by LK Chapman
Also a funny thing is that now I feel a bit happier, when I do think about suicide, it seems a lot more like I might actually do it, which frightens me sometimes. When I was really bad, I don’t think I was ever at that much risk, but now I think, “right, that’s it, I’m going to do it,” and before I know it I’ve walked to the bathroom cabinet and I’m going through the stuff in there and I’m just about to start opening the packets of pills when I kind of think that I’m not so sure I do want to die and I put them away again. The thing is, what happens if one day I don’t stop myself? Sometimes I still think that would be better. But a lot of the time I don’t, and that’s the important thing, I guess. I talk about it with Fiona. She helped me understand how thoughts and behaviours and things link together and how to kind of break the links between them or something. Some of the things I do with her or that she gets me to do at home are more helpful than others. I like drawing stuff best, because when I can see things on paper it makes sense to me and it makes it smaller, somehow, like when it’s in my head it’s so big and when it’s on a sheet of paper it’s just a drawing. I showed some of them to mum and she tried to look at them but it makes her sad or sometimes angry, but if I say that Fiona suggested I do it she tries harder to listen to me. I feel bad for how much I upset her because I don’t think she deserves it (mum that is, not Fiona) I don’t think she wanted to have a daughter like me.
Oh yeah! Talking about the drawings reminded me of your amazing news!! I can’t believe you found someone who wants to work on the art for DreamChase for free!!! And that he contacted you as well! He must have thought it sounded like such a great idea, which it is. I was talking to my parents about it and my dad said that people who write books or make films or music or games or whatever get all this recognition for doing stuff they love and that people doing “proper” jobs work really hard to do stuff that matters and get sod all. I know what he means, because obviously there are lots of people doing jobs that make it so we can live and be safe, but I said to dad that while we need the people who make it so we can live, we need artists as well because they make life worth living. He didn’t like that, let me tell you! He said he thought you were making games, not art, and I said that some people think games are a form of art. He wasn’t very interested, so then I said that I thought people like you and the guy who emailed you... what’s his name again? Dan? are very brave because you are prepared to take a risk on making something that might not make any money because you value creative expression so highly. Dad says that if I ever marry you I’ll soon realise that creative expression doesn’t pay the bills or put food on the table and that people like you “think the world owes them a living”. But I don’t really care what he says anymore and I don’t really care about having a lot of money. As long as we have enough between us for the basics, I’m sure I’ll be happy!
Sometimes when I’m feeling down I think about DreamChase, or sometimes about how I’m going to start doing work experience with your mum at the florist soon, and it makes me happy. My parents still don’t think training to be a florist is right for me. They want me to go back to uni and finish my degree because they spent all this money on it and I’ve got all this student loan. They say it’s a waste for it all to be for nothing. The thing is, no matter how much they want it I know going back to uni would be the end of me, and Fiona has helped me to be more confident about my decisions, because when I say things to her she doesn’t immediately start pulling them apart, she lets me explore ideas myself, the way that you do. You’re always so kind. I feel safe when I’m talking to you.
Sometimes I miss you so much that before I go to sleep I pile all my old soft toys into bed with me and I hug them and pretend they are you. They don’t feel like you, but it makes me a little less lonely. I can’t wait to see you again, and even better for the day when we don’t have to ever be apart anymore, because we’ll have our own home.
Oh God, I’ve realised I’ve barely said any of the things in this letter that I actually meant to! I wanted to talk to you about how our relationship was when I was more ill, because I think I really need to. Last time I saw Fiona, I talked to her a lot about how I do things to try to make other people happy all the time, and how I think that for people to love me I have to be successful and to do what they want, but in some ways living like that actually makes me less successful. I think you once tried to tell me something like that, but I probably wasn’t listening properly. I often couldn’t listen to you properly, and that’s one of the things I’m sorry for, because you must have felt like I wasn’t interested in you, and that must have hurt your feelings. I suppose a lot of things I did must have hurt your feelings. It’s very hard for me to understand even now. In fact, I often try to understand our relationship by thinking about an imaginary couple, and thinking about how the man might feel when the woman does certain things and vice versa. Like, I can see how if the imaginary woman says that she’s going to harm herself or kill herself it would make the imaginary man sad, but when I think about it in terms of us it’s still very hard for me to get my head around. I suppose what it comes down to is that I just can’t understand why you love me or why you would care what happens to me. I know that you love me, but it’s hard for me to accept it. Do you remember last time you visited and my parents were out so we spent all afternoon having sex? And that thing you did where you were just stroking me and kissing me and it was all about me and it made me cry and I didn’t like it? I think that was actually really interesting, because I guess it shows that I find it hard to accept affection. Hopefully someday you’ll do that to me and I’ll be able to accept it and it’ll feel nice like it’s supposed to, but I think that might be a long way off. Even now I feel so angry with my body sometimes, because I feel like it’s failed me, because it couldn’t do the degree, and it’s weak and stupid, and I still worry it’s not good enough for you, or that when I get old or after I’ve had a baby the way I look or feel might change and I worry you won’t love me or be attracted to me anymore. It’s still really hard for me to shake all those thoughts. Sometimes I still think about injuring myself really badly, when I get frustrated, or when the emotion gets too much. I feel angry a lot as well. I think perhaps I might be angry about what has happened to me, but I’m not really sure. Fiona told me that I could punch pillows or cushions when I’m angry instead of hurting myself. Sometimes I do that, or I tear up blank sheets of paper.
Sorry, I’ve gone off on a tangent again. What I really want to say is that although I’m still confused about a lot of things, I do understand what it is you’ve done for me. You stuck by me through some really horrendous stuff, yet you always maintained that I’d get better, even though I never believed you. I’m so, so sorry that I made you scared I might die, although admittedly this letter probably hasn’t helped when I said how I still get suicidal now. So I suppose my apology for that is ongoing, but I promise you, I don’t want to die, and I’ll do my very best to keep myself safe. It was also so unkind of me to make it all such a big secret, to make it so you couldn’t even talk to your friends about it. I had no idea what I was doing, I’m so sorry. I couldn’t understand you as a person with feelings in your own right, I was in so much pain myself. And I’m sorry you’ve fallen out with Carl over me. I know you say he’s a dick and you’re glad that I inadvertently showed you that, but he used to be your best friend.
I’m in such awe of how you stood by me throughout everything though. I wish my parents could see it like that instead of blaming you for my illness, but I guess that’s just their way of coping with it. I still think about when they came to pick me up after you called them. It was so awful. I thought my dad was going to hit you and the way he yelled at you still makes me cry when I remember it. But I guess they were just so shocked, and in their minds this only started since I met you, even though in truth I think I’ve been sad on and off much of my life. Anyway, no matter what they say, the truth is you’re the most patient, kindest, most loving and most incredible perso
n I’ve ever met. I know inside you must have been in turmoil, but you were so strong for me. You never gave up on me. You’ve never stopped believing I can have a happy life. I really hope that you and Dan get on well together when you meet up over Easter, and that you make a great game together, because if anyone deserves success it’s you. I still have no idea why you love me the way you do, but I know how lucky I am, and I hope that one day I make you as proud of me as I am of you. Most of all, I want to say that I forgive you for telling my parents. I know that in some ways that sounds silly, because you did nothing wrong, so there isn’t actually anything to forgive, but for a long time I’ve still been angry with you on some level, and I’ve said awful things, like when I suggested that if I died it would be your fault. That was a disgusting thing to say, and I feel ashamed, though I try not to feel too ashamed, because apparently one of the things I have a problem with is unnecessary feelings of shame and guilt. But the thing is, they don’t seem unnecessary to me- that’s the problem! Anyway, I understand that you called my parents because you had no idea what else to do, and because you were scared I would die. I think if you hadn’t called them, I would have ended up in a terrible state, and though it has been very hard for my parents to accept I have a MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEM, I feel safer and more in control here. Also, although they are sometimes angry with me for how I am, and I know they find my self-harm disgusting, I think they are actually more angry with you. Which isn’t fair, but it sometimes makes my life easier! I do tell them all the time how you were practically my carer at university. I think dad struggles to believe somebody would act as selflessly as you did, though, so it makes more sense to them to think you’ve done something to me to make me this way. But then they always have been very keen to tell me that guys only want me for One Thing, and I’ve stopped listening, because sometimes I wonder whether that isn’t where all my strange ideas about our relationship came from- how I get so worried in case I don’t make you happy, or scared that you might leave me if I’m not good enough in bed. I’m so, so sorry I was like that- mainly because I was making you out to be somebody you absolutely aren’t. In fact, if you’ve taught me anything, it’s that people are a hell of a lot better than I used to think they were.
You’re the love of my life.
Lily.
2013
Chapter 51
When I stood on the cliff top, ignoring the yellow warning signs about landslides and getting as close to the edge as I dared, I thought about whether anybody ever truly wanted to die. I could understand some people wanted their pain to stop, whether it was physical or emotional. In which case I supposed that they were not actually seeking death for the sake of death, but freedom from suffering. I didn’t suffer in my life. I hadn’t even come close to the sort of pain that Lily had endured, yet even she hadn’t ever attempted suicide. I knew some people did, of course, and that some people were successful, but there must have been something in her, some terror of the actuality of not existing anymore that prevented her from ever taking that step.
My case was different, I guess, because I would apparently still be “alive” in the Network. But that was no form of living for me, no matter what Interface might say. Living was about eating and growing and working and playing and sleeping and fucking. It was about the things that he said were at odds with human happiness. My body was my life and my mind, and my mind was my body and my life. There could be no separation. Even Lily and Dan, who had left to go to their deaths and must have known that was what they were doing, had taken their toothbrushes. They had done something that was completely at odds with the commitment they had made to Interface, because what the hell was the point in brushing your teeth if you were about to die? If they really wanted to transcend their bodies, why care about them? This, if nothing else, told me that they did not really want death, not even on the Network’s terms. They were still thinking of their bodies as part of them, as something that would still reflect on them even after their death. They’d been drawn to the Network to escape whatever pain was inside them, whatever difficulty they had with the world as they knew it. But I had no pain inside me- nothing but the pain I felt when I thought of losing them.
I knew I needed to hurry up. This wasn’t something I should dwell on- I should get Interface to give me the true Networked experience he kept going on about and then jump off the cliff. It was pathetic to delay, and I was getting angry with myself.
‘Do it to me,’ I said to Interface. ‘Do it to me now.’
‘Do what?’ he said.
My stomach lurched as I looked down over the edge to the jagged rocks below. What was Interface talking about? He knew what.
‘Give me the full Networked experience, like you said you were going to. Let me make my choice.’
‘I can’t,’ Interface said. ‘I’m sorry. I have deceived you. But you will get your chance to have the Networked experience and the opportunity to make your choice.’
‘What are you talking about? Just do it to me now!’
‘I’m sorry, Nick. Look behind you.’
I spun round, and running towards me I saw the distant figures of Dan and Lily. She was several paces behind him, her hair whipping around her face in the breeze, and I thought I could vaguely hear the sound of her shouting.
‘Do it to me, Interface!’ I shouted in my head. ‘Please, do it now, now!’
‘Not without them.’
In my urgency, I just couldn’t understand. They were almost upon me, all I could think was that if I didn’t flood the Network with my objection now, I’d never get another opportunity, and without me stopping the Network Dan and Lily would make the choice to die. But I couldn’t do it unless it was on Interface’s terms. He’d never be interested in my opinion on the Network unless I truly, completely understood it.
‘Please,’ I said, my voice almost a sob, ‘please do it to me.’
I knew it was too late. I dropped to my knees, and moments later I felt Dan drag me away from the edge.
Chapter 52
‘What the hell is wrong with you?’ Dan asked, as he pulled me away and in my despair I tried to fight him off me. Finally I gave up, and we scrambled away from the edge just as Lily caught up with us. She threw her arms around me and started crying in high-pitched gasps of relief and anger, her hands clutching at my clothes and my skin.
‘What were you doing?’ she said, her voice shuddering and faltering.
‘What did it look like I was doing?’ I said, pushing her away from me. ‘I was trying to save the two of you!’
Lily retreated into Dan’s arms and looked at me with wide, frightened eyes as though she was no longer sure who I was.
‘How could you do this to me?’ I said to them, ‘Lily, you promised me you’d never run away from me again. I told you how scared I was that day on the motorway-’
‘I’m sorry,’ Lily said, and she tried to step towards me but Dan held her back.
‘And you,’ I said, looking at him, ‘you’re a real piece of work, you know that?’
‘Nick, I didn’t mean-’
‘No,’ I said, glaring at them, ‘I’ve had it with the pair of you and your apologies and explanations. What you did was selfish, thoughtless and cruel.’
I was so hurt that I turned my back on them and stared out to sea. Did they not even care what I’d been prepared to do for them?
‘The Network is nothing but a whole load of code, you know that?’ I said when Lily came over and put her hand on my shoulder.
‘What do you mean?’ she asked.
‘I mean, it’s artificial intelligence,’ I said, ‘it was made by people.’
Despite himself, Dan was interested. ‘Are you sure?’ he said.
‘Yeah. I figured out exactly what it is and Interface told me I was right. There is no Interface, by the way,’ I said harshly, feeling satisfied at the look of shock on Lily’s face, ‘it’s just the Network’s way of talking to us. He’s not an individual, he’s an illusion.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ Lily said as mine and Dan’s cars came into view. ‘I had no idea it would be like that.’
‘The two of you have had no idea about anything,’ I said, ‘all you’ve cared about is Affrayed and Interface. I might as well not have existed.’
‘I swear to you, it wasn’t like that,’ Lily said, ‘Interface promised that if we trusted him he’d bring us back together again. He told us to go, so we went. He said it was the only way.’
I turned to Dan. ‘Is that true?’
‘Yeah,’ he said, ‘more or less. He said you had your own journey to go through. Then tonight he told us to come here. He said that you were waiting for us.’
When we got to my car the three of us stood around beside it, not sure what to do.
‘We’re not supposed to go home,’ Lily said.
‘What do you mean?’
