The Ultimate Guide to Kink

by Tristan Taormino

  Your personal power femme icons are mirrors of your own potential. Recognize this and it will help you reevaluate your concept of feminine power. How does it feel that these iconic women are part of you? What do you value in your own power, the light as well as the dark? To put it another way, if you were your power femme icon, what would give you great pleasure? What would you do? What would you have someone do for you?

  When It Doesn’t Feel Right

  Do you feel blocked about going full tilt using your power and enjoying your dominance? Maybe you’re suffering from mismatched expectations. Do you feel put upon by your partner’s demands? Do elements of your power femme attributes conflict with your partner’s fantasy? Where desires and expectations conflict, discontent arises. Let’s say that your lover thinks a sexually dominant woman should dress, act, talk, and play a certain way. You act on that and it feels odd and awkward. Why? It’s because your traits and desires are in conflict with your lover’s vision of your part in their fantasy. Drop the expectations and engage in sweet selfishness in the bedroom! This is the arena for asking for what you want and what would please you. If a sexually dominant woman can’t be true to her desires, then she’s nothing but a puppet acting her way to certain dissatisfaction and burnout.

  Your attribute lists should be pretty long. Would you manifest all of these personae or aspects of your power at any given point during play? No. But it would serve you well to find which of these traits best describe you for that night’s play. Do you feel demanding, neutering, coy, bitchy, precise, vulnerable, or delicate? Let the elements that ring truest to you in that moment rule your dominant femme space. Call them your moods or appetites, if you wish. You’ll be conducting yourself in a manner that is true to your core, not merely playacting someone else’s idea of a sexually dominant woman.

  Return to your worksheet and take a look at the left column of power femme icon names. Many of the names that you listed are potential sources of roles for you and your partner to play. If Cleopatra made your list, consider the role of the imperious ancient queen. This gives you plenty of opportunity for dress-up. Dressing up as characters other than your everyday self may feel a bit silly at first, but it’s all in the name of fun and pleasure. Read Chapter 11, Stop, Drop, and Role! Erotic Role Playing, and incorporate those skills into your dominant appetites and attributes. Dressing up for SM role-play games can free you from your accustomed good manners and limitations. Maybe you would never order your partner around, but the Queen of the Nile certainly would!

  Are you worried that your dominant femme traits in the bedroom might take over your everyday life in negative ways? The act of putting on and taking off role-play costumes provides a clear demarcation of when imperious behavior is appropriate and when it ends. It also gives your partner a clear delineation of when a certain type of relationship starts and ends. It’s a healthy way to create boundaries and keep playtime special and distinct.

  WHAT REALLY TURNS ON A SUBMISSIVE PARTNER

  Here’s a dirty little truth: what deeply arouses your partner isn’t the long list of activities they listed in their negotiations. There’s no doubt that those activities are important and enjoyable; however, it’s your presence and delivery that makes or breaks the experience. It’s about attitude! If the submissive senses that your heart isn’t in it and you’re just faking it as you deliver the spankings or other ministrations, it kills the thrill. It’s 10 times worse than faking orgasms—which is pretty criminal in itself. The submissive may go along with it just to have an “itch” scratched, while you perform to their expectations—creating a vicious cycle of destructive noncommunication. This can only end in ugly resentments.

  In the same way that you now have your personal list of power femme attributes and personae that are authentic to you, every submissive has their list of Dream Domme attributes. Most bottoms and submissives haven’t thought about this, as standard SM negotiations tend to focus exclusively on activities at the cost of intention, mood, and emotional needs. Find out what dominant demeanor makes them weak in the knees. If that matches your styles of dominance, you have the golden key to inspiring deep submission and unparalleled joy in them. Now add technically delightful play and you’ve just created magic for them.

  To find out what dominant style your partner is keyed in to, put them through a stealthy version of the Archetype Exercise. You could hand them the form, but since that wouldn’t be sexy or fun for many people, disguise it as an ordinary conversation. Perhaps after a movie with a particularly strong female character, or sharing a book with power femme leads, tease out a conversation about who they believe embodies powerful femininity. Ask what makes these women so fantastic. Keep the conversation going, perhaps over several different occasions, and the pattern will emerge clearly. Did they mention words and phrases similar to your own power femme attribute list? If so, you’re set for success!

  Some of your partner’s favorite power femme attributes may not match yours. Don’t force them to match—don’t try to act like something you’re not. For example, you’ll never find “ice queen” on my list—I’m just too goofy for that. If I attempted to be the Ice Queen domme, even my best rope bondage scene would feel stiff, staged, and boring. So what to do? I would find another key phrase or attribute that the submissive mentioned that is more my style. Maybe it was “clever,” “cruel,” “creative,” or “controlling.” Now, those I can do. They’re in my light and dark lists.

  Don’t hesitate about trying on a new style. If it feels good, keep it and add it to your style list. If it doesn’t fit right, drop it from your list and move on. Whatever you do should please you.

  THE GOOD DOMINANT

  What makes for a dominant of quality? In the flood of information circulating in publications and media and on the net, sometimes the young power femme may feel a bit overwhelmed. It’s easy to lose sight of the basics in a frenzy of information gathering.

  From the Core

  No amount of fetish wear can make a dominant out of a woman who hasn’t worked on her power and grace within.

  Effective dominance comes from the core of the person. This is why it’s essential to know your archetypes and attributes. No amount of fetish wear can make a dominant out of a woman who hasn’t worked on her power and grace within. Having a collection of great toys won’t make you a great domme either—it just means that you know where to shop. The same goes for skills. Knowing a lot of techniques does not alone make you a great domme. It’ll make you a skilled top, but that’s different from being a dominant. You might be a good service top, a lovely submissive sadist, or a fine egalitarian sadist, but these are all different—though no less valid—than being a dominant.

  Conversely, you can be dressed in nothing more than ordinary daily clothing, using no equipment and displaying no particular flashy techniques, and still demonstrate deep and powerful dominance.

  Know the Domain of Your Influence

  A fine domme understands when dominant behavior is appropriate. She knows when to go into domme mode and when to turn it off. She knows that she is not in a Dominant/submissive relationship with the entire world and that the tone and attitude of dominance wielded upon unconsenting people will only earn her their contempt and disrespect. Only misguided, insecure bullies display such behavior. She doesn’t let the dominant energy bleed into an egalitarian relationship once a hot scene has ended. If she is in a Dominant/submissive or Master/slave relationship, she understands that her dominance may be expressed differently even within that relationship. What she does in the bedroom or dungeon with her submissives would be quite different from what she would do at the submissive’s workplace.

  Confidence Is the Root of Power

  Never forget that the ultimate aphrodisiac for the sub is the dominant’s genuine self-confidence. Sometimes it may come off as cockiness, but the difference between the cocky and the self-confident is the source of validation. The cocky dominant needs to see her greatness reflected in the eyes o
f others, while the confident dominant knows what her powers are and accepts them. She has taken inventory of and is comfortable with her own talents, skills, assets, and strengths. She is confident enough to see her own flaws clearly.

  The art of the domme is in using her persuasive powers to bring out a desire previously unaroused in the submissive.

  If a dominant cracks a whip in the woods and there are no submissives to hear it, is she still a domme? Absolutely! A dominant is not defined by the other—in this case, the presence of a submissive. She is defined by a sense of self and comfort in her own identity as an erotically dominant woman. She knows that the need to define herself by the others around her is a sign of false confidence. Every dominant will find herself single from time to time, whether by circumstance or by choice. Her relationship status does not change who she is fundamentally.

  Seduce—Don’t Force

  The ultimate power is that of persuasion. To get the submissive or bottom to want to do for you what you command of them—that’s dominance. Any fool with a scary weapon can force another to do things against his or her will. That’s the power of the brutish, the power of fearful people and those lacking in self-confidence. The art of the domme is in using her persuasive powers to bring out a desire previously unaroused in the submissive.

  As one of my favorite teachers and authors, Joseph Bean, loves to say: “The number one job of the dominant is to continually seduce consent from the bottom.”

  Humility Begets Respect

  The deep intimacy and connection that genuine Dominance/ submission creates verges on magic. There is a moment during the most amazing scenes when the rest of the world melts away, leaving a universe of two, the domme and the sub. In a universe of two, the domme is divine, for that brief moment and in that time-warped space. To accept this, she must be humble. She must know that she is but a mortal woman at all other times.

  Such humility has the amazing effect of creating a calm aura around the domme, giving her an air of grace and elegance that is deeply alluring. Her sincere humility and grace earns the domme quiet respect from those around her, and most certainly the respect of her submissive.

  Without respect, there is no leadership. Without leadership, there is no dominance, only boorishness.

  To Receive Submission, Give Respect and Gratitude

  Even the cool and aloof have their ways of showing respect and thanks. A femme domme respects the humanity of the submissive even after the most intense objectification scene. She is thankful for the act of submission given, even when it may appear externally as if it were wrenched from the submissive. She knows that, in the end, it is the submissive who actively chooses surrender. She knows how difficult true surrender is and is in awe of that. She knows that it takes the truly strong and self-aware to fully submit and she shows gratitude for that appropriately.

  She knows that the limits and emotional vulnerabilities of others must be respected. This includes respecting the limits of nonparticipating parties who may prefer not to have to deal with a wantonly splattered dominant attitude. It includes respecting the limits placed by the submissive, for this consideration allows the submissive to feel truly safe with her. Such a sense of safety often leads to deeper surrender. As a dear friend of mine, David V., says: “Always be respectful in spirit, even if the scene is not.”

  Be True to Your Desires, Your Limits, Your Flaws, and Your Errors

  A dominant of quality knows clearly what she enjoys in kink play. If she doesn’t, she’ll simply be pushed by other people’s desires and projected expectations. Like a leaf floating in the current of a fast river, she will be haunted by a vague sense of helplessness and lack of control. What’s a dominant if she doesn’t have control over her own pleasure? Always know your limits and displeasures just as well as your thrills. The art of the polished domme is in setting boundaries gracefully in such a way that that the submissive delights in this firmness.

  She also knows where her flaws and weaknesses are and accepts them. She is strong enough to know that covering up with bravado and pretending her flaws don’t exist is a pathetic game played by insecure dominants. She also knows where her technical limitations are and knows how to work around them to avoid undue risk. She knows when to seek more learning to increase her skills, and does so without making each step of dominance education a battle of egos. When she makes an error, which she knows will happen from time to time, she sees the error she has made and acknowledges it. Then she does what needs to be done to correct the situation and moves on. She neither ignores the error nor overreacts to it.

  Decisiveness Is Enthralling

  The dominant of quality understands the power of decisiveness. Each action is committed with mindfulness, whether arrived at by conscious thought and decision or by instinct. The person who openly waffles in the act appears to have no control. It is fine to wonder about other choices and consider them in one’s mind. It is also fine to seek counsel and advice. Do that with decisiveness as well.

  The realistic dominant knows that with decisiveness comes the potential for less than optimal outcomes. She strives to be aware of consequences. She takes responsibility for her actions and, once again with decisiveness, grace, and compassion, handles those consequences.

  A FEW PRACTICAL TIPS FOR A SCENE

  Here are a few basic tips to help you begin creating fulfilling scenes with your partner:

  Once you’ve negotiated a scene with your partner (see Chapter 1 for negotiation tips), put your satisfaction first. Focus on the activities on their wish list that will give you certain pleasure.

  Focus on enjoying one or two simple activities thoroughly, even if your partner’s wish list is as long as your arm. It’s better to do a few things well than many things poorly. Leaving them wanting more is a very desirable thing.

  The blindfold is your friend. Blindfolded, every touch and action you create is a thrilling mysterious pleasure for your partner. Blindfolded, your lover will not see you fumbling, expressing bafflement, or removing your high heels.

  Whenever you feel uncertain, take a slow breath and ask yourself, What would please me right now? Then follow through with what would please you.

  Engage power femme posture! Stand up straight, hold your head high, roll your shoulders back, lift your chest, and pull your navel toward your uterus. Try this in scene and out of scene, and feel how it affects your sense of confidence.

  To reduce the possibility of scene failure, begin and end the scene with activities that both of you enjoy, and try new activities in the middle. If a new activity doesn’t work for either of you, at least you’ll wrap up with pleasure, familiarity, and confidence.

  Dominant femmes deserve after-scene care. What would you like that to be? Ask for it before the scene and insist upon it after the scene.

  Learn and practice whenever the opportunity presents itself. Take as many classes and educational events as you can. Try classes on topics new, exotic, scary, or mysterious to you. Workshops are great places to explore these subjects safely while giving you space to decide whether you like it.

  Have fun! Whether your style is sweet and nurturing or fierce and demanding, or anything in between, remember that this is always about pleasure.

  Enjoy your journey and savor your pleasures.

  CHAPTER 14

  SUBMISSIVE: A PERSONAL MANIFESTO

  MADISON YOUNG

  I’m a mom. I’m a submissive. I’m a feminist. I struggle to write these words, finding myself in the greatest power play dynamic of my life with a three-month-old infant who lies sleeping in my lap while I hunch over my laptop. She is a demanding dominant and I’m happy to serve her, to focus my energies around meeting her needs. I let the rest of the world slip away while she nurses from my breast. There is a sense of freedom in the experience, and I feel whole and complete in this energy exchange.

  This feeling is not foreign to me. For the past six years, I’ve served her father as his submissive, lover, partner, and now the mot
her of his child. Ironically, my dedication to my child and my partner is what has made sitting down to write this essay the most challenging. My identity is complex—an interweaving of queer, masochist, rope slut, sex worker, control freak, loving partner, and mother. Within these carefully constructed labels, in order to find my true self, I must give in. I must allow myself to be taken over, not just to fall deep down the rabbit hole but to jump, to fly, to dive in with knowledge.

  To be the truest form of myself, I leap into a world of submission.

  Submission is instinctively serving my dominant, without effort, without being noticed or drawing attention.

  I am a multifaceted woman with dominant and submissive tendencies, a wide range of desires for sensation play, and a need to play out different societal and animalistic roles in a safe environment with my partner. Sex is primal and has a magical, energetic rhythm to it—a pulse that you find in yourself or that passes between two or more persons. There are many ways to play with that pulse, that energy, both physically and psychologically. That pulse can be exchanged with great precision and control or it can knock you off your feet like a tidal wave.