The Ultimate Guide to Kink

by Tristan Taormino

  We sat back down and continued eating. Jack squirmed in his seat and said in a small voice, “That was role play, wasn’t it?”

  Peggy and I laughed and assured him that it truly was role play. Jack breathed a sigh of relief and said, “This is really good food.”

  Now that you are all warmed up and you have your endorphins flowing from a spanking, you may want to try canes. Caning was traditional for severe punishment in the Victorian era and in the British school system, so canes can be the center of some great role play opportunities. Because of their perceived severity, canes have developed a reputation as the “scariest” of all BDSM impact toys, but a caning can be light and sensuous or heavy and painful—it’s all about how you wield the cane. Learn how to use a cane properly, build your skills, and you can control the sensations you create. As with spanking, some people get very turned on by being caned and others can orgasm from a caning.

  The first order of business is to select a cane. Traditional canes are made of rattan, not bamboo or wood, and should be able to bend significantly. Don’t be put off by a cane that is not straight. But while they usually have a curve, canes should always flow in a straight line without any bends. A cane should not wobble when you swing it. You should buy a cane from a store (rather than online or through the mail), so you can test different types. Canes vary in length anywhere from 20 to 36 inches long. Shorter ones are best for novices because they are easier to control; longer ones allow you to hit with more force. The diameters also range from very thin and whippy to much thicker and thumpy. Thinner canes feel stingy and thicker canes feel thuddy. Everybody has different preferences. Some people like both. Maybe they like starting with the thuddy and then moving into stingy after they are warmed up. Check out the tip of the cane to be sure it is well rounded. I also appreciate a comfortable handle. To test a cane, swish it through the air (not too hard or it will break). Does it travel in a smooth line? Give it a quarter turn in your hands and try again. Keep trying until you find the most effective way to hold it. Be sure not to grip the cane too tightly.

  Canes are either varnished or left natural. Which one you pick is a matter of taste, but both do require some maintenance. Canes are organic roots from the earth and they dry out. Natural canes need to be treated with water—just soak them in the bathtub. Varnished canes have their moisture sealed in, but sometimes that seal cracks. Just sand the tip and stand the cane up in some linseed oil for a few days, and it will soak up the moisture. You can reseal it with some varnish or clear nail polish.

  Canes made from synthetic materials are technically rods, not canes, but they are striking implements, so I include them in the discussion. Synthetic rods are dense, for harder and more penetrating hits. They need a lot less maintenance than canes and are easy to clean. Look for a rod made of Delrin, Lexan, or fiberglass—acrylic rods are more likely to break.

  Caning Techniques

  Before you hit someone you love with a cane, you may want to practice with an inanimate object, like a pillow. The nap on a velvet pillow can show where your strokes are landing, which is useful for you to see. Or you can use baby powder on the tip of the cane to see where it lands on a dark-colored pillow. Practicing with a pillow can help you to develop your technique and build your confidence.

  As with spanking, the traditional position for having your ass caned is bent over. This offers up a nice big target to strike. Caning someone who is standing upright is much more difficult, as there is less surface area. The person receiving the caning could also lie flat on the bed—this can be very relaxing for a serious caning. As in spanking, you want to build up gradually, not too hard and not too fast. If you just start out hitting hard, your partner will likely use her safeword to stop the scene and may be totally turned off to doing any more caning scenes. Warm up with a nice spanking and ease into light taps with the cane. Get those endorphins flowing.

  Caning is best on the sweet spot with the lower portion of the cane landing in the middle on both ass cheeks at once. The tip should not go beyond the meat of the ass. The upper thighs—front, back, and insides—can also be caned. The fold between the butt and thighs is safe but can be painful. Stay away from bony areas, especially the tailbone. Do not hit above the top of the ass crack, because there’s soft tissue there as well as the sciatic nerve. It is best to hit too low rather than too high, but never so low as to hit the backs of the knees.

  When starting a caning session, begin with light taps. Do not use a death grip on the cane. Hold it lightly, so it almost swivels in the hand. As you ramp up the scene, use more wrist action. After a while, you can start using your forearm. Once a bottom is warmed up—and how long that can take is different for everybody—you may be able to do full strokes. Because canes are so flexible, a hard stroke can bend the cane 90 degrees or more. The tip travels very quickly—only a singletail travels faster. Accuracy is crucial: a mis-hit is very painful and can be dangerous. The most common error is wrapping, where the tip of the cane goes beyond the meat of the ass, wraps around the butt, and strikes the side of the hip. Some people don’t have a lot of padding there, but regardless, it is not an erotic spot to hit. Wrapping happens because the top’s body dynamics change when going from a warm-up to a full strike. The tendency is to move your body, the cane, or both farther forward toward the bottom, which can make the cane wrap. Avoid wrapping by compensating and stepping back a little. Beginning caners can also use padding as extra protection for the person being caned. Put your bottom in a long corset or a weight belt or between two pillows; these accessories and the pillows on either side can protect from mis-hits and wrapping.

  When the strike lands, the bottom does not experience the sensation immediately. It takes a while for the sensation to dissipate. The strike lands, there is a little pause, and then the bottom feels it: a hot pain that radiates outward. Timing is key: space out the strokes, or else your partner will go numb and won’t feel anything. Wait about 12–18 seconds, before the pain goes away, and then strike again. I like to ask my partners to tell me when the sensation has gone away. You may be surprised at how long it lasts. You can also watch your partner and wait for him to relax his butt muscles. Again, feedback is so important. Watch her move. Listen to her breathing. Deep, careful breathing is good; short, choppy breathing is not. Strike on the bottom’s exhale. I like to match their breathing and get into a rhythm.

  My favorite way to ascertain how hard the strikes are is to ask partners to rate a hit from 1 to 10. As the scene moves forward, a strike that was rated as a 7 eventually becomes a 3! Vary the strikes. Hit a few medium strikes and then do a heavier one. A snappy blow that is pulled back a bit just before impact will sting more. Follow through past the impact for more thud and penetration. Touch, rub, or caress the butt or genitals between strokes.

  As with spanking, you can add dildos, butt plugs, and vibrators for pleasure. One of my play partners likes to rub himself up against pillows while I am caning him in bed. We get into a rhythm: stroke of the cane, a slight pause, and then he writhes against the pillow slowly. Then he gets back into a position where I can cane him again. It’s very sexy.

  Like rhythmic spanking, rhythmic caning can produce orgasms. Once, during a good caning scene with my girlfriend, I saw her breathing change and her body stiffen, so I backed down. The next day, she told me that if I had kept going, she would have come. I had mistaken her reactions for distress. The next time we played, I watched her and realized that, yes, she was working her way up to an orgasm. I kept up the rhythm and she came.

  Sensuous spanking does not usually incur a lot of bruising, especially after a nice slow warm-up, but it can happen. However, most people do bruise from a good caning. Everyone’s body responds differently. Some people love the bruises. They are “souvenirs” or reminders of a good time. Some people like to look at them in the mirror or show them off. To lessen bruising, apply cold during the first 48 hours afterward; after that, apply heat. Keep the skin moisturized with some nice lotion.
Arnica from the health food store also heals bruising.

  FLOGGING

  In any dungeon, the most ubiquitous item in BDSM toy bags is the flogger. This toy is popular because it can provide a wide variety of sensations. Most people have several floggers because it’s so hard to pick just one.

  Choosing a Flogger

  Look at the handle. Many traditional floggers have braided leather handles with knots. Does this work look tight and even? Other floggers may have wooden handles. How does it feel in your hand? Does the weight of the handle versus the tails feel balanced in your hand? The length and diameter of the handle should feel proportionate to the tails. Try swinging the flogger to see if it is ergonomic for your body. Decide what feels best to you. If you have small hands, a larger-diameter handle may not feel secure in your hands. Just as a tennis racket should fit your hand and your body, so should a flogger. But not all floggers will fit your body the same way either; picture how a badminton racket feels right yet is different from a tennis racket that also feels right.

  Your other consideration is the tails of the flogger. How long should your flogger be? The longer tails travel a greater arc from you. They provide more impact, but also require more strength from you. Shorter tails are often better for beginners because you can have better control for accuracy. A shorter length is also better for tight spaces, like a bedroom with a ceiling fan. If you do acquire a flogger that is too long for you, do not cut the tails: you will ruin the balance of the whip. It is best to trade the flogger with a friend or give it away as a gift.

  What material should the flogger’s tails be made from? Of course, leather is classic, but there are many kinds of leather. Deerskin, elk, and lambskin are lightest and softest; oil-tanned leather and bullhide are heavier. Cowhide can range in weight from light to heavy depending on the thickness of the leather. Buffalo and bison are thick but not as dense and give the most thud.

  There are also other materials available. Rubber is quite severe. The rubber grips the skin and pulls it away from the body. Bunny fur is light and fluffy. Horsehair is very scratchy (and it’s even more intense when wet). Vegans prefer floggers made from plastic or rope. Different people prefer different sensations. Most people prefer “sting” or “thud.”

  Most floggers have about 18 to 26 tails, but they can range from as few as four up to 150 for a specialty “mop,” which is extremely thuddy. The tips of the tails can be rounded or cut diagonally to a point. Pointy tips offer more sting.

  Cats have braided tails. They are lighter in weight and do not take as much power to use, but they give a real bang for the buck. The tighter they are braided, the more sting they impart. For greater severity, the ends can be knotted. Flat braids allow more contact with the edges of the tails and can be especially mean.

  All these types of floggers feel different. Most people have a variety of floggers so that they can vary the sensation during a scene. They may begin with a deerskin flogger for warm-up, progress to cowhide, and escalate to something heavier. Ask your partner what she likes. An experienced bottom can tell you exactly what she prefers and may even own her own floggers. A novice may not know what he likes, and it is best to start with something light like a deerskin flogger. A deerskin flogger is also very good for a novice top, because you can’t do too much damage with it.

  The Three Tenets of Flogging

  Janette Heartwood was one of the best flogger-making artisans in the country. She taught that a good flogging scene incorporated Accuracy, Intensity, and Connection.

  Accuracy

  Accuracy means that the flogger lands where you intend it to strike. Practice your swing without hitting your partner. Get a nice smooth consistent “throw.” Move an inch closer to your partner and keep throwing the flogger. Watch and estimate where it will land. Adjust your throw so that it will land in the right area. Continue to inch closer until the flogger strikes. At this point, you should be hitting with just the tips. As you move closer, you will connect with more of the “meat” of the tails.

  Accuracy is important, not just because you want to control where you hit, but also because it allows your partner to relax and trust you. In order to enjoy the sensation, your partner needs to be confident that you know what you are doing. However, nobody is perfect. You will miss your mark at times. It is important to acknowledge these times. I might say, “Oh, that was a little high. I’m sorry,” and caress the area before continuing. This is critical, because if the bottom thinks you did not realize you made a mistake, she’ll worry that you will err again. You don’t want her to worry about your technique; you want her to relax and enjoy.

  Even a very experienced player sometimes hits wrong. I used to really beat myself up about that. And then I played with a very experienced bottom who complimented me on my skill. I remarked that I had hit him high a couple of times. He told me that I had hit him hundreds of times and those two misses made me 99 percent accurate. I have since stopped criticizing myself for not being perfect.

  Intensity

  Strike gently at first using a short, soft flogger. You can gradually hit harder as you gain skill and confidence. Starting slow also gives the bottom a warm-up, a chance to acclimate to the blows. What feels painful in the beginning may be very pleasurable after the warm-up. Gradually ramp up using longer and either more thuddy or more stingy floggers. Ask your partner if he likes the sting or the thud. Experienced bottoms know what they like; novices will need to try different sensations to learn what they like. Vary your strikes: fast and slow, tips and meat of the tails. Experiment with different ways to throw the flogger. What feels good to you? And what feels good to your partner?

  Your partner should be giving you feedback, telling you what feels good and what does not. Remember that much of this feedback will be nonverbal, in the form of body language. Often you can read this body language, but sometimes your partner may move in a way that you can’t interpret. It is okay to ask! A movement one bottom makes to process a sensation that feels good, like stamping his feet, could be the reaction of another bottom when it does not feel good. Everybody reacts differently.

  Guy Baldwin speaks of a cycle that begins with the top striking. The bottom takes the strike and processes it. Then the bottom responds. Finally, the top reads the response and decides how and when to strike next. This cycle happens very quickly and those who may be watching are unable to see the communication that is occurring.

  Connection

  Flogging is like riding a bicycle. When you first get on a bike, you are worried about just staying upright. You are overwhelmed with steering, braking, and just getting it to go forward without crashing. After some practice, you begin to really ride—you hop on and stop thinking about how to maneuver the bike. You enjoy the wind in your hair and you’re able to take in the scenery. Likewise, once you get comfortable with the mechanics of flogging, you are free to enjoy a flogging scene in which the flogger is simply a tool that enables you and your partner to take an ecstatic ride together.

  A powerful flogging is a way to explore strength. It can build confidence and self-esteem through the challenge of taking it, which can be very exciting and satisfying. It can be a means of catharsis, letting go and clearing the mind and the heart. The afterglow of a good flogging is both physical and emotional. Both the bottom and the top feed off this energy that they create together.

  Impact play, whether spanking, caning, flogging, or any combination of these, can enhance your sex or just be fulfilling by itself. Try these activities and see how they work for you. It is different for everybody. And it can vary each time you do it.

  Author’s Note: I learned all this from various people in the BDSM community, and I am still learning. I wish to acknowledge Jo Arnone, Guy Baldwin, Hilton Flax, Janette Heartwood, Conrad Hodson, Michael from Paddles, Constance Slater, and Sharrin Spector.

  CHAPTER 3

  HOW TO TRAIN YOUR SEX SLAVE

  LAURA ANTONIOU

  One of the greatest misconceptions in
the world of sadomasochism and dominance and submission is the role of a sex slave or pleasure slave. Whenever I meet someone who says they’re a sex slave, I know they mean two things: 1) they don’t do housework, and 2) they have sex with their top.

  Obviously, there’s a problem with this definition of sex slave, and that’s the absence of the whole “slave” part. Frankly, it’s rarely the fault of the would-be slave; they have been clear about their limits and preferences. I am not that fond of housework myself, and if all a top wants is sex, that is generally an easy thing to provide. But let’s face it—most adult sexual relationships involve people having sex with each other. A sex slave differs from the slave who polishes the silver in that the single most important task of a sex slave is to aid their top in the pursuit of orgasms. Making it kinky, different, and within the realm of dominance and submission is the trick. That’s where you—the responsible, clever, demanding, knowledgeable, sexy, and above all, dominant top—need to take on the awesome powers of your role. (And, coincidentally, get the best sex of your life, while pleasing your partner or partners at the same time. What a bargain, right?)

  First, let’s get some concepts organized here. I assume that there is a working adult relationship between two or more people who consent to at least one of them taking the controlling and dominant role: the top (also called mistress, master, lord, lady, dominant, daddy, mommy, Ruler of the Universe, etc.). At least one other person has agreed to take the position of the submissive partner, who has given leadership and authority to the top, and a certain amount of trust. That is the role I call the bottom (also known as the slave, submissive, boy, girl, pet, etc.). People who meander from one side to the other are called awesomely sexy—or, sometimes, switches.