The Ultimate Guide to Kink

by Tristan Taormino

  THE ART OF RESTRAINT

  As I stand there and each piece of rope gets laid across me, my focus changes. I get calmer and breathe deeper, and I can feel each fiber of the rope against my skin. With each layer, he controls more of my body. I bend as he wants me to, my flesh manipulated by his hands and the rope. It is no longer about voluntary compliance. As he taps my inner thigh to indicate I should move it, I hesitate. I know the moment I do move, he will know just how turned on I am from the scent between my legs permeating the air around us.

  —KAITE

  Bondage: rope bondage, cuffs, metal bondage, Japanese bondage, suspension, chastity devices, predicament bondage, mummification, confinement

  Tools: rope, belts, ties, leather restraints, metal cuffs, bondage mitts, chastity belts, collars, leashes, athletic tape and wraps, bondage tape, plastic wrap, arm binders, sleep sacks, body bags, spreader bars, straitjackets, cages

  As you fill in the details of your desires, decide on and communicate your limits within a certain activity; for example: • You love to be slapped and spanked, but not on your face.

  • You’re excited to have hot wax dripped on you, but you don’t want it on your breasts.

  • You checked “yes” under clips and clamps although you have one caveat: no clothespins.

  • You’re game to try sensory deprivation if your partner promises not to put a gag in your mouth.

  • Caning is fun, but no marks on your body that people could see when you wear shorts.

  Now is also the time to tell your partner all relevant information he or she should know about you. Is there anything in your medical history that is serious or will affect the type of play you do? For example, you should let a partner know if you have a heart condition, high blood pressure, diabetes, or allergies. You should talk about medications you take, a sensitivity to hot or cold, if you’re prone to dizziness or fainting, how well you can see without your glasses. Do you have bad knees and can’t kneel for more than 20 minutes? That’s vital information to tell a Dominant before a scene!

  Although it can be difficult, you should also share any specific elements that you know can trigger a negative reaction in you; these may be based on phobias, negative experiences, past trauma, childhood abuse, or strong aversions. They can be about a specific body part, an activity, an implement, a certain word or words. For example, I have a friend who cannot be spanked with a hairbrush because she has awful memories of being punished as a little girl with a hairbrush by her mother. Another friend likes to be called names like whore or bitch in a scene, but draws the line at cow or pig. I know a guy who has an intense fear of being strangled, so even hands around his neck can send him into a tailspin. A woman had a bad first-time experience with nipple clamps and now they give her tremendous anxiety.

  This is important information to know as you decide if you’re going to play with someone, what you’re going to do, and how to construct a scene. This information sharing is part of giving and receiving informed consent; it also helps prepare you to assess the risks and determine how to play safer.

  Safety, Risk, and Responsibility

  The issues of safety and responsibility have been vital for kinky people both personally and politically. People who practice BDSM have long emphasized the importance of mentoring and education so newcomers can learn proper skills before picking up a paddle or a piercing needle. When SM groups first became more visible, and as they continue to grow and get more politically active, kinksters want nonkinky folks to know that they aren’t whip-toting lunatics.

  In 1983, the phrase “safe, sane, and consensual” (abbreviated SSC) appeared in a committee report of Gay Male S/M Activists (GMSMA) in New York; it is widely credited to David Stein, a member of GMSMA.4 The concept of SSC was promoted to accomplish two goals: to articulate the values of a growing community and, as the practice of SM became increasingly visible, to raise awareness among the larger gay community that SM was not the same thing as abuse. Other SM communities and players embraced Stein’s phrase with gusto as a kind of motto, and it quickly became a much-used catchphrase.

  POWER EXCHANGE

  I think I have the classic “businessman syndrome,” where being in control all the time and having to make decisions all the time makes you crave someone else’s control and want to submit. For me it is very freeing to know that my only obligation is to please someone else. Usually I am the one in charge of everything. It’s great to have someone doing that for me.

  —DONNA

  Scene or relationship dynamics: master/slave, domestic servitude, sexual service, personal service, 24/7 D/s

  A decade after it was so widely embraced, some people began to interpret, critique, and debate the concept of SSC; they questioned whether it sanitized SM and was used to shame people who did more “risky” activities. Sex educators encourage people to practice safer sex, by using barriers, testing regularly, and developing other strategies to reduce the transmission of sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Educators emphasize that it’s safer sex—not safe sex—to make the point that all sex comes with some risks. Likewise, critics of SSC wanted to acknowledge that one can take steps to be safer, but there is some kind of risk in all forms of BDSM.

  In 1999, a new phrase was introduced: “risk-aware consensual kink” (RACK).5 RACK continues to emphasize the consensual nature of BDSM while acknowledging that some of its practices are inherently risky (and, in fact, exploring the risks and edges are part of what draws people to them). You can make an informed decision to acknowledge the risks, take steps to reduce them, and proceed. Stein himself later clarified the context and intentions behind the creation of SSC and acknowledged some of its limitations: What we meant by “safe S/M” back in 1983—as the full GMSMA statement of purpose implies—was the opposite of careless, irresponsible, or uninformed S/M. We meant doing your homework and taking reasonable precautions. We never intended to promote only G-rated S/M or to turn the leather scene into a risk-free playpen where pain doesn’t really hurt, bondage isn’t really constraining, and dominance is being ordered to do what you want to do anyway.6

  One way to reduce risk is to use a safeword. Although you negotiate and discuss limits, boundaries, and triggers before a scene, you cannot prepare for everything. It’s simply impossible to predict how you’ll feel during a scene, what will push your buttons, or how something will affect you.

  A safeword is a word—usually one that you wouldn’t normally utter during a scene—that you and your partner choose. Your safeword is your safety net. If you don’t like something that’s happening and you want the scene to stop right away, simply say your safeword. Words like stop or no or please don’t, which we commonly use to communicate this sentiment, may be part of the dialogue of a scene where the bottom wants to resist or be forced to do something. So they are not ideal safewords. The most common safeword is red. Sometimes people pick two different words; for example, red means “stop right now!” and yellow means “please slow down.” If the bottom can’t speak (he has a gag in his mouth or she is supposed to perform oral sex until you tell her to stop) or the music is really loud in the dungeon, agree on a safe signal instead. For instance, you can have the bottom hold something in her hand during a scene; if she drops it, that means stop.

  Another way to reduce risk is to know what you’re doing. Luckily, there is a tremendous emphasis on education in the BDSM community, so take advantage of the resources around you. Learn proper techniques, ask fellow practitioners, attend classes and demonstrations by BDSM educators, and practice skills under the guidance of someone experienced. Learn the risks, the common mistakes that people make, and what is most likely to go wrong. The chance to get some hands-on practice with an experienced person is even better. Don’t get tipsy or do drugs, then decide to try out your new flogger. It’s just like lots of things in life: Cut yourself some slack. Give each other the benefit of the doubt. Use common sense.

  Some players believe in what’s called consensua
l nonconsent , an oxymoron and impossibility by legal definitions, but a concept that makes perfect sense to those who subscribe to it. The idea behind consensual nonconsent is that partners don’t want to go through a list and map out each and every thing that will happen or consent to activities individually. Rather, they want to state their limits, turn their will over to a Dominant, top, or sadist, and trust in where a scene goes. They want to waive their right to revoke their consent or stop in the middle of a scene. In fact, they agree in advance that something might happen that they don’t want or enjoy, or they may be forced to do something that is beyond their comfort zone, and they’re okay with that. You can read more about this idea in Chapters 15, 16, 18, and 19.

  I have seen people push the limits of themselves and their partners. Like the leatherman who used only rope to suspend his slave from a tree. The mistress who used a razor-sharp scalpel to create a decorative cutting on her boy’s flesh. Or the daddy who put her entire hand inside a girl’s ass. It might sound like scary stuff when you read it on the page, but no one was harmed during those scenes or hundreds of others I’ve watched. Do you know what is the most common injury at a BDSM conference? A sprained ankle. From walking. It’s true!

  Communication

  I’ll admit my bias right up front: I think a lot of kinky people are better at communicating their erotic wants, needs, and limits than a lot of nonkinky people. Notice I didn’t say all. Communication is a crucial component to an empowered and fulfilling sex life, and it happens to be a big part of kink. People who get lots of play are the ones who are able to say what they want, put it out there, and negotiate scenes and relationships; it helps that within the community there are people around you modeling the behavior and there are workshops on how to do it more effectively. People talk, for minutes, hours, days, or even months, before they play. They negotiate, ask questions, and reveal themselves.

  BRAIN SEX

  I’m walking out of a store, it’s late at night. I unlock the car and slide in, shut the door, and suddenly there is a knife at my throat. I can see a bit of the rearview mirror and a figure in black. A rough deep voice tells me to shut up and drive. We pull up at a warehouse and a couple other guys all dressed in black, faces covered, come out and drag me from the car. I fight but it does no good. Someone puts a chloroform rag over my nose and mouth to stop me from screaming and fighting. The world goes dark…

  I come to, and my wrists and ankles are bound and something is in my mouth. I can’t see anything but I feel cold wires of some kind underneath me. I feel hands all over me, I realize I am in only my bra and panties. So many hands—grabbing, feeling, slapping—and voices insulting me. I feel the sharpness of a knife blade. One of them pulls something off my head, a hood. As I try to focus, still groggy, I see figures. I’m in some kind of dark creepy warehouse. My vision is clearer and I realize I am bound to an old rusty metal bed. The wires I feel are the bare springs of a mattress. I try to scream and can’t. As I tug on the binds, I realize it’s duct tape and I am not getting out of it.

  —KYLIE

  Role play and psychological play: animal role play, age play, taboo play, mindfuck, interrogation, objectification, humiliation, kidnapping, orgasm control/denial, forced cross-dressing, medical play

  Tools: imagination, costumes, props

  During a scene, communication can be more of a challenge. Certainly you could do a scene where you speak freely and give your partner feedback, like this: • Can you slow down a little?

  • Oh, the cane stings more on my thighs than my butt.

  • How does this flogger feel compared to the one I just used on you?

  • I really like the needles in my chest.

  • That dildo’s too big. Do you have the blue one?

  • You reacted a lot more when the wax came close to your neck.

  • Shall I adjust the nipple clamps? Can you take them just a little tighter?

  But there may be circumstances that prevent this kind of open dialogue. If you’re striving to maintain a strong D/s dynamic in the scene, then a submissive’s feedback needs to be more cleverly solicited and spoken. In fact, you can reinforce the power dynamic while communicating. Have the submissive ask for each slap of your hand, count each stroke of the cane, or even beg for the next drop of hot wax. Instruct the submissive to add some “Pleases” and “Thank yous” after each one or make him count each paddle strike. Not only does this move the scene along nicely, it gives the submissive the opportunity to communicate his state of mind. If he begins to wince or hesitate as he speaks, he may be nearing his limit.

  Similarly, if you’re in a role-playing scene, you want to stay in role. A student doesn’t say to the teacher, “Do it harder!” just as a victim doesn’t tell his attacker “Please slow down.” Plus, (human) ponies and (adult) babies can’t talk at all! Or maybe a bottom wants to be taken on a journey, and neither of you want there to be a lot of back-and-forth chat. You want to lose yourself in the rhythm of the flogging, the sensation of the singletail against your skin, or the feet you plan to worship before you. In some kinds of scenes, a bottom is flying so high that he slips into deep “subspace” (a trancelike state some bottoms can achieve, especially in a heavy scene, that often leaves them incoherent). In these situations, eye contact and nonverbal communication are critical. As a top, your ability to read your bottom’s body language is essential. Pay attention to the bottom’s breathing rate, facial expressions, how his body reacts to sensation, and whether the reaction changes. Use your judgment about whether something should continue, ratchet up, or wind down.

  INTO THE FLESH

  “I don’t want any pink ones—that’s way too big for me,” I told her.

  She replied, “Okay, no pink ones.” She told me to take my shirt off as she snapped on a pair of blue nitrile gloves.

  She rubbed down my chest with alcohol, looked me in the eye with alarming concentration, and told me to take a deep breath. The first needle felt good—a brief prick, then a smooth sliding underneath my skin as the needle penetrated me. I looked down and there it was, a sharp and shiny point that disappeared into a strip of raised skin then came out the other side capped with a blue plastic tip. It was on my chest above my left breast, and it soon had a twin on the right side. She continued moving down my chest, inserting needle after needle. There were some that were so smooth they slid right in with a sensation very much like a finger in a wet pussy. There were some that were slower or deeper and made me squeeze Daddy’s hand really hard as she whispered in my ear, “That’s a good girl. Breathe. Deep breaths. There you go.”

  Body modification: play piercing/temporary piercing, suture play, stapling, saline inflation, permanent piercing, cutting, branding

  Tools: piercing needles, sutures, sterile staples, scalpels, branding tools

  Aftercare

  What happens after a scene is just as significant as what goes on during it. Think about it: you’ve just had an intimate experience with someone, and you need to make sure she is all right physically and mentally. Whether you play like you have in the past, do something for the first time, explore a new dynamic, or push harder than ever before, it’s wise to check in with each other. A scene is like an extraordinary date, a highflying adventure, or a one-of-a-kind experience—one or both of you are likely to be flooded with endorphins afterward. You might feel energized and excited, worn out and beat down, or, seemingly inexplicably, both. You may be lightheaded or feel like you’ve run a marathon or seen God. You may feel exuberant, meditative, vulnerable, anxious, giddy, confused, scared, transcendent, or dumbfounded at what just happened. These sensations are all completely normal and quite common. Let the feelings, even the scary or overwhelming ones, wash over you. Take a deep breath.

  Imagine you’ve doled out a heavy caning that tested the limits of your partner’s body, pain tolerance, stamina, and perseverance. You just gave it, and good—now take care of the person who took it. If you’re the top, part of your responsibility i
s to ensure the well-being of your bottom. First address some basic needs with questions like these: Do you need to use the restroom? Do you want to stand up (or sit down—because your bottom has been kneeling or standing for an hour during a scene)? Do you want to leave the play space and go somewhere more private, quieter, more comfortable? Are you too warm or too cold? Do you need a blanket or change of clothes? Offer water or another beverage to make sure the bottom stays hydrated and a snack to combat low blood sugar, especially if the scene involved heavy physical play. As part of your negotiation process, you should discuss any specific needs you might have after a scene. That way, you can come prepared rather than scrambling to find an energy bar or a sweatshirt for someone who needs it right away.

  Some partners want to process their experiences and feelings about the scene right away, so you need to be prepared to do that; people may have a lot of different emotions afterward. Be ready to listen, validate, and comfort. Some people want sex play, making out, or some sweet cuddling as part of aftercare. Others need a few kind words, a hug, and a lollipop, and they’re on their way. After an intense scene, people also like to follow up with a check-in a day or two later; often, right after a scene, you’re still in the afterglow, but feelings may come up later that you want to discuss. Bottom drop is a common experience where, after the high of a scene wears off (which can take hours or days), a bottom suddenly feels sad, depressed, anxious, lonely, or confused. If you experience this drop, the antidote is often just to reach out to partners, friends, and loved ones for support and reassurance.