The Ultimate Guide to Kink

by Tristan Taormino

  NEGOTIATING WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, WHY

  Consent is a primary requirement, one of those big “duh!” items. But you also need to negotiate what your arrangement will look like. Is this a full-time thing? Does it only apply to weekends when you are together? Is it limited to a certain list of behaviors and themes and to certain times and places? How much time can the top reasonably require the bottom to give to this training, considering other responsibilities and restrictions on their time? Can the top punish the bottom for missing the mark, and if so, how? The more parameters you talk about before you start, the fewer times you will need to put up the “time out” signal and have a “What the fuck was that about?” conversation. No one wants to have those.

  In your negotiation, you should both understand why you want to start a sex slave training program. The first—and best—reason should be to have better sex. Other good reasons might include the romance of dominance and submission, the excitement of playing with power, the fun of role playing, the satisfaction of learning something new and discovering these things together. In a world that is unfair and often arbitrary and cruel, the ability to escape into the timelessness of our erotic relationships is priceless; a system where excellence and goodness are rewarded and correction and punishment are given with trust and affection is an added bonus. So, talk about it and come up with some reasons why you want to train a sex slave, why your slave wants to be so trained.

  You probably think you know what sex is. Here’s the working definition I use: Sex is any activity that increases the potential for orgasm.

  Pick up your jaw. Surely you didn’t think sex was limited to “When two perverts love each other very much, the boy pervert puts his penis into the girl pervert…”? Once you expand sex beyond heterosexual procreation, it can get deliciously tricky. Yes, blow jobs are sex! So is cunnilingus, anal sex, fucking between the thighs and between the tits, and hand jobs. So is telling your partner a story while she uses a vibrator. So is a long spanking, Japanese bondage, dancing the tango, masturbation, dirty talk—you get the picture.

  We can’t limit ourselves to activities in which orgasm is always or even usually achieved. If we relied on that definition, many women never have sex while being vaginally penetrated. Also, those with limited sensation in the lower genitals might never achieve orgasm, and yet feel pleasurable sensations from sexual activities.

  Already, the potential for being a sex slave is growing—can you see it? A sex slave should aid in any activity that increases the potential for the top to have an orgasm. But it’s still not a complete picture, because it is missing the single element required to make it work—the active and controlling role of the top.

  “But all I want is for them to have sex with me when I want to!” This is the usual cry from tops who are not quite sure what to do with someone as wonderful as a potential sex slave. This is not entirely about a lack of imagination: for many people, a partner or two who will have sex with us any time we want is enough of a fantasy to make for many happy years. The challenge—and part of the pleasure—for a good top is not only to enforce their sexual will upon their loving slave when they want sex, but how they want it. This is made possible by a training regimen that includes exercises, assignments, rewards, and punishments.

  Training is by its very nature an act of authority and dominance. Tops should strive to use any tool they can to evidence their authority; otherwise their slaves will wind up running things. Don’t believe me? Sit back and wait, and you will see how many slaves cheerfully take control of a situation. If that makes you happy, and it makes them happy, you can skip this chapter and move on to another topic. But if you want a more structured relationship where the top is actually applying dominance and the bottom is actually submitting to the top’s authority, give training a try.

  Dominant/submissive relationships and play styles are a very common kink, and subject to a lot of misinformation. Do not be misled by well-meaning people who tell you that you need to be full-time, 24/7, total-power-exchange, whatever the new trend is, to do it “right.” The tips in this chapter are guidelines—use them the way you might use a recipe on the back of a box of spaghetti. It might work for you as is—or you might want a dash more basil, fewer pine nuts, or a ton of extra cheese. You need to make the relationship that fits you and your partners best, not the one that sounds good in Internet chat rooms. Whether you do this to spice up date nights, on alternate weekends, only when on vacation, or anytime you can find the energy and privacy, just make sure you do it when it makes you happiest.

  EXERCISES AND ASSIGNMENTS

  The first step in training a sex slave is to identify your ultimate goal. Yes, “The slave should please the mistress at all times,” sounds very nice in the abstract, but strive for specific goals on a more narrow track. Training, like the rest of our kinky relationship styles, is above all personal. Never try to use someone else’s training program! What do they know about your preferences, your style, your relationship, your lovers? Nada, zilch, zip. Using their training would be like using their underwear; it might look like it fits, but wouldn’t you rather have your own?

  So, start out with something you enjoy, a pleasure your slave might become better at providing. Let’s say a mistress really enjoys having her pussy licked, and her slave is adequate at pussy licking, but perhaps not inspired. The goal is to get the slave up to speed on cunnilingus.

  Next, the top determines what exercises you can use to improve the slave’s linguistic talents. Of course, some exercises will be personal and sexual: “Lick me there. Harder. Swirl your tongue. Now, suck my clit.” These instructions, delivered while the slave services the top, are the most obvious start of a training program. You can also deliver instructions before you practice the act. “Using your tongue like a brush, spell out all the words to ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ on my clit, and suck on my labia during the instrumental parts.”

  But there’s no need to stop there. How about including others in the training? If you are polyamorous or nonmonogamous, bring in a special teacher, or someone to practice with, or on. Or bring in some inanimate teachers—dildos to stand in for cocks, little candies for clits, pillows and balloons for skills in beating, shaving, body painting, whatever floats your boat. Due to the restrictions on nudity and sexual behavior in public, sexuality educators have found many ingenious ways to demonstrate erotic techniques on and with objects. Feel free to use their tricks for your own training program. Of course, you can also send your slave to attend classes and workshops given by others and report back to you on what they learn. An order to learn something is an assignment.

  Assignments can be brief and amusing, like “Find ten slang terms for cunnilingus.” They can include more serious research, as in “Read this book on anal sex and fisting.” Or they can consist of directions to practice a technique: “Massage five people at next weekend’s fetish frolic.” They can be geared toward a specific act, or even to a style of behavior. Suppose you and your partners love the fantasy of an Edwardian household, complete with high teas and fancy clothing and strict master/servant roles. Assign your sex slave to find the right clothing, and set the scene for the grand, formal tea-service-and-caning you schedule for your next big date night. Or have them read some nice Victorian porn to you, posed on their knees while you sip your tea or brandy.

  When training expands beyond the realm of sexual techniques and encompasses role playing and other behaviors, the world likewise grows tenfold. Suppose it’s not just the sex and play and fucking the top enjoys, but the attitude of the bottom that makes her so much more ecstatic. Maybe you enjoy a cringing, fearful victim for your diabolic schemes as opposed to a fancy-free happy slut! Or, perhaps the formality of the whole “Yes, my lord and master” role play is more to your taste than “Sure, honey, right after I worm the cat.” Either way, giving the bottom an order to behave the way you like for a set amount of time is a great way not only to use that authority of yours but to set yourselves up for some grea
t flirting.

  Flirting? Why not? Flirting should not end just because you have an established relationship. And erotic role play, whether full-time or fit-into-your-busy-lives-whenever-you-have-the-time-and-privacy-to-enjoy-it, is flirtatious, sexy, and its own reward. So tell your slave, “On Saturday, all day, I will be holding you captive; tremble and obey!” That is an assignment that should be received with pleasure and anticipation. The worst that can happen is a few giggles. These can be survived.

  An important thing to remember when developing training exercises around role playing and fantasy games is to make sure everyone is on the same page. Parent/child role playing is very popular, whether it’s a naughty boy getting spanked over Mommy’s knee or Daddy’s precocious little slut trying to find out what happens when she does this. But if the Daddy in question wants a precious girly partner who will climb on his lap and kiss him shyly and tease him with her white panties, but the little girl in question wants Daddy to sneak into her bedroom at night and hold her down in the dark while saying terrible things—this will not be a good date, let alone an example of good training.

  REWARD AND PUNISHMENT

  The next step in developing your personal training program is to figure out what to do when your slave 1) does things wrong, and 2) does things right. Both of these are fun and will improve your sex and play and enhance your dominant/ submissive roles.

  Your two responses are called punishments and rewards, and yes, I meant it when I said both are fun. If you are not having fun doing something in your relationship, then don’t do it! One thing some people seem not to understand about these ways of enhancing our lives and our partnerships is that they are all optional; none of them should be a burden. And this includes the scary concept of punishment.

  Remember, the goal of your training program is to improve your sex life and enhance dominance and submission. Your submissive partner already wants to please you, and already gets pleasure out of doing so, as a volunteer. The ability to punish him for doing something wrong is what shows that you, the top, are the one in authority. It also shows that the top is paying attention, which is perhaps even more important. Everyone likes to be the center of attention—bottoms more than most people, even if they insist otherwise.

  Suppose the bottom has been engaged in a strict training program in toe sucking, also known as shrimping. This specific fetishy behavior can be very tricky to master, despite seeming sort of obvious. (Take toe into mouth. Suck. Repeat.) Problems can arise, however, if the toe suckee is also ticklish, or likes specific tonguing behavior, or wants special attention paid to one toe over the others, or wants a massage with the hands at the same time, or, well, anything else. One fine and sexy night, the bottom forgets the vital instruction to cup the top’s heels in both hands while lovingly laving the little piggies. When the top comes out of her postorgasm stupor (if she gets that far without this critical bit of stimulation) she can announce with glee—or dire and stern mien, if that’s her style—that the bottom, having failed to be completely pleasing, is now subject to punishment.

  This point in the scene is a good reminder of why partners need to complete their consent and negotiation way ahead of time. But even if the bottom draws the line and says, “Nope, no hitting me or making me stand in the corner. No one puts Baby in the corner,” for whatever good reasons he may have, the top can usually come up with some way to express a negative and dominant reaction to an error or failure that does not bring up bad memories, make the bottom feel dumb or unattractive, or in any other way betray the positive and sexy aspects of their relationship. For some people, it’s as easy as “Do it again, slave!” Or it might require more creativity, such as: “To make amends for your toe sucking catastrophe, you will have to attend the next chick flick/action adventure movie with me and not whisper a single catty thing during the whole show.” Believe me, they’d probably prefer that you spanked them.

  If, however, spanking (or other sex and play activity) is on the table, punishment becomes what I call “another excuse to play.” If your relationship is more formal, make the punishments very different from what you use for fun. Bring out the canes if you normally use your open hand, or the steel handcuffs if you normally use the soft leather cuffs. Make it quick and complete, and include a chance for the bottom to beg for mercy (because that’s hot), then offer forgiveness, smooch or otherwise soothe, and move on to greater efforts at improvement. For many people who enjoy the submissive role, being punished is one of the times when they feel authentically submissive—they are accepting something they’d rather not have. This expression of their obedience is paradoxically very rewarding. Many bottoms report that after being punished, the moments of discomfort and embarrassment actually turn to memories they embrace with pride and affection, or even reenact in whack-off fantasies. Just make sure that all your play is not punishment—that will just lead to deliberate disobedience to get sexed up. Not that there’s too much wrong with that—if that’s what you intend. But if you want a more positive training experience, you have to use the next item on the list of training tools: a reward.

  The other side of the punishment coin is rewarding your bottom. Rewards can be anything the bottom likes, ranging from “Do it again, slave!” to accompanying them to the next chick flick/action adventure movie and not making too many catty comments during the show. Or, for that matter, a spanking. You can even get tricky and reward him with a new assignment. But whatever reward you use, make sure it’s accompanied by some verbal praise and affection and you will find the light of pleasure and adoration shining all around you. For obvious reasons, rewards are less tricky to negotiate than punishments—you will rarely run into a reward that might stir bad memories of toxic parenting or dismal school days. But it’s always a good idea to know exactly what the bottom likes, lest you announce a reward that he might accept with a raised eyebrow or giggles. Beware of “Homer Simpson” rewards: Don’t give your slave a bowling ball that fits your hand—get him a butt plug that fits his ass.

  BEING CREATIVE

  Eventually, even the most jaded of tops might find that they seem to have trained their bottoms in everything they want. This is usually a combination of laziness and lack of imagination. Why should you stop refining pleasure? Expand your training to more variations. When your sex slave has become the world’s most amazing cocksucker, start him on ass licking. Or, even better, assign him to find some new variation on cocksucking that is not currently in his repertoire. But be specific, so as not to look completely lazy. “Go learn something to please me” has got to be the worst cop-out tops use after “Go on the Internet to find the slave protocol.” Either way, you get what you deserve. Remember, this is all personal, and direction and leadership comes from the top. Give your slave what she needs to get her started! And if by chance you are very vague, accept what she offers with an open mind and good grace, and resolve to be more specific and dominant for the next assignment.

  Keep in mind my definition of sexual behavior. It’s not just what gets you off, it’s what gets you in the neighborhood. Does a long, slow dance make you horny? Then having your slave become a good dancer is a worthy goal. Does having your back scrubbed with scented salt crystals in a hot shower make you more ready to turn around and fuck someone against the tiles? Then having the scrubs available—and the slave ready to hop into the shower with them—is part of what you might want to train them to do. And you can get more esoteric too—perhaps the slave should shop for new scrubs, or merely keep your favorites in stock. Or even make you some, if they are crafty that way.

  While not limiting yourself to genitalia-based service, don’t box yourself off from the pleasures of receiving other SM-like pleasures. Many tops honestly enjoy a long, sensual beating or even a short and painful one. They just confuse the act of receiving pleasure in that way with being submissive. There is a huge difference between submitting to a lashing and ordering someone to beat you harder; knowing this and being able to enjoy whatever you like
is part of what it means to be a confident, strong top.

  Sadly, many dominant people have also deprived themselves of the pleasure of being fucked or sucking off their slaves because of the misconception that these things make them appear submissive. It is not the act which is dominant or submissive, but the attitudes and intentions of the partners that makes it so. “So, slave, have you earned the right to fuck me?” can be the most empowering, dominant thing a top can say, reducing the lucky bottom to a quivering mass of erotic flesh. Or it can merely be one of the slave’s many sexual uses; it’s your slave, after all. Their hands and cocks are yours, just as their mouths and other holes are. What use you make of their bodies and their skills is part of their sexual service to you. And if your new slave is unlearned in the art of top-fucking, lucky you: here is a brand-new opportunity for more training, more assignments, more rewards and punishments.

  TESTING

  One aspect of training you might also use for fun and profit is testing. I don’t include it as one of the basic concepts because, really, every time you have sex can be construed as a sort of test. But you can plan specific tests, whether you announce and schedule them or spring them on your slave with gleeful surprise. You can use a test to mark the end of a training period, or just to spice up a quiet weekend.

  Say your sex slave has been blacking boots for three months now because having your boots done makes you so crazy sexed up you need your slave to learn every detail in order to make your boots sparkle and your wobbly bits eager. You can either announce the quiet evening at home with that treasured pair of boots you’ve withheld from him these long months, or you can set up something at your local leather bar with all your friends and family on hand to watch and celebrate. Your slave does the boots, you grab him and fuck him on the floor in the basement, or right there on the pool table in front of that gang of friends. He passed the test, yay! It’s happy all around.