“Getting up at two in the morning will do that to you. But I’ll be fine,” Regan insisted.
A few minutes later Danny came over. “Remember me?” he asked Luke and Nora jokingly as he was introduced to Harry and Linda.
“I remember you,” Nora said fondly. “How are your parents?”
“The same,” Danny answered with a smile.
Luke shook his hand. “Give them our best.”
Victor called over to Danny. “We’re getting started. They want us to go up first.”
“Okay.”
“Regan, be careful,” Nora urged as Danny’s group moved closer to the balloon. The fan was on, and a powerful stream of air was being pumped into the wedding cake. It was incredible to watch the balloon begin to take shape and slowly come to life. The crew members were in their positions, holding ropes on either side of the envelope to help spread it out evenly while inflating. Finally, Randy used the blast valve on the burner, and a column of flame shot twenty feet in the air and into the balloon. Fully inflated, the wedding cake stood eight stories high. The balloon was covered with roses, and a formal bride and groom stood on top. It was ready for action.
One by one the passengers were helped into the basket. The three female contestants now had on sneakers with their cocktail dresses. Sam was getting a shot of their feet. Once inside the basket, Regan looked over at Nora, who was trying to smile but had that worried look on her face. As ordered by Randy, one by one the crew let go of the basket, and the cake started to rise. It seemed as though all eyes at the fiesta were on them.
This really is a kick, Regan marveled as she looked down. Throngs of people were waving up at them and smiling. Some were taking pictures. Other balloons were getting ready to lift off. Within seconds the people below looked smaller and smaller as the balloon floated higher and higher into the air.
Moving like a cloud, they were all silent. For most of them, this was their first time in a balloon. There was no question it was a magical feeling they were all experiencing. Even if there was a lot of tension in the group.
“Here we are,” Agony said as they drifted along. Regan was standing next to her. Sam was focusing the camera on Agony.
“That’s right,” Danny chimed in. “Here we are. And I think it’s about that time.”
Agony looked at Heartburn for dramatic effect. She pulled a check out of the pocket of her old-fashioned granny dress. The check was folded in half. She held it up. Regan glanced at the three couples, all of whom couldn’t take their eyes off the check. “Heartburn and I had a very rough decision to make,” Agony continued. “All three couples here have worked very hard to rekindle the spark they once felt. Sometimes life can get a little boring, and when it does, we may think our mate is boring. That’s a mistake—most of the time, I hope.” She laughed lightly. “We have to work to keep the spark burning, just like our pilot here has to know when to spark the flames to keep this balloon going—”
“Agony, this is only a half hour show,” Danny joked.
Everyone laughed nervously as they climbed higher and higher.
Regan looked down and was startled to see how far away the ground looked.
“Okay, okay. Well, Heartburn and I have decided that the couple who has not only worked hard to make their marriage work but who has seemed destined to stay together no matter what happens to them are none other than”—she opened the check, paused, looked at them all, made sure she was looking straight at the camera, and then dramatically announced—“Barney and Elsa Schmidt.”
Regan turned to look at Barney and Elsa to congratulate them. The next few moments went by in a blur. Suzette’s body stiffened, and she charged toward Agony with a fire in her eyes that looked like it was from one of the bulls running in Pamplona.
“No!” Suzette screamed. In an instant she lifted Agony up in the air by her ankles, as if she were giving a boost to a fellow cheerleader, and started to throw her into a back flip over the side of the balloon basket. Agony howled as her tiny body went flying backward. Regan lunged forward and caught Agony’s knees before she went completely overboard. Dangling out of the basket, Agony screamed bloody murder as Regan struggled to get a good grip and hang onto her.
“Aaaaghhhhhhh,” Agony cried, her arms flailing. The check fluttered from her hand and drifted earthward. Danny and Heartburn wrestled Suzette to the floor as Regan used all her strength to hold onto Agony’s skinny legs. Suzette was still struggling violently, still trying to get to Agony. Bill was in shock, unable to move. Victor and Chip surged forward, and the balloon tilted on its side. Victor positioned himself behind Regan, who was hanging over the basket. Regan felt as if she were straining every muscle in her body. Victor reached over the basket and managed to grab one of Agony’s arms. Together, he and Regan pulled her to safety as they fell back into the basket. As they did so, Agony’s left elbow socked Regan squarely in the eye.
“Back to your places!” Randy screamed. “If this burner gets lopsided, it’ll burn a hole in the mouth of the balloon.”
“I knew you were going to pick them!” Suzette screamed. “We never had a chance!”
“Emergency landing! Emergency landing!” Alice Jupiter radioed to the chase crew. “Notify the police.”
“Are you crazy?” Bill suddenly started screaming at Suzette, whose arms were being held behind her back by Danny and Victor.
Agony dissolved into Regan’s arms and was shivering violently. She wouldn’t let go of Regan, even to be held by Heartburn. Regan thought she felt like a little bird.
“You saved my life, Regan.” Agony’s breath came in short, harsh gasps.
“You’re okay now,” Regan assured her. She blinked and could feel her eye closing from the impact of the blow. Regan’s heart was beating rapidly.
Randy started to bring the balloon down as Suzette sceamed uncontrollably.
Everyone was in absolute shock as they clung to the sides of the basket.
“Bend your knees everyone,” Randy ordered. “And hang on while we land.”
Danny and Victor had to let go of Suzette. When the basket hit the ground and tumbled on its side, not far downfield from where they took off, Suzette hurriedly crawled out and took off. Regan crawled out, ran after her, and tackled her to the ground.
Screaming like a madwoman, Suzette pushed Regan off and started to get up. Regan lunged for her and managed to tackle her again, then dug her knees into Suzette’s back. With all her might, Regan struggled to keep the crazy cheerleader down on the ground.
A police car pulled onto the field, sirens blaring and lights flashing. The officers jumped out and cuffed Suzette as Danny ran to help Regan to her feet.
As Regan tried to catch her breath, she put her hand up over her eye, which was throbbing. “I think we now know which contestant has the violent tendencies,” she deadpanned.
“I think it’s a safe bet.” Danny’s voice was shaky.
Nora and Luke and Harry and Linda came running toward them.
“Regan!” Nora cried.
“Mom, I’m okay.”
“I had a bad feeling about this…” Nora hugged Regan tightly. “Then when I saw that basket tipping like that…”
Bill was crying, talking to one of the officers, as Suzette was ushered into the back of the police car. “She didn’t mean to hurt anyone. She’s just very competitive. It dates back to her first cheerleading competition.”
“At least Agony and Heartburn didn’t pick those two. That definitely would have been the wrong choice,” Regan said, still struggling to catch her breath. “But I bet dollars to doughnuts they turn up on another reality show.”
“Regan. Your father and I are going back to Vegas with you,” Nora said emphatically. “We’ll fly home from there tonight or tomorrow. Right now I can’t let you out of my sight.”
“Sure,” Regan agreed, happy to have the company. She laughed wryly. “And two seats just opened up on the plane.”
67
O n the plane r
ide back to Vegas, Regan held an ice pack to her eye, which was slowly starting to bruise. Aunt Agony kept coming over to fuss. She wanted to sit next to Regan, but Nora wasn’t about to give up that spot. Nora was staying close to her only child. The image of that tilting balloon and a figure hanging out of it was still too fresh in her mind. Luke was across the aisle, watching his wife and daughter with concern.
Suzette’s meltdown was all anyone was talking about.
“I’m just grateful we didn’t give her the million bucks,” Agony said. “We might never have known what a nut she is.”
“Now we know,” Regan replied. “And at least she’s safely behind bars before she really hurts somebody. People with violent tempers explode eventually,” she muttered as she adjusted the ice pack.
“Like the website warned us,” Danny commented.
Danny had phoned ahead to inform Roscoe what happened. The story had already made the local morning news in Albuquerque and would probably be on the national broadcasts by the time the evening news rolled around.
Roscoe had expressed his concern even though it secretly delighted him. He could just smell the ratings.
“Regan’s parents are with us,” Danny told Roscoe. “They’re coming to the screening today. I’d like to invite my parents as well.”
“The more the merrier,” Roscoe insisted.
“By the way,” Danny said. “You’ll have to cancel the check and issue a new one. It floated away when Agony did her back flip.”
“No problem,” Roscoe insisted. When he hung up the phone, he was practically salivating.
Chip and Vicky were not as disappointed as they would have been if things had gone as planned in the wedding cake balloon. They had spoken to their parents and checked their messages at home. An agent had already left his name and number and asked them to call him back about a book deal.
Barney and Elsa were, of course, in ecstasy. Their arms were wrapped around each other the whole flight.
When they arrived in Vegas, Danny went straight to the editing room. Luke and Nora went with Regan to the Fuzzy Dice Hotel.
“Let’s go someplace else for lunch,” Nora pleaded as soon as she got a look at the place.
“Fine with me,” Regan agreed.
68
A t five o’clock sharp all the interested parties gathered in the screening room of the Balloon Channel complex. Everyone from the sitcom and the reality show was there as well as several of Roscoe’s employees whom Regan had never seen before. Nora and Luke were sitting with Danny’s parents. Regan was sitting in the front row with Danny. She noticed Honey sitting by herself in the back and invited her to sit with them. Danny sat between the two women. Also in the front row were Bubbles, Pilot Pete, James, Kitty, and Roscoe.
Roscoe walked onto the stage and welcomed everyone. For the grand finale of the competition he had chosen to wear his custom-made burgundy leather jacket, silver-buckled belt, polished butter-soft leather boots, and one of his favorite string ties. “This has been an interesting week. We are all anxious to view both shows, so let’s not waste any more time. We’ll start with Take Me Higher.” He signaled to the technician in the control booth who lowered the lights as he took his seat next to Kitty.
Soft music filled the room. Onto the screen flashed the words Take Me Higher. A voice-over began: “Hot air ballooning has been around for years, but it hasn’t always been safe in the air or on the ground. As a matter of fact, whenever you land, there’s a very good chance you’re trespassing….” The screen showed a montage of the actors in the balloon, dressed in period clothing, landing in a field and offering champagne to farmers who were about to attack them with pitchforks.
“Suzette would have been perfect as one of the farmers,” Regan whispered to Danny. And come to think of it, what happened to our champagne this morning? she wondered. If anyone deserved champagne, it was moi.
The montage was amusing, and so was the sitcom. But James was positively dreadful. People tried to laugh at his jokes out of politeness, but his presence in a scene was disastrous. He was stiff and spoke in a monotone. Regan glanced over at Bubbles. Her face was tense, and she was gripping the arms of her chair. Pilot Pete was wringing his hands. The screen faded to black, and the audience applauded.
Next up was Love Above Sea Level.
Danny’s voice boomed out of the sound system as the show opened with a shot of the faux hot air balloon outside the Paris Hotel. “Welcome to Love Above Sea Level, where three couples compete to renew their vows in a hot air balloon, on a ride that’s sure to be unforgettable….”
Danny leaned over to Regan. “That part was taped before this morning’s adventures,” he whispered.
Regan smiled. The show was actually good. It captured the fun parts of the week and included the incredible scene on the balloon. Sam, being the consummate professional he was, never put the camera down to help. He recorded every last detail, which made for great drama. Elsa and Barney had done a wrap-up in the studio with Danny, expressing how happy they were to be the winning couple. “All our good luck this week,” Elsa gushed. “First winning at the slot machine and then winning the reality show contest. But what makes me luckiest is being married to Barney.”
Danny wrapped up the segment with a joke about the check being in the mail, and the program ended with a scene from the special shapes parade—brightly colored balloons of all shapes and sizes floated across the screen.
The audience clapped, and Barney whistled while the lights went up.
Roscoe took the stage again. He paused and smiled. “Could we have that winning couple up here, please?”
Barney and Elsa walked hand in hand up to the stage, beaming.
Roscoe cleared his throat. “You know, everyone, I wanted this contest to be fun. Reality shows are the craze these days, and it’s hard to make a new show, reality or sitcom, any different from what has already been on the air. ‘What’s the twist?’ everyone asks. I know you’re all waiting for me to announce which show will air tonight and wondering why I’m digressing. Well, I’m digressing because the answer to which show will air tonight is…”
Everyone waited.
Roscoe looked around the room, enjoying the drama. “The show I choose is…neither!”
A collective gasp went up in the room. “Neither!” everyone began to shout at once.
“Wait,” Roscoe yelled above the clamor. “You see, all week I’ve been making my own reality show about your shows competing with each other.”
“What?” Bubbles shrieked.
“Yes!” Roscoe cried. “We had hidden cameras in the studios and the public rooms of your hotels. We planned many of the mishaps and recorded your reactions to everything—the mail getting stolen, the camera getting stolen, Elsa winning at the slot machine, and lots more. Wait till you see it. It’s a scream. My staff here did a great job working all night, every night, reviewing all the hours and hours of tapes that we had recorded.”
“Elsa didn’t really win the money at the slot machine?” Danny asked.
“No! We brought in a slot machine that had been used on a movie set. It has nothing but cherries on the reels. We hired someone to sit at it until you got back from the studio. She was a great little actress, wasn’t she?” Roscoe asked. “I think she’s just joined us.”
Little, Regan thought. She turned and saw the woman in the back of the theater. A broad smile on her face, she got up to take a bow.
“But do Elsa and Barney still win the million dollars?” Danny asked heatedly.
“Well, that’s something else I want to tell you. James, would you please stand up?”
James obeyed.
“The twist here is…Barney, Elsa, and James are not who they appear to be. They are all Shakespearean actors from Stratford, England. Aren’t they the best? Elsa and James are actually man and wife. Say hello to Sir Linsley and Lady Lotus.”
A melee broke out in the screening room. Pilot Pete leaped from his seat. His arms reached for J
ames’s throat. Aunt Agony started screaming about her stolen mail and how she and Heartburn would become a laughingstock for choosing a couple who weren’t even married. She ran to the stage and started beating on Roscoe with her little fists. But Pilot Pete was the real danger. He had knocked James to the ground. His fingers were wrapped around James’s neck, and he was choking the life out of him.
“Stop it!” Bubbles screamed. “Stop it!”
Regan and Danny both were trying to grab Pilot Pete. Elsa jumped off the stage to tackle Pete. Her wig came off to reveal a short, stylish cut that gave her a whole new look.
Honey was trying to calm Aunt Agony who she thought was going to have a heart attack. Poor Heartburn was still in his seat, stunned and barely able to breathe. The whole day had been too much for him.
“Pete, are you nuts?” Bubbles shrieked as Regan and Danny pulled him away from James who was caressing his well-wrung neck.
“Am I nuts?” he screamed, his face beet red and the veins in his temple bulging out. “What about you? You and your boyfriend writing threatening notes to the other team! Here!” he pulled an envelope out of his pocket. You dropped this the other day. You can give it to Sam now!”
“Sam!” Danny repeated in disbelief.
Sam put down the camera and ran out of the building.
Regan noticed that Jake was taking lots of pictures while Kimberly was scribbling notes. They must be reporters, Regan realized. What a surprise.
“Everyone, please!” Roscoe pleaded. “This was supposed to be fun! You’ll all still be on the air!”
“You’re a fraud, Roscoe!” Danny yelled out to him.
“No, I’m not. I just wanted to create a reality show that people would remember. I thought Imus in the Morning might want to have me on his show to talk about it.”
“You can talk to Imus from behind bars. Stealing mail is a federal offense. And I’m sure a lot of your other hijinks are illegal, too,” Danny snapped.
“I just wanted my show to be a little bit Candid Camera, a little bit Fear Factor, and a little bit of a mystery. I even thought up clues like creating suspicion with Chap Sticks. All I’ve ever wanted was to be like Merv Griffin. He’s created such great shows!”
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