. “Why can’t you learn to mind your own business?”
“We’ve got to get that mail to Agony and Heartburn right away! They’re in trouble, and it may ruin Danny’s show!”
Shep downed his beer, got up, walked over to the bar, and signed for the check. They hurried out the door, took the elevator to the third floor, and raced to their room. “What did the letter say?” he asked as he unlocked the door.
Before she could answer, Maddy screamed. The sack of mail was gone.
28
H oney and Lucille drove up and down the Strip. There was a lot of traffic. It was Vegas and things felt alive. The neon lights were flashing and the night was young.
“Where do you want to go now?” Lucille asked as she drove past the neon-lit casinos—Mandalay Bay, New York-New York, the Bellagio. It was not going to be an easy evening, she realized. But Honey was her friend, and this was what friends did for each other. Get them through their crazy times.
Honey stared out the window. Tears glistened in her eyes. She knew she looked adorable. It was one of those nights when Danny would have said, “Baby, you’re the cutest girl in town. I love having you by my side.”
“I don’t know,” she squeaked, blinking back tears.
Lucille made a quick right turn.
“Where are we going?” Honey asked.
“The Fuzzy Dice.”
“But what will I do?” Honey implored.
“Listen, all Danny cares about right now is his show. I think the hotel receptionist you spoke to had a great idea. Go in and tell Danny you have a plan to make Love Above Sea Level a success. Explain that if these couples are promising to love each other forever, then they should look good. And they have to look really good if he expects anyone to watch his show. Tell him you’ll get a hairdresser and a makeup artist in to make over the ladies this week and that it will add to the appeal of the show. That he’ll like.”
“You think so?”
“Definitely,” Lucille lied. “They probably don’t know what they’re doing from day to day anyway. That’s what these reality shows are like. They make everything up as they go along and hope something exciting will happen.”
As they pulled up to the hotel, Honey got nervous. She had been so full of vim and vigor back at her apartment. But ever since Danny hung up on her, she felt deflated. Now her courage was waning.
“He’ll think I’m a stalker,” Honey protested.
“He probably does already,” Lucille declared. “We’ll go in and sit at the lobby bar and have a drink. We’ll spot Danny. He has to pass through the lobby at some point.”
Lucille parked the car, and they both opened their doors to get out. A car sped into the parking lot and zipped into a spot two spaces from Lucille’s car.
“Come on, Shep, let’s move,” the woman emerging from the car yelled. “We’ve got to explain everything to Danny.”
“How are we going to explain the fact that you read Agony and Heartburn’s mail and then spilled wine all over it?” he growled in a loud voice. “I told you it’s illegal.”
“Well, the important thing is that Heartburn pay his ex-wife her alimony. He’d better not ruin this show for Danny. That’s all I can say.”
“If anybody finds out about this…” Shep cautioned. “A lot of people will have big troubles.”
It was the moment Honey had been waiting for ever since she had met Danny’s mother. The woman was a viper, and Honey finally had the goods on her. Honey stepped out from the shadows as Shep and Maddy were about to pass Lucille’s car. “Hello, Mrs. Madley. Hello, Mr. Madley. How on earth have you been?”
29
“L ast call,” Danny yelled jokingly as he prepared to address his crew.
“Make mine a double,” Aunt Agony called out.
“You’re cut off!”
Everyone laughed heartily. It seemed to Regan that the contestants were trying their best to put up a jovial front despite their competitiveness.
“Now, as you all know, this week was meant to be unpredictable,” Danny began. “We told you that you wouldn’t know what you’d be doing from one day to the next. Tonight two couples will have the evening free. One couple will accompany Heartburn and Agony on a special date.”
“How do you decide who gets to go?” Suzette interrupted in a confrontational tone.
Elsa and Barney’s good fortune today is really getting to her, Regan decided.
“Hold your horses,” Danny joked. “Let me explain. Tomorrow night we’re going to Roscoe’s for dinner. Wednesday and Thursday nights the two remaining couples will have their special evening with Agony and Heartburn. Right now we’re going to pull one couple’s name out of a hat.”
“Drum roll, please,” Victor quipped as he came forward with a baseball cap.
“Uncle Heartburn, please draw the lucky couple’s name,” Danny requested.
“Fine by me,” Agony declared. “What’s his is mine, and what’s mine is his. It’s the secret of a good relationship. We’re soul mates, you know. We never go to bed angry. We make up first, then go into the bedroom and reach for the stars.”
Way too much information, Regan thought. I think Agony copped a buzz. She wasn’t kidding about that double.
Heartburn smiled at the group. “I’ll close my eyes so no one can say I’m cheating.” He squeezed his eyes shut and reached into the baseball cap. There were three pieces of paper in there. He picked up all three and let them drop back into the hat, in a dramatic gesture. He did it again. Then he pulled one piece of paper out. “Would you like me to reveal the name of the first couple?”
“Go ahead,” Danny instructed.
Uncle Heartburn unfolded the paper and paused. “Vicky and Chip, are you ready to come on a dream date with us?”
“We are!” they exclaimed.
Thank God it wasn’t Barney and Elsa, Regan thought, glancing around the room. She was anxious to get to the 7’s Heaven Hotel. Then she’d catch up with Danny and the dream date crew. Something told her it was going to be a long night.
30
I n the Fuzzy Dice Hotel parking lot, Maddy and Shep jumped back, startled, to say the least, by the sudden emergence of Danny’s old friend.
“Missy!” Maddy exclaimed.
“My name is Honey.”
“Of course. Honey.”
“Let me introduce you to a dear friend of mine. Lucille, say hello to Danny’s parents, Shep and Maddy Madley.”
Lucille stepped around from the driver’s side of the car. “I’ve heard so much about you from Honey.”
Maddy looked at her suspiciously. She knew it couldn’t have been good.
/>
“I was surprised to hear you read Agony and Heartburn’s mail, Mrs. Madley,” Lucille continued. “That is against the law, isn’t it?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“And Heartburn owes his ex-wife money. Not good karma for an advice columnist. I’m sure the local press would love to hear about that and the story of Danny Madley’s mother rifling through—”
“What do you want from me?” Maddy practically spat at her.
“Well, since you asked…” Lucille smiled at her. “My friend Honey here would really like to help Danny with his reality show. But because of a little mistake she made, which she now deeply regrets, he won’t talk to her. I think you can intervene. What I want is for you to march in there and tell your son that Honey will arrange for makeovers for the contestants. Her hairdresser and makeup artist would love the publicity.”
“Are you crazy?” Maddy looked at her, seething.
“Lucille,” Honey fretted. “I don’t know whether—”
“Honey,” Lucille said with more determination than she felt, “either this woman helps you or I call the press. I’ve made up my mind.” Lucille knew she was pushing things, but this was Honey’s only chance. What the heck did Lucille care if this woman liked her or not? Maddy Madley was never going to be her mother-in-law, praise the Lord.
“To think,” Shep muttered to himself, “this morning I was sitting peacefully in my den, reading the paper and minding my own business.”
“Shep!” Maddy hissed. “You’re not helping things.”
“As they say in this town,” Lucille challenged, “are you in or are you out?”
“I’m in!” Maddy yelled. “I’m in! I’m in! I’m in!”
“Good. Let’s go talk to Danny. I warn you, I have my cell phone right here. The gossip columnists would just love to hear about this.”
The foursome walked toward the front door of the Fuzzy Dice Hotel. Lucille turned and winked at Honey.
It’s a dream come true, Honey thought. Holding a guillotine over your boyfriend’s mother’s neck. I can hardly stand it. I just hope Lucille’s scheme works.
They asked at the reception desk where Danny’s group was and were directed down the hall to the recreation lounge.
“Mrs. Madley,” Lucille said, “or may I call you Mad?”
“Maddy or Madeline,” she replied curtly.
“I think it’s best if Honey and I wait here in the reception area. We don’t want to overwhelm Danny. Now be sure to stress all of Honey’s good qualities to your beloved son.”
Shep looked as if he wanted to go through the floor. Nonetheless, he led his wife down the hallway. They paused at the door to the lounge and peered through the window just as the cameraman turned his light off. Maddy knocked and waved. The expression on Danny’s face when he saw her was utter disbelief. He rushed to the door and opened it. “Mom, Dad, what are you doing here?”
Maddy grabbed him and kissed both his cheeks. “Darling. I’ve been so worried about you.”
“Why?”
“I just have.”
Shep shook Danny’s hand.
“Dad, what’s going on? Is Regina okay?”
“She’s fine, just fine.”
“Good. I’m kind of busy at the moment. Can I call you later? Where are you staying?”
“We have to talk to you now.”
“Now?”
“Yes. Right now.”
“Okay.” Danny turned around. “Hey, everybody. Those of you who are going to dinner—be in the lobby in fifteen minutes. The rest of you we’ll see in the morning. Regan, come on over and say hello.”
Maddy nearly died. To think that that floozy was waiting in the lobby and Danny was with Regan Reilly. It would be so wonderful if she and Danny fell in love.
“Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Madley,” Regan said as Maddy grabbed her and kissed her.
“You look so wonderful, Regan,” Maddy gushed. “Look at you. You’re still single?”
“Yes, I am, but—”
“Mom,” Danny interrupted.
“I’m sorry, dear. It’s just I remember the two of you in school together.”
“Hello, Regan. It’s been a long time,” Shep observed.
“That it has.” Regan laughed. “Hard to believe how long.”
“Mom, you’re sweating. Are you all right?” Danny asked with concern.
“To tell you the truth, no. I need to talk to you, Danny. If you could excuse us, Regan. I hope we’ll see you later.”
“How long will you be around?” Regan asked.
“Several days.”
“Then I’m sure I’ll see you again. Danny, I’ll take off now. I’ll call your cell phone and catch up with you in an hour or two.”
“That’s great, Regan.”
The three of them watched her walk down the hall.
“Such a lovely girl,” Maddy noted sadly. She turned to Danny. “Where can we talk privately?”
“Come up to my suite.”
They went up a back elevator and were soon seated in Danny’s living room.
“You have me a little nervous,” Danny admitted. “What’s up?”
Shep and Maddy looked at each other. “It’s your story,” Shep sighed to his wife.
Maddy cleared her throat. “This morning Jackie De Tour called and told me her son Alfie looked up some website that had terrible things printed about your contestants.”
“I know all about that, Mom.” Danny interrupted impatiently.
“Well, I was worried and I said to your father that we should come up here and be with you.”
Danny frowned. “Mom, that’s nice, but I’m fine. Regan is here to help me out. We just have to keep moving forward with the show and—”
“I’m not finished.”
“Uh-oh.”
“Uh-oh is right,” Shep muttered.
“So we got in the car and on the way we stopped at Aunt Agony and Uncle Heartburn’s cafe.”
“It’s on the way,” Danny affirmed.
“The waitress gave us a sack of their mail to deliver to them. Apparently, Agony has insomnia and likes to get stuff done at night.”
“What happened?” Danny asked quickly.
“Well, we checked in to the 7’s Heaven Hotel and went for a drink at the bar, and when we got back to the room, the sack of mail was gone.”
“Are you kidding? Did you report it to hotel security?”
“Not yet.”
“Not yet! Why not?”
“Your mother left out an important part of the story,” Shep remarked dryly. “Something that made her frantic when the sack of mail was discovered missing.”
“Mom, what did you leave out?”
Maddy closed her eyes and leaned her head back as if in pain.
“Enough drama, Mom. What happened?”
“I had taken out one letter from a lawyer. I read it in the bar and accidentally spilled wine all over it.”
“What?” Danny squealed.
“Now the rest of the mail is missing, and we have a soggy letter that demands Uncle Heartburn pay alimony to his ex-wife or else she’ll expose him as a fraud. The tabloids are very interested,” Shep finished.
Danny jumped out of his chair. “Mom, how could you?”
“It’ll never happen again,” Maddy promised.
“Of course it won’t happen again! How could it?” Danny picked up the phone and asked to be connected to Agony and Heartburn’s room.
“What are you doing?” Maddy cried.
“We have to tell them.”
‘Ewwwww,” Maddy wailed. “I’ll never gossip again.”
Shep rolled his eyes. “Promises, promises.”
“Agony, can you and Heartburn come up to my room, please? It’s important. Thanks.” He hung up. “Now, before they get here. Is there anything else I need to know?”
Maddy wiggled her index finger. “Just one little thing.”
31
“I ’ve got
my car,” Pilot Pete told James. “Why don’t we take a drive?”
“A drive? Where to?”
“There have to be some good bars down the road. I feel like going to a quiet place, away from all the hubbub.”
“Ohhh, I know what you mean,” James acknowledged. “This has been one hectic day.” He stroked his little goatee.
They got into Pete’s Saab and drove off.
“How long have you been an actor?” James asked Pete.
“About fifteen years. And you?”
“I took my first acting class last year.”
Pete almost lost control of the car. “Last year?”
James smiled. “I couldn’t believe I got this job.”
“It is unbelievable,” Pete agreed.
“It’s my first paid acting job.”
He deserves to be killed, Pete decided. “Your first?”
James smiled. “Yup.”
“Are you a member of the Screen Actor’s Guild?”
“Now I am! Roscoe said that I was the only actor he could find who could play the part the way I could. So I got into SAG!”
“How did you get the audition in the first place?”
“My acting teacher told me about it.”
“Who do you study with?”
“Darby Woodsloe.”
“Never heard of him.”
“Her.”
“Her, then. Where is her class?”
“At her house in Venice Beach. Sometimes we just ran up and down the beach, at one with the waves.”
Pete tightened his grip on the steering wheel. “Sounds great. Do you have a regular job?”
“Oh, yes. I just got the week off so I could come here and do the show. If we get picked, I’ll quit.”
“What do you do?”
“I’m a dog walker every morning. Then I go to the mall and hand out pamphlets for the department stores. You’d be amazed at how many products are on sale these days. I get to meet a lot of interesting people. And I’m learning how to really observe all their different physicalities so I can be specific when I play all sorts of different characters. They say it’s important to be specific when you’re an actor. Did you know that?”
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