‘Why? Don’t you?’
‘I don’t know,’ I admit. ‘I like to think I can do anything but …’ My voice trails off.
‘I know it’s not going to be easy,’ Ram says. ‘It’s going to be really fucking hard work and we’re not going to be able to do it alone, but we’re smart people, Jojo. Surely we can make this work if we put our minds to it.’
‘You know,’ I say slowly, ‘I didn’t realize it at the time, but I think part of the reason I took off with Albie yesterday was to test myself.’
Ram cocks his head to one side. ‘How do you mean?’
‘To see if I could do it – if I could look after Albie all by myself. Mum and Stacey have spent the last three weeks telling me it’s impossible, that I’d be hopeless without them. I guess I wanted to prove them wrong, prove myself wrong.’
‘And? Have you?’
‘I think I’ve done an OK job.’
Ram glances at Albie then looks back up at me. ‘I think you’ve done more than an OK job, Jojo.’
I shrug, embarrassed by his praise.
‘I mean it,’ he says. ‘You’ve been really brave.’
‘I don’t feel brave. If I’m honest, I feel like I’ve spent the last three weeks in a near-constant state of terror.’
‘Isn’t that kind of the point, though? It only counts as bravery if it scares the shit out of you.’
I smile gratefully.
‘Can I ask you a question?’ he adds.
‘Sure.’
‘If you’d found out you were pregnant earlier, say within the first few months or something, what would you have done, do you think? Would you have gone through with it?’
I hesitate. Mainly because this is something I’ve thought about a lot since Albie was born.
‘You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to,’ Ram says when I don’t respond right away.
‘No, no, it’s fine,’ I say. ‘Honestly? No, I don’t think I would have gone through with it. In fact, scrap that, I know I wouldn’t. And that’s been kind of hard to get my head around, because right now I can’t imagine life without Albie in it, but the fact is, I never planned on getting pregnant at sixteen. And I think that’s OK, you know? For both those things to be true at the same time; for both paths to be right.’
He nods.
‘I would have told you,’ I add. ‘Whatever I decided to do, I would have wanted you to be a part of it.’
‘And I would have supported you,’ he replies.
‘I know.’
‘Can I ask you another question?’ he adds.
‘OK.’
‘It’s about his name. Why did you choose Albie? Don’t get me wrong, I like it, it really suits him, I’m just curious as to why you picked it. I mean, it’s not like it’s really common or anything.’
Picking the name was one of the few things Mum and Stacey let me have ownership of. In hindsight, part of me wonders if it was compensation, a little something to keep me sweet.
‘After all,’ Stacey said when I revealed I’d already come up with a name, ‘lots of older siblings help pick their little brother or sister’s names.’ Just the memory of her saying this makes me wince.
‘Jojo?’ Ram prompts. ‘You OK?’
‘Sorry,’ I say. ‘In my own world for a second there.’
‘That’s all right.’
‘The truth is,’ I say slowly, ‘I named him after your dad.’
‘My dad? What do you mean?’
‘Albie. It’s short for Albanaz.’
Ram’s entire face slackens and for a moment I’m worried I’ve made a terrible mistake. ‘Seriously?’ he says.
I nod, my cheeks heating up once more. ‘Is that … OK?’
He pumps his head up and down. ‘Jojo, it’s … it’s perfect.’
Right on time, Albie begins to stir. I let Ram go ahead and pick him up, sitting on the bed and watching as Ram cuddles him to his chest. Together, we prepare his bottle and change his nappy. And it feels nice to have him by my side. More than nice.
For maybe the first time since Albie was born, I don’t feel like I’m doing this alone.
Chapter 40
Frankie
We’ve been on the road for about half an hour. Jojo and Albie are asleep in the back – Albie and his cuddly Paddington Bear snuggled in a hastily purchased baby seat from the local branch of Mothercare, Jojo next to him, her head resting against the window.
Ram and I are up front. I’m back on navigational duties, Ram’s phone nestled in the palm of my hand. I never did get my phone back. I’d hoped it would get handed in at the club, but no such luck. Mum’s going to go mad. It’ll be the third time she’s had to make an insurance claim because of me ‘being careless’. I can’t bring myself to get too stressed about her reaction, though, not when Jojo has her mum and Stacey to face.
‘Mind if I wind my window down a bit?’ I ask.
‘Go for it,’ Ram replies.
It’s the sort of day Mum would describe as ‘fresh’. The sky is clear and there’s a slight chill in the air following last night’s almighty storm. I let down my ponytail and allow the breeze to air-dry my slightly damp hair.
I down the dregs of my takeaway coffee and lean back in my seat. I can’t believe it’s barely twelve hours since I was last sitting here, convinced my best friend had kidnapped Olivia Sinclair. It seems ridiculous now, of course. Not that I’m about to admit this to Ram.
When I woke up this morning, he and Jojo were cooing over Albie together, their shoulders touching – Mummy and Daddy in action. I’m not going to lie, seeing that hurt. When they realized I was awake, they broke apart straightaway, which somehow only made things worse, like I was interrupting something private, intimate, something I have no chance of ever truly being a part of. Ram jumped up and volunteered to go on a coffee and pastries run, leaving Jojo and me alone.
‘Seeing the two of you doing the whole parenting thing is going to take a lot of getting used to,’ I told her as she began packing up Albie’s things.
‘I know. I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be. It’s not about being sorry any more. It’s about being honest, remember?’
She nodded.
‘What about you?’ I asked, hugging a pillow to my chest. ‘How are you feeling about seeing your mum and Stacey later?’
She stopped folding. ‘Terrified,’ she said.
‘You’re doing the right thing.’
‘I know I am. It still feels terrifying, though.’
‘But they love you.’
‘I know. But they love Albie too.’
‘It’s not like they’re never going to see him.’
‘I know, I—’ She looked away and I got the sense she was finding the prospect of returning to Newfield even scarier than she was letting on. ‘I might get a shower if that’s OK,’ she said, standing up.
‘OK.’
‘Do you want to hold Albie while I’m in there?’
At that point, he was on the floor, lying on his changing mat.
I leaned backwards. ‘Er, I dunno. You know how crap I am with babies.’
‘You’ll be fine.’
She ordered me to sit on the bed with my back against the headboard, before gently lowering Albie into my arms, his head nestled in the crook of my right arm.
‘He’s really warm,’ I exclaimed.
‘I know. Like a human hot water bottle,’ Jojo said, grabbing a towel and heading towards the bathroom.
‘What if he cries while you’re in there?’ I called after her.
‘He won’t,’ she replied.
And she was right. He didn’t make a peep the entire time I was holding him.
I glance over at Ram. He looks shattered. Handsome (as always) but utterly shattered.
‘What are you going to do about your shift at the rink?’ I ask.
‘I’ve pulled a sickie.’
‘Let me guess, your first ever?’
‘How did you know?’
I roll my eyes. ‘Once a goodie-two-shoes, always a goodie-two-shoes.’
He smiles.
It feels good to be joking around with each other again, even if it does feel a little forced. ‘I’m sorry,’ I say. ‘About what I said last night in the street. I was angry and upset and I took it out on you. You’re not incapable of expressing emotion or whatever I said. You were right. We’re just different. We always were.’
‘No, you were speaking the truth,’ Ram replies.
I raise an eyebrow. ‘What do you mean?’
He takes a deep breath. ‘You know the damage to the car?’
‘Yeah.’ We’d returned to Ram’s car this morning to discover it covered with dents.
‘I know who did it.’
My eyes widen. ‘Who?’
‘Me.’
‘What?’
‘I’m the one who damaged the car.’
‘But that makes literally no sense.’
‘I know. It’s the truth, though. How do you think I got this?’ He holds up his bandaged hand.
‘But I thought that was an accident.’ He’d told us he’d slipped in the rain.
‘Nope. All self-inflicted.’
‘But why? Why would you do that?’ I just can’t imagine it. After Jojo, Ram is one of the most self-disciplined people I know.
He sighs. ‘Like I said, you were right. OK, so maybe I’m not totally incapable of expressing emotion but I do keep stuff bottled up to save face or to protect other people and, I dunno, last night, everything kind of hit me all at once and I just … lost it for a bit.’
‘Shit, Ram,’ I murmur, unable to remove the utterly bizarre image of him trashing his car from my head.
‘I know. Stupid, right? I mean, what kind of idiot attacks their own car?’
‘No,’ I say. ‘It’s not stupid at all. I think … I think it’s … great!’
He frowns. ‘Great? You think it’s great that I wrecked my car?’
‘Yes! I mean, if it helped you in some way. Did it?’
He thinks for a moment. ‘Yeah,’ he says slowly. ‘Yeah, I think maybe it did.’
‘But that’s amazing!’ I say.
And in that brief moment, I don’t exactly know why but I’m so happy for him I could burst.
Ram doesn’t look quite so enthused. ‘Is it amazing, though?’ he asks. ‘It’s going to cost hundreds to fix all those dents. And it’s not like I don’t have other things to spend my money on right now.’ He pauses to glance at Albie in the rear-view mirror.
‘Yeah, well maybe it was worth it,’ I say.
A hint of a smile tugs at the corners of Ram’s mouth. ‘Maybe,’ he murmurs.
The news comes on the radio. The arrest of Olivia Sinclair’s kidnapper is the lead story. We listen to the details in silence.
‘Say it, then,’ I say.
‘What?’
‘You know what.’
Ram shakes his head.
I tut. ‘I told you so?’
He doesn’t say anything.
‘Oh, come on,’ I say. ‘You must be dying to come out with it. Go on. Get it out of your system.’
‘No.’
‘No?’
‘No. I don’t want to. You drew a conclusion based on the information you had available to you at the time.’
I snort. ‘You’ve changed your tune.’
‘Look, I shouldn’t have given you such a hard time about the Olivia thing.’
‘But I was wrong.’
‘So? At the end of the day, you were just looking out for your friend. And you were right to. She really did need you.’
No one says anything for a moment.
‘I wonder if she fits the profile,’ I say.
‘Who?’
‘The woman who took Olivia. You know, all those articles I looked at.’
‘Oh, I don’t know. Maybe.’
‘It’s weird, but I almost feel sorry for her. Like, I’m not saying what she did was right but, I don’t know, you must be in a pretty bad place to take someone else’s baby.’
‘I guess so.’
‘I hope they’re being kind to her. The police, I mean.’
Ram reaches across and gives my hand a squeeze. ‘I’m sure they are,’ he says.
We turn off the radio and sit in silence for a while.
‘What’s that noise?’ I ask. A gentle rumbling sound is coming from the back seat.
‘I think it might be Albie,’ Ram says.
‘What?’ I twist round to look. Sure enough, the noise is emanating from Albie. I laugh. ‘Oh my God, like father, like son.’
‘I don’t snore!’ Ram exclaims.
‘Er, yeah, you do.’
‘Well, only when I’m really tired.’
‘OK, sure. Keep telling yourself that.’
‘Do you want to walk home? I can pull over right here.’
‘Like you’d dare.’
We grin at each other.
‘I meant what I said last night, Frankie,’ Ram says.
‘About what?’
‘About how much I care about you. No matter what happens, you’ll always be one of my special people.’
I look down at my lap. My dress is creased from sleeping in it.
‘And I meant what I told you about Jojo as well,’ Ram continues. ‘I honestly didn’t look at her as anything more than a friend until that night. I swear, when we were going out, Frankie, there was never anyone else. It was all about you.’
I bite the inside of my cheek.
‘You believe me, don’t you?’ Ram says.
I nod. Because deep down I know Ram wouldn’t lie to me, not about something so important.
‘Good,’ he says. ‘Because it’s true and I want you to know that.’
‘OK. Thanks.’
There’s a long pause.
‘Are you going to try to make a go of it?’ I ask, pulling at a bit of loose skin on my right thumb. ‘You and Jojo.’
‘God, I don’t know,’ Ram says, his cheeks reddening a little.
‘Would you like to?’
‘It’s not about what I want,’ he begins.
I roll my eyes. ‘Oh, just answer the question, Ram. It’s not hard. Do you want give things a go with Jojo or not?’
He looks in his rear-view mirror before replying in a low voice. ‘Yes. I think I would. If she wanted to, that is. And if the time was right.’
It hurts to hear him say this out loud but a lot less than I thought it would.
‘Then you should try,’ I say.
‘What?’
‘You should give it a go, see what happens. I mean, if Jojo is on board, of course.’
‘Seriously?’
I shrug. ‘Yeah.’
‘And you’d be OK with that?’
I take a deep breath before answering. ‘Eventually.’ And I mean it.
‘You’re a really good person, Frankie.’
‘Tell me something I don’t know.’
Ram laughs.
‘Another thing,’ I say.
‘What’s that?’
‘Don’t you dare hurt her, OK?’
‘I won’t. You have my word.’
‘Good. Because if you do, I will hunt you down and make you wish you’d never been born.’
I mean that too.
Chapter 41
Jojo
We stop at a service station for an early lunch. The smell of fried food makes me feel a little queasy, but I manage to force down a cheese and pickle sandwich from Marks and Spencer while Frankie and Ram wolf down Big Macs and fries. While we eat, Ram holds Albie. I still can’t get over the sight of the two of them together – father and son. From the wonder in his eyes every time he looks down at Albie, neither can Ram.
‘I should change him,’ I say, when everyone has finished eating. I hold out my arms so Ram can pass Albie over to me.
‘I can do it,’ Ram says.
‘On your own?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Jojo, I’ve changed a nappy before. In fact, I’ve changed multiple nappies.’
‘I know, I just—’
‘What?’ he asks.
Aside from trips to the bathroom, it’ll be the first time I’ve been apart from Albie in over twenty-four hours, and even though I know it’s stupid, and that Albie will be perfectly safe with Ram, I can’t help but feel a flutter of fear at the thought of being separated from him, even for just a few minutes.
‘Nothing’s going to happen, Jojo,’ Ram says, his voice gentle.
‘I know,’ I murmur.
‘Listen, if we’re going to make this work, we’re both going to have to get really good at delegating. Starting right now. You go get some fresh air. I’ll take care of this.’ He pats Albie’s bottom.
I take a deep breath and hand him my backpack. ‘Everything’s in there,’ I say. ‘Nappies, wipes. If he’s sore, put some nappy rash cream on. Oh, and warm up your hands up before you get him undressed. He cries if they’re too cold.’
‘Noted,’ Ram says, swinging the backpack over his left shoulder. He kisses Albie on the top of his head. ‘C’mon, kiddo, let’s get you cleaned up.’
‘I’ll come find you when I’m done,’ he adds.
Frankie wants something from the shop, so I head outside on my own. After the stifling heat of the last few weeks, it feels chilly. I zip up my hoodie and walk round the side of the building where I find a cluster of mostly empty wooden picnic tables. I sit down. Without Albie or my backpack, I feel almost naked.
I take my phone out of my pocket and stare at the blank screen. My thumb strokes the ‘power on’ button but I can’t quite bring myself to press it.
‘Dessert?’
I look up. Frankie is standing on the other side of the picnic table, holding up a paper bag.
‘Dessert?’ I repeat numbly.
She sits down opposite me and carefully rips open the bag, revealing two Krispy Kreme doughnuts – an original glazed and a chocolate-iced custard-filled, just like old times. I’m hit with the familiar scent of sweet dough, and with it the collective memory of dozens of Friday afternoons spent licking our sugary fingers on the last lingering leg of the journey home from school.
‘Do you want the original glazed all to yourself or do you want a bit of each?’ Frankie asks.
First Day of My Life Page 26
