The Ultimate Guide to Kink

by Tristan Taormino

  Author’s Note: No article can show you exhaustively how to perform anal fisting safely. If you have never done this and you want to try, do your homework. But you also need to meet people who are already in this scene. Watching others play, trying it out with expert mentoring, and listening to verbal instruction or feedback is still the best way to learn how to do this safely. Besides, if you don’t find seasoned fisters, what good is all this book learning going to do you?

  Fantasies and Philosophies

  CHAPTER 11

  STOP, DROP, AND ROLE! EROTIC ROLE PLAYING

  MOLLENA WILLIAMS

  “Let’s pretend…” To us as children, these words opened myriad worlds and possibilities. A simple cardboard box was our spaceship, Dad’s old sweater was a cape, and we were off into uncharted territory, limited only by our fertile and unhindered imaginations.

  For better, or for worse? Imagination and games of make-believe are often shunned as “childlike things” that grownups simply do not do. Yet today, over 12 million people around the world eagerly spend hours a day playing World of Warcraft, let alone the hundreds of other massive multiplayer online role-playing games.

  I am, among many things, an actor and a performer, and I have been practicing my craft professionally since I was about four years old. But even for me, with a lifetime of formal training and experience under my belt, turning up the heat in bed by playing make-believe sex games can sometimes feel awkward, vulnerable, or difficult.

  So why is it so tough for so many of us to stretch our imaginations into our sex lives? There are many reasons why people shy away from using fantasy and role playing to enhance and enrich their sex. Some worry about feeling silly. It can be a serious buzzkill if you feel self-conscious and awkward in the midst of a hot-’n-heavy humping! Furthermore, pretending to be someone you are not or creating a fanciful scenario might seem easy, but sustaining it can be daunting; it’s pretty much guaranteed that no one wants to risk being a flop in bed!

  It is risky, too. What if you work up the nerve to share with your partner(s) that you have a really hot abduction and ravishment fantasy, only to see them recoil in horror, decry your desires as “weird,” or worse yet, “sick,” and possibly jeopardize the relationship?

  And at its heart, it is intimidating. We often become so accustomed to one style, one approach, one dance move that works for us that flipping the script can be scary. What if you mess it up? Forget the lines? Decide halfway through that you just aren’t into it and want out?

  All these concerns are valid. However, it is important to remember that fantasy and play are things we are born knowing how to do. All you have to do to take that first step is to remember. Remember the fearlessness, remember being invested in having fun, remember that there is nothing to lose when you throw yourself wholeheartedly into your play.

  As someone who identifies as profoundly kinky, I can say that role playing is one of the things that brought me to a more comfortable place about my own twisted sexuality. Though I felt deeply conflicted about being submissive, and it did not sit well with my fiercely feminist heart, I could pretend to be submissive—you know, for science. These games allowed me to playfully investigate a newly unearthed part of my psyche and to become more comfortable with it. It felt safer for me to make-believe my way into a new realm. I gradually understood that this was a big part of who I am, and expressing it freely was precisely what feminism was all about. Nowadays, I do not have to pretend. I can just be me.

  For many folks, that is as much as they need. The play’s the thing! For others, role playing frees them to explore undiscovered countries in their internal landscapes—to plumb the depths of all that their spirit and imagination has to offer!

  There are varied approaches to role playing. Finding one that is right for you will give you a comfortable, fun, sexy way to harness your creative energy.

  SIMPLE “WHAT IF…?”

  You do not have to come up with elaborate costuming, props, scenery, and character analysis to do some very basic role-playing scenarios. Just be yourself. You’ve been doing it for a while, so that part should be easy! In the “What if…?” game, you imagine a scenario in which you and your partner(s) may fully engage as yourselves. Are you perhaps the disgruntled and weary traveler faced with a very invasive search at the hands of a presumptuous, lascivious TSA agent? Or perhaps you are the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, you’ve been caught inappropriately using your expense account funds, and you would do anything—anything at all—to escape being turned over to the authorities by the CFO.

  Imagining how you, the you that you are now, would react in those situations is a great way to start your explorations into role playing. You can imagine how you would react because we do that all the time. We all are expert “armchair quarterbacks” when it comes to deciding how we would react in someone else’s shoes. Whether second-guessing a referee’s call or shouting in dismay when the girl in the horror flick foolishly walks into that dark-ass basement, we always have a plan of action that’s better than the puerile efforts of the people we are observing.

  So go for it. Perhaps you have a real-life scenario you would like to recreate. That crossing guard on whom you had a crush, the hot cop who pulled you over. You can even role-play on the phone. The sexy voice answering your call to customer service? Perhaps the conversation strays to more seductive topics than the annual fee on your credit card account, and you find yourself under the spell of an anonymous, velvet-throated stranger. Once you put on your “How do I make this hot?” glasses, opportunities to sex up quotidian scenarios will blossom all around you.

  Sharing real-life experiences with your lover can be amazing foreplay. People love to hear stories, and the opportunity to tell a story with real-time skin-on-skin interaction in the mix can be an exotically delicious treat. Or perhaps you have a knack for the written word? Craft an erotic email, or write up a sexy short story about the scenario you are envisioning, offer to send it to your partner or read it to them1 as a bedtime story, or perhaps leave them a voicemail if you are the shy type. The very act of sharing is a wonderful way to break open your reluctance and get your partner’s buy-in. It can help you build trust, which in turn helps you relax into the possibilities and enjoy the ride.

  We have all heard the maxim “The brain is the biggest sex organ,” and what is going on upstairs certainly has a lot to do with the human arousal cycle. Bring your imagination to play when you are engaging your senses in sex—it’s an awesome way to open new realms of possibility for that gray matter to explore.

  FLASHBACKS

  Besides creating a scenario out of the whole cloth of pure imagination, you can role-play a situation you’ve previously experienced, or revive a moment from the past. Interestingly, for some people who are emotionally invested in their role-play lives, these scenes may not always be hottest and sexiest. Some people revisit memories of a traumatic or difficult situation through role play to shift the outcome and reclaim their power. If you have faced racism, sexism, or discrimination based on your gender, body type, or socioeconomic status, there is a rich source of role play to be mined here.

  You can also cut and paste from your history. It may be wildly insensitive to turn to your lover and say, “Hey, I’m gonna close my eyes and pretend you are this ex-partner of mine who was simply an amazing lover, okay?” Creating a role-play scenario focusing on what made your ex such a delightful sexual partner is far more intriguing. Was there a situation, a place, a time that brings you back? Did you have a particular shirt that your lover removed from you in just a certain way that left you hungry for more? Perhaps an unexpected caress in a surprising place that drove you wild? Share and then dare to go there, because most folks want to learn how to get more pleasure out of their sexual experiences. And who better than you to show your partner how you like to be done?

  Role-playing can free you from the occasional hesitancy many of us feel when asking for exactly what we want.

  Role-playing
can free you from the occasional hesitancy many of us feel when asking for exactly what we want. And it also permits you to cherry-pick from your sexual history to gather the highlights and craft a scenario that embraces all the heat and fire and passion that you recall from your favorite encounters. Only this time you can skip over the awkward parts and get right to the hot hotness!

  YOU’RE SUCH A CHARACTER!

  We have plenty of adulation for those performers who can morph chameleon–like into varying personae. It can be truly amazing when a skilled actor seems to blend seamlessly into the character they are portraying, losing themselves in the process. One of the wonderful benefits of role playing is that you can step outside the person you are in your “default” life and become someone entirely different. This type of role playing, “becoming the other,” gives you a unique freedom.

  If it is in your nature to be aggressive, demanding, and extroverted, try adopting a character who is shy, retiring, and bashful. This gives you room to explore a reality that, while it might not be where you want to live, is a liberating place to visit. And if you tend to be the sort for whom even making a move on someone you find attractive seems a massive impossibility, take on the persona of a consummate seducer—give yourself permission to be the passionate Casanova, Cleopatra, siren, or succubus. Be the irresistible creature of everyone’s fantasy. Inhabiting that character can expose a facet of you that you might not even know is there!

  Let slip your ideas of gender, race, body type—none of these matter when you use your head to get out of your body. Don’t worry about who you think you are right now. Turn your gaze inward, open yourself to the possibility of becoming, even if for just a little while, someone else. If I want to have crazy monkeysex with my partner while pretending I am a captured rōnin Samurai, I am not gonna let it stop me that the body I currently inhabit just so happens to be that of a curvy black woman. A little research, a little creativity, and I can find myself in excruciating Japanese rope bondage being mercilessly interrogated by a ruthless overlord who is bent on sullying my honor with whatever, uh, tools are at their disposal.

  DRAWING THE LINE

  Your fantasies do not have to be politically correct. They do not have to be socially acceptable. It is not pathological or abnormal to have fantasies that incorporate rape, abduction, sexual abuse, nonconsensual violence, racial bigotry, or any of the behaviors that constitute “man’s inhumanity to man.” While negotiation with and the consent of all involved parties is vital to a safe, sexy, and fun role-playing romp, the sky is the limit when it comes to doing what you want to do.

  At the core of role playing is the truth that we all have within us many, many facets. It can be difficult, especially for those of us raised in a social atmosphere of repression, to let go of the idea that we might be “wrong” or “sick” if we have darker fantasies. The truth of it is, we all have our darker fantasies, and those shadowy places can be a rich playground, too. Of course, these fantasies add a layer of complexity when you take on a role or persona with a sinister aspect.

  The truth of it is, we all have our darker fantasies, and those shadowy places can be a rich playground, too.

  First, it can be troubling to see your own appetite for destruction brought into the light. It can also be surprising to discover how we react when confronted with our demons, or with the monsters that live in those we love and care for. But I do not believe that we ought to shy away from these scary creatures or avoid fearsome fantasies. Fantasies of rape, humiliation, and degradation are not uncommon. But the shame we frequently attach to these desires can hamper us from exploring them, and therefore knowing ourselves. The core issue is not that what you do is “wrong” or “bad”; it is that you may feel wrong or bad because of messages you have received from society or family. When you act out your fantasies, you can leave all that behind.

  Many of us are raised to feel shame as sexual beings. But consenting adults who are able to embrace their desires and make them flesh have the unique advantage of moving beyond shame and guilt. We do so in a spirit of liberating and exploring our sexuality. But always keep in mind your limits—your boundaries, the stuff you just cannot or will not do. When negotiating your fantasies with your partners, make clear what is and is not okay. It might be hot to pretend you’re the naughty schoolgirl being ravished by a stern teacher, but if you are a survivor of abuse, this type of role play might trigger a flashback to that trauma, bring up a bad memory, or cause a reaction that is not conducive to hot consensual sex. Make sure you talk about your past and get clear on your motives and your desires before engaging in this play.

  “I WANNA DO BAD THINGS TO YOU.” NEGOTIATE THIS!

  Negotiation, limits, and consent are of critical importance when exploring role playing. Without them, you increase the risk of missteps that can derail the fun, or worse, create emotional chaos. Even a light, fun scene can be derailed if expectations are not clear and everyone is not on the same page.

  When thinking about and planning these scenes, consider your own and your partner’s motivations, desires, likes and dislikes, wants and needs. As I said, the sky’s the limit, but you have to decide to go there together. The negotiation process—setting boundaries for what is or is not acceptable, working out the desired scenario, deciding how long the scene will last—can seem a bit of a bore and a big old chore.

  Some folks are wonderful when it comes to improvisation and winging it; others absolutely need to know what is around the bend in order to feel safe.

  But consider it foreplay. Try whispering into your lover’s ear that you just bought this hot bondage gear and you’re wondering how long it might last while you’re securely pinned down and at their mercy. Make the negotiation part of the scene. You can get their buy-in to the scenario during the negotiation process, and if it happens in an organic, sexy environment, it won’t feel like work at all.

  Setting boundaries is important no matter what roles you are considering. Whether you are the passive captive, the aggressive ravisher, or embodying your younger, more innocent self, losing your virginity in the backseat of a ’57 Chevy, ya gotta know where the edges of things are. Some folks are wonderful when it comes to improvisation and winging it; others absolutely need to know what is around the bend in order to feel safe. Be clear about your own boundaries, and make sure you are crystal clear about the boundaries of your partner.

  Telling each other sexy and explicit stories about your fantasy scenarios can be a great negotiation tool. Many people enjoy hearing a rollicking raunchy tale, and this may well be the key to your own secret garden. While it is scary to be vulnerable in this way, it definitely increases your chances of seeing your fantasy become a reality.

  “PSST… WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?” DRESS FOR SUCCESS

  While it is true that you can use your imagination, and that’s pretty much all you need, it can be exciting to add a layer of verisimilitude to your role playing with costuming, props, and location. Jeans and a T-shirt might work well if you are pretending to be a truck driver waylaid and seduced by a hot hitchhiker, but the Dread Pirate Roberts might not be as believable sweeping his captured prince off his feet in the same garb. As an actor, one of my favorite points in the rehearsal process is when we meet our costumes for the first time. I start to understand something deeper about my character when I feel my body enrobed in what they are wearing. Clothes evoke a whole range of emotions. They can arouse, titillate, confine, release, display, hide, and thrill us in many different ways.

  Consider what fabrics excite you. Do silk and satin arouse your skin and your mind? Or does the thick hide of a leather jacket, the smell of it, turn your senses to full-on arousal with every creak? Think about what in you is touched by fabrics, textures, clothing. Think about how you might incorporate a particular item of clothing into your scenario. I’m a pretty kinky chick, and I wear all manner of fetish clothing as a matter of business. But a pair of simple white cotton panties and knee socks can send me into a grinning rev
erie that’ll keep me hot and bothered all day long.

  Find something that works for you, be it gingham, burlap, chiffon, or cashmere. Feel the texture, absorb the sensual nature of it, think about why it arouses you, and then consider ways to bring it into your encounter.

  Your clothes convey a message, and you can manipulate your outward appearance in order to manifest yourself or your character in many ways. If being in a suit makes you feel strong and confident, could fucking in a suit bring a new level of power and a frisson of desire to that scene? What happens if the person being taken is naked and vulnerable, while their partner is fully dressed? For some women, wearing high-heeled shoes is a daily occurrence and doesn’t resonate much. But take a person who feels awkward in the shoes, or is acculturated to feel that wearing such footwear is not appropriate for them due to gender roles, and wearing those high-heeled shoes can become a sexually charged transgressive act. Always had short hair? An inexpensive wig ordered online can put you right into the head space of that sexy silver-screen siren you’ve envied your whole life.

  Dressing up is fun. Bringing an awareness of what accoutrements turn you on can add to that fun. Even mundane objects can be imbued with a sexy vibe: I had a very intense sexual encounter that was kicked up a notch when my partner and I dared each other to keep our glasses on during the entire fuck. You will not know how difficult it can be to keep your specs on while pounding the headboard until you’ve tried it.