“He’s not here. I haven’t seen him since yesterday.”
“Do you know where he could be? I’m really worried about him. I’ve left him a dozen messages and he won’t call me back. I’m about to come to California.”
His silence was gonna kill me, but he finally said, “Just give me some time and I’ll get a hold of him. You don’t need to come.”
“You know where he is?”
“Just give it some time, chica.”
He hung up the phone.
I was… Well, I don’t know what I was. I wanted to cry again, but I was also mad as a hornet. I was mad at Tyse for…well, everything…and I was mad at Nate for hanging up on me. I was mad at the stupid airline for letting Tyse cancel the flight.
Then I started thinking about Nate’s initial reaction on the phone. I had Tyse tied up over what? Quit playing games with him? That confused me, and I honestly didn’t know what to think of it. Tyse knew how badly I wanted to see him—I said it every time we spoke on the phone. How could he not understand how much he meant to me?
Harlan stopped by around three to see how I was doing. He didn’t seem too put off that I wasn’t actually ill but just stressed out about a few things. He didn’t even pry, but when I’d checked my phone for probably the fifth time while he was over, he did ask if I was expecting a call.
I ended up telling him about Tyse canceling his trip, and how I still couldn’t get a hold of him. I admitted to how worried I was and that I didn’t understand what was going on. Harlan had nothing to say, not even a little piece of advice or encouragement, so I finally just asked him what he thought.
He slightly shrugged. “I hardly know the fellow, so I don’t feel equipped to have an answer.”
“Not even an opinion?”
“Well I could speculate, but I’m sure you’ve already conjured up all kinds of creative possibilities.”
I smiled because he was right.
“So what’s your worst-case scenario?” he asked.
He had my leg in his lap and he softly rubbed my foot. It was so relaxing that I might have gone to sleep had we not been talking.
And had I not felt totally overwhelmed.
My arm was resting over my eyes when I murmured, “That he hates my guts for some reason.”
Harlan chuckled. “And why would he hate you?”
“I don’t know. You asked for my worst-case scenario and that’s it. You didn’t ask for it to make sense.”
“Okay, so what’s your most logical scenario?”
I thought for a few seconds. “I don’t know. Do I think logically?”
Again he laughed, and that’s when my phone rang. I almost fell off the couch trying to reach for it on the coffee table.
“Hello?”
“Uh, yeah it’s Nate.”
“I know. Did you find him?”
“Uh, yeah I talked to him.”
My heart started pounding in my chest. “Well?”
“He’s okay. He’s headed up north for a couple of weeks. Took on a short term that pays pretty good.”
That totally did not settle right with me. “And why wouldn’t you have known that, Nate? He works for you; he would have said he was taking a temporary job.”
He was silent for a few seconds. “Yeah, I knew he was looking into it. I just didn’t know what he told you. I didn’t know why you didn’t know or whatever.”
“Oh, so you guys had to get your stories straight?”
“He said he’ll call you tonight, sometime after ten. He’s just busy getting things together right now. I gotta go. Bye, Ellie.”
I was totally frustrated, but before I even put the phone down, my sister was calling me, wanting to know which dress I’d decided to wear for the party that night. I didn’t dare admit that I had completely forgotten about it, and I only said I hadn’t picked one out yet.
“Go with the silver one,” she said decisively. “It looks so cute on you and you have the best legs for it.”
“I’ll probably freeze my butt off in that.”
“We’ll be inside. No, it’s perfect. And your Vera’s,” she added. “I gotta go, so I’ll see you two there. Bye!”
I hung up and groaned.
“You completely forgot, didn’t you?” Harlan smiled.
“Yes,” I laughed. “What about you? Is that what you’re wearing?”
“No, my attire is in the car. Just in case you decided to go.”
“Hmm,” I said, glancing at the clock. It was almost four, and if the party started at seven, and we stayed for two hours, I could be home before ten when Tyse called. “Yeah, I guess we could go for a little bit.”
“You don’t have to if you’re not feeling up to it.”
“I know, but if Dawn is actually going to wear a white dress, I can’t miss any snowman comments she might get.”
Harlan laughed out loud. “You’re absolutely rotten to your sister.”
“Hey, I put up with my fair share.”
By seven-fifteen we were at the Marriott, and I have to admit that it was kind of fun getting dressed up for the night. It was a formal event since it was a charity fundraiser, so Harlan was sporting a very nice Armani suit. He looked really good in it, and after his generous comments about the way I looked, I felt pretty happy to be his date that night.
After he took me home, he walked me to the door like he always did. I’d been feeling some pretty warm vibes from him all night, so when he leaned in for his customary peck on the cheek, I wasn’t surprised when he stopped and looked me in the eyes instead. I could feel my entire body turn about ten degrees hotter as he softly touched my face with his hand and ran his thumb over my jaw line. I knew he was waiting for me to reciprocate the desire, just so he was sure it was okay to kiss me.
I did desire affection, so I slid my hands around his waist and welcomed his lips against mine. I guess I wasn’t surprised by how good of a kisser he was, but I was surprised by how much power he had over me with hardly even any contact. I guess I understood it after a few seconds, since I was unlocking the front door and wanting to kiss him longer because of it. It was a pretty clever technique on his part and I liked it, so we continued kissing once the front door shut.
He slid my sweater off and it fell to the floor. I could barely feel his fingers on the skin of my neck and shoulders, but again it had the same affect as his kiss had. His hands traveled down my waist to my hips, and I enjoyed the way he barely inched my dress up. But that was all the further he went, and he returned his hands to my shoulders as he continued to kiss me.
Gradually he pulled away, kissing me one last time before he quietly said, “I should probably go.”
He didn’t move though, so I could only assume that he didn’t want to, and he was only waiting for me to agree or not.
“Yeah, that’s…that’s probably a good idea,” I smiled, subtly trying to catch my breath.
He slightly nodded his head. “Was it too soon?” he asked, referring to the kiss.
I slowly shook my head. “Um, no, I think it was okay.”
“You think it was okay?” he teased.
“Um, well that was more than okay,” I admitted honestly.
“But did I cross the line,” he wanted to know.
“No, you didn’t. Uh…I think I needed it and I feel good because of it.”
“Good in what way?”
I knew what he wanted me to say, but I just wasn’t at that point yet. I already felt really guilty about it because now I was only thinking about Tyse. That good feeling kind of disappeared.
“What’s the matter?” he asked. “I’m sorry, if you don’t want to answer that then—”
“I can answer it, but I don’t…”
“Don’t what? Want to hurt my feelings?”
I nodded reluctantly.
“Well the only way you could hurt my feelings is to tell me it was just…bloody awful, and it was the worst kiss that you’ve ever experienced.”
I had to chuc
kle. “No, I’ve had worse.”
“So that’s not it?” he wondered.
“No, that’s not it.”
“Then I guess the only other problem is that you can’t be honest with me.”
I studied him closely, realizing that with any other guy this would have been very awkward. But it was Harlan, and Harlan was really good to me. Harlan was considerate and concerned, and he was a good guy that wasn’t going to go tell all his buddies anything he shouldn’t.
“Ellie, I care about every aspect of your life. I only want you to be happy, so if that wasn’t the right thing for me to do, then I would really like to know so I don’t do it again. You get to call the shots here, all right?”
He waited for me to respond, so I nodded my head.
I slipped my shoes off because I was tired of standing in them and decided I wanted to sit on the couch. He followed willingly, and sat down next to me.
“Harlan, you know that I like you, right? I mean you can tell?”
“Yes, I feel that you do.”
“Well kissing me was a good thing because I really like you. And I really liked it and…we’ve known each other for about six months now, so I feel like we’re comfortable with each other.”
He slightly nodded his agreement.
“But what I meant about…needing it… I feel good because it was nice to feel that. I liked it. Uh, the affection, I mean.”
“Everyone desires affection. I’m glad you allowed me to give it. But are you saying that you just needed it in general, but not exactly from me?”
“Oh. No, that’s not what I meant.”
“It’s not? Well were you thinking about Tyse?”
“While I was kissing you? No.”
“Not at all?”
“No, not while we were kissing. I was enjoying the fact that I was kissing you. But when you asked me in what way it was good… I guess that’s what made me think about being needy.”
“You feel needy? Because you miss Tyse,” he concluded.
“I don’t know.”
“Well if that’s who you thought of after kissing me, then it’s a reasonable answer, Ellie.”
“Oh man, I don’t even know what I’m saying,” I groaned.
“Don’t beat yourself up over it,” he smiled. “I understand.”
“You do?”
“Well, I believe I do. It’s your way of telling me that just because I kissed you, and you liked it, it doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten about Tyse.”
Wow. Why couldn’t I just say that?
“Ellie, it’s honestly easier for me if you just say what you feel.”
“Okay.”
“We could have avoided all that confusion if you had just spoken your mind.”
“Okay.”
“So say it.”
“Say what?”
“Tell me how you feel.”
I sighed.
“Ellie…”
“Fine. Harlan, just because you kissed me—and you’re a very good kisser, by the way, and I liked it…a lot—it doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten about Tyse.”
“Ah, there we go!” he smiled. “Good girl. Now if you keep practicing that, you just might get better at it.”
“I’ve spoken my mind plenty of times with you.”
“True, but only when you don’t feel vulnerable in any way. No one likes to put his or her heart out there for everyone to see. But you, my dear Ellie… You are afraid. You are afraid of making mistakes.”
“Everyone is. Aren’t you? I mean you’re a doctor, Harlan. Surely you’re afraid of making mistakes, right?”
“Oh yes, definitely. But I do the only thing I know I can do. I have to trust in my own abilities—the things I’ve studied, the things I know and can do—and I rely on those things to make the right decisions. Such is life, and when it comes to situations that affect us personally—emotions, relationships, decisions—we need to rely on what we know in here—” he tapped his head, “—and in here,” he patted his chest.
“You’re a very confident person. I guess that comes from being a doctor? Or does being confident come first?”
“I would say both help each other out. But you have to have confidence first; otherwise you wouldn’t try doing anything at all, or believe that you could. Then you just sort of…build from there. The same goes with relationships, but it’s trickier. It’s not exactly ‘text book,’ ” he smiled. “You have to learn as you go, and sometimes what you’ve learned from one experience can help you out with another, but other times it can be like starting all over again.”
Hmm, where had I heard that before? “And your answer to that is…?”
He shrugged and sat back against the couch. “I don’t have the answer. I guess for myself it’s a combination of heart and logic. You have to follow your heart, but your mind needs to provide some reasonable guidance.”
“Reasonable,” I chuckled.
“Exactly,” he smiled. “That can kind of vary, eh?”
“Yes, it can.” I took a deep breath and slowly let it out. “I’m getting tired from all of this profound thinking.”
“Yes, I ruined everything by asking if it was too soon. If I weren’t such a bloody idiot, I would have just kissed you goodnight and then left.”
I laughed. “Yeah, maybe. But I’m glad you didn’t.”
He took a few seconds to study me carefully, and then he leaned forward to look into my eyes. “I do think that you reflect, ponder, internalize—all of those things—quite a lot. Don’t you? Do you ever just…let things happen as they do?”
“Uh…”
“Hmmm.” He was quiet for several seconds, but I waited because I knew he was about to say more. At last he said, “If I told you that I wanted to kiss you again, would you let me?”
That caught me off-guard, but I knew what the answer was. All I could say was, “Uh…”
He ever so slightly nodded. “Hmm. Then the answer to the question—was it too soon? —Is yes.”
I sighed. “I’m sorry, Harlan, but…”
“Okay, first of all you don’t have anything to apologize for. It was just too soon and you weren’t ready for it, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”
“But can I clarify something?”
After a brief pause he replied, “Of course. Please.”
I took a quick breath and said, “There’s a difference between not allowing you to kiss me and not wanting you to kiss me.”
He slightly raised an eyebrow. “And which is it for you?”
I couldn’t help but smile, but then I took a few seconds to gather my thoughts. “Well, if I were to keep kissing you… Well, I think it has to do with my intentions. If I were to allow you to kiss me it would mean that I want to continue on with that in our relationship. But I can’t do that because… Well, because I don’t feel right having that kind of… Why can’t I just say things plainly?”
Harlan smiled, but he took my hand and said very seriously, “You feel you’re betraying Tyse by kissing another man.”
Phew. Couldn’t I just have Harlan declare all of my feelings for me? “Yes. Simply put, I don’t feel right about that at this time. Not until…not until I have some kind of resolution about all of that. Not until I know where I at least stand with him. But I did tell you that at the beginning…”
“Ellie, you don’t have to defend your position. You very clearly stated that to me and I agreed to it. I respect how you feel. Honestly, I do. So let’s drop the subject and you can tell me about your holiday plans before I fly across the world.”
He always had a way of making me feel comfortable with anything, and for that I was truly grateful. We did talk about our plans for the next week. I just had the traditional family gatherings to attend and the three days on the mountain that I was looking forward to. Harlan would be leaving for England in just a few hours—he and his brother would start their trip during the night so they could sleep through some of it. I thought Christmas in another country was ki
nd of intriguing. I ended up asking him a lot of questions about it before he finally made himself leave just before midnight. He gave me the customary kiss on the cheek, said how much he was going to miss me, and headed home to pick up Felix.
Tyse never did call me that night.
Chapter Thirty
“Ellie, it’s Miranda,” she said over the phone.
“Oh hey, Happy Holidays.”
“Oh, yeah, you too,” she lightly laughed.
I was just headed home from spending the afternoon at Harlan’s. We’d made lunch together, watched a couple of movies, and just had a really nice, relaxing day. He still had major jetlag from his return from Europe the day before, so while he was catching up on sleep, I had plans to do some housecleaning.
“Anyways,” Miranda continued. “I have some gossip to spread.”
“Oh yeah? From work?”
“Yep, and you’re never gonna guess what happened.”
“Okay, so just tell me.”
“Okay, but you’re probably gonna be blown away. Probably a little ticked, too.”
“Uh… Okay.” Now I was worried because I thought of a dozen possibilities right off the bat.
“But you’re also going to be happy,” she added.
“Okay, okay, so just tell me!”
“Okay, so here’s the expedited version… First of all, Amy quit. I mean just up and left. She came in during her vacation break, gathered her things and left.”
“What?”
“I know. But all I know is that it had something to do with family stuff. But anyway, here’s the good stuff. So you know how we all have different vacation days and such, and I was in the office the last two days. But earlier I was at my desk doing some work and I hear Kathy say, ‘What are you doing at Ellie’s desk?’ So I slid my chair back to get a look at your cubicle, and there’s Belinda Martin, just standing there with Kathy in her face.”
“What? At my cubicle?”
“Mmhmm. So by then a couple of other people have made an audience, and we all watch Kathy rip a file out of Belinda’s hands. One of your research files.”
“From my desk?” I asked with disbelief. “She was in my stuff?”
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