Maddy let the words sink in. She looked at her hand, swollen with dark bruises and meandering cuts, and she was in no doubt.
He confirmed what she was thinking. “I’m sorry. We had no choice but to amputate the thumb.”
Maddy closed her eyes. She thought of Ellen and Michael; she relived that moment in the car when she had jumped knowing full well that she might be killed. But she had had no choice. And now, at least, she had managed to outwit Drayton yet again. And her son was safe. A bittersweet joy filled her heart. At least her darling son was safe!
She had lost a thumb, yes. But it was a small price to pay.
There was something else. On waking, Maddy had quickly realized that one side of her face was swathed in dressings; now, as she raised her fingers to touch them, she asked, “My face – what happened to my face?” Of all the injuries he had mentioned, the doctor had said nothing about her face, and the idea of being scarred was the most fearful.
The doctor was noncommittal. He called a nurse over, and asked her to stand by while he undid the bandages. “We had some repair work to do on the side of your neck and face, which was where you took the brunt of your injuries,” he told Maddy. “It’s time to take off the bandages, so we can see how it’s all healing.”
Her heart beating fast, Maddy sat very still while the bandages came off. It seemed to take forever. She wondered how bad it was. Had the side of her face been sheered when she careered across the concrete? Did it get damaged when she crashed through the undergrowth and into the ditch? Suddenly she could recall every heart-stopping minute – every twist and turn as she rolled faster and faster, even the dull thump as she hit the ditch and fell inside the muddy green tomb.
The last strip of dressing fell into the basin. “Mmm,” the doctor kept saying. “Mmm.”
Asking the nurse to bring a mirror, he turned his attention to Maddy, who was by now holding her breath, afraid to ask. Afraid to know the truth.
He did not mince his words. “Your left ear was almost detached by the impact,” he informed her quietly. Seeing the look on her face, he said quickly, “The ear is fine now, and your hearing should not be impaired; indeed, from our conversation so far, I’m delighted to note that it appears not to be affected at all. As for the scarring, well… all I can tell you is that we’ve done the very best we can. The scars will be angry for a while, but in time they will fade, I can promise you that.”
When the nurse returned with the hand-held mirror, the doctor took it from her and held it out to Maddy. “The first sight may alarm you, but like I say, the scars will fade in time.”
For a long, nervous moment, Maddy clutched the mirror to her chest, afraid to look, afraid of what she would see. Then, finally, knowing she must, she held the mirror up.
Horrified at the sight reflected there, she gave a cry, dropped the mirror and sobbed as though her heart would break.
Both nurse and doctor thought it best to let her cry it out. Then, after a moment, the nurse collected the mirror and pressed it into her hand. “Look again,” she urged Maddy. “You have to look and see what a wonderful job the surgeons have done. They sewed your ear back on, and repaired all of the other damage. And yes, there are scars, and there will always be faint marks. But they can be disguised, with special makeup, skillfully applied; your hair will grow back where we trimmed it away, and in time the traces of your accident will hardly be noticed.
“Please, look again,” she repeated, “and remember what I said.”
So Maddy looked again, and she remembered what the nurse had told her, but her heart dropped like a stone at the sight of her neck and face. Yes, the ear was sewn back on, and though the skin was raw, it seemed as normal as it ever did, except for the marks all around… deep, meandering, red gashes of skin that spread from the front of her ear into the side of her face and down to her neck. The front of her face was bruised and you could see the line of fine cuts that were fast healing. But the damage to the side of her face and neck was a great shock.
Maddy told herself that, considering how she might have been killed, the awful sight of her face and neck did not matter. But it did. It did!
Silently, she cursed the man who had caused this to happen. But once more, the overriding thought was for Ellen and the baby. As long as they were safe, she kept telling herself, she could live with this disfigurement.
The man she had cursed was already celebrating the news that his instructions to do away with Maddy had finally been executed. “Are you absolutely certain?” he demanded.
Danny assured him, “The Songbird is no more!” Grinning from ear to ear, he boasted, “She won’t ever trouble you again, boss. Oh, I’ll admit things got a bit out of hand, and she got hurt bad in the process. But you said to make her squeal – to tell us where the kid is, and that’s what we tried to do. The trouble was, she weren’t anywhere near as tough as you think, because she croaked too soon.”
“So now you’re saying, we’re not likely to find out where the brat is?” Drayton frowned.
“Sorry, boss. But if you need the information that bad, we can start over, see if we can’t find out who negotiated the adoption?”
Drayton considered that for a moment, then he shrugged carelessly.
“Nah, don’t bother,” he told Danny. “Let the little bastard get off scot-free. To tell you the truth, I’ve got more important things on my mind right now.” Glancing behind him, he seemed unusually nervous.
Danny took that to mean he had been causing trouble and there was some kind of a backlash. He wasn’t surprised.
Steve Drayton had been at the top of the tree for too long. It followed that some bolder, younger villain would be waiting in the wings, ready to take over.
Either way, it was not Danny Boy’s problem. “So, you’ll arrange for me to be paid then?” he asked.
“Have you ever known me to welch on a deal?”
“No.” Danny knew that Drayton usually paid up in matters of this kind.
“Right then. You sit tight and you’ll get your money in due course.”
With that, Danny left, satisfied on all counts.
When Drayton’s woman jumped from that car, she had saved them the job of killing her. The description his men gave him, of her lying dead in the ditch, was not a pretty one.
But hey! What did Danny Boy care? He would have his payment, and his reputation was revived. He went away whistling.
Twenty-three
It was early in July of that eventful year of 1979, that Maddy was allowed to leave Bedford Hospital. She was almost whole in body, but far from whole in mind and spirit. The accident and its aftermath had knocked the stuffing out of her, and she felt more disorientated than ever before in her life. She had lost her home, her child, her lover, her career, and most importantly, her identity. She didn’t even look like herself any more.
The Songbird, she thought dully, would never sing again.
The young nurse Cathy, who had looked after Maddy during her stay in the ward, helped her pack her things and put her medication in a safe place. The Lady Almoner had ensured that Maddy left hospital fully equipped with clothes, shoes and all the other things she needed, for her torn and bloody clothes had been thrown away when she was admitted. Of course, there had been a police investigation into the accident, but they had come up with a complete blank – Maddy saying that she had accepted a lift from a couple in a red car, but had fallen out of it as the back door was not properly closed, due to her own carelessness, and that possibly the driver had not gone to the police for fear that she had died and he might be arrested for manslaughter. The police unwillingly accepted this story, sensing that there was more to it than she was telling, but they were adamant that the driver was guilty for not reporting the accident, which could have led to her dying undiscovered in the ditch.
Fortunately, Maddy was so ill at the time of their questioning that they did not pressurize her. She had given them the Blackpool address – not that they would use it – and h
er name as Sheelagh Mulligan – using dear Alice’s surname – in a feeble burst of self-protection, so that those thugs could not ring the hospitals and find out that she was still alive…
In the complete absence of any visitors, Nurse Cathy had become something of a friend. Maddy had accounted for the lack of visitors by saying that her grandad was too old to make the journey from Blackpool.
Now, as she handed Maddy her toiletries bag to push down the side of the holdall she had been given, Cathy asked, “Will you be all right, dear?”
“Yes – I think so.” But Maddy had no idea where she would end up. All she knew was that she had to get out of here, find lodgings of sorts, and contact Ellen as soon as possible. For now though, it was a milestone too far. She was still very weak.
“I can help, if only you’d let me.” The young nurse was no fool. She suspected that Maddy was a loner, with no roots or family. Using her recovery as an excuse, Maddy had confided very little about herself to anyone.
Lost in gloomy thoughts, Maddy did not hear and thus gave no answer. For endless weeks, this bed and this ward had been her home. Now, she had no idea where she could go – for Blackpool was closed to her, as was Brighill. Her mind went to Brad, and her eyes smarted with unshed tears.
In the depths of despair, she sat on the edge of her bed, her head hanging on her chest and her heart brimming with regrets. Her arms ached to hold her child. Where she had once been filled with optimism, now she was devoid of any ambitions or sense of joy. In fact, she felt like a completely different person – as though Maddy Delaney had been dragged into that car, and someone else had woken in that ditch.
It was a frightening, lonely feeling. So lonely, that for the first time in many months, she began to weep as if her heart would break.
Filled with compassion, Nurse Cathy drew the curtains round the bed, sat down and slid her arm about Maddy’s shoulders. “Let it out,” she advised. “My mother always says if you’re feeling bad, it’s better out than in.”
And so Maddy cried and clung to her, and when at last she was quieter, Cathy asked, very gently, “Where will you go?”
Maddy shook her head and sobbed, “I don’t know.”
The nurse bent her head to look into Maddy’s face. “Please… won’t you let me help? I know where you can get lodgings and wages to help you along, until you sort yourself out. It’s not charity,” she added hastily. “It’s hard work, but it’s regular, and it’s there for as long as you need it.”
This time, Maddy glanced up. “Where?”
“In this very hospital. They’ve been in desperate need of general help for a while now, in the kitchens and on the ward floors. The hospital owns a number of houses; some of them are nurses’ homes, and some are kept for other employees.”
She gave Maddy a cheeky wink. “I happen to know they have a vacant property on North Park Street, which would suit you just fine. It’s within a short bus ride of the hospital, or a twenty-minute walk on a good day. The shops are just round the corner.”
Sensing that Maddy was interested, she went on, “You can explain about your accident, so initially, you’ll be given light and easy duties.” She gave Maddy a friendly nudge. “So, do you want to give it a try? I know it’s not glamorous, but who cares? It’s a job. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to take it.”
Maddy decided to go for it.
That very afternoon, after Nurse Cathy finished her shift, she took Maddy down to meet the kitchen manager, a small beady-eyed woman called Miss Atkins, with a tiny little mouth and sticky-out feet.
There followed a brief interview, then a brisk walk round the main kitchens, which Maddy would be helping to clean. She was told, “Because there is a lot of foot-traffic during the day, the kitchens are best cleaned at nights. Does that pose a problem for you?”
“No, it’s not a problem for me.” In fact, it was ideal.
“Good! Of course, the work is hard… that’s why we currently have vacancies. I’ll give you a month’s trial, starting the day after tomorrow. If you knuckle down and work well, we’ll get on all right. But if I need to reprimand you more than twice, you’ll be out on your ear.”
Nurse Cathy had already explained about Maddy’s terrible accident. “I have no wish to throw you in at the deep end,” Miss Atkins said, less briskly. “You can start with the smaller tasks, then as you get stronger, you can take on some of the more demanding jobs.” She actually smiled. “Don’t worry, dear. I have no intention of working you into the ground. Don’t want to see you back here as a patient!”
The next thing was to arrange somewhere for Maddy to live. The nurse inquired at the staff office about the house on North Park Street, and after a bit of a tussle, and more paperwork and hanging about, they were given the key.
“The house has been unoccupied for two months,” the Personnel Manager told them, closing the big green filing-cabinet drawer. “It will need cleaning and opening up to let the cobwebs blow away.” The man gave no apology. “There’s no doubt it will be damp and univiting. But that’s the way it is, Sheelagh,” she told Maddy. “I’m afraid.”
Thanking her lucky stars for being given a roof over her head, Maddy signed the contract there and then.
Cathy, the nurse, said she would accompany Maddy to the house, but that first, they must go and have a sustaining meal in the staff canteen. Maddy was happy to do this, as she was feeling very wobbly by now.
With its stone mullions and deep Georgian windows, the house had once been a proud dwelling. When they opened the door however, the stench of damp hit the two women like a wall. “Phew!” Cathy led the way, carrying Maddy’s bag. “I’d best give you a hand to get rid of this smell.”
They went from room to room, and each one was the same – damp and dingy, and filled with secondhand furniture that had seen better days.
“We’ll soon have it shipshape and Bristol fashion,” said Cathy, and they did.
An hour later, with the windows having been thrown open to let the bad air out and the fresh summer air in, Maddy could see its potential. Not that she cared about such things any more. This house was a roof over her head, that was all. For now, she needed nothing more, except to be left in peace, allowed to hide from the world and not be a bother to anyone.
Under the sink they found cleaning materials and a round plastic bowl, and out in the yard Maddy located a bucket with its handle missing. But, “It will do the job,” she claimed.
So, the two of them got stuck in, and the old house began to look like a home. “You need bread and milk,” Cathy noted as they cleaned out the cupboards “and food of sorts.”
“I saw a little shop down the road,” Maddy recalled. “I’ll go and get a few things, and sort myself out tomorrow.” When she realized she had not even a penny, the shame enveloped her. “I’m sure they’ll let me have a tab or something, until I get my first week’s wages.”
Cathy would not even hear of it. “You rinse that rusty old kettle out,” she said, “while I go and get a few things to start you off.”
By the time she returned, with eggs and milk and bread, and a few treats like chocolate biscuits and a box of cornflakes for morning, Maddy had not only scrubbed and boiled the kettle twice over, but she had also found a pair of clean sheets in the airing cupboard. “I’ve shaken up the mattress,” she told Cathy, “and I’ve shaken and aired the blanket, so at least I’ve got a bed to sleep on tonight.”
Cathy had an idea. “Why don’t you come back with me to the nurses’ home, just for tonight?”
“I thought nurses weren’t allowed to bring anyone in?” Maddy asked.
“I’ll smuggle you in, if I have to.”
Maddy thanked her, but said, “No, it’s all right. I don’t want to get anyone into trouble. Besides, now that I’ve got a bed and food – for which I shall pay you back when I get my first pay packet, I’ll be fine here. Besides, I’ve got to get used to it, haven’t I?”
The truth was, Maddy had lost all faith
. She did not intend being beholden, or close to anyone, ever again. Whenever she felt good, and came to believe life was giving her a fair chance at happiness, something always knocked her down again.
They ate their biscuits and drank their tea out of chipped cups, but that was okay, because between them, they had secured Maddy a home, and a job, and for that she was immensely grateful.
“How about I call round after work tomorrow,” Cathy offered as she was leaving, “if that’s all right with you?”
Maddy lowered her gaze. The nurse had been so good to her, but, “I’d rather you didn’t,” she told her. “Just now, I need to be left alone to sort myself out… please?”
Cathy nodded. She fully understood. She had seen Maddy come into the hospital, broken in body and spirit, and dangerously close to losing her life. She had seen how the surgeon had carved into the side of her face to mend the damage, and saw the stricken look in Maddy’s eyes as she stared at herself in the mirror. And she knew that, even in her wildest dreams, she could never imagine the physical and mental trauma that this quiet and scared young woman had gone through, and would still have to go through, before she was a whole person again – if ever.
Moreover, she wondered what had happened to her, in the moments before she went into the ditch? Something bad, Cathy was certain. Something that she had never spoken of – to anyone.
They said their fond goodbyes, and afterward, Maddy walked across the room to the fireplace, where she carefully lifted down the old cracked mirror and stood it on the chair. Then, removing the scarf from around her head, she looked deep into the mirror, shocked at the woman who stared back at her.
For a long time, she examined her face, the shorn hair that had flowed long and thick. The thick tramlines of scarring around her ear and down her neck, and tears filled her eyes until she could see no more.
She looked away. But the image was etched into her mind for all time. There would never come a day, she thought bitterly, when she might glance into a mirror and see the same Maddy she had always known. She might never have been conventionally pretty, but she had sometimes felt attractive – and sexy. Brad had loved the way she used to look. The person in the mirror was not Maddy. She was a sad and lonely stranger; someone she did not know, or want to know.
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