When it comes to topping, you may hear additional descriptors attached to the word, such as “service Top” and “sensual Top.” One term that really demonstrates a gross misunderstanding of sadism is “sensual Sadist.” I mean, really? People use this term to explain that they are giving the bottom sensual sensations that the bottom likes to have done to them. There is nothing in it about pain, suffering, or dislike. This is not sadism.
So how far does a Sadist need to go to obtain sexual satisfaction? A Sadist only needs to go to the point where the bottom no longer enjoys what is taking place. This can happen in a matter of minutes or take as long as a few hours. I guess, by default, someone uses his safeword when he no longer enjoys what’s happening. But certainly one could be in an unhappy state before using the safeword. So, in any scene where I am being a Sadist and a bottom calls a safeword, I am happy. Also, if I end the scene, it is because I feel they have gone far enough and should not be pushed further; again, I am happy. Have I ever been unhappy because I did not think a partner functioned well? Never. On the other hand, I have been unhappy with what a few partners did with what they were given. My sexual satisfaction does not have to end with penetration or with me having an orgasm.
AFTERCARE/AFTERMATH
The aftermath of sadism must be taken into account when looking at healthy, consensual sadism. I say aftermath because of the way my wife looks just after I’ve had sex with her. There she lies, on the floor, covered in sweat, tears, blood, and snot, looking as if she just went to hell and back. So, yeah, aftermath is a good term, I think. What I will talk about is what goes through my head and heart after taking her into the abyss. The consensual Sadist needs as much, if not more, aftercare than the bottom. This is simply because we are doing things to people that they don’t like.
Certainly there can be scenes involving acts of consensual nonconsent which, if taken alone, can appear to be nonabu-sive. But what happens after the scene is just as important, if not more so. If I leave my wife in a pool of blood, sweat, and tears after a consensual rape scene and never tend to her afterward, this would be abusive. We must look out for the physical and emotional well-being of the bottom after the scene ends. If the bottom’s needs are realistic and within reason and they are not met, it is abusive.
Taking everything into account, there really is no good reason for us to distance ourselves from our roots. What the Marquis de Sade wrote about were primarily nonconsensual acts. These are not the roots that I am talking about. I am talking about pure, hot, sexually charged consensual sadism, where your partner agrees to feel pain because it gets you off.
The psychological effects that consensual Sadists have on the bottoms they play with can be devastating if there are misunderstandings. Suppose a bottom has done scenes only with tops who inflicted sensations that the bottom liked, and those tops called themselves Sadists. Then, if a consensual Sadist were to create unpleasant sensations for the bottom—because that is what a consensual Sadist does—the inexperienced and poorly educated bottom freaks out. This does not do the consensual Sadist any good either, having a bottom react poorly. Who knows where it could go from there.
People do recruit into the lifestyle. We bring in new people fresh out of their closets and make them feel comfortable with words like play and toys. Acronyms like SSC and RACK make newbies feel safe from harm, I guess. I take exception to the words play and toys. At one time what we did was called “working a boy over.” What we used were tools, not toys.
So here we have the preprogrammed recruit, the “SSC sadistic Top,” using “toys” in a “play” session at a public BDSM event. She happens to look over and see what I would call a real consensual Sadist, whose bottom does not look as if he is enjoying what is being done to him. The bottom is even saying, “No, stop!” Holy bat droppings, Batman!!! The SSC sadistic Top thinks, That must be nonconsensual and unsafe. Get a Dungeon Monitor quick—that scene must be stopped. Do you see how not giving the full picture of sadism can be harmful to our community? We must learn to communicate our needs better as Sadists, Dominants, or Tops. Bottoms, if a person says she is a Sadist, ask her what that means. It’s a necessary conversation, where people can express their personal definitions and desires and establish a clearer understanding. Then, if all goes well, you can get down to some hot sadistic sex.
Endnotes
1 Ovid (43 BC–AD 17), The Art of Love, quoted in Sexual Life in Ancient Rome, by Otto Kiefer (Taylor & Francis, 1956), 239.
2 Richard Freiherr von Krafft-Ebing, Psychopathia Sexualis (Stuttgart, Germany: Verlag Von Ferdinand Enke, 1886), 109.
3 In addition, subsequent behavioral descriptors of sadism do not include behavior toward animals.
4 Marquis de Sade, The 120 Days of Sodom and Other Writings (New York: Grove Press, 1987), 642.
5 Marquis de Sade, 642.
6 Marquis de Sade, Justine, The Complete Marquis de Sade, Volume 1, John S. Yankowski, trans. (Los Angeles: Holloway House Publishing, 2005), 65.
7 Krafft-Ebing, 53.
8 This general definition of paraphilia is from Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, 11th ed. Psychiatric definition: “The essential features of a Paraphilia are recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges or behaviors generally involving (1) nonhuman objects, (2) the suffering or humiliation of oneself or one’s partner, or (3) children or other nonconsenting persons that occur over a period of at least 6 months.” The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR), American Psychiatric Association (Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing, 2000), 573.
9 The language of the DSM-IV-TR reads: “The diagnosis is made if the behavior [see previous note], sexual urges, or fantasies cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.” American Psychiatric Association, 573.
10 Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, 11th ed.
CHAPTER 17
AGE ROLE PLAY
IGNACIO RIVERA, AKA PAPÍ COXXX
Has anyone ever told you not to do something and you thought to yourself, Why can’t I do it? Or, If I did it, would it hurt anybody? You find yourself thinking of ways to get your mind off the thing you’re not supposed to do, but you can’t. The restriction itself propels you to want to do it. It’s exciting, alluring. For some people, that’s what it feels like to do age role play, both sexual and nonsexual: it’s taboo. For others, it’s rooted in pure desire. It just gets you downright hot. Still others engage in age play to explore a specific dynamic with a partner or partners. Age play offers people the opportunity to explore a wonderful childhood memory or a time when their lives were simpler and without responsibility. They can sexualize a forbidden intergenerational relationship or indulge in a wide variety of Dominant/submissive power dynamics.
Fantasy role play is when two or more consenting adults engage in intentional erotic or power-dynamic-driven interactions. Age play is a specific form of fantasy role play where a partner embodies a person of a different age than their actual chronological age. Age-play characters run the gamut from diapered babies and little girls to rowdy teenagers and dirty old men. For some people, age play is a chance to return to a younger age and engage with other adults who are role-playing their peers: think Boy Scouts roughhousing together. Other folks want to be youths or children and interact with partners who take on an adult role: the troublemaking student in detention under the watchful eye of a stern teacher, or an infant who gets to be pampered and loved by a wonderful nanny; the “adult” in these scenarios almost always has some power over the “kid.” Some people enjoy playing persons older than themselves to take on a role of authority or embody a parental figure. Others employ age play to engage in scenarios where their partners play a relative (some call this “familial age play” or “incest play”): for example, a seven-year-old who loves to color with her dad or two adolescent brothers who explore their bodies together.
Age play can be quite taboo,
not only in society at large, but also among kinky people. After all, adults are not supposed to act like children, and once an erotic interaction is introduced, things get even dicier. Some people automatically associate age play with pedophilia, child sexual abuse, and sex offenders. Before we go any further, I must be very clear. Age play is exactly what the name indicates—play. If you have a desire to do age play, it does not mean you condone coercion, violence, or abuse (sexual or nonsexual) directed at actual children by actual adults. Age play is fantasy between consenting adults.
Age play is edge play for me. It takes me to wonderfully enlightening places as well as deep, dark ones.
Whatever age I choose to play, a scene can have very different outcomes, but the main thread in age play for me is sex. It can involve an intricacy of domination, incest, rape, and sometimes torture. Age play is edge play for me. It takes me to wonderfully enlightening places as well as deep, dark ones. I allow myself to balance and sometimes fall off the edges—that’s what makes it hot for me. There are people who do nonsexual age play, but this chapter focuses on age play with an erotic component.
There are many ways to figure out what age play may look like for you. I’m a visual person, so creating lists helps me collect and organize my thoughts, clarify my vision for the scene, and figure out logistics. I like to think of it as working in your own laboratory. In the laboratory, you can create any concoction of age play you desire. Think of the choices as chemicals. Making a choice about what you want today does not mean you can’t switch, alter, reconfigure, or change your mind about the whole idea of what age play looks like to you. Don’t worry, you are entitled to change your formula. You are the evil scientist of your desires.
THE LABORATORY CHECKLIST
Role
Age
Gender
Sexual orientation
Power dynamic
Relationship and connection
Private or public
Frequency
Props, costumes, scene elements
SQUARE ONE
If you’ve been curious about age play or about how to spice it up with some hot sex, it’s good to step back and start at square one: what was the fantasy or the initial thought? One of the most difficult tasks is sifting through our fantasies and figuring out what we want to make “reality.” Reality in this context is creating the scenario that mirrors what has been living in your brain—making tangible the thing that gets you off. Sometimes we figure out that the fantasy we’ve had for years lives best as only a fantasy. There is nothing wrong with that. Some fantasies we birth and others we carry. We can play with them in our minds or in real life—the choice is yours. I took the plunge and decided once and for all that the fantasy I’d been jerking off to for 10 years was worth acting out. Taking that plunge for you may mean taking baby steps.
A conversation about the topic of erotic age play is a good place to begin with a partner. The goal is to figure out if all parties are at least interested and are not repulsed or triggered by the idea. You can bring up a blog you read or pop a porn scene featuring some kind of age play in the DVD player. Or you can just straight-out ask your partner how age play sounds to them. Gauge your partner’s reaction. Notice your reaction. If all feels right at the moment, move forward. Talk about what turns you on about an age play scenario. Describe how you see yourself in the scenario and why you want to be in it. Answering the “why” is important in that it propels you to create intent and allows the other players to understand their role if they chose to agree to it. For some, this method of asking yourself who and why is essential; for others, the need just is—there is no need to analyze the desire. Some are drawn to age play but are not sure where to start.
Take it slow at first. Try a 15-minute session rather than a two-hour session. Check in with each other afterward. Did it feel good? Did it feel weird? Are you willing to try it again or put it back in your brain vault? Weather you never delve into that fantasy again or you move forward with it, it’s totally okay. You took the plunge, landed on your feet, and now you know. Unfortunately, some of us may not land so gracefully. There is nothing wrong with you. Our journeys take us to different destinations.
CHOOSING YOUR AGE
When you fantasize about age play, what age are you? Does it shift? Is it always the same? Age play can be regressive or progressive. The more common type of age play involves at least one partner regressing in age; progressing to an older age is less common. I have been a newborn and I’ve been 80 years old.
Regressing to a younger age can be about a longing to relive or recreate childhood experiences. Are you a baby? All babies are preverbal, helpless, and dependent on a parent or caregiver for everything. Are you a good baby or a naughty one? Maybe you’re a kid. Kids can talk and do some things for themselves, but they are still dependent on adults; they often express their thoughts without worrying about what people think. Kids have unique personalities: they can be shy, tantrum-throwing, naive, eager to please, or bratty. Perhaps you’d like to be a teenager, somewhat independent yet still not a grown-up. Are you curious about sex, rebellious, a teacher’s pet? Think about what you want to get out of this role play and what age range is most appealing to you.
In age progression, you can progress to as little as a few years older than your actual age or all the way up to senior status. I suspect that age progression, also known as elder play or geriatric play, is not considered as fantastical as regressing to your youth. The age process creates fear in most people and may limit how your play is acted out or evolves. Age progression may be too close to the reality of growing up, growing old, or being ill. Regression eliminates impending reality, sparks memory, and allows room for mistakes, or it is just plain fun. I would argue, though, that elder play can be just as naughty, taboo, and creative as a youthful tryst. Progressive age play can be anything from a candy striper in a nursing home blowing an elderly gentleman to Grandpa making his granddaughter sit on his lap as he feels under her dress, or—my personal favorite—a senior patient getting a special sponge bath from the hot young nurse.
GENDER AND SEXUAL ORIENTATION
So, you are thinking that if you identify as a female, your role-play alter egos have to be female, too? Absolutely not. Do you want to be a little girl, an adult male, a gender-transitioning youth, a gender-nonconforming person, or an androgynous teen? Your physical body does not have to match the gender you want to role-play. You can have a penis and be a woman, have breasts and be a boy—you decide. I identify as a trans genderqueer person. In my play, I have been a seven-year-old girl seductress, a 20-year-old sexually assaultive jock, a dirty old man who is 80, a 30-year-old incestuous Daddi, and a feminine, sexually inappropriate boy who is 10.
The same goes for sexual orientation or behavior. You may have been born male and identify as such but in play you could be a lesbian or simply a woman who gets fucked by other women. You can also be a little girl who likes little boys, a teenage boy coming of age with other teenage boys, or a dirty mother who fucks her son and daughter. Remember, this is play and you and your partners can navigate it anyway you want. You can be queer, lesbian, heterosexual, bisexual, gay, asexual, fluid, or pansexual.
POWER DYNAMIC
It doesn’t matter how old you are in the role play—you can still decide whether you are a top, bottom, or switch in the scenario. For example, my seven-year-old girl seductress waited until Daddy was asleep, then crawled into bed with him and sucked him off. When he realized what was happening and wanted to stop it, I threatened to tell. Age does not dictate the power you have in your role play. Your great-uncle on his deathbed could be the top in your role play scenario. He can determine that when he passes on, you get all of his inheritance—but for a detailed sexual price. You could have a student who holds all the cards when she reveals to you she has sexually incriminating evidence of your raunchy sex life. She’ll keep her mouth shut for a passing grade and a good fuck. The bad guys can be the tops in a child abductio
n, rape, and torture scenario. The babysitter can be the top when she spanks the youngsters she’s babysitting for wetting the bed. It’s all up to you. Have fun with it.
RELATIONSHIP AND CONNECTION
What connection do the players have? Do you know each other, live together, or have you never met each other? There are many exciting ways to relate to one another in age play; with each type of connection, you can explore trust, love, friendship, fear, or resiliency. Perhaps you are members of the same family: parents, grandparents, guardians, uncles, aunts, children, siblings, nieces and nephews. There are many scenes involving young people and adult authority figures such as teachers, tutors, priests, babysitters, neighbors, school counselors, coaches, ballet instructors. Less well known adult authority figures include doctor, camp counselor, corner store clerk, postal worker, and bus driver. A stranger might be part of your age play—perhaps a hitchhiker, a kidnapper, or the person passing you on the street. Whether the connection you create is a brief encounter with the bus driver or an ongoing relationship with your brother, each connection can spark an array of creative scenarios to explore.
The Ultimate Guide to Kink Page 28
