ON AIR

by Hadley Quinn

  This is why I hated discussions such as this. No one can predict what will or will not happen. Natalie seemed so confident at the moment, but what would happen if I disappoint her or didn’t live up to her expectations? What would happen when she decides she can get better from someone else?

  “Wow, your mind is in serious overdrive,” she spoke softly while studying me intensely. “Dane, seriously. Why don’t you believe me?”

  “Is this something you really want, Nat? Something steady with me?”

  “It’s called a relationship. And yes. I do.”

  Her eyes on me were severe, almost stubborn. It’s not like I’d never thought about it before, but she’d always been so aloof with me. Maybe Madden really was right about that. Maybe she’d only been that way because I’d set that standard.

  “Have you always felt that way or…?” I really didn’t know how else to finish the question.

  “Well… Maybe since about a year ago,” she replied. “I mean…I think that kind of tipped the scale. That trip to Vegas with all of us?”

  I examined the carpet for a minute because I didn’t want her to witness my confusion. I had no idea what she was talking about. I think Madden and I spent the whole weekend drunk. I’d probably slept with Natalie. Hell, probably a few times. She was the only woman I’d ever trust under those conditions.

  “I know you don’t remember, Dane, but you and I had some really in-depth conversation one night. I never brought it up again, though. I didn’t want to ruin your fun memories from the rest of the weekend.”

  “I really don’t know what you mean, Natalie. What did we talk about?”

  “Your mom,” she whispered. “And…what she did to your dad.”

  11

  My heart dropped into my stomach. There’s no way I would have shared that with anyone else, especially a female. Only Darius and Madden knew.

  “I’m not sure what you mean, Natalie,” I tried to bluff my way out of it. “I’m sure I was just rambling about shit, I was pretty intoxicated that whole weekend.”

  “I know you were, but I feel everything you said was the truth. You’re a bit honest when you’re drunk, Dane. You told me that your mom had an affair and that it lasted for about a year before he found out. You told me that your father never wanted Chloe to know, so you all kept it from her. You also said you never wanted her to know because you didn’t want it to fuck up any relationships she had with other people… like it’s done to you.”

  God, was she seriously reciting all of this to me? I had no fucking clue that Natalie knew this stuff. I’m not sure how things might have been different if I was aware she knew, but it was true, I’d never wanted my sister to find out. Keeping it from anyone she was close to had been one way I could assure that. Even Chris didn’t know.

  “I don’t even know what to say,” I mumbled.

  “You don’t have to say anything,” she answered softly. “But I will be completely upfront with you right now and say that I get where you’re coming from. You had to find out something like that, and then your parents stayed together anyway.”

  “It was fucked up. I couldn’t understand it.”

  “It’s not uncommon. Lots of people stay together for the kids.”

  “I told my dad he didn’t have to just because of us. He said it wasn’t in him to make that call; as long as she was his wife, he had a duty to stay there and raise his kids with her. And he loved her. I know he did. She never asked him for a divorce. He forgave her and they actually worked through it. Doesn’t mean it was paradise, though.”

  “How old were you?”

  I paused for a moment. I knew exactly how old I was because it’d been the day after my birthday.

  “I’d just turned seventeen,” I answered. “I came home from watching a triple-A baseball game. I don’t think they heard me because they were too busy fighting in the kitchen. But I heard my dad ask her how long it had been going on and how she could do something like that. She said she was always trying to talk to him, always wanting to be with him…but his attention was always somewhere else. She said it was nice to finally be around someone who gave her attention; someone who treated her like she mattered.” I sighed. “I ended up dropping my keys on the floor accidentally and they finally realized I was in the living room. Long story from there, but they spent some time working things out. I’m not sure if it was really meant to be, though. My dad tried harder and my mom smiled more but…I think that was just for our sake.”

  Natalie slipped her hand into mine. “Not all marriages are meant to last. I don’t believe in suffering in one if you’re just not happy in it. Sure, it’s hard on the kids…but maybe it’s even harder when everyone is living a lie?”

  I let her words sink in for a minute. She’d hit the nail on the head with that one. It’s the one thing that I couldn’t understand about my parents. I wanted them to just split up instead of dragging things out for Chloe’s sake. I was mad at them both, not just my mom.

  Discussing this particular subject had never been my intention, but I had Natalie here and she was trying to make me bleed some feelings. I could understand how it might help, but I truly feared it was going to do more damage than good. I didn’t need anyone to know how confused I was about people and relationships and what it was all supposed to be like. It made me feel weak.

  “Well it’s in the past and they’re both dead,” I stated. “It is what it is.”

  Her eyes widened, and I could only imagine how fucking heartless that sounded. But how could people go through all of that and then both end up dead in a car accident five years later? It didn’t make sense to me.

  “How come you still haven’t told Chloe?” Natalie asked me. “She’s never spoken of anything like this, and trust me she would if it was something she knew. She wears her feelings for everyone to hear and see.”

  “Because of that very reason. Why would I want to rock her world like that? She’s happy with Chris right now. She’s always chirping about how our parents are in heaven together, happy for eternity. I mean how fucked up would it be if I said, ‘well probably not.’”

  “Dane, she’s twenty-four years old. I’m sure she can handle it.”

  “I’m not going to be the one to affect her future. I just want her to be happy, get married, have the family she wants, and not have all of this shit lurking over her like I’ve had. I don’t want any of that garbage in my life, either.”

  Natalie studied me carefully. “Are you talking about marriage and family?”

  I shrugged. “Yeah. Sure.”

  “Don’t ‘yeah sure’ me. And don’t compare yourself to anyone else’s situation. Unless you’re telling me you’ll be unfaithful, dishonest, and live a lie like they did.”

  I scowled at her. “Fuck no, I wouldn’t. I’m not like that.”

  “I know you’re not, so why do you worry you’re going to repeat your parents’ mistakes?”

  God, I truly wished I didn’t have to be in this conversation right now. It was one thing for Natalie to know shit about my life, but it was another thing to be forced to talk about it.

  “Are you talking about women, Dane? I would never do that to you. I hope to God you believe me because hurting you would be the last thing I ever wanted to do. I think after all this time you and I can just be honest with each other. Does no good to keep secrets.”

  I wanted to bring up her behavior in my office the other day, but then I reminded myself that she eventually did come clean about it. I was still upset with her for getting involved in Derek Danzig’s business, but I also could finally admit to myself it was because I cared about her so much. Just the thought of anything happening to her gave me a sick feeling in my stomach.

  “I believe you, Natalie,” I replied. “You’re the type to call me out on my bullshit, not sweep it under the rug.”

  She finally smiled. “Damn straight. But I’ll also call myself out on my own B.S. right now and apologize for some of the back-and-forth we seem
to go through. I take full responsibility for it, but I’d just like to say…it’s because I care about you, Dane. I feel like I’ve been in limbo with you for so long and…I don’t want it to be that way anymore.”

  I knew what she was asking of me, but was I ready to give in? Once we changed our relationship, there was no going back. I never wanted her to be an “ex” and I wasn’t ready to admit that it could very well turn out that way with her. But I guess it’d been five years with Nat and we were still close. And now that she knew my reservations, maybe it wouldn’t be a bad thing to finally move forward.

  “Alright,” I nodded my head. “Let’s give it a shot.”

  “Are you sure?” She bit her lip with apprehension.

  “You want me to change my mind?”

  She smacked me in the arm. “No! But I don’t want you to feel like I’m coercing you into this.”

  “It’s total coercion and I hold you completely responsible for whatever happens.”

  She eyed me for a moment but then nodded resolutely. “Fine. I’ll take full responsibility for all of the awesome that will come from this.” She slid closer to me and wrapped her arms around my neck. “All joking aside, you’re not going to regret it,” she murmured against my lips before solidly claiming them.

  I laid her back on the bed and continued to kiss her. “So you have time for a quickie, then.”

  She laughed. “Yeah, yeah, quickie and then I’ll slip out the back door so you can enjoy the rest of the game with your friends.”

  Shaking my head, I kissed down her neck. “Nah, that’s not necessary.” To be facetious, I added, “Because your car isn’t here and I’m not leaving the game to take you anywh—”

  “You shit!” she laughed, giving me a good shove but allowing me to pin her hands to the bed. “Mmhmm, just give me that quickie already.”

  ***

  Sunday morning consisted of me trying to convince Natalie to tell me where I could find her brother. She seemed to have changed her mind about letting me get involved, but it was a futile attempt. She’d been in my bed for almost ten hours straight, and I’d been right there with her. I never did go out to watch the rest of the game with the guys.

  Now, as she sat there eating the bagel with cream cheese I brought her, she’d decided to be difficult.

  “Just let me go with you,” she sighed. “He doesn’t know I went to bat for him yesterday. I’m his sister. I should talk to him first.”

  I actually agreed with her. Maybe Davey needed to know there were people on his side, and maybe he especially needed to know he’d put his sister in danger.

  “Okay, get dressed and we’ll go.”

  Natalie had called her brother to see where he was for the day. I was glad he was at home. Made it easier than confronting him at work or somewhere else public. But his roommate was home with him; some dude who looked stoned as fuck right where he sat on the couch in his boxers. The entire apartment smelled like weed.

  When Natalie made a comment about it, Davey blew it off. “That’s his deal, not mine.”

  She gave him a look. “Mmhmm, which is what I want to talk to you about.” She grabbed him by the arm and pulled him into his bedroom. I followed, and after shutting the door behind us, listened to Natalie inform him that she knew he was running drugs for Zig.

  He had no reply until she was completely done, demanding for him to explain himself. Even while Nat had been talking, I could tell Davey was either surprised or scared that she knew.

  At last he said, “You got no right gettin’ in my business like that.”

  “The hell I do!” she yelled at him. “You’re my little brother, Davey. I’m trying to look out for you!”

  “Don’t need you to! Quit trippin’. Stay out of it, Nat.”

  “David…”

  She could probably rip him apart, but she looked to me for help. I gave her a silent command and she left the room, mumbling that she’d be in the car planning another brother’s funeral. When the door slammed behind her, I turned my attention back to Davey.

  “She went to his house last night,” I informed him. “Zig’s.”

  His expression turned from frustrated to flat out panic. “What? Naw, man…” He put his hands on his head and paced the room. When he stopped, he turned to face me. “Real talk, you gotta make her back off, Dane.”

  “Back off? Davey, man, she’s your sister! She’s a fucking mama bear ready to shred some asses! Get the fuck out of that shit and you have nothing to worry about!”

  He remained silent for several seconds before shaking his head. “Make her back off, alright?”

  “You know who you’re dealing with, right? Derek Danzig is not the kind of guy you want to be in over your head with, okay? I knew him in high school. He doesn’t give a shit who you are or what he’s promised you, you’ll never get ahead, Davey. Just back away from it, man. Trust me on this. You need some help with bills or something? I will help you with that. Do not resort to illegal shit.”

  He scoffed. “There’s no way a few bucks here and there is gonna help me right now.”

  “Are you in gambling debt?” I groaned to myself, hoping to God that wasn’t the case. I knew Zig associated with a lot of bad people and bookies were included in that group.

  “No, I’m not in gambling debt. Just stay the fuck out of my business, okay? Natalie has no fucking right to interfere.”

  I grabbed him by the shirt and slammed him up against the nearest wall. “She sure the hell does have the right to interfere!” I barked at him. “This is not just your life at stake here, David. Your sister’s is too! Do not do this to yourself and your family!”

  I wasn’t that much bigger than he was—he was over six foot, as well—but I knew I could be scary as hell when I was pissed off enough. That side of me didn’t come out very often, but when it did, I really needed to watch what I did and said.

  “Get off me,” Davey said, his jaw clenched. “She wouldn’t understand. And intimidating me isn’t gonna get your way.”

  “Are you hooked on this shit?” I asked. “Are you using the garbage you’re dealing?”

  “No!” he growled at me. I let go of him and he defiantly straightened his shirt. “I’m not that stupid. I just need the green paper, alright?”

  “Come by my office on Monday. I’ll give you a job.”

  He scowled at me. “What kind of job?”

  “What does it matter if it’s cleaning toilets? You’ll be making honest money and you’ll be alive.”

  “Alive,” he muttered.

  “There are a million things in this world to look forward to.”

  “Not for trash like me. I come from a broken home; dad gave no shits about any of us. I don’t have your background and all the roads you got. You really think putting on a suit and tie everyday is gonna make up for that?” He scoffed bitterly. “What dream you livin’?”

  This was the part where I needed to take a deep breath and really think about what I was going to say. I was this same shithead when I was seventeen. I used my parents’ situation as an excuse to be reckless and immature, and it almost cost me my future. Davey was a couple years older than that with a different situation; however, I felt my words would apply regardless.

  I took a deep breath and slowly released it. “You think I had life handed to me on a silver platter?” I lifted my shirt and showed him the scar on my chest. “I almost died when I was your age because someone wanted the ten bucks I had in my wallet. I got shot leaving a job interview. I was trying to get a college degree and a part time job to help me through it. What the fuck kind of karma is that? Does it look like I curled up in a pussy ball and gave up? Fuck. No. I missed three weeks of school trying to recover from something I should have died from. You wanna meet the doctors who saved my life? They will tell you firsthand that I’m a miracle. So yes, David, I do have dreams in my life. I made goals and I’ve reached some of them. I didn’t just bend over and let the world shaft me. You cannot cast blame on ev
ery fucking thing. Be a man and face those obstacles with some resolve!”

  He’d been staring across the room during my lecture, but when I stopped, he finally looked at me. “You done?”

  “No I’m not, you little fucker. You get your ass to my office on Monday morning, you hear me? I’m spoon-feeding you that opportunity you so brazenly told me I’ve been privileged to. If your sister can work her ass off to get herself somewhere, then so can you. No excuses!”

  With a glare, he breezed past me and left the bedroom door open. I took that as my cue to leave, especially when he sat down on the couch with his roommate and lit a fucking joint right in front of me as I walked by.

  I certainly wasn’t done with Davey, but there was only so much you could do for someone at one time. I figured step one had been implemented as far as it could right now. He hadn’t seen the last of me.

  When I got to the truck, I could tell Natalie was on edge and she practically pounced on me when I sat down.

  “Everything’ll be okay, stay calm,” I told her.

  She blinked her irritation as I turned the ignition and pulled onto the street. “What? Stay calm? Are you kidding?”

  “You can’t throw the entire book at him at once, Nat. Just let this sink into him for now. I know you love him and you’re worried, but bit-by-bit right now. Okay? Chill out, scrap.”

  She was caught off guard with that, and then cracked up laughing. Yeah, every once in a while I’d toss up a phrase I’d learned from her. She didn’t do it often because she’d been on the west coast for so long now—fifteen years—but every once in a while she’d say one. She still had somewhat of a New York accent if you listened hard enough, but especially when she was mad.

  Nat settled back in her seat as I drove. I was worried she was going to argue with me, but after half a minute, she nodded. “I’m good. Okay.” She exhaled a deep breath of air. “We smell like pot, don’t we?”

  I chuckled, allowing myself to relax a bit. “Yeah, I think we do. Let’s go for a walk somewhere, okay?”